This was something I wrote back in September 2013. It was a really hard point in this journey. We were getting nowhere with my daughter's doctors nor insurance. This pic was taken in the winter of 2013.
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The Forest
You are totally lost in the dark when you embark on the journey. You have no source of light from anything except perhaps the moon high in the sky but some nights you don't even have that. Some nights are worse and the rain just won't stop! You don't know which night will be like what. The journey started that first night with you being told that you have no choice but to wander in these woods. Your goal is to find the 'cure, fix, help, etc.' that you know you need to find and bring back. However just before you start to protest this, you get told worse. "You can only go alone to start. You must find your own food and water in these woods. You must find your own shelter and a way to make light in your journey. But watch out for the poisonous food." "Well, which is that?" "You just have to find out for yourself!" So there you go with nothing to work with and you have no choice but to push on. Finally when dawn comes, you have been going for what seems like forever. You are hungry and you are thirsty. As the day brightens up the forest you are in, you begin to think that you just might get this. You finally find someone else walking this and they help you out some in where nourishment is, however they can't help much in avoiding what is poisonous. Soon after you are walking alone again. The food you now have been filled with helps you keep your strength up for the journey however soon you will have to find more. The day pushes on and soon you know you have to do something about nightfall and where you will stop for the night. You have no idea how to make shelter so that second night you sleep under a nearby tree and just hope nothing 'eats' you. Now, as the days and nights continue, you slowly begin to learn how to navigate this. The forks in the road you know which ones to take sometimes and others you just guess. You are still lost in this forest but you soon learn how to care for yourself and how to make shelter. Though you can't help but think about where the other paths would lead sometimes. You know though you can't stay there. Over time you learn how to stay away from the poisonous stuff most of the time. Not without dealing with some of it first of course. Unfortunately you never know how each night will be nor do you know when the storms will ravage the forest you are traveling in. You don't find many people on the same path as you even though you know in your heart, there are many in this forest of the unknowns. Even less are the ones who are able and or willing to help you out. Most of this journey is gone through daily alone, and through your faith in God. The biggest threats in this forest are the poisonous people who feed you a variety of things. Lies, deceit, hate, intolerance, ignorance, etc. The dark nights when there is no moon to light your way when you really fear for what is and is not out there along with the unknowns. And of course the storms because you never know what will be a result of those storms. The one within your own mind you really have to battle the most is the envy, guilt/regrets and the feelings of being unloved. It is so easy when you walk a journey alone in this deep, dark forest to let your mind wander to that. Yes, you know during the day the sun is up but it's not often you can see the rays of sun through the trees, nor the moon at night. Both provide just enough light though to get through. It's the nights that there is no light at all that is the hardest beyond the storms. It is those nights you feel alone the most. The nights when you lay there and think about those 'lucky' ones on the outside living their life in their own utopia with nothing to keep them up at night. They don't walk alone, they can do what they want how they want. Yet it is those nights that I lie there in this journey and the battle of the mind continues. You know that the world will keep on going the next day. Time does not stop. Yet sometimes you oftentimes wish that others outside this forest would see what you do, you keep on reminding yourself that they can't see the flowers that you do. They can't see the hints of rainbows that the storms leave behind even when you are soaking wet from them. Yet sometimes, just sometimes you wish you could drag them in there with you so they can see what all you see then perhaps they would at least try to understand your journey or at least they would not judge it.
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"Fear can sometimes creep into my heart and steal my focus away from having faith. I'm learning the first step to stop fear is to acknowledge it. Then overpower fear with prayer and God's Truth." ~ Lysa TerKeurst ~
That's the best thing to remember on the dark days.... When you go through periods of time where you feel alone, depressed, in the dark, drowning in the storm(s) God is with you no matter what. Even if you don't feel it at the time.
My storm: This post didn't want to align right so today it's all centered. lol
My rainbow: Time with my family.
Hang in there....
~ Special Momma ~
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