Darkness

I wanted to share this writing I did over a year ago. Even under the forest in darkness, light shines through just like in the pic.

Darkness
3-16-14

Sometimes the darkness in the battles of life can be so consuming and heavy. Sometimes the darkness is so dark that finding that glimmer of light is about impossible. Finding that single star in the night sky cloaked in darkness takes all night to find. Some nights it's not able to be found. Sometimes the battles and journeys of life leave us so ravaged, torn, abused, worn, hopeless..... Some days you go to bed at night defeated, the tears flowing like a river. The only hope you have is that you remember tomorrow is a new day. Yet when the journey feels like constant battles, sometimes you dread what tomorrow brings. You dread the medical bill in the mail knowing an insurance battle is ahead or worse. The knowledge and feelings in the budget balking at yet another trip for medical appointments/procedures yet you have no choice. The knowledge that some afford that with ease yet others struggle and are helpless to do anything about it. You dread a call from a doctor or the school. You know in your heart, you can't live like that yet some days, is impossible not to. Some days it's like it all hits at once and your wonder if your battle armor can take any more. You wonder how many more broken hallelujahs you can sing before your aching heart isn't so heavy. You sometimes wonder how much longer you can take your child sobbing in pain being helpless to do anything to take it away, being in the hospital yet one more day, more bad news from doctors, more guessing games as to what is really going on and why, another IEP meeting where all you hear is bad, etc. Sometimes you just wish you could throw your hands up and let the darkness overtake you. But you know too that you have to fight this fight. No other human will do it for you. You know you have to advocate, even if the Goliath ahead seems impossible to win against.


Want to know what really keeps us going? For me is the faith that someday there will be no more suffering or pain. It's the faith that all may abandon me but God never will. It's the faith that even when I'm mad at God and don't understand why, He still loves me and He has an ultimate plan. Even when I want to yell at Him, He still loves me. When my daughter can celebrate a day without pain, I rejoice in that, even if nobody else understands my joy. When I can watch my child reach out to others around her, even strangers and show them the light and joy within her that makes my day. When she tells me she hopes her unborn sibling doesn't have to deal with what she does it stabs your heart but then to see your child pray in faith about it, you know you did something right.... To see her compassion and love for other kids warms your heart. That is where I see the overcoming of the darkness.


Sometimes when the darkness of battle consumes us, that single flame of hope, that solitary star in the black sky, even the moon at night, is that slight glimmer of hope that the battles won't last forever. You see then that in reality, the light is more powerful then what the darkness is. the darkness is really dark and you get overwhelmed. Yet never forget that in reality, the light is stronger. God will overcome. Pain and suffering really won't last forever. Reality shows us that beauty can really come from ashes of pain. Even if we are the only ones to see it that way. We cry out to God to end the battles yet sometimes we see the beauty in the dawn of morning. The smoke from the rubble can bring about something better then what burned down. Sometimes we have to let it burn to see what rises above. God really can build better from the pain then what we see in the time we are in it. The hard part is getting to the other side of the darkness and enter the morning dawn alive. When you do, you know you are stronger for it. You know that more battles are ahead. More times of darkness will come but each battle won, gives you hope that you can win the next.

May you all make it through the nights of darkness to come out that next dawn knowing you are stronger and really not alone, even if you are the only one fighting.

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My storm: Reality of my son's journey has been on my mind today...
My rainbow: Thanks to a gift card, I got a frozen Mudslide from our local java house! That sucker was good!! (Coffee, chocolate, whipped cream)

What's yours?

Hang on for the ride!

~ Special Momma  ~

Midnight Moon

I wrote this on my Holland blog shortly after Christmas and wanted to share it here.

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The sun has just set. You knew as dusk set in that midnight was coming. Midnight is the darkest time. It's when the shadows are at their biggest, noises are heard the most or when silence rings loudest.

It was under a full moon that Jesus prayed alone in the garden knowing his biggest trial was at hand. He knew midnight, his death was approaching.

Now, we may not be approaching death in the literal sense but how often does a small piece of us die each time we deal with trauma? When our children are in pain and we can't do anything about it? When we know they face surgery yet nothing to stop it? Justified or not, the fear, worry, sadness, insomnia, constant battles, etc. we face? If not dealt with, we eventually die inside. Dying spirituality and or emotionally is often more prolonged and painful then a physical death.


I admit I have been "ill" with spiritual and also emotional "sickness" before. We all have to one extent or another. It doesn't take long for it to fester and get to the point where you sometimes feel like a physical death would be better. During the time of midnight, wandering alone is our biggest tests of faith. The worst is the wandering alone. What will you face ahead? Tragedy, bankruptcy, divorce, etc. The list can go on..... In the journey, there is no GPS, maps or anything. You learn as you go. You learn that at times of despair and heartache that you must go on. There really isn't any other choice.


Traveling over Christmas going back home to Arkansas from Indiana, we were listening to the trial we had of XM radio. On there, one of the messages said, "You cannot worry and have faith in God too. You can't have both. Either you trust or you don't."

OUCH...... That stung me.....

"I'll never know
How much it cost
To see my sin
Upon that cross"


Luke 17:11-19

If you ask God for more then you thank him for, you have a problem.
Always have gratitude. Only one came back in that Bible story. One.

How often do we go through each day REALLY thanking God for what He has done?


The sun did rise and so did Jesus on that first Easter morning. The dawn will come for you as well. In the meantime, when it's midnight, look for the moon and the stars. Those glimmers of light are better seen the darker it is. The next time midnight and our the storm barrels at me, I will hopefully remember the words shared here. It's coming.....


We may feel like a single grain of sand inside this giant planet but each grain of sand put together, can make something beautiful out of glass when melted together.


My storm: Stupid ear infection AGAIN for my daughter! Second one in less then a month.... My son is getting therapy evals.
My rainbow: I don't have to cook dinner tonight! ;)

What's yours?

Blessings!!
~ Special Momma ~

In Christ Alone

One of my favorite worship songs. No matter how bad a day, week, month is, this song reminds me that the war will ultimately be WON! YES!!!! God will WIN the war!

NATALIE GRANT
In Christ Alone Lyrics

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand



That is what I will leave you with today.

My storm: Still no word on neurology...
My rainbow: God IS in control!

What's yours?

Blessings!!
~ Special Momma ~

 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV)
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Lost

11-7-14
 As I wrote it then:

Lost

I could feel you within my heart
but the storms in the night pulled you away from me.
I called out your name but I can't speak above the thunder.
The rain is pouring out, beating upon my ravaged soul.
I reach for you but you aren't there.
I know you are out there but you are far away from me.
I can't feel you beside me now.
Where are you now?
Are you lost, or is it me?
Will I find you again?
I feel alone in the darkness without you.
I know I will see you again but when?
I can barely hear you with you so far.
Are you still in this storm or are you on shore?
If you are looking for me, leave your footprints on the midnight shore.
I may someday find you again.
Are you searching for me?
Can you see the storm tearing me apart at sea?
Will I ever find shore again?
As the night grows darker, the more blind I am.
In faith I step out toward my heart.
I am falling into despair.
The storm is drowning me to the eternal darkness.
To the place where eternal dreams are nightmares.
As I take my last breath I plea to you.
"Save me!" I whispered, as the darkness drowns me.
I look up and you are grasping the hand that is above my head.
I feel you pulling me up from the depths of hell.
I feel your strong grip as you shield me from the storm.
"Where were you Lord when I needed you?"
"I was there, you only had to call out to me."


Inspired from the song Hymn for the Missing by RED
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Thank you Jesus for being our lighthouse!

My storm: I feel exhausted today!
My rainbow: I got a Mountain Dew from one of the guys at our car dealership! :)

Remember this....

~ Special Momma ~

Delayed Bloomer

The trees here have already budded their leaves and are out fully. This one tree has just now started. Delayed bloomer. Yet God made it. How many people deal with delays? I don't mean intellectual delays, though that can fit too, I mean overall. How many delays do we deal with daily? Don't they totally annoy you like they do me?

How often do we feel like God is delaying something for us? Often right? Yet His timing is perfect right? We keep telling ourselves that but do we REALLY believe it? Do we REALLY believe that God has the perfect plan for us despite the delays and storms?

If you are like me, you struggle with that.

Now look at the following pic.

That plant shouldn't even belong there right? It's the only thing growing on this cliff side. Yet it is there. God allowed it to grow there. Why? No idea yet then shouldn't we also bloom where we are planted no matter how delayed we are in blooming or how odd we feel being where God wanted us? Easy? Absolutely not. Yet it's better then growing bitter because we feel we aren't where WE ourselves feel we should be.

So bloom where you are planted. Pray about where God wants you. Easy? No but we must.
 

My storm today: My back is sore. Hoping for answers for my son tomorrow...
My Rainbow: Beautiful day outside!

What's yours?


Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~

Beauty from ashes

As I talked about yesterday, many times what we see, want, think burns down. We are going along with our plans, our lives then BOOM! It crashes upon us. It crushes us and causes us pain. When we face the storms, what is left is the ashes. What is left has to be rebuilt but it won't be the same.We must rise up and find the beauty from the ashes.

The truth is, suffering is a universal human experience, it is not dependent on a diagnosis. We are all broken people living in a broken world. None of us are exempt from suffering.
~ Ellen Stumbo ~

"When the storm passes and the sun shines again, it's clear to see the damage. The heartache truly sets in as we begin a new journey."
~ Susan Guy ~

Yet sometimes what does get rebuilt, the new journey becomes better then what we had before. Often what gets rebuilt, we see the blessings in that too. We are never the same but we do change.

My first pregnancy went well. I never dreamed or imagined that we would begin a life of medical appointments and surgeries. That reality didn't sink in till we got the first official diagnosis when she was three months old. My next two pregnancies I was more aware. When I miscarried, I went through the grief of it. The day my angel would have been due, I found out I was pregnant with my son. The whole pregnancy I wanted to enjoy but couldn't totally because of the fears of another loss. The miscarriage changed me. Yet on the flip side, it made me more grateful and more willing to enjoy the little things. Beauty from the ashes.

The day my childrens' pediatrician confirmed the craniofacial with my son, I had to find the beauty in the ashes. And I have. His laugh is contagious and he flirts with everyone. That's just the start. When I found out he has Chiari Malformation, I had to find the beauty in that. I am honestly still trying for that one..... Yet I have no regrets. I do not! My children no matter what are worth it. God gave me my two gems and they will indeed shine as God allows them to and they are willing to.

Those who know who my children are, know they are special gems. Literally.

No matter how dark the storm, crash, trial, etc is, beauty, the rainbow, light, etc can always be found. Even if it's just a sliver, it is still there. God uses these storms to help us grow in our faith.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Waiting
Abiding
In
Trust!
W-A-I-T

Always remember this on your journey as well. It's not always easy, that's for sure....

My storm today: Still waiting to know what's next for my son....
My rainbow today: Caffeine! ;)

~ Special Momma ~

Crashing

"But rains pour down upon us, storm clouds darken the skies and we get lost in the storm. Have you been there? Wandering in the darkness, crying out only to be greeted with utter silence?"
~ Lesley Hitchens ~

When I was pregnant with my son, there was some speculation to if he would have the same craniofacial issues that my daughter does. The marker given would be the Brachycephaly. He was due July 4th but arrived June 13th after labor started via c-section thanks to him being breech. My OB teased about him being a butthole baby because he decided to try to come butt first the last second. lol When he came out and soon after started crying, I cried. I had a miscarriage (March 19th, 2013 no heartbeat) before him and on what would have been my angel's due date, that was the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. My rainbow after the storm, my rainbow baby. My OB followed me in both pregnancies and was the most supportive of our decisions. If we ever have anymore children, I will keep using him. We had someone else for my pregnancy with my daughter though the OB I had after is the one who delivered my daughter.

Anyway,

When my son was born, they said likely craniofacial. Before breakfast the following morning, the pediatrician walked in and confirmed it. My hormones helped nothing....I cried. I cried because I hurt from the cesarean, I cried because I was honestly mad at God for allowing my son to have to face the same as my daughter and honestly, I cried because I blamed myself for it. The nurse who was on duty that day held me as I cried. She soothed me as I just let it all out. Then she got me pain meds.

Soon after I got this card with my breakfast.

I knew there would be a chance but that moment with the pediatrician, my world crashed all over again. Many times since my daughter's first diagnosis, we have dealt with crashes in one way or another. During those times, I know I have not handled them the best way possible. Who really does? I had times of yelling at God to cursing myself for not being good enough to thinking that what my children have to go through was my own atonement, God punishing me. Both of my children have more then the primary diagnosis. I still struggle to not figure it all out. Figure out the why's and who to blame, which usually our nature is to blame God.

Many times we have had to face the ashes of what we thought we would have, could have, should have had. We have built our dreams, our wishes, our wants but then it burns down and all that remains is charred dreams and ashes. Beauty can come from ashes though. We expected Italy eight years ago and got Holland. Now we have two in Holland. Beauty from ashes. I will post about that tomorrow. 

Stay tuned.
"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be."
Joan Ryan, The Water Giver: The Story of a Mother, a Son and Their Second Chance
Broken Hallelujah......

My storm today: I'm tired... I want details on some stuff already...
My rainbow today: Chocolate! :)

What's yours?

Blessings!!
~ Special Momma ~