I call this blog Rainbow in the Storm, yet there are days the rainbows are hard to find, and even sometimes you can't. Yet there are always blessings to be found, somewhere.
I was told last night by a few dear ladies that perhaps why there is so much struggle in what I presented yesterday is because I am too strong, bold, outspoken and always ready for battle. Good qualities but likely overwhelming and intimidating for most. Is that why most of what I write I face criticism for when it comes to faith? Because of that and that I tell it like it is, smelling good or not? I'm too brash and not soft enough for those who get feelings hurt easily?
Everything's fine or so I pretend. That's what the world says to do, I refuse. When everything is not fine, I say something, liked or not.
Is that what it's all about? I have always been hard to handle, I'll admit that but I also don't go down without a fight. Everyone who knows me or has read my stuff knows that.
Dear heart ,
Can you love back those who love you?
Can you stop caring about the ones who left?
Who don't care?
Who won't come back?
Is it that I'm just simply not finding contentment in where I am? (Not pertaining to my kids or husband, just ME.) I have always been a warrior. Sometimes I think if a past life existed, I would have been Xena or something, because I'm always geared for battle, with something or someone. I think that's why I'm such a good advocate for my kids.
Maybe everyone thinks I look like this and that's why. lol
We were asked in our Bible Study last night a few questions and in our small groups we talked about them. I wish now I could remember all the questions asked but it pertained to how we are serving, if we are and where. One was if we could serve anywhere without limitations, where would we serve?
I would want to serve those moms who are overwhelmed and don't feel welcomed in society due to either just people being judgmental or more specifically to the moms who have children with special needs of any sort who just don't feel like they have a place anywhere. I am that mother. Maybe it's just that I don't see it and everyone else does or really there is truth to it.
It's always been a struggle.... I have been told that I should step out more, talk to others more, put myself out there. Yet so often when I do, I'm brushed off or ignored. For so long I was so that's also why it's hard now for me to even try. Even now it still happens. How do I do that when I already feel devalued, underappreciated and uncared/unloved by many? Oh we have some who have been fantastic and I know they really do care for us as a family. I won't name names as I know they wouldn't want that but there are a few. Yet why can't I see beyond?
Then it dawned on me this morning:
It's hard to be understood when you know so few are willing to even try to understand.
I serve and/or am a part of quite a bit in the ministry and community band. Probably to the point of being too thinned out yet don't feel appreciated, or honestly valued in much of that ..... My own fault maybe but the way it is. In some of it, I feel like I'm purposely left out of stuff and my family is priority so I don't do as much as I probably should in that yet I am always there when asked. Perhaps not where my heart should be but I'm just being honest.
Facebook, oh Facebook is a blessing but sometimes so evil. I wouldn't be able to share the journey with other families without it. Especially with all I have been able to learn over the years to better help my children and know better how to be ready for battle. Yet Facebook is evil also in the sense that it doesn't help many either. It does and doesn't. You see, Facebook is a platform that the user shows only what they want the world to see. Reality or not. It is also the platform where the world sees who matters to everyone and who doesn't. And don't start me on the political and religious stuff either.
Facebook is used where people can show off their friends, vacations, family, money, etc. Some use it to be real and show what life really is for them, each season, each day, etc. I was that. I was one to keep it real. Now not so much. Nobody wants to hear reality, they want fantasy.
You can't get through life thinking it's just a fantasy. That's pathetic and unrealistic.
Yet for many, Facebook increases isolation. Facebook shows many where they really are in the social standing of their communities, both literal location and cyber neighborhoods. Think on that. Oh and better not be too outspoken on there or else you are breaching sacred rules. Many of those I'm "friends" with have unfollowed me and many over the years have unfriended/blocked me. I have a relative in fact who has friended me and unfriended me twice now and wants to be friends again. Not doing it. Take all of me or leave all of me.
Yet then why also do many, especially those like me, have more of a social life online than in real life? And when you do try to do it in real life, you are brushed off?
Do people look at me and see this? Is that why?
I'm being kinda funny yet serious. Do I walk into IEP meetings, appointments, church, MOPS, Bible Studies, etc looking like this or the other one to everyone? I don't see that when I look in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, I see me, a mom of two great kids, a wife to a loving and patient husband and honestly blessed. Yet then why do I also see the exhaustion, frustration, pain and isolation that I feel over what life is? I have been asked why I am always on guard, ready for a battle. Always being ready for battle of itself is exhausting yet earlier today proved I have no choice...... I live in a world where from day to day it's not as much a battle of life and death, thankfully but it is a matter of preservation and the ability to preserve the services and care my children have day in and day out. That is the daily battle. Yes, there are surgery days, appointments, MRI's, IEP/IPP/IFSP meetings, therapies and those meetings, etc. That just adds to it.
Like a soldier in war, they have to be equipped in gear, ammo and weapons at all times, even in sleep so when the call comes in to go into battle, they are ready anytime. That is the life for many of us, to one degree or another. Some would rate it on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being most critical but many of us who have children that have special needs are warriors just like our children....... So often though, we feel and react to the pain and stress worse than they do......
"I figured the best way to ward off bad experiences was to come in with guns loaded, ready to shoot down enemies and arguments, armed with an answer for every possible scenario. Carrying all that ammunition took its toll on me." From HERE
Read the other day and today it proves true yet again as I shared a bit ago.....
Is this really what life is? Constant battles for any sort of standing in society and with God?
Speaking of God, soon in Celebrate Recovery I will be doing my personal inventory. I know that list will be very long..... Most have been dealt with but not all..... I'll be candid, perhaps too bold and say that yes I am a believer, yes I know Jesus died for someone like me but I struggle with why. Why for me? Why if I have this faith do I struggle so much still with the "why's" of life and with having faith in the future of my family. I would rather suffer than have my husband or my children. I grew up surviving a lot when in all reality, I should be dead or in prison by now yet am not.
Why? Don't just tell me God's grace, I want more than that. I want solid reasons, not just something said to appease masses. Yeah often I think that God is in Heaven shaking his head at me and his head in his hands but still..... lol
Honestly, I want more solid answers than just God's grace, sin in this world, God's plan, etc. type answers. Yeah, that may be the best I get but I want more. "You are a social outcast because of _____" not just because "God put you there for a reason." That type of thing. Also how do we truly love and accept others as we SHOULD with grace YET make sure that we don't allow ourselves to be doormats, used, abused, etc.
I also said yesterday:
"I never have fit in anywhere, yet maybe not fitting in means you are meant to stand out.
But where to stand out or share my presence at? Most where I do, I am not appreciated, loved or even acknowledged. It's something I have always struggled with off and on all my life...... I feel more at home at the Ronald McDonald House in Dallas than most anywhere (Beyond my own house of course)"
I remarked on that last night in my ladies group. It was brought up to me that maybe I have been called to go beyond blogging and advocating just for my kids. Maybe either within my church, my community or possibly changing all of that entirely, that I should start and coordinate a MOPS themed like group for JUST moms who have children with special needs. Mental or physical. Not keep it exclusive to all pre-k either, Pregnancy through even adult children. The idea I got thinking on last night was IF it gets enough and big enough, do a large group where we do potluck, devotional and a craft/discussion then break off into smaller groups geared toward our children's ages (developmentally or physically) and have small group discussions.
A LOT to think on with that.
No matter how dark anytime in life gets, I also agree with the next one but will also add that light will come again.
When it comes to me: Be all in or get out. There is no half-way when it comes to one who says they will be committed to you, your cause, your family, etc. Nothing honestly grates me more than those who say, "Yeah, I'm your friend, thick and thin, no matter what." 99.9% of them don't mean that.... Cynical but tell me that's a lie.....
I see that all the time from people too.... When either I'm too tough to handle or our story is too hard to handle they flee. Most just ignore me or make up excuses. Hence, being a hermit hurts less because then you don't have to face that...... Not the right way but it is a way......
So all of that to say that by the time this life is over and I face my judgment day, I have times where I wonder if God will say I got anything right in whatever years I have here yet when that day comes, I want and hope to say that I may have failed with everything but I have not with my husband and kids..... I hope I at least have that right......
~ Special Momma ~
Part 3, the final one to come soon.
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