I read a blog post the other night that really had me thinking about baby loss and where I stand on that. I will do my best to not get political here but this will talk about pro-life vs pro-choice. No I will not get detailed on abortion procedures or all of that. That's not for here. I can't do that...... This post will talk about statistics, baby loss, how people get treated regarding and will share my story.
You've been warned....
That blog post was about a pastor who has experienced the loss of a baby but had to make a really hard decision about it. You see, the baby they expected had a heartbeat, it moved, but "We were told that although our baby seemed to have healthy organs, there was nothing to contain those organs. Surgery was not an option. Our baby will certainly die during the birthing process."
Their sweet child had no chance to survive either way.... Birth would certainly have been more traumatic for both the family and the baby.
To be in that position, to know your child is alive and moving yet to face news like that is traumatic. It's hard. It's ugly and it's very difficult both emotionally and spiritually.
These were the options for this family and others who have had similar. "One option was to do nothing but wait until the pregnancy reaches full term and the baby is able to be born naturally or by C-section. However, because of the severity of the defect, we would be unable to hold our dead child, and may not want to see him or her. Our baby’s remains would be immediately prepared for a funeral service.
The second option was to terminate the pregnancy immediately. However, if we chose this option, it would be considered an abortion, and due to the political climate of the day, there was only one hospital in the state of Georgia which would perform an abortion this late in the pregnancy. He said that we could go to several clinics, but we may have to endure picket signs and possibly hecklers from religious groups opposed to abortion. The thought of my wife, who was still wiping tears from her eyes, being called a “murderer” or a “baby killer” by people claiming to follow Jesus, people who had no idea who we were, or what we were going through, made me furious. We were also told that although our child had a strong heartbeat, because of politics, for the record they would state that our child had “no viable heartbeat.”
Although the second option sounded dishonest, even illegal, it was obvious to us that it was the best, most compassionate option. I could not imagine Lori waiting three more months, feeling the baby move and kick, feeling another life inside of her, all the while knowing that this life will never have a chance. We scheduled an appointment for a procedure to end the pregnancy two days later."
He ended his post by saying this: "Life is not easy. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. Sometimes the solutions are not black and white. Sometimes those decisions are not between a clear good and a clear evil. Sometimes we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils. I want to live in a country where I am free to prayerfully make such difficult choices, especially choices that are so personal in nature, without any interference from the government."
Just imagine how much harder the healing would have been had they not been able to do this.... There are cases where I believe an abortion would be more humane.... It also depends on the type of procedure.
Yeah I said it. Judge me, go ahead. In a case like this, how would it be any different than a dog being euthanized because it has cancer or something else serious? Don't tell me that it's "just a dog so no comparison" either. I'm serious. What's really worse sometimes?
I am not saying I am pro-choice strictly either. In most situations I am against abortion. Yes, even in cases of disability most of the time. Part of it is my religious beliefs. Part of it stems from being told so much as a kid that I should have been aborted, I was worthless, I was worth poop, and so much more, I refused to believe in that being a cause to abort. I have a few other reasons overall as well. However, just because I am pro-life in most cases, that doesn't give me the right to judge and hold picket signs against those who have had an abortion.
That's just my feelings though. Yet what else would you have done in the story shared a bit ago? I can't blame them for going the way chosen......
Here are some statistics on why abortions are done.
According to the NIH, most abortions are done due to either relationship or financial reasons.......
- Not financially prepared: 40 percent
- Bad timing, not ready, or unplanned: 36 percent
- Partner-related reasons (including the relationship is bad or new, she doesn't want to be a single mother, her partner is not supportive, does not want the baby, is abusive, or is the wrong guy): 31 percent
- Need to focus on her other children: 29 percent
- Not emotionally or mentally prepared: 19 percent
- Interferes with educational or vocational plans: 20 percent
- Health-related reasons (includes concern for her own health, the health of the fetus, use of prescription or non-prescription drugs, alcohol, or tobacco): 12 percent
- Want a better life for a baby than she could provide: 12 percent
- Not independent or mature enough for a baby: 7 percent
- Influences from family or friends: 5 percent
- Doesn't want a baby or to place the baby for adoption: 4 percent
- Partner-related issues: 31 percent
As the pastor said as well however, not everything is black and white. So much goes into decisions that have to be made and there is never always an easy decision in matters like what they faced. I'll go more into that shortly but first I want to share our story.
A friend got me this after my baby loss.
It's a memorial ring.
Aquamarine is the birthstone.
I have hardly taken this off since 2013.
I am one in four who lost one early. Went for the first ultrasound and no heartbeat. Silence...... First thing a family member said was "The Muenke was too strong in that one." A craniofacial syndrome had nothing to do with it. The HGC counts were falling as confirmation. Thankfully when I had the D&C done at the surgery center there were no protesters but my mind was the worst one...... I chose the D&C because I didn't have the heart to have the inevitable happen at home.... Seeing "abortion" on the EOB was worse. I felt like I was a murderer or at least that my defective body was. It was hard..... 3-19-13 will always be in my memory......
Other than "I'm sorry" the other question I heard more than once was "what did you do to cause it?"
Absolutely nothing!
The other common thing I heard was "It was just a miscarriage. A bundle of cells not even looking human yet. What's the big deal?" Or "Well at least you lost it early instead of as a stillborn or it being so defective at birth that it was a toll on you and society."
No joke.... IT WAS A HUMAN!!! People who told me this stuff were people in the church...... Honest...... It stung too. That child would have been a living, breathing being just like anyone reading this is. That child, that "blob of cells" meant something to me. I was told those things by those who were pro-life......
Yet for weeks after, I listened to Hymn for the Missing by RED.
"Hymn For The Missing"
I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before
Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?
You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced
Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?
RED's new album had come out about the same time so Hold Me Now was also played a lot during that time. (This is the official video but redone by someone else. I couldn't find the one RED put up.)
"Hold Me Now"
Fall asleep to dreams of home,
Where the waves are crashing.
The only place I've ever known,
Now the future has me.
I see the fire in the sky,
See it all around me.
I said the past is dead, the life I had is gone.
Said I won't give up,
Until I see the sun
Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Waking up and letting go,
To the sound of angels.
Am I alive or just a ghost?
Haunted by my sorrows.
Hope is slipping through my hands,
Gravity is taking hold.
Said I'm not afraid, that I am brave enough.
I will not give up,
Until I see the sun.
Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Crying out,
These tired wings are falling,
I need you to catch me.
As I burn,
As I break,
I can't take it anymore.
I return to the place,
Where the water covers over everything.
Rescue me some how.
Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Crying out.
These tired wings are falling,
I need you to catch me.
Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
That song I will never hear without thinking of the miscarriage. I wanted my baby back.... I blamed God. I blamed my defective body. I knew I could carry to term as my daughter was almost six at the time. Yet she didn't understand. She knew she was going to get a sibling then she didn't.... She knew enough to make something for her angel sibling and watch it go to heaven. We recorded that, and it took me everything to not get choked up recording it. Hymn for the Missing I know I tortured myself with during the weeks following yet when I heard it, I would just sit there singing the lyrics as if my angel was right there able to hear it. The tears would fall, my voice would crack but it was cathartic. I had heard it first a while before my miscarriage yet it brought all new meaning then.....
Now I can usually listen to it as I am now writing this and be okay. Still cathartic as ever but less outward emotions with it.
I got my positive pregnancy test with my son on what would have been my angel's due date. My angel would be five and a half now had I not lost him/her. Yet my son would not be here. Would we have had more after our angel had I carried him/her to term? I do not know. Yet life as I know it now it would definitely be different.
Baby loss is one of those topics few want to ever discuss. It's like it's taboo. Worse, the looks of either pity or even like you did something to cause it. Just let us talk about it! Listen to us! In the eyes of many I caused mine simply because I had a child born previously with an overall mild craniofacial condition. That's it!
Why? Why do we do this? Why the taboo? Why the doubts? Why the judgment?
Here's some statistics to show how common baby loss is.....
- 1 in 4 women have had at least one miscarriage and or stillborn.
- In the United States in 2006 there were nearly 26,000 "fetal deaths" (stillbirths) and about 19,000 babies died in their first month. In total, 1 out of 60 births resulted in stillbirth or neonatal death. When one takes into account the number of miscarriages, that number skyrockets to 1 out of 4 pregnancies. -S-
- Stillbirth effects about 1% of all pregnancies, and each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.1 That is about the same number of babies that die during the first year of life and it is more than 10 times as many deaths as the number that occur from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).2
Now, did you know this:
Nearly one in four U.S. women will choose to have an abortion before age 45. -S-
Do you know how many that equates to and how many people you know who may have had one? Either a baby loss or abortion.
Would you treat Jane Doe the same after learning she had an abortion at 15 due to parental demands? Jane had to choose the baby or get disowned by her family for not aborting. Yes, that seriously happens too..... Sometimes it's the other way around..... What about a case of incest against a child? That happens too.... I've seen the stories. I've seen the heartbreak and fear.
Now what about other cases of pregnancy? What about the stories like what the Banks faced? What would you do?
Sometimes when things go wrong in a pregnancy, the blame game is the worst thing you can do. Instead be there for them. Set differences aside and just be there. That simple.
No matter what diagnoses my kids have nor whatever their kids have I can't fathom the decisions that may or may not have to ever be made like what you may have and many others since have had to face. I may be considered pro-life but I also feel there are exceptions to that as sometimes there has to be. Most of all though, we need less judgment......
I only pray that those who have to make those hard decisions have a village who will love them through it.
On another angle....
Adults could learn this too....
I have read posts from other medical mommas who were told they should have aborted.... One I'm thinking of was told multiple times that her daughter was just a burden on society, a waste of space and so much more..... I've heard some of it, as have many, many others who have children with disabilities. Why?
What about those who become disabled later in life? Do some feel the same about them? Like Terri Schiavo? Like Alfie Evans? Like those who get refused a life saving organ transplant because they have a disability like Down Syndrome? Happened to a little girl named Annie.... Remember the story of Baby Doe in 1982? Did they ask for your judgment and sentence that ultimately got carried out? NO!
Ebenezer Scrooge felt that way too. He would rather have the burdens on society be rid of. Decrease the surplus population!
Why do we do that? Why do we tell mom's to abort or "get rid of" if the child isn't perfect yet scream pro-life at others? Why screech for foster parents to take in children yet then judge them for whatever baggage the kids came in with? For having any government assistance for those kids? Why even judge the kids in the middle of this? We question what moms did to cause the disability, miscarriage, stillbirth, loss at any age BUT if they don't do it all "the Christian way" and do adoption or keep the baby, the mom faces hell from the church? While at it, why do those who become single moms outside of marriage ostracized/judged but those who have been divorced/dating after/remarried treated well? Technically both are considered sin. Why the hypocrisy?
My big question to those who are pro-life is this: Why pro-life during pregnancy but after the baby is born, depending on who became the mom or what the baby has, they get treated like a leech on society and told such? Why support and love some but not others? Why cherry-pick?
Because it's convenient? Because it's easier than to love all? Because you know some can 100% support themselves and others can't? Because the mom and or child (ren) are on Medicaid or another government program? Because of popularity or who knows who?
Did Jesus teach that?
Why?
Just stop with the excuses already! How will you be like Jesus truly was if you keep doing this? That's called legalism and it's what the Pharisees did! Jesus wasn't a fan of them. No wonder the world is laughing at us......
If you are going to claim you are pro-life, be pro-life in all stages of life, no matter who or what! Not just pregnancy either. Don't cherry-pick who you'll support in any method either. Be a doormat and be used? No. But don't assume all are going to use you or "fake" what's going on either. Don't NOT be like Jesus for selfish reasons.
All means all.
Is that not what Jesus taught?
If any of you have faced this, you aren't alone. I promise that..... I pray for you. Many love you even if those around you don't.
Let me know of those who don't feel loved, or feel outcast because I will be willing to listen, even if it is only through the cyber world. I challenge you to do the same.
Set aside your judgment and listen instead. May your judgment wash away and Jesus shine instead....
As Jarrett said at the end of his sermon today, "I KNOW, without a doubt, with absolute certainty that the risen Christ is here, and he is calling you and me, and if we answer this call, what a wonderful world this would be."
Indeed it would be a much warmer world, as God intended.
We need to listen more and speak less......
As Mother's Day today comes to a close I want to share this prayer that the same pastor I talked about earlier shared this morning. It's the perfect way to end this post.
"A Pastoral Prayer for Mother’s Day On May 11, 2015 By Jarrett Banks
The words of this pastoral prayer are adapted from a letter written by Amy Young to pastors.
Gracious God, Father and Mother of us all,
During this time, with our hearts and minds turned toward motherhood, we give you thanks for all those in our lives who possess the soul of a mother.
We give you thanks and celebrate with those in our community who have given birth this year, and we give thanks and anticipate with those in our community who are expecting a child.
We give thanks and pray for all mothers who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains and wearied bodies. And we pray for and mourn with those who have lost a child, for those who have experienced loss through accidents, sickness, DNCs, miscarriage, failed adoptions Or an unjust system. We pray for mothers who feel like their children are lost to drugs or other addictions.
We pray for and walk beside those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment. Forgive us when we say foolish things for we certainly do not mean to make this harder than it is.
We give you thanks for those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – for this world so desperately needs them, perhaps more now than ever.
We give you thanks for and celebrate with mothers who have warm and close relationships with their children. And we pray for and sit with those mothers who have disappointment, heartache and distance with their children.
We pray for and grieve with all children who lost their mothers this year. And we pray for and acknowledge the experience of children everywhere who have experienced abuse at the hands of their mothers.
We pray for those who are single, yet long to be married and mothering their own children. We mourn that life has not turned out the way they have longed for it to be.
We pray for those who step-parent and walk with them on complex paths. And we pray for and grieve with all those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be.
We pray for, grieve with and rejoice alongside all those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year.
We pray for those who placed children up for adoption. We ask you to bless them for their selflessness and comfort them as they hold that child in their heart.
O God, on this Mother’s Day, we pray that you help us to walk with all mothers, for mothering is not for the faint of heart, and on this day, we have real warriors in our midst."
~ Special Momma ~
