Through the blackest night, morning gently tiptoes, feeling its way to dawn.
~Robert Brault
Ever feel like your journey feels like an eternal winding road? Sometimes when you look back you can see the mountains and valleys behind you and know what they were from or when. Yet even though it's the past, it's still with you. Think on it enough and you sometimes wonder how things would be had you chosen a different direction at each fork in the road then what you did. Yet also imagining life had you done that and how different it would be from what reality is. That's where my thoughts are. Not that I have regrets in this journey (Though there are some.....) it's just I wonder sometimes where would we be? Yet it also makes me see the path ahead and it's like it's fog covered.....
Grief we often think of death but not always.
I heard the story about a 12 year old girl who died recently. I can't get her out of my head..... Her story hits way too close to home.. I heard about it on Facebook. She was fine one day and then within a short time, she was gone. Chiari is a silent monster..... Yet her chiari was "mild" too like my son's is.... I keep thinking about my son's central apnea and fearing the worst that one day I'll wake up and he won't..... I know how paranoid it sounds but I'll say this: That is one monster I fight. Just one of them. I fight to silence it, to tame it. To keep it quiet because many of us have the same fear, the same nightmare. Yet for this family, it's no longer a nightmare. It's a reality..... It hits close to home for many..... Devastating it is.... Yet as my mentor mom showed me, she had 12 years. Yet her story continues to have a ripple effect.
Death we see as the finale. The end. Al Fine. Yet it is really just the beginning. For those that pass, eternity is just starting. Those of us left behind grieve but also remember. In the loss if this precious child, her story has gone viral and more are learning about the silent beast named, Chiari. She has gone viral, even through her loss, her family's tragedy...... Death isn't in vain but if we live without living, loving, forgiving, cherishing, laughter, and more, then we ourselves have already died inside.
“Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.
You see, all is well.”
~St. Augustine ~
I saw that poem on Mommies of Miracles this morning. You walk the journey thinking that "Yeah, my child(ren) have some issues but overall things are okay so nothing this drastic will happen." Then it does to someone.... It goes to prove that none of us know how long we all have left.
Our pastor Sunday was preaching about facing death. We all grieve for those lost here. Yet we set our sights to the future. We don't look back to our best days, we look forward. Live on Forever is a totally favorite song. We will someday have new bodies. I hope mine is a size 8 again without all the flaws. ;) My daughter asked me recently if P.O.D and Sonny Sandoval will be "rocking out" in heaven. "But mom, Colton asked if the angels would do We Will Rock You so P.O.D can be in Heaven too right?" (Heaven is for real)
Our pastor and I got a good chuckle out of that. My daughter has met and hung out with P.O.D twice now. They stayed updated on her during her last surgery and the issues before and after.... She talks about them all the time still. Good within the bad.
In all seriousness....
Grief also hits in other ways. We grieve what "Could have been" "Should have been" "If only...." "What if....." "Why me?"
Oh my word, the list can go on and on.....
You notice most of the time when thoughts flood your mind, it's at night and or really early in the morning when everyone else is sleeping? It is also at night that you also think of how far you have come and too how far there is to go..... Though I also remember that it is at night that the stars shine through the darkness and into us. It is also at night that more often then not, there are others on their own journeys that are looking at the moon and the same stars as you. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with thankfulness and sometimes with sadness and other times being overwhelmed. We still look to the sky with at least a little hope that no matter how good or bad, we still have some hope in better times ahead
The journey so often leaves bruises, scars and other marks upon us. Yet those marks define us, they mold us and they make us. It's our survival marks I call them. It proves we survived whatever tried to beat us.
We can get so caught up in grief and anger over what is or what isn't. Really..... We can't stay in that though.....
When we were growing up, we didn't imagine parenthood like this. We imagined a handsome/gorgeous spouse, two or three kids, big house, fancy car, etc. Life like the Jones's. As we got older, our realities and fantasies changed. I didn't dream that I would get children with medical issues. However, nights like last night (Not after my son went to bed and cried off and on till midnight....) but before that.
Watching my two children chase each other laughing and giggling. My not quite two year old son running up to me looking up so I would tickle his neck and run off giggling just to come back for more.
Soon after my son's first surgery, seeing my two holding each other. Cherishing a memory. Not dwelling on what was just done but on who is there.
Go out and makes dreams and wishes happen. Even if they seem impossible... The answer is no till you try.
To my children:
"If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls,
I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs,"
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed,"
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith,"
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river,"
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering,"
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change,"
I still would have chosen you...
Of course, even though I would have chosen you,I know it was God who chose me for you."
-Terri Banish
"Hope is the anchor of the soul."
~ Unknown ~
Hold onto HOPE.... No matter what happens..... Never lose HOPE.
Love,
~ Special Momma ~
Jesus Calling:
"Leave outcomes up to me. Follow Me where I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out. Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion. Live in the now concentrating on staying in step with Me. When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help. When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence. Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to me.
You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.
Psalm 27:13
Exodus 15:13"
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