Crashing

"But rains pour down upon us, storm clouds darken the skies and we get lost in the storm. Have you been there? Wandering in the darkness, crying out only to be greeted with utter silence?"
~ Lesley Hitchens ~

When I was pregnant with my son, there was some speculation to if he would have the same craniofacial issues that my daughter does. The marker given would be the Brachycephaly. He was due July 4th but arrived June 13th after labor started via c-section thanks to him being breech. My OB teased about him being a butthole baby because he decided to try to come butt first the last second. lol When he came out and soon after started crying, I cried. I had a miscarriage (March 19th, 2013 no heartbeat) before him and on what would have been my angel's due date, that was the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. My rainbow after the storm, my rainbow baby. My OB followed me in both pregnancies and was the most supportive of our decisions. If we ever have anymore children, I will keep using him. We had someone else for my pregnancy with my daughter though the OB I had after is the one who delivered my daughter.

Anyway,

When my son was born, they said likely craniofacial. Before breakfast the following morning, the pediatrician walked in and confirmed it. My hormones helped nothing....I cried. I cried because I hurt from the cesarean, I cried because I was honestly mad at God for allowing my son to have to face the same as my daughter and honestly, I cried because I blamed myself for it. The nurse who was on duty that day held me as I cried. She soothed me as I just let it all out. Then she got me pain meds.

Soon after I got this card with my breakfast.

I knew there would be a chance but that moment with the pediatrician, my world crashed all over again. Many times since my daughter's first diagnosis, we have dealt with crashes in one way or another. During those times, I know I have not handled them the best way possible. Who really does? I had times of yelling at God to cursing myself for not being good enough to thinking that what my children have to go through was my own atonement, God punishing me. Both of my children have more then the primary diagnosis. I still struggle to not figure it all out. Figure out the why's and who to blame, which usually our nature is to blame God.

Many times we have had to face the ashes of what we thought we would have, could have, should have had. We have built our dreams, our wishes, our wants but then it burns down and all that remains is charred dreams and ashes. Beauty can come from ashes though. We expected Italy eight years ago and got Holland. Now we have two in Holland. Beauty from ashes. I will post about that tomorrow. 

Stay tuned.
"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be."
Joan Ryan, The Water Giver: The Story of a Mother, a Son and Their Second Chance
Broken Hallelujah......

My storm today: I'm tired... I want details on some stuff already...
My rainbow today: Chocolate! :)

What's yours?

Blessings!!
~ Special Momma ~