Disclaimer: There are a few quotes here that do have some adult language. Sorry about that. There will also be talk of abuse here. Thank you all for those who contributed.
"Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me!"
Remember that? That's one of the biggest lies to ever go around.
For many people, it would take them longer to come up with the best thing ever said to them than the worst thing said. Forgiveness or lack of, has nothing to do with that. Forgiveness of what someone else has said or done doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean the pain is erased...
If I'm wrong than prove it. Please.
I'm going to start out by sharing experiences of my own and from others who shared with me anonymously some of the things that hurt the worst. This isn't all of the stories I heard, just some... Many echoed the snippets here. There is a point to all of this.
- When I was in school (different state) the subs were the worst..... I remember one using a yard stick to smack my desk and said "What are you an ADHD retard or something?"
- Not long ago I had my daughter tell me that a girl she knew and her parents left the church, both serving in the church because "your mom sucked on that stage so we left." Well, if I sucked that bad then shouldn't a director tell me I do? I know I'm not as good as I once was but that doesn't mean "I suck" now because if I did, how else would I have been still playing my horn for services and community functions for almost 15 years now?
- When I had my miscarriage between my two kids "That baby was just too defective. It couldn't survive like ___ could."
- Growing up, I was often told I should have been aborted, I am a worthless nobody, I would always be locked up, I would learn nothing, I was hopeless, too stupid, and soooo much more....
- "You know all of that abuse story you said happened? You are a liar and my job as your counselor is to convince you and your mom that you are full of shit and all you want is attention." (Yes, I was told that when I was 12)
- "Please don't ever get pregnant again. You rolled the dice several times already, you have two disabled kids and one who didn't make it because it was too deformed." Deformity isn't why I miscarried yet they didn't want to hear that.
Here's some of what others shared with me, of where words hurt them.
- "You're fucking disgusting, shut the fuck up."
- “After meeting your family, there’s a huge contrast- they’re class and you’re trash, you and your nigger kid”
- "Are you still pregnant? Didn't you have enough kids already?"
- "I was told I was better off dead...
- "All I am is an educated idiot and I suck at being a mom"
- "Just do it already" my mom when I was suicidal and holding a toy gun to my head making it click."
- "One of the most hurtful, horrible things someone ever said was That I had not prayed hard often, & that's why I had my first miscarriage.
- "Maybe the miscarriage/stillbirth was a good thing because that'll be one less disabled person on this planet!"
- "When some kids at school found out I was adopted I would get prank calls of them laughing saying no one wanted me."
- "When I got told children like my son would not enter heaven upon death because he wasn't perfect."
- "I lost my husband to suicide in 2014 I was widowed at 37 I was so do devastated I could hardly function.Well a year later my sister got mad at me over something very stupid and she said well at least I'm not such a bitch my husband killed himself...."
- "His mom said that it was a good thing I miscarried, because we didn't need anymore kids".
- "There's soooo many but probably the most hurtful is being told by the man I loved that I wasn't worth shit and not worth marrying."
- "Every time my dad saw a certain popular TV character on a popular TV show, he would say, "I Hate him! He reminds me of you."
- "You realize you're only good for sex right? That's the only thing you do well."
- "That I was bought and paid for. Also when our daughter turned 18 years old his contract was up."
- “Well maybe if he listened better I would keep him more." (talking about my newly diagnosed ADD child who mind you, JUST got student of the month for his awesome behavior.) She has kept him a total of 5 times in 7 years and I never ask because I know it will inconvenience her."
- "Years ago, I had a son pass away while I was home with him. When my husband and I divorced he wanted custody of our other children. He told me "They will never give you custody of the kids. You already let one die."
- " Almost 12 years ago I lost twins to TTTS. I was told well you have 3 older healthy baby and another healthy baby on the way or it was all gods plan or you couldn't of handled twins......"
- "I was staff in JROTC, well, someone higher ranked than I did was overheard calling me a slut because I was pregnant by my then fiance and ONLY lover"
- "You belong on the side of the road with all the other trash" -My dad
- "When I was younger my great grandma took me shopping and as soon as we walked through the door she told me “if you weren’t so fat you’d fit into half the clothes in here” Another one shared a similar one. "My mom to me as I was trying on clothes I liked. "Wow! You trying to go for a new high weight record?"
-"I was raped by my sisters boyfriend when I was 12 and when I told my mother,her response was- I guess I have to believe you because your my daughter."
- "After my sister was killed, my mother has made many comments that the wrong child was taken from her and that my sister will always be more important than me."
- "I was told that I should abort my son because I didn't need anymore kids."
- "When I had my miscarriage everyone said "It was god's plan and you will have a baby when you're ready"
- "That i was a mistake and that the wrong baby died.
I was the 2nd child but my sister was still born 1 yr and 8 months before my birth. Those words above are from my "mother"
- "I was told by someone close to me that I wasn't allowed to express any sadness because it was disrespectful to express my full emotions. That hurt me deeply. I shut down and refused to feel anymore. I shut my emotions off.
- This wasn't something said to me but what happened. At my wedding, during the father-daughter dance, my step-dad quit not even halfway through, told my father-in-law to finish it while I stood there waiting. In front of everyone. I didn't do anything wrong, I simply just wanted a father-daughter dance.... (Yes, it's been almost 15 years ago yet I still remember it all sooooo vividly...)
There were a good handful that either echoed these or very similar. So many baby losses echoed similar stories as well..... Family can sometimes be the worst source of hurt..... The stories I read to put this post together proved that.... Not just with words either.... Words never hurt? I beg to differ.... "Well what did they say to deserve what you got told?" I've heard that said to me. "Well, what did you say or do that caused them to say ___" "Did you get outspoken again and stir the pot? Letting sleeping dogs lie is the best you know!"
Read my lips: THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!
Those who say hurtful words are responsible for what they have said, no matter why.
"Told you so" is just as bad. That one I'm not guiltless of saying. Either in joking or seriousness. Yet the point is there...... Words hurt. Words last. Words change us. Words affect who and what we are.
True story!
Many times the words that hurt start when we were children. Growing up I never felt wanted, worthy, and honestly loved, but by one. Yet even then the years of everything else sometimes created doubt there.... Feeling as if I'm worth it to anyone is still a battle I face. Wondering if what I have to offer, to share, to talk about, to learn, is really worth it. If others see it as worth it. Yet when we hear truly good things said to us, those help. They inspire us. They help us feel loved and appreciated. Does it always take away pain? No..... But they sure at worst help the ache not hurt as bad.
Here's some of the best things people have heard.
I shared a few of my own and some of these are from others who shared with me, as the hurtful statements earlier were shared.
~ "You are one of the best advocates we have ever seen a parent be for their children"
~"We see a lot of parents and children come here to Children's for various things and you are one of the best we get. Always on top of everything and all your ducks in a row ready to go."
~ "Keep speaking up no matter what others say. Your story, your voice will make a difference."
~ "Mommy, I love you. You fight for me. You never give up!"
From others:
~ "My dad told me that he uses me as an example all the time of how to be a great parent in the parenting class he teaches."
~ "The best thing is sort of a tie between hearing my kids say "I love you," hearing them say "mama" for the first time. Top billing also goes to hearing a doctor compliment on a "good catch" on a patient's lab work."
~ "That I'm enough, that I'm doing what I need to do, and that I'm doing good in it. "I'm proud of you. That shit is hard to do. You're doing a great job"~ "You are so inspiring"~ "I didn't know there were people like you in the world."
~ "I love that you're my mommy."
~ "When people tell me they admire my parenting and strive to model aspects of it."
~ "That I am a good mom even with all the struggles that entails with 2 special needs and 3 just as special children. And the longest to think about was their good.
~ "I was told that I was strong enough and that my voice mattered."
You know something? I also asked all who gave input which was easier to think of first. The bad that had been said or the good? Easier to tell a story to. Not all but much of what I heard was like this: "The hurtful for me is far easier to think of than the good." For some it was much harder to find the good due to so much in their lives.... You see the difference in the list as well..... Imagine if we lived in a world where we were affirmed for how we felt, nevertheless if the person hearing us cared or not. If they felt the same way or not. If they agreed or not. If they were depressed or happy......
Now let's talk about clichés..... We've all heard them. I'm going to go into the "churchy" ones. Not all shared here are exactly cliches but some relate to the hurtful stuff that's happened to people as well.
Many of us hear sayings like "God won't give you more than you can handle " or "Satan is really testing you with this right now" stuff. Or worse "If you weren't a sinner, your child wouldn't have to go through___" or the "This is your atonement for making God mad." stuff. "If you pray more/harder this wouldn't have happened/happening" My latest "favorite" "Your child wouldn't have epilepsy if you only prayed more. Or this one when I share anything prayer request wise or with a person who asks and I don't give 100% positive news "You have unrepentance you need to go to God about." or "If you would be more positive and stronger in the faith, this wouldn't happen/be." And more....
Here's some others that were shared with me.
- "A friend faced this. A woman was dealing with post partum depression. Her husband to go to the doctor for her postpartum depression. Her husband felt he had to ask the pastor for permission (that was the norm in that church/cult). The pastor told him that either he get control of his wife or lock her up in a mental hospital because mental illness is not real and is only a manifestation of sin. He chose the mental hospital....- "The "God won't give you more than you can handle" line is bullshit. It comes from Job where Job was allowed to be tested. God didn't send the trials to him but allowed him to be tested. And then that got warped into the sentiments we hear today. Life happens and we are tested beyond what we can bear at times. So we stop most everything until we get the strength to take the next step forward. We often find ourselves alone in those trials either because friends/loved ones don't know how to help or don't understand and then our isolation takes longer."
- " Battling depression & anxiety I’ve heard a lot of “just be happy”, “God doesn’t put more on you than you can handle”, “Just pray about it” & so many other cliches that border the religious line. Given my beliefs, or lack thereof, I’d rather hear nothing honestly - or have the person give me a chance to just talk it out if I chose to do so."
- "I always here when it comes to my anxiety..."just don't think about it" Oh gee thanks never thought about that."
- "Just be strong"........ that's a great one. 🤨 like no $h!t sherlock, I was planning on just melting here and letting whatever is bothering me devour my soul."
- "It was drilled into my head as early as I can remember that every single thing I do, intentionally or not, will have its consequences. It was a life of fear. Every single harsh word or inappropriate/unkind thought was going to send me to hell. It didn't matter how saved I was or how often I repented, the SECOND I messed up and re-sinned, that place in heaven would be revoked. I realize now that this is not typical of Christian religions and absolutely is not what the Bible says. But I carry that hurt with me."
- "Everything happens for a reason. God needed another angel. He’s in a better place. — These made me so FURIOUS right after my son died. I just wanted to scream. You really want to tell a mother who just lost her baby that he’s in a better place? What could be a better place for a baby than with his mother? My breasts were still lactating with no baby to feed! I just had to go into my son’s nursery and pick out an outfit for him to be buried in. (I believe in God and Heaven, but these cliches are not biblical.) If you can’t tell, I dealt with so much anger over these statements and the people who said them. If you don’t know what to say to a grieving person, a simple “I’m here for you” will suffice."
- "It makes me mad especially when we didn't know what was going on with my baby sister mind you she has died twice already but everyone would say well god has a plan and if she goes then she won't suffer anymore or everything happens for a reason. I understand people say those things and don't mean any harm but damn no one wants to hear that when their family is hurting. I would of been more happy to hear i am here for you."
Do we really think God feels this way? "Oh not her again! Can't you just get over that already?" NO! None of those phrases are Biblical. So why do we? Why do we feel the need to tell others this stuff? Why do we have to tell other that if they are having a hard time, they asked for it or their faith isn't enough? Why can't we just simply offer to sit down with someone and let them speak their heart, no matter what it reveals? Why can't we minister to people like that? Isn't that what Jesus did? Aren't we commanded to be like Him? Well, then why don't we? It's one reason why I love Celebrate Recovery so much...... There we can do just that. We don't question the faith of another like so many who are struggling hear from church members, known or not.
What do you know about their faith if all you do is see them on Sunday's, if that often?
I loved these!
~ "I have had an anxiety disorder since i was a kid and have pretty much every verse in the bible relating to anxiety or fear memorized because i was constantly told as a kid that i just needed to memorize and believe those verses and believe in God and the fear and anxiety would go away. to just trust more. it made me start second-guessing my faith and whether or not i knew how to believe and have faith and caused a lot of issues for me growing up.
I feel like if there was more understanding and explanation and less of "if you would just try harder" that it would have been better because at least I would know it was nothing i was doing wrong.
So understanding and explaining more than judgement I feel would have helped a lot more. it could have taken the pressure off. Also I don't think I can think of any situation where the person is better off after being told they're being punished for being sinful. like. that doesn't help. it's just judgmental and hurtful."
~ "Always the best thing to say/do is just let the person going through rough times know you are there if needed. If not that you will simply continue sending Light and Love their way."
(My interjection here - If you say you will be there, then truly be there AND listen to them, meet for coffee, show compassion and love no matter where they are at in their heart, mind or spirit because otherwise if you are not there as they need, it causes more hurt, angst, and feelings that they don't matter to people/God.)
~ "I like being reminded that God didn’t cause the awful....that’s just part of living in a world that isn’t heaven. It’s flawed. It’s sick. It’s full of heartache along with the laughter....but regardless of what happens, God can and will use it to build strength, love, and literally take the brokenness and ashes and build something beautiful with them. He has done it with my life, time and again."
~"I personally know that God absolutely gives me more than I can handle, because in those times, I am reminded how to learn to lean on Him and put what I can’t handle, at His feet. We were never meant to bear it all alone. For me, I like being reminded that God didn’t cause the awful....that’s just part of living in a world that isn’t heaven. It’s flawed. It’s sick. It’s full of heartache along with the laughter....but regardless of what happens, God can and will use it to build strength, love, and literally take the brokenness and ashes and build something beautiful with them. He has done it with my life, time and again."
Amen! Now I gotta keep remembering that in the storms too....
Last hole to dig. Kinda goes along with the cliché topic.
What is false or toxic positivity? Toxic positivity is the belief that if you just stay positive it will allow you to power through whatever obstacles you encounter. The concept isn't all bad, but it could also be used to silence others or brand others as "negative" "depressed" or whatever other labels get put on them. You all know at least one person who is "always worried" "Negative Nancy" or things like that. They always get told stuff like this:
"Fake it til you make it"
"You'll get over it"
"Just be positive"
"Good vibes only!"
"Stop being so negative!"
"Think happy thoughts!"
"Just be happy!"
"See the good in everything!"
"Just be happy!"
"Just ignore the bad!"
"Just be strong!" "Just breathe through it"
And many more......
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I loved what this site said. Yes it's not a "Christian" site but the words are no less true because of that. "Today’s spiritual (and sometimes psychology) world feels fake to me. Lots of pretty blond yogis talking about positive vibes, about not allowing negative energy or thoughts to get to you, about surrounding yourself with only supportive positive people.
Unless you live in a bubble on Mars, this is not only not realistic, but this is also a recipe for staying emotionally and psychically dwarfed, never growing or truly learning who you are.
We (myself and many other spiritually minded psychologists and teachers) call this, “spiritual bypassing.” An attempt to transcend without having to face the humanness or the negative. When, in fact, it’s the ugly parts of our humanness where the growth occurs."
The best statement from that site said this: "A lot of the stigma around mental illness is perpetuated by this fake positivity. Telling someone who has clinical depression to not focus on the negative and only the positive does nothing to help them. It perpetuates their feelings that something is wrong with them when they cannot simply “pull themselves up by the bootstraps.” I would actually say to someone struggling with depression that they are more tuned in to real human experience and emotion than the person pushing “positive vibes only” on them."
Another page put it like this:
"Toxic positivity is a social media contagion, born out of good intentions but with the end result being that people aren’t always allowed to be honest about feeling down, or the things they think are sh*t. #GoodVibesOnly might as well read #KiddingMyself – or #DontCallMeOnYourBadDays.
People don’t choose to have negative thoughts or feelings. They just happen. Because not everything is awesome, and sometimes people are dickheads. And most people don’t set out to be dickheads – sometimes you make a bad call, and lo and behold, inadvertently, you have been a dickhead. It happens.
Chasing eternal happiness and perfection has actually been shown to make us feel even worse when we do have negative feelings – yikes. That, instead of just acknowledging that human beings all have a broad spectrum of emotions and behaviours, which need to be thought about and worked through on a daily basis. As Psychology Today put it, ‘Many people swear by positive thinking, but few people are helped by it.’
She continued to share,
"Exhibit A: inspirational/motivational content about avoiding people in your life who don’t make you feel good. In theory, fine. Who needs those guys anyway? In practice, this creates a number of issues. Prime examples include:
- People who struggle with their mental health, who may already feel like a burden at times, now see that you don’t really want to hang out with people who make you feel sad / bad / worried. So they don’t reach out when they need support.
- Oh and now you’re embedding it in your own mind that if you’re having a grey day, it’s probably best to bottle it up and squash it down – because you’re a beacon of positivity! Good Vibes Only! Must. Not. Be. Negative. Ever.
- You also cut out people who challenge the things you do or say – because it doesn’t feel good to be told that you’re behaving badly, or that you could do better. Oh right, because it’s not like you wanted to grow as a person, is it. Hmm.
As one person put it, “‘Don’t be negative’ has come to mean: don’t think critically, don’t feel, don’t bring your trauma near me, don’t ask for help.”
It’s all very well wanting to take everything life throws at you with a smile and a skip in your step, but pretending that you live in a bubble of joy, bliss and rapture isn’t as healthy as the GoodVibeTribe would have you believe. Fake it ’til you make it does not work within the human brain.
Wait – too much positivity can make you feel… worse?
Oh yes. Demanding that only happy people and positive thoughts come your way feels like it ought to be the recipe for an easy life, but sadly, it ain’t.
Even outside of social media, things like self-help books can exacerbate the issue. In an old Newsweek article on the “Tyranny of positive thinking“, there are interesting notes on the connection between motivational literature and increased feelings of failure, or of being somehow ‘defective’ for not managing to be positive and productive at all times.
In an age where suicide is the biggest killer of young men, can we afford to write off toxic positivity as just another silly social media fad?
No-negativity posts might not put some people off, but for those struggling with anxieties and poor mental health, it can be enough to turn a grey day into a very black one indeed."
The best thing she said though was this: "Try to remember that social media really is a load of crap. We all use it, we all get good and bad things from it. But if it’s going to be a place where we post about our everyday lives, it ought to be a place where we can reach out regardless of whether we’re going to leave someone feeling uplifted as a result or not.
A third site had this takeaway for me on this topic.
"The Tyranny of Relentless Positivity
Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad. And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness. People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive. Women, to stop being so angry. And the list goes on. It’s a tyranny. It’s a tyranny of positivity. And it’s cruel. Unkind. And ineffective. And we do it to ourselves, and we do it to others.
If there’s one common feature of brooding, bottling, or false positivity, it’s this: they are all rigid responses. And if there’s a single lesson we can learn from the inevitable fall of apartheid, it is that rigid denial doesn’t work. It’s unsustainable.For individuals, for families, for societies.And as we watch the ice caps melt, it is unsustainable for our planet.
But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.
Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger. Psychologists call this amplification. Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator, the more you try to ignore it, the greater its hold on you. You might think you’re in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact, they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-happiness. I like being happy. I’m a pretty happy person. But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be."
So perhaps think of other ways you could speak to other people. Give them validation. Speak to them as you would want spoken to, good times or bad. Like this example.
Imagine if we lived in a world where we were affirmed for how we felt, nevertheless if the person hearing us cared or not. If they felt the same way or not. If they agreed or not. If they were depressed or happy...... Major storm in their life or a bright and sunny day.
I could keep going all day..... Many of these who shared stories with me, whom I promised anonymity to in this post, are women who have been hurt. They have experienced joy. They have experienced everything in between. They want heard. They want people to see what words do. They remember, regardless of if they want to remember or not. One can't just simply forget because they are told to.
“Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear…are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They’re like messengers that tell us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.” –Pema Chodron
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"Our social system is built around the “words will never hurt me” idea in so many ways … leaving those who bear inner wounds without support or even sympathy. When we protect a child who is beaten, but not one who is being told he is worthless every day, then doesn’t that say everything about our view of what a wound actually is?" Mere Dreamer A commentator from the sticks and stones pic
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~ The conventional view of emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, is rigid. And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic. ~ Mindful Staff
So how will you use your words? Written or spoken? How will you give someone validation? How will you help someone who is "having issues" or going through storms? I even challenge you to find someone you don't like or who is not "popular" heck, find an "outcast" and start a conversation. Keep it real. Don't go gossiping back to someone else about it either. Talk about the stuff nobody wants to hear about. Shine light on it. It can't be dealt with till it's talked about and spoken of. As I saw this quoted, “Write what you’re feeling. Tell the truth. Write like nobody’s reading.” Speak it too. Someone will hear you, just keep speaking till one does. You never know what you may do for someone else. You won't always be appreciated, and sometimes they will try to silence you or oust you but keep doing it anyway. You never know who needs what you have to say. Just think about how you say it.... You never know what you may have done for that person you talked to. Think about it..... You could have even saved their life.
~ Special Momma ~
