Explicit lyrics....
Heard a song I had not heard in a while. It's called Waste. Brought on many thoughts. I heard the edited version though I have heard the unedited before too.
"But these words, they can't replace, the life you waste."
The song is about suicide. Aaron Lewis years ago was approached by a kid's mother about her son having committed suicide. She wanted to know why. The lyrics ask the question of how one can see that as the only option left.
Suicide. Some call that selfish for one to commit. Others call the deceased a coward. Others blame the family. Don't judge till you have been there. I was there. I was one who wanted to kill myself. I was 12. I still remember the times I would cut myself or jab myself with pins or sewing needles.... The darkest time was the spring of 1994 when I really did want to die. I wondered why was I ever born, why really nobody loved me (how I felt) and I didn't see a reason to keep on living. I had seen way too much and was a victim of way too much to feel worthy of anything. I remember praying at night a few times for God to just take me. School was awful other then when I started band in the fall of '93. Band was the only joy I had at all in my life. Brutal but honest. From the time I was eight till I was 15, I was in and out of group homes and placements. Various reasons. I learned over time to not trust, to turn everything inward. That is when the depression began. I had not healed from past issues, I was alone and I was rejected by almost everyone at school and everywhere else. May of 1994 is when I really wanted to die.....
Those who commit suicide, see no other way.... The pain runs too deep. They feel unloved, uncared for, abused, hated, etc. They feel that the world is better without them. They feel that suicide is the only answer to forget the pain.... Others turn to drugs, sex or alcohol but eventually they all hit rock bottom. Many eventually come to this....
Our job is to reach out, not judge. Our job is to show love and patience. Not all of us will succeed but even if one of us does, then we did our job and saved at least one life. I do know in the past by sharing my story and how I got out of that darkness has saved at least one from killing herself...
Today I listened to a song by Martina McBride called, Concrete Angel. It's about child abuse.
"A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel"
So no matter what you face in life, know you can rise above. No matter what 'hell' you live in or have lived in, you can rise above. God can heal the hardest, most broken heart. If He can heal me of my past, He can heal you. God has not forgotten you, even if it feels that way.... Someone, somewhere prays for people like us. People who have died from abuse and or suicide, people suffering and those who have survived. Never forget that.
I survived and so can you. Had I killed myself when I was 12, I would have not been around for so much. My mother would not have grandchildren, her only child would be dead.... I would have never gotten to experience true healing and freedom from my past. I would not have accepted Christ yet (I was 14), My name would be forever on a gravestone and the world would have forgotten about me too and so much more.
Don't think about the present circumstances as if that is what your life will always be. It won't. It takes work to heal but you can. And you will. Rise above. Spread your wings and fly. Fly dear one, to the path of healing.
My storm: Long day tomorrow.....
My rainbow: Knowing that by sharing my story I have helped to heal others as I hope this post helps someone start healing as well.
What's yours?
I'm likely not going to be able to post tomorrow. Besides, I want a day to let this post reach out to more people who might need it.... If you know a victim of abuse, suicide, pain or their families, you are more then welcome to share this post with someone who you think it will help.
Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~
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