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I shared the following on Facebook but later took it off:
"It's frustrating when you write something uplifting in Blogger just to get full of doubts later the same day........ I know what's discouraging me but yet I hate how when something comes from the heart, all the self-doubt of everything working hits soon after.
How you start to question if what you are doing will make a difference. If it'll be something I push through and conquer. If it'll be something else I struggle feeling like I'm doing enough with. If the cost is worth it. If yet again I'm trying to fly and instead I smash my face....... Again......
It's not that I want attention or recognition but I want to feel like I'm doing good. Like I'm making a difference. If the tough doesn't break me. If when the moment of truth comes, can I overcome and finish? I know some doubters think I'll just quit this "fad" thing. My stubborn will is there, but is my endurance? My doubts also come with summer coming and school letting out. It takes a few hours to do 10 miles now.
Can I continue this summer with the eldest home? What about next summer when two kids are? Theoretically I'd hope to have that pushchair for my son by then but because of how loud the past speaks, I carry doubts..... The only reason neuropsych happened is because some family paid into over half of the balance. Otherwise we would still be waiting for it.....
I shouldn't doubt but I can't lie. I should just trust and have faith, I know. To trust the unknown, to trust hope, to trust the will to make a difference is hard. Harder than those hills I've done several times this week and will do again tomorrow likely. Why? Why can't I just keep the faith? Why can't I trust that it'll work out? I can't fail because than I'll fail the promise I made to my son.....
Determination isn't always enough but it helps.....
What is my fate here?
What about the next Children's admission? How will that length of stay affect my training? What if I fail finishing that marathon because of life keeping me from training? I hold fear at the moment of that. If not life than my weak flesh or mind....
I'm doing a good job of the showing faith right? NOT! Maybe the brick walls aren't the physical endurance but more so walls of the mind and spirit. I may have broken the half-marathon wall in four and a half hours already but I'm seeing there's much more ahead. I need to shorten that time, walking or not. I hope those mind and spirit walls, I hope I'm strong enough to break those walls too...... Thanks for hearing me ramble......"
A friend commented: "While goals and hope are important, you're missing the acknowledgement and accomplishment of today by shifting your focus to what has not yet happened. Focus on today, what lies ahead no farther than when your head finally hits that pillow and your eyes close for the night. Those hills are such a big feat. Not many can conquer them like you are! You spoke inspiration in blogger today and released the words that you had pent up inside, begging to be put into written text. Marvel at your accomplishments. Look at your sweet babies and your dear hubby and breathe in with eyes open, pause, and as you slowly release that breath, close your eyes and give yourself the credit you so deserve. Today was a success among bigger successes. Those accomplishments needed today in order to be what they'll be later. Close the book tonight with love for the page written in it. Rub your thumbs lovingly on its cover before you set it down to write in it more tomorrow. Thank it for all that was today, for the lessons you didn't even know you learned, for the growth you made without realizing it, and for the inspiration you brought to others with great love and purpose."
She's right yet why won't my brain shut up already?
I had been tagging a few people on my achievement posts in the last week, the first Ainsley's Angels post last Friday and the one I did yesterday as the part two. After a few hours of waging war within my own self, I took off the tags on most of it this evening. I don't want to just be "annoying" with my stuff either.
Do other people training for marathons tag people during it? Or write blog posts about it? Unlikely..... Why do I post in the kids' group page, can see who's seen it and yet silence pretty much all around? I'm used to the silence on mine because as I've been told, I "Chase everyone away." Why am I even thinking about Facebook? Why am I even bothered about social media?
Why can't I just stay focused on this goal and silence the doubts and crap? Why do I even carry the fears of and with this goal? Are these mental roadblocks I'm having normal?
The fundraising for a push chair, I fear it flopping. Why? Because all in the past I've been involved with did but one and that's only because of a family member with the neuropsych testing you read about earlier.
Why? Why can't we just be a family that can be able to afford stuff? Why can't we be a family that people are willing to help once in a while and support like others get a surplus of? We all can name at least one or two who asked for a little help and got a lot, yet some out there get little to nothing. Is it just another popularity contest? A way people tally up who's worth it or not?
Yeah, yeah life's not fair. Don't preach it to me. It's still a valid question. Yet without it, how do I effectively keep the training going when he's home? He's too big for regular ones now that generally cost less.
The village thing, I believe that, yet I can't help but wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure again. Setting myself up with hope that gets crushed like it always had before.
As I lie in bed writing this up, I want to just blame the rainy day we had on all of these thoughts. Yet I know there's more to it. What and why? Do others who train for something big like this do the same as I am with the battle within? Or are these just demons within I gotta find a way to kick out?
I just gotta know that I'm doing this right AND good enough......
Time will tell.......
From Pinterest
I hope it is at least......
I don't need to fail my son too.....
~ Special Momma ~
After I posted this, I was still struggling some with this. I commented on a post in the Ainsley's Angels group about it. This was shared with me. It really helped. I'll be out later and that will help to. May I persevere!
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