A few days of mental roller coaster coming right up! As if the last few marathon themed posts weren't already but..... This ends well today!
Saturday this is where I was....
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Not sure what my mood has been about a good part of this month..... Kinda been all over honestly...... Felt like a lazy failure all week due to knee pain from overextending under a fallen tree, didn't contribute good pics of my son from the run today, some can afford chariots, sports and whatever for their kids and participate in all these events and yet sometimes I'm lucky we make the farther drives as a rare treat. I feel like I'm not doing enough for anything......
Even more when I do ask for help or someone offers to set up a GoFundMe type thing for us in covering something once in a while like many others have asked for themselves a time or two, I'm the lazy leech mooch who just wants a handout. Yeah, really. Is that why all fundraising ever failed? Neuropsych was covered but that's only because a relative covered over half the cost.
What's important though now is my training to not only do up to a half-marathon but to finish in a short enough time that we get credit for it as I promised my son regardless of the rest because no matter how much my family is loved, involved with others, supported or whatever, at the end of the day I have to keep fighting for them. And only I can do it and only I ever have done it.
Yet sometimes I have to wonder if the cost of training and events for me to be included in is worth it too..... To continue training long-term I'll have to have a chariot like what Ainsley's Angels is trying to get my son but if I can't pay for it alone then what? I break my promise because I can't run/walk if he can't ride when he's home.
Just when I think I've found a calling in the past, put a lot into it, I get burned so bad that I learn again the hard way that that's not it...... I pray it's not another repeat here......
I've always struggled with feeling like my kids, and especially me really belong anywhere. Like the shades of gray are neither black nor white. One belongs or they don't. There is no middle. Yet belonging to something I never have..... I've seen the same path going for my kids..... I pray they feel a sense of belonging and worth more than I ever have.
What is the cost and is it all worth it?
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Sunday I was doing better but was still rolling in thoughts.
It was a rough day in struggling with feeling like I was worth much or that we had any valuation in our existence. No joke. Life of what I've done and been doing is worth it. If I was making any difference. If what I'm doing is good enough. If what I'm trying to achieve its really obtainable or if I'm just fooling myself. If the obstacles in my way is God's way of telling me yet again I have not found anything I'm good at. If yet again seeking help to obtain the promise made to my son is in vain. Especially when I get called a lazy leech mooch by locals and other derivatives anytime I ask. Yet some of those same ones calling me that have asked for help before too. If yet again Memphis and everything else in current standing will result in is me getting burned from false hopes and lies. If maybe all of those labels put on me over the years have any foundation. I give so much of me yet no balance. That's not the way I was taught but it's what life taught.
Action vs words. Will I ever be enough?
Life as a hermit the last year has been good in many ways but not great in others. Gave me too much time to think and over think the past, present, future and all that has gone awry yet time to miss some stuff that once was. It also have me the chance to see many true colors of others and it affirmed my decision to stay isolated. It also gave me the chance to really see how those that know me value me, or lack of. It made me see how valued prayer requests and other questions have been about the medical world have been to those that know me. It often got me chewed out or lectured. I'm dead serious. I have proof of a few of those. I got to see the few who did and the most who didn't. It hurt some yet it affirmed more what I had to do. Stay alone......
It was a year ago Sunday I obtained a clarinet and now I play it in our community band. One is what I always wanted. Two, if people in my church were going to tell my daughter soon after that I suck on stage with the flute of 20+ years, and they were leaving because I suck so bad, at least I was going to suck on what I really wanted to play. On what was new. And I would stick with those who believed in me. Several in my community band.
My son joined Ainsley's Angels in December. Six months after so much destruction and pain in the medical world. So much learned, so much debris still being picked up, even now, so much regret and pain. It took me time to trust how accepted or not we but especially him would be. Life taught me that. Repetitive wounds from family, friends, churches and community over many years did that. He was accepted first moment in. Inclusion from the start. We never had that. I never had that. In over 35 years of existence, never! In his case, he wasn't either disabled enough or was to much. Black and white world. Me, I'm too much for most to handle. I've had to be. One of these days I'll tell my full story. I'll just say enough years of abuse and rejection would change anyone, and even with God, some things will always be.
As I plan to go out training for the first time in a week, may I achieve it. May I finally be seen for something good. May I finally not fail my family. May I get healthier. May I most of all never quit. Even if I have to walk the 5k in June with my son, I will achieve that one.
May I never run out of coffee!
As I sat here thinking about the last year, my only regret is failing my son in his medical world. I know that's not my fault that medical people failed him in 2017 yet I didn't do my part loud enough. I trusted too much. I fear much.....
Never again..........
The struggle is real...... I just want to be something.
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Then Sunday night I got messaged telling me to apply for the grant within Ainsley's Angels to get my son's chair that way or just get one and pay 150 a month for it. Also to have all of his birthday money and Christmas funds go to it.
Yesterday morning I shared the following:
I want to also explain this in light of a conversation last night. There is a grant yes. However, how that grant works from my understanding is like this:
Nominations are in the comments of the YouTube Spotlight Saturday videos. The Ainsley's Angels president then reaches out from there from my understanding. All get listed from all the Spotlight Saturday videos in a quarter (Once every three months) and a name gets chosen that way.
I was told when this was set up by Ainsley's Angels that if the Crowdrise he set up doesn't work then we can try for the spotlight Saturday list. Otherwise asking that anything for my son's birthday or Christmas goes towards it was suggested to me. And next tax season maybe. That's the goal. Next season may be best depending on how it goes. Or at least that help finish it. That's if we don't have medical bills to pay off by then or other big expenses that have to be done.
We cannot do fundraisers or sales in our name however. SSI rules.
I understand this same chariot is on some sites for 850-900. We can't pay that nor can we do the 150 a month payments those sites ask for.
Sorry. I'm not just being a lazy leech who wants a handout here people....... I have done my homework.... I honestly have....
Sorry....... Sorry I'm not good enough to do it alone like the rest of the world does....
I'm sorry......
Thankfully in the meantime I have been offered to borrow one as needed. However my son having his own for runs outside actual Ainsley's Angels events would be really good too..... It would also allow me to help at other events and he have at Children's as needed.
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Then last night I got another message from someone else basically telling me to quit asking for money and if I can't buy that "thing" outright then I just need to not train till I can pay it myself.
So I shared this:
That's three since Ainsley's Angels set up the Crowdrise that I've been told either bluntly or subtle that either I'm a lazy leech wanting a handout or that I should pay for this myself and make payments on it, get a loan or that I should just not train with him till I can pay for it myself.
I'm sorry but for one, remember the golden rule.
Two: if you don't like my posts about it then either be quiet or get off my page.
Three: instead of criticizing me, offer to help.
Four: Why would Ainsley's Angels set this up for my son if they didn't believe in it? We can't do our own fundraisers in our name. SSI rules.
Finally, am I that bad to many of you? Is my son not worth anything? Is that all you people see me as is a lazy leech wanting a handout simply because of this fundraiser? Oh wait, many that have called me that did ling before this. Why? Because simply they get SSI. Only that reason.
Go ahead!
As I said this morning: There is a grant yes. However, how that grant works from my understanding is like this:
Nominations are in the comments of the YouTube Spotlight Saturday videos. The Ainsley's Angels president then reaches out from there from my understanding. All get listed from all the Spotlight Saturday videos in a quarter (Once every three months) and a name gets chosen that way.
I was told when this was set up by Ainsley's Angels that if the Crowdrise he set up doesn't work then we can try for the spotlight Saturday list.
Otherwise asking that anything for my son's birthday or Christmas goes towards it was suggested to me in a PM by a local. My son gets nothing for birthdays or Christmas till this is bought. I'm not doing that to him. Not to that extent anyway. And next tax season maybe. Next season may be best depending on how it goes. Or at least that help finish it. That's if we don't have medical bills to pay off by then or other big expenses that have to be done.
We cannot do fundraisers or sales in our name however. SSI rules.
I understand this same chariot is on some sites for 850-900. We can't pay that nor can we do the 150 a month payments it asks for.
May none of you who jump on me for this ever need help from anyone or anything. Otherwise you are a hypocrite. Is that what you say to anyone else locally who has ever tried to fundraise for anything?!?!? If not then just shut up already.
I'd much rather support something that brings inclusion regardless of anything than something where if you aren't perfectly in a box, you aren't worth it.
Thank you to those who have helped and who have offered help. I will conquer and I will keep my promise to my son!!
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This last week has been rough mentally as you can see.......
Yesterday morning though I got back out there. I did longer than planned due to talking to my walking partner but we did it. We got 4.3 miles at a pace of just over 19 minutes a mile. I did wear that knee brace to make sure it was stable as well for this. NO PAIN!!! Definitely not running material yet BUT better than where last week was. No hills yesterday. No big hills like before till next week but likely aiming for the following week. No running this week, I'll start that next week.
Today I did five miles at a little slower pace but we also had several paved, decent sized hills to go up. Not the BIG hills I've conquered before though. Not yet. I went with the same walking partner.
The knee was just a setback..... A setback I did NOT want...... Yet maybe I needed it..... Yeah, I'm coming to those terms. Finally right? That setback allowed the one who is going with me right now to keep up and pace herself, as I should be.
Next week I plan to start interval running. Like the way couch to 5k does it. With the distancing like I was suggested to do. I'm not out of shape though at this point really, so I hope to be able to pace that a little faster. Keeping the distances reasonable though. Well, their idea of reasonable, not mine. haha Right now though it's looking like the 5k I wanted to do early June won't happen BUT I know I should be able to do one in August. I have to do that one at least because I just registered to run it. Yeah I did!!! If I had to choose between the two, I'd take the August one because that one EVERYTHING goes back to Ainsley's Angels.
May I keep going. May I just not be bothered with people who don't want to support this. May I have the confidence that all will work out. May the means work out that I can get to the point of pushing my son during training sessions AND build that endurance to push him the whole way. May I someday be able to give back to the organization who has inclusion regardless of level of disability or anything else.
As I said earlier,
I'd always much rather support something that brings inclusion regardless of anything than something where if you aren't perfectly in a box, you aren't worth it.
~ Special Momma ~
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