Marathon training - Epiphany and setbacks

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Sitting here listening to Shadowfall by Audiomachine.... It's the song I always start my training on to better increase my walking pace and distance.

Friday,  I posted my last entry here, I did another half marathon distance later that morning. Two in one week. I felt pretty dang good after I did that Friday. Nothing was hurting either.

I posted this Saturday morning.

"Training has shown me this. Time alone on the open road with thoughts, plans and dreams of a finish with my son. I only hope I can continue. I hope I can make a difference and know I'm finally worth something in this world beyond "staying home and being lazy." No longer am I letting the emotions of this medical world control me. Yes there will be days but those days won't go beyond. If my children can face the medical world as bravely and triumphantly as they do, then surely I can handle the training to the finish. The morning that started this was April 7th, the day after the Hogeye. Next goal beyond getting help covering the cost for his chariot Ainsley's Angels will provide will be running a 5k in June while pushing my son. Just since Monday the 15th , I have done 43.71 miles this week at about 19 minutes per mile. Both are better than the week prior. That's with big hills too. You all haven't seen anything yet. I'm just getting started. Week three is ahead."

Friday of last week

vs Wednesday of last week.

Total of last week, time it took me is the graph.

However Saturday the right knee under the kneecap area has been hurting, especially if rotated a little like getting into a car. We wound up having to call a locksmith for us, my contribution to Easter dinner failed and had to do plan B and my mood was crap. Hey at least I've lost five pounds since the 12th! And I need a belt for several of my jeans now. Good and bad. Sunday my knee was still hurting but I wanted to go out the next day and at least walk on the level trail. No jogging till the knee stops hurting. I'm not making it worse.

Sunday morning I also got a rude text basically saying "Why would anyone want to cover that "chariot" for you as you called it? You sit there and beg for something that you can't pay for yourself. You should have thought about that before training for a marathon I don't see you finishing anyway. What's the point when this will likely be just another fad anyway? Get over yourself and just be glad your son is accepted with Ainsley's Angels or whatever. Quit being a leech living off others and the government. Live like the rest of us have to. Pay your own way and quit asking for stuff."

I was bound and determined to not let rude people get in my way. I've dealt with comments from people for my life but especially since my son was born. It's one thing to be told growing up that I should have been aborted or that I will never succeed at anything. It's a whole other ballgame when you tell me that I will fail at a promise I made my kid. Chariot or no chariot, I will find a way, the chariot just will make that much easier to obtain because I'll have build the endurance before a race day to push him versus not.

I did three miles yesterday on the flat trail and my pace was around 20 per mile. Not my goals but something right? It flared the knee up a little more.

Then the setback came in.....

I got reminded that I'm pushing too hard and I need to slow my pace down on this. I know they are right but man am I mad. Not at them but at me. I'm just honestly pissed at myself for the injury that I could have prevented by being more careful dealing with the block on the trail Friday, at least...... I just feel like a weakling simply because I stretched my right leg too much trying to go under a dead tree that fell on the trail Friday....... I'm just frustrated. Just for once I want to do something right and be good at something for once. Yet my weak 180 pound "lazy overweight " (as some family have called me) butt is pathetic and can't. I stretch and what not before and after each time out on a track/trail yet I still manage to screw something up.

The epiphany coming home yesterday from community band was this: the reason why I'm pushing myself so hard now to do this is indeed for Ainsley's Angels and my son as I have said. Yet it is also to prove to my son that I won't fail him like I did in late 2017. One of my friends knows how I feel about that. Had I not failed him then, he wouldn't have a TBI and epilepsy now. I failed my son once before because I wasn't loud enough and trusted doctors timing. Losing Dallas a few months prior to that only added to it. I have had that guilt compounded in recent months with neuropsych results and continued visuals of the encephalomalacia on his MRI'S..... When he asked me to join him at the Hogeye I couldn't and he was not happy about it. Yet that is something I can control. What I do..... So I have. And now with this flareup or whatever with my knee thanks to climbing over lap 1 and under lap 2 a downed tree Friday, I feel like I'm failing again. Sounds dumb maybe but I refuse to fail him again and yet I struggle with feeling like I already have by having to backtrack all of this I've done so far.

It's frustrating feeling like I failed, even if deep down I know I have not. He is my responsibility and so therefore I struggle with feeling like it still is, even though I know that responsibility wasn't mine.... I just want to feel like I did something right for him, you know? Not be a failed mom for my kids...... I feel like I'm failing the one group that has such good inclusion and God who trusted me with them and I feel like I failed Him too....

So all of that said, with  much reluctance, I have agreed to do the couch to 5k plan..... Less chance of overdoing it if I stick with it..... It'll still give me the chance to do the 5k in June I want to do with Ainsley's Angels. At least I can say I did almost 44 miles in one week at that only being my second week of training..... Did three miles yesterday with the eldest. Wanted to do more though..... My knee was fussing still some but I did not push hard yesterday AND did a flat trail. It's supposed to rain the next few days here so I suppose that's God making me sit still and let this thing heal before I go back out at this point..... I hope I can go out Thursday or Friday for a few anyway.... Even if it's just the 20 minutes couch to 5k has for day one.

I'll settle the knee than work on incorporating jogging and begin the couch to 5k.....I'm going to have to push that a tad harder than it says due to the timing of the 5k I want to do and push my son for the first time with Ainsley's Angels though. Maybe I shouldn't but I can't help myself..... I just don't want to be stupid either. Now to ease back into this in a slower pace..... May my spirit let me pace it.....

Time to go wipe my face again......

Tears do not tell the tale of defeat, but only of a change of plans..... The goal is the same, just the means are different. June 8th I will push my son, even if I have to walk some of it. I will push him in my first 5k and I don't care what my weak, fat flesh says. I'm doing it.
One thing I have been learning in life is this from Dolly Parton "Storms make trees take deeper roots" or as I'll also add, they knock down and kill the trees. Other trees lose branches but still stand. Though they will forever remain without those branches, especially if they were large ones. It's a stark reminder of the storm that tried to kill them.

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Just because I have lost many branches over the years of either crushed dreams, stalled ideas, "not being good enough fast enough" abuse growing up, facilities/group homes over the span of eight, almost nine years of that it doesn't mean I'm dead. It doesn't mean that new branches have not grown out of what was broken. The scars of what was is still there, but it doesn't mean that nothing new can come from it. All my life I've been told to either "get over it" or that I'm a liar or drama queen. We may not be able to change what has been but we can do something about what will be. Even if it's harder than hell...... When it comes to marathon training and all that goes with it, a good song that fits that honestly is Highway to Hell...... Well it does!! "And I'm goin down..all the way! I'm on the highway to hell....." May I be refined and ready for this when I come back. God willing.....

I gotta say though I never thought working through training would bring up so much emotional crap with it too. I was warned it would but wow, I didn't think it would be like this.....



I'm going to end this post with one of my favorite lyrical songs for today. It fits well, even if I can't be racking up the miles much this week......

"Not Gonna Die"By: Skillet

Death surrounds
My heartbeat’s slowing down
I won’t take this world’s abuse
I won’t give up, I refuse!
This is how it feels when you’re bent and broken
This is how it feels when your dignity’s stolen
When everything you love is leaving
You hold on to what you believe in
The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye
And then I heard you flat line
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Break their hold
'Cause I won’t be controlled
They can’t keep their chains on me
When the truth has set me free
This is how it feels when you take your life back
This is how it feels when you finally fight back
When life pushes me I push harder
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger
The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye
And then I heard you flat line
No, not gonna die tonight
We’re gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Don’t you give up on me
You’re everything I need
This is how it feels when you take your life back
This is how it feels when you fight back
No, not gonna die tonight
We’re gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Not gonna die
(Not gonna die)
Not gonna die
(Not gonna die)
Not gonna die tonight

I'm not done yet! I refuse to fail my kid again....... I just need a body that does what my mind wants it to do...... In the meantime I'm glad I finally have an Ainsley's Angels shirt, I can do my training in that, run/walk with that at events and be proud that a program like this exists for my son and many more out there like him.

"Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance."
— Samuel Johnson

~ Special Momma ~