Merry Christmas!

Christmas at the gas station:

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through.
Instead of throwing the man out, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up. "Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy, I'll just go." "Not without something hot in your belly." George said.
He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew ... Made it myself. When you're done, there's coffee and it's fresh."
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old '53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver, with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold, the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.
"But Mister, please help ..." The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside. He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building, opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, take my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."
George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. He turned and walked back inside the office. "Glad I gave 'em the truck, their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new ." George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The Thermos was on the desk, empty, with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.
George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, shoot, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on.
"Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car anyway.
As he was working, he heard shots being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Please help me."
George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease.
"Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there, I'm going to get you an ambulance."
The phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car." He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio.
He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area."
George sat down beside him, "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time you're gonna be right as rain."
George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city. Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time.
The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.
"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.
"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George, "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."
The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!"
The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop, "we got one too many in here now."
He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pea shooter away."
George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job, my rent is due, my car got repossessed last week."
George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."
He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Bein' stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."
The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer." "Shut up and drink your coffee " the cop said. George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.
"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"
"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.
Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other.
"That guy work here?" the wounded cop continued. "Yep," George said, "just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job."
The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"
Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas boy ... and you too, George, and thanks for everything."
"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems."
George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go, something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."
The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you."
"And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need."
George reached into the box again. An airplane, a car and a truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."
The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier.
"And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that too," George said. "Now git home to your family."
The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."
George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"
"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"
"Well, after my wife passed away, I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was gettin' a little chubby."
The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself. "That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again."
The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."
George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.
"You see, George ... it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."
George fell to his knees and replied, "Happy Birthday, Lord Jesus"

Merry Christmas!!
This story is better than any greeting card.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS! (reposted)

Remember the reason for the season!
Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~

Al Fine

al fee'-nay. 'To the end' is what that means. Al Fine.

I found sheet music for the hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy" today. I had not heard that song in a while, let alone played it. The last time I played it with a group was in early high school with a band director who at the time reminded me so much of my grandfather and who inspired me to want to major in music. I decided to hear the hymn on YouTube. Brought back too many memories, sad memories.

Holy, Holy, Holy

Mr. Larry Neuhauser was so much like my grandpa. It was like having him everyday with me. I really would have to say I was not good with my flute then but by my freshman year, many had been playing twice as long as me. I was only playing for two years at that point. Yet he didn't give up on me. His sense of humor was priceless. It was under his direction and our two assistant directors that we won state my freshman year in marching band. It was under him that when my grandpa died, he told me I didn't have to play that day if I didn't think I could. He knew grandpa is who started me in music. The middle of my sophomore year when I had to switch schools, it was hard. Mr. T as we called him, was my director after that. I graduated under him. My senior year the morning of our first competition of the season, Mr. T had to come up to me and give me the news that Mr. Neuhauser who had retired not six months before, had passed that morning. The front page of our local newspaper did a story on him. First word, Fine. (Fee'-Nay)

Our show that year was called, The 4th Angel based off of the 4th angel in Revelation. One of my most memorable seasons. Out of four, I would rate that second behind winning state with our show my freshman year.

What also got me feeling poignant today besides hearing that hymn was playing Shenandoah during our community band concert. In high school under Mr. T, there was a flute trio part I played the second part in. Tonight, I did that. It's been over 15 years and it made me miss it all over again. Once a musician, always one.

Al Fine, to the end. To the end of our journey we all have. But what is our journey? Just plowing through life? I think there is more than that. Much more than just the day to day routine.
"I was driving west on the road to get to the freeway.  It was dark.  There weren't many cars on the road there and few if any street lights.  And the line, "The night is dark, and I am far from home...." came on.  And it hit me right there.  It was dark.  I was moving farther away with every mile. And I don't know what's happening, not really.... But there still, on the road, there was light, the light from my headlights showing what was immediately in front of me.  And the Savior is my light.  And He leads me on." Quoted from Aaron's Blog

Our Light, our source of light. That's who we are living for, right? Are we really? I know I'm not always good about it..... Neuhauser brought my passion for music brighter than it was. Mr. T kept that alive, even when my dreams of teaching music shattered. Today reminded me all over again of that.

My point in this besides following the Light, is to live passionate every single day. You never know who it will inspire, ignite, revive or anything else. Even in the dark of guessing that Aaron's family is dealing with, they reminded me too our journey is not over till God says, Fine. End.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Shenandoah starts at about 5:15. It was from our concert tonight. HERE 

Music

Music... Something that has always been in my life.....

Music sets the tone for everything.

Music lifts but also lowers the spirit.

Music for some is just a CD, for others it's a way of life.

Seasons change in everyone's life at one time or another. The music we listen to over time changes and often we get songs stuck in our heads, remember people by songs, laugh, scream, cry and sing to songs we know.

Music is something everyone knows about. For me, I grew up around music. Not just records and cassettes. (Yes, I gave my age away. lol)

My maternal grandpa was a music teacher and trombone player. My mom and her siblings all played instruments as well. I was almost 12 when I was presented with my first flute. An Artley student flute it was. Started playing in beginning band when I was 12. Did band starting in 7th grade. One of my fellow flutists at that time never gave up on me, even though she never knew how dark my life really was at that time..... Most of my years of playing I had to learn on my own. No private lessons most years. Too expensive. Yet playing was one of the best things I ever could have done. I have many fond memories now because I did. Winning state in '96 was just one. Marching Band with WHS. Grandpa never knew this but it also helped during one of the darkest times of my life when I battled the worst depression I had ever had. The band director we had at WHS was so much like my grandpa..... He died when i was a senior at a different high school. My director there found out the morning of a competition..... That day I dedicated our show to him. Our program was called, The 4th Angel. Amazing show despite barely getting to State. 

My dream for being like my grandpa died not when he did, but a few years later. My music dreams died when I was a senior in high school when college for a music education major was out of my grasp. I still play because I enjoy it. My senior year was perfect in that realm because I got first flute but third chair. No piccolo parts nor flute solos. lol I also got a Division I at State Solo & Ensemble that year so I was happy. Yet disappointed that what private lessons I was getting then was ended because I was not majoring in any form of music. My then Armstrong 80B flute was collecting dust.... When I moved to Arkansas I was given an opportunity to play at my church which I have done for almost 10 years now. Soon after I also started playing with our local community band. I am nowhere near as good as I once was nor will I probably ever be but at least I can still play. After I started playing with the community band, I started on a Yahama 461H flute which was a HUGE improvement to what I had, for how I play. Took some getting used to. Over time I started to get over stage fright, which was always a struggle.

My struggle right now is where does God really want me to be? There is better talent in my church than me and I'm doubting if I belong on stage now..... 

What's funny is in high school, I was a band geek who dressed preppy but listened to rock music. I still do but I listen to a lot of stuff. Christian rock mostly now. RED is a favorite. In high school all I wanted was to teach music like my grandpa did. I wanted to go to college and major in it..... Yet even though playing music was always enjoyable, life rarely was, still hard to see it like that. I would listen to music that would feed anger or depression. Even now it's still a struggle some days.

I'm about to completely change the topic but it's connected. 

Matthew 13: 5-6
"Others fell on the rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil. But when the sun had risen, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away."

I know Ken Freeman had another explanation for this parable but sometimes I do feel as if I was planted among the rocks and the desolate. Nobody has it completely easy. If they do, they are spoiled brats. :) See how in this crack, surrounded by asphalt this weed is growing? It's desolate and alone yet growing despite the environment.

Why do I think I was planted away from everything else? I have always struggled with many things in life. Much has been handed to me over the years and other times it's my own battles with the mind.

I heard a song recently that I hadn't heard in years. Sorry for the single word in here.... https://youtu.be/5CO-QL6oErY It brought back many memories. Again, music. There are songs that remind me of my past, songs that lift me up, songs that feed sadness, anger, but also joy and hope. That song fed depression. There were things I had to deal with that I was at that time in the process of.

"I am not here
I think I've never been here at all or ever will
I feel like a place
Where no one goes anymore

Why can't you see that everything's broken
And why can't you see that my life's turned gray?
I can't believe in anything sacred
When I don't believe that I am real"

Another one called, Away from the sun by 3 Doors Down is a frequent flyer too...

"It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know"

Yet even recently I was fighting moments of isolation, desolation, broken solace, jealousy, frustration, anger..... Yeah..... Not at my household but at life.

Then I try to listen to stuff like Just Be Held by Casting Crowns.

"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held"

My life has always been one of hardship and triumph, full of doubts, fears, worry, and isolation. Somehow I never quite fit in to any one 'mold' that is expected of me to fit in to society or groups within a community. Always been that way. I am by no means stupid but I do take a little longer to get things to 'click' in my head. I have always been one to show expression in writing and music mostly. I usually try to not show much emotion to the outside world in fear of judgment and condemnation. I hold it in and release it through writing and through what music I listen to. Just always been that way. It's amazing I graduated from community college with an associates in Early Childhood Education back in 2003......

That is why I think God planted me in a desolate spot. Often I think of it as atonement but I am seeing that perhaps it's not. After 30+ years, maybe it's really not. Maybe it's to make my thick head learn to count on only Him and nobody else. Maybe it's so that those who are worse off than me can see that people like me struggle too.... Maybe it's to give others hope when over the years I kept being told I had no hope. Everyone but my grandfather and a child psychologist I had for a few years early on had given up on me. Everyone...... It's hard for me to trust people, even now. Those who say they are here for me or things like that, I honestly don't trust because over the years, everyone who ever said that, ran. Many even before any storms rolled in......

Yet being planted in desolation gives me time to reflect on life, what I have been dealt and time alone to deal with what gets handed to me. I don't like it sometimes but it is what it is. It often makes me think of the analogy of Holland vs Italy. My journey was destined for Italy but I got dropped off in Holland instead.

Even today though, I had a moment of my heart being pulled at me. I didn't show it but it is still in my head. Another thing often in my head I admit it is how God can really love me. Okay okay, I know what the Bible says, I believe in Christ who died for me. I know why He died. I get it. Yet why don't I feel His love often? Is it because of my past, despite that I have dealt with that?

The music in my head is what I often write into words, often here. The songs I play reflect how I am feeling or thinking about. The flute that I play is in a way a release but also as a way to make my grandpa proud of where I am. Even though I cannot visit him, when I do things with music either composition or playing my flute it brings me back.

Yet some days, even that doesn't hide the desolation my journey is. That is when I write.

Sometimes I wonder if grandpa would be proud of where I am now. Would he be proud of my kids? Would those who said I would never make it or amount to anything be shocked with where I am now? What about God? Is He pleased?

Someday the song of my journey will end and I hope the symphony carries on through my children. As crazy as life gets, as much ups and downs as it has, I wonder what kind of 'music composition' will be left after me. What kind of concerto will be written?

Now that my blog post has gone all over the place, I will call it a night. Now that my brain is empty of words for now. For now. ;) As many emotions I had writing this, I hope this makes sense......

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Happy Thanksgiving

No matter how dark or light our lives are in our stages of life, we can always have something to be thankful for. Today on Thanksgiving, I want to wish you all a good and safe one and leave you with this favorite story.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Thanksgiving Roses
Author unknown


Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind.

Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week an
d the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. THEN! Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

"She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.

"I....I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara...let me get your order."

She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers?

She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again." She said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ahh, that lady just left with, uh....she left with no flowers!"

"That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "WHY? WHY Me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is, I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving
arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously.

"Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny, here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us.

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too...fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious.

We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment.

"I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read:

My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses, thank Him for the thorns.

We are broken, not bitter

So close yet so far. Heart aches yet nobody sees it. So many faces yet I am a mere ghost. I am seen but yet I am not. They say I am loved but am I really? If I was, wouldn't they want to value friendship? Value time? Value your company?

If one is loved, then why does the world show otherwise? Why in the midst of the trials in life, do they flee?

Why is it that those you think will be an anchor with you, abandon and leave you alone to fight? Why do they choose to stab you when you are blind to them?

Why is it the ones you least expect this from, give it to you first?

Stick with me here.

We aren't called to walk in this world alone but so often it seems as if you are. Sometimes walking in solace is good. Sometimes being alone is good. Often it is not. Yet why do we often feel as if our solace is broken? Solace means peace in times of trial.

"But rains pour down upon us, storm clouds darken the skies and we get lost in the storm. Have you been there? Wandering in the darkness, crying out only to be greeted with utter silence?"
~ Lesley Hitchens ~

"I may not be out of the dark yet. I may not be standing in full sunshine. But the moon has risen in the dark, and it’s full, and it’s bright, and I can imagine the sunlight on the horizon. For now, that’s enough." ~ Beth Woolsey ~

Many of us aren't bitter, we are broken. Broken from years of lies, backstabbing and outright hate.

Years of broken promises, false love, false security. Years of being told by others that they are your friend and there for you and yet it's all a lie. We are broken, not bitter.

We are promised that we could have a mentor, friend or someone like that, yet when times get tough and they start to see the ugly in you that every single one of us have, they back away.

They see all of you and they run. You rarely hear from them if at all....

They all say you are irreplaceable yet it's in the storms, in the dark, you are replaced because nobody wants to deal with it with you.

It is then that you realize you really are alone...... Yet we are not because God is with us, even if we can't feel it..... Sometimes it's all but impossible to see that. Sometimes....

It's hard to feel God's love when you don't feel loved by most around you. It's hard to feel like we matter to anyone when they don't value us. It is hard to see ourselves when the world sees us as a broken reflection. It is hard to see the love in this world when our eyes have been shattered too many times that we can't see it any other way.

We are broken, not bitter.

Yet once something is broken, it is never the same.

Glass once broken shatters. Even if you put every piece back together in it's proper places, it doesn't look the same. It's been broken.

Yet sometimes in that brokenness, beauty can be found in the most unlikely places. Think of a glass mosaic. All pieces of broken glass intended likely for something else. Yet put together with glue, plaster, etc. to make the most interesting creation.

Feel free...... There are days that we feel trapped but we truly are free, if we allow ourselves to be. In the end, nobody's opinion matters but God's. Even if the pain that others inflict on us created us to be broken, not bitter. Maybe it is time to release ourselves from those who make us feel broken. If they won't change, then we must be the ones to make the change happen.  Don't become bitter as this leads to hate and apathy.


I shared other thoughts last night in the post titled, Night Reflections

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~




"God uses broken people like you and me to rescue broken people like you and me."
~ Eddie Cortes ~

Night Reflections

This pic is an older one I took but even as it rained last night on my way home from community band, my thoughts were going. My son right now has a common illness but still no fun. I'm just glad it happened now and not during a time of appointments that we really had to have for him. Looking on TimeHop (An 'on this day' in the past app) it's crazy to see where we have been. A year ago I was already waiting on my son's first MRI that would be a few months later. Two years ago today a tornado hit where I used to live at in Indiana, and was the funeral for a fellow cranio patient I had the honor to meet in Louisville back in 2011... Three years ago my daughter was still recovering from surgery, and five years ago we were dealing with a new asthma diagnosis with my daughter.

It's always at night or on drives that thoughts go in my head the most.... Hence, night reflections. In the rains and storms, the roads are hard to see sometimes, especially at night. The lights reflect back so much that it almost looks like your road is a mirror. The journey feels like that sometimes..... Yet after the storms, so much is made clearer.

This pic was after the storms and rain moved out. It was much more brilliant than my camera can get. Soon after though, I got this as the sun was setting.

Darkness was falling upon us and night was coming yet sometimes as the storms, as the dark rolls into our lives, we can know the good and beauty that comes out of it. We can't see the brilliance of the moon without it being dark first. Light is brighter the darker it is.

Sometimes it's so hard to remember this but we must......

Sometimes the journey feels like it's midnight and we are climbing up the steep mountain of vanity it feels like and despite the little light from the moon shining down upon us, we feel like we are about to fall to our death.We look up and we can see the stars and the moon in the sky during our climb but as a foot slips, we also look down into the never ending dark abyss below and wonder how long we can keep holding on...... 

I can't find the quote right now for the life of me to properly post it here but the one I know, it basically says that sometimes when the moon is full and bright in a dark time of our lives, we can use that to remember that dawn will come. Accept the full moon for now and the light it gives.

Here it is, I finally found it. "I may not be out of the dark yet. I may not be standing in full sunshine. But the moon has risen in the dark, and it’s full, and it’s bright, and I can imagine the sunlight on the horizon. For now, that’s enough."
Quoted from HERE
Hang on to even that last thread of the rope that you are clinging to because dawn will come, you will have your footing again and you will make it.

Hang in there!
~ Special Momma ~

Glowing in the Dark

I have had this in waiting working on it but then never got back to it.... Sorry about that... Life tends to sometimes get crazy....

Anyway,
This was another snippet that came from our revival recently with Ken Freeman I wanted to share about.


We all have seen things that glow in the dark. Things from stars to cups to stickers to paint and even on some clothing. Yet what does it take to glow in the dark? It doesn't just do it on it's own does it? No. Glow in the dark doesn't work without light. The longer and brighter the light is, the brighter and longer the glow will last before it dims out.

Even if you break it, it will still glow as long as it's been exposed to light before being in darkness.

Yet a glow stick, you have to break it before it will glow, however it can only glow once and then it's over. You can never make that glow again.

How are we going to be? Will we stay in the light so therefore when it is dark, we will stay glowing till it is light again? Though we may dim over time in the darkness, we will still be the brightest thing showing in that darkness.



That time in the darkness can really test us..... On bad days I try to listen to uplifting music only but there are a few that I listen to that reflects my mood. Away from the Sun by 3 Doors Down is one of them.

"It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Oh no yeah

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Now I can't tell what I've done
Now again I found myself so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Oh no yeah"
That's a song about depression. Depression can be some of the darkest times in one's life..... Yet no matter how dark it gets, the light we have no matter how bright, will be seen the best the darker it is. The thing we have to remember is to cling to the Light, no matter what. Never lose the faith no matter how dim life seems in the moment, it will get better.... We all just have to hang on for the ride and see who can hang on with us through it. Look at it like this, at least we can have fun watching how funny some look falling off our ride that was given to us. I just pray that we ourselves don't..... And if we do, it doesn't hurt too badly to get back up and keep going.... We have no other choice....

Yet think of this too which is what I will end with.
How far away can a single candle flame be seen in darkness? If Earth were flat, or if you were standing atop a mountain surveying a larger-than-usual patch of the planet, you could perceive bright lights hundreds of miles distant. On a dark night, you could even see a candle flame flickering up to 30 mi. (48 km) away. Our eyes can see a galaxy 2.6 million light-years away. That's just our human eyes!

How incredible is that?! Focus on the light, no matter what. This is a dark world, so how will you be the light for someone else?

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Seeds

We have had a revival going on lately. I'm loving that I'm hearing Ken Freeman. I really felt led to share this one. I'm not preachy, even here. This blog is to help show the rainbows in the storms. Always has, always will, even when my storms are bad. I really need to share this though. Please read this.

Especially when our storms are bad, we are more likely to get bitter, hard, cold, isolated, even feel hate. It's a struggle sometimes, it really is. It's easier to envelop ourselves in darkness then to cling to the light.

Yet we have to guard our heart the most. It's all about the heart. What's in your heart comes out of your mouth. What you say, is what you mean. Seriously. That's why we have to guard our hearts the most. It determines so much, not just our outlook on life but on how others see us. (Proverbs 4:20-23)

The other reason to guard our heart is to consider Matthew 13 and the seeds. Let me explain that the way Ken did. I knew some of what it meant but not like this. If you dont know this chapter, I encourage you to read it. It is about how the Word is taken. 

Soil = Hearts        Seed = God's Word        Bird = devil

We are to plant the seeds into the hearts of others but there are five types of soil.

1. v. 19 Calloused heart - cold, hard, unresponsive
2. v. 20 Careless heart - shallow, impulsive, Sunday Christian, Holiday Christian, rarely reads the Bible, rarely prays,
3. v. 22 Crowded heart - clutter in life, preoccupied, confused, fearful, worries, consumed with the things in life
4. v. 23 Christ-Like - full of fruit but some don't give as much. Seen HERE Fruit being things we do, works to show the love of Christ. Do we serve like we should? Do we love others as Christ loved us?
5.v. 24 to 32 Counterfeit Heart - act everything like a Christian but NOT saved. 

Here was the revelation I had: Listen! That's why the narrow road has so few yet the road to destruction is so wide...... 

God gave us his Son's heart so that we may live. I don't mean live physically but to live spiritually. How will you choose? The narrow, hard way that leads to Heaven or the easy way with the majority of the crowd to destruction? In order for us to live, someone had to die. Christ died for every single one of us. Every single one.

Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6 (NIV)
John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.


Whether you are old or young, rich or poor, a liar, a thief, an adulterer, a murder and so on, if you truly repent with a sincere heart and accept Jesus, YOU WILL BE SAVED…. It begins with faith in God, confessing we are sinners and that we mess up...., professing faith that Christ is our Lord and savior, and saying it.

We have all sinned and deserve God's judgment. God, the Father, sent His only Son to satisfy that judgment for those who believe in Him. Jesus, the creator and eternal Son of God, who lived a sinless life, loves us so much that He died for our sins, taking the punishment that we deserve, was buried, and rose from the dead according to the Bible. If you truly believe and trust this in your heart, receiving Jesus alone as your Savior, declaring, "Jesus is Lord," you will be saved from judgment and spend eternity with God in heaven.

Pray with me: "Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

 I now encourage you to find a local church where you can be baptized and grow in the knowledge of God through His Word, the Bible. Pray about where God wants you to be.  

 
Please leave me a comment if you were touched by this post or accepted Christ.

 Most of all, don't be worried about what the world thinks, only of God. So hard but we will stay better on the path that way.




Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

My next post will leave you never looking at things that glow in the dark the same.

Broken Solace

Most would see this open field and see weeds. I see quiet solace, I see peace and quiet. I also see where the night brought dew but the morning light will nourish. Darkness comes but the light will be back.... If we can survive the darkness, we will see the glorious light. If we can survive the storm, no matter how bad it is, we will arise out of it with the sun shining to our face and a rainbow outside the storm. 

Yesterday morning I was walking my son in his stroller when I saw this. My mind was flooded with thoughts. We didn't get the best news on his MRI and my thoughts were all over the place. When I get words in my head, I like to write. At this moment I am doing better then I was. In time I will adjust to this "new again" normal.

What I'm having a hard time with is wondering what I did or did not do to cause this for my son. What could I have done different? Was playing with him in some of the ways I have made it worse?

What is our new normal again? That is when I thought of broken solace. Solace means peace in times of trial. Right now I don't feel peace but in time I will adjust to this, like I have everything else over the years. I will adjust, the shock will wear off and life will go on. No rest for the weary, really except in the peace that only God can give us.....Yet once something is broken, it is never the same. Glass once broken shatters. Even if you put every piece back together in it's proper places, it doesn't look the same. It's been broken. Yet sometimes in that brokenness, beauty can be found in the most unlikely places.Think of a glass mosaic. All pieces of broken glass intended likely for something else. Yet put together with glue, plaster, etc. to make the most interesting creations.

Yet I can find peace in that my children are happy, God has a plan and I know all will work out for the best, in time.

A quote I will end this with was one that was shared in Bible study last night. We were talking about the wisdom of God.

God: As He Longs for You to See Him

"until we grasp what it means that God is all-wise, we will never be able to trust and rest in his wise plan for our lives."
"If there were a better way to do it, then I would be experiencing those other circumstances instead of these. If there were a kinder, faster, more expedient, or gentler way, God would be using it." Chip Ingram

Hard to believe sometimes..... Honestly the first thought I had last night when I read that was, "Well then, why my son? If this was the easy way, I would hate to see the hard way....."

There is much I'll never understand on this side but someday I will......

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~