Darkness

I wanted to share this writing I did over a year ago. Even under the forest in darkness, light shines through just like in the pic.

Darkness
3-16-14

Sometimes the darkness in the battles of life can be so consuming and heavy. Sometimes the darkness is so dark that finding that glimmer of light is about impossible. Finding that single star in the night sky cloaked in darkness takes all night to find. Some nights it's not able to be found. Sometimes the battles and journeys of life leave us so ravaged, torn, abused, worn, hopeless..... Some days you go to bed at night defeated, the tears flowing like a river. The only hope you have is that you remember tomorrow is a new day. Yet when the journey feels like constant battles, sometimes you dread what tomorrow brings. You dread the medical bill in the mail knowing an insurance battle is ahead or worse. The knowledge and feelings in the budget balking at yet another trip for medical appointments/procedures yet you have no choice. The knowledge that some afford that with ease yet others struggle and are helpless to do anything about it. You dread a call from a doctor or the school. You know in your heart, you can't live like that yet some days, is impossible not to. Some days it's like it all hits at once and your wonder if your battle armor can take any more. You wonder how many more broken hallelujahs you can sing before your aching heart isn't so heavy. You sometimes wonder how much longer you can take your child sobbing in pain being helpless to do anything to take it away, being in the hospital yet one more day, more bad news from doctors, more guessing games as to what is really going on and why, another IEP meeting where all you hear is bad, etc. Sometimes you just wish you could throw your hands up and let the darkness overtake you. But you know too that you have to fight this fight. No other human will do it for you. You know you have to advocate, even if the Goliath ahead seems impossible to win against.


Want to know what really keeps us going? For me is the faith that someday there will be no more suffering or pain. It's the faith that all may abandon me but God never will. It's the faith that even when I'm mad at God and don't understand why, He still loves me and He has an ultimate plan. Even when I want to yell at Him, He still loves me. When my daughter can celebrate a day without pain, I rejoice in that, even if nobody else understands my joy. When I can watch my child reach out to others around her, even strangers and show them the light and joy within her that makes my day. When she tells me she hopes her unborn sibling doesn't have to deal with what she does it stabs your heart but then to see your child pray in faith about it, you know you did something right.... To see her compassion and love for other kids warms your heart. That is where I see the overcoming of the darkness.


Sometimes when the darkness of battle consumes us, that single flame of hope, that solitary star in the black sky, even the moon at night, is that slight glimmer of hope that the battles won't last forever. You see then that in reality, the light is more powerful then what the darkness is. the darkness is really dark and you get overwhelmed. Yet never forget that in reality, the light is stronger. God will overcome. Pain and suffering really won't last forever. Reality shows us that beauty can really come from ashes of pain. Even if we are the only ones to see it that way. We cry out to God to end the battles yet sometimes we see the beauty in the dawn of morning. The smoke from the rubble can bring about something better then what burned down. Sometimes we have to let it burn to see what rises above. God really can build better from the pain then what we see in the time we are in it. The hard part is getting to the other side of the darkness and enter the morning dawn alive. When you do, you know you are stronger for it. You know that more battles are ahead. More times of darkness will come but each battle won, gives you hope that you can win the next.

May you all make it through the nights of darkness to come out that next dawn knowing you are stronger and really not alone, even if you are the only one fighting.

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My storm: Reality of my son's journey has been on my mind today...
My rainbow: Thanks to a gift card, I got a frozen Mudslide from our local java house! That sucker was good!! (Coffee, chocolate, whipped cream)

What's yours?

Hang on for the ride!

~ Special Momma  ~