I saw where someone had shared an attempted suicide scar and wanted to know what to do with it as a way to remind herself what she had overcome. Someone mentioned a Phoenix as a way to show how she had risen from the ashes of what was to where she is now.
I loved that idea.
The Phoenix. They rise from their own ashes and they represent rebirth. The Phoenix is rising transformed and transmuted out of the flames of destruction. The Phoenix comes out of being trapped within and flies.
There's one song with Audiomachine called Phoenix Rising as well. It's a favorite! As you can probably guess I'm listening to that while writing. Music while writing feeds me.
The Phoenix is rising out from within me. It's amazing what honestly this training has been doing for me. Seriously!
You see these scars? Yeah my legs are covered in them. Age shows too.
I've thought about getting something done on both to signify what those scars told, what created them, and I don't mean the blade that did, but where I was. The darkest pit I had ever been in. Yet the years it took to climb out of that. To continue overcoming. To learn that giving up would mean those who hurt me would win. To learn that I am worth something. To learn that I could be loved. To learn that these battle scars would help me to handle the battle of the medical world. To battle the training I'm also in now.
Those who abused me did not win. The ones who should have loved me the most and didn't, did not destroy me. The depression at 11-14 did not win. The suicide attempt at 12 did not win. Ultimately that credit goes to God. The continued desire for death till summer of turning 14 did not win. Marching band saved me first. It really did. To know what I was a part of and that the show would not do as well without even me in it meant something. I may have sucked at playing and marching that first year but we took State anyway. I accepted Christ days before this.
At the time I accepted Christ, I had the thought that it would automatically get better. Easier. I'd just stop the potty mouth I had, The hate in my heart for myself but also all who had hurt me. The mind war. It wasn't that simple. It's been a slow road. A lot of mountains and valleys to climb up and down. Good but a lot of not good in all of it. Just being real.
Salvation is amazing. Salvation brings my forever home. Yet salvation isn't an "get out of the jail of life" card either. We gotta keep working. Keep striving to heal. To go forward, even if it's just centimeters a day vs miles a day. Celebrate your Recovery from whatever still stands in our way.
Anger, anxiety and control issues are my current ones. (I get my four year chip this fall!)
Even now I still struggle with the consequences of my son's epilepsy and encephalomalacia and what it all means later. Would he be where he is now in needing as much support come kindergarten if what caused both had been handled properly in the first place? What was my part in that? Where did I fail? Was that a battle lost because I didn't outcry over the wait loud enough?
Overall I have gone quiet. Been quiet for close to a year now. I've mostly enjoyed it. I got quiet because I was tired of the hurt from others and honestly I had to regroup from the new diagnoses in the medical world... Been much better since starting training over six weeks ago now. My heart and mind were too dark a little while before that..... I've mostly enjoyed the time training now. Lets me outdoors, losing weight, toning up and know it's for a good cause.
Yet to go out there and have my goal to keep him in inclusion by joining the cause with Ainsley's Angels brings victory. That even though I couldn't stop what has happened, those ashes can still be turned into something good.
(May I also remember that the next MRI and whatnot that comes.....)
Sharing about inclusion, what Ainsley's Angels does and allow the joy on the riders faces to warm us up too, no matter what life has done to us.... Little did I know what my son's simple request during the half-marathon April 6th would do......
Nearly seven weeks later and I've lost near 10 pounds. People are noticing that what I'm doing is paying off. May what I'm doing help others too..... As a friend said to me a couple days ago "I’m always amazed to hear what you have endured. You certainly are changing the script for not just your kids. Others are seeing and reading and changing even if they don’t say anything. Ripples are turning into waves."
Almost seven weeks of training now and today I began some running intervals in the walking. My fastest pace time walking I am at 14:40 per mile. I achieved that early this week. Today I began some interval running and my best distance with the running part was a tenth of a mile. Yeah..... I see that as lame honestly.....
BUT I did find some humor with it today.
In the voice of Jeff Foxworthy, "I can walk half-marathons three times in the almost seven weeks of training I've done but I can't run a tenth mile without dyin!" 🤣🤷
Yet the day I finish the 5k in a few months, it'll be another victory. Regardless of if I walk some of it or run all of it. It'll be a victory. When I finish a half-marathon in March it'll be a victory. I've already gotten a half-marathon distance done three times so far and my shortest time was just over four hours.
I can't wait to push my son with Ainsley's Angels and come out the finish line with victory! As long as I don't finish last....... Even if we don't get his chariot, I pray I find a way to always be able to keep training, even when he's with me because he is the inspiration. Ainsley's Angels may be the resource but my son is the inspiration.
So much of the training has brought so much out. As a friend said, layer after layer just starts coming off. Sweat out all the crap that doesn't belong and in with the new. It doesn't change the challenges ahead but at least I feel like I'm actually achieving something that benefits more than just us here. Where I feel like I have value again beyond just having to fight battles over and over again.
Yet it's bought more courage and strength than I thought it would. Seriously!!!
To come from the lowest I was at near 13 and ready to die, hoping God or whatever would just take me in my sleep, to trying to kill myself to where I am now twenty some years later is crazy. I have had to learn so much the hard way. Yet I have done it. I have been mostly alone in the war yet I have done it. I'm continuing to do it. The war will eventually be won. Yet I am no longer silent.
I talk freely when the time is needed now. I don't care who I offend or upset.
Silence was my enemy then. People were my enemy then. Not anymore.
Many may hate me or wish to silence me for being so outspoken about so much stuff now but that's why. Never again. Never again will silence and being quiet win. Never again will it.
I don't care what the topic is, silence wins nothing.
Sitting back and doing nothing wins nothing.
Refusing to let others be heard wins nothing.
Spewing hate at others because they see things differently wins nothing.
I'm thankful that my children have a better relationship and foundation with me than I ever did any anyone growing up. For all the things I do wrong, I know I'm doing better than what was ever shown to me.
With that in mind, keep this in mind as well.
The Phoenix is here and she is not going anywhere. The Phoenix has risen from ashes to soar above the world. The birth of the Phoenix was difficult but she is here. She is not cowering or sitting in silence ever again. She will declare victory. The war with many battles will not be easy to win but victory will ultimately prevail!
~ Special Momma ~
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