Love

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"If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor." - John 12:26


Mark 12:28-31
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Love God, love others! Treat others as you want to be treated.

Simple to understand, right? Not always easy to do.

Jesus was not only the example but we were also given the power to obey that command. Yet we often don't, or at least don't without agendas or motives.

Case and point: who is easier to love and or see in a positive light?

The rich, generous contributor to a charity OR a homeless beggar by the interstate ramp?
The Bible study leader in your church or the youth in your church who just came out as gay?
The mom who has it all together and always has good answers or the mom who is frazzled, looks unkempt and has a potty mouth sometimes? The rich business owner or the immigrant who can only speak Spanish?

Yet too often this is what many humans do......

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Yet if you refuse to help others because they somehow deserved what they got, then why should anyone help you? Same mindset right? You put yourself in that mess so why? Oh wait, don't like that now so much huh?

“The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world.”
― Paul Farmer

We are called to love the lost, love those in our churches, communities, prisons, schools, those in our home, everywhere. Loving our neighbors means we show love to anyone and everyone, no matter what their sins are. No matter their past. No matter their lifestyle. No matter if they get any government assistance or not. No matter their political vote. No matter pro-life or pro-choice. Grace saved us, so why can't we show grace?

Tough pill to swallow sometimes but God loves us first, even with our past sins, present sins and future sins.

So should we..... However that would not absolve us or them of consequences. Just because they and you face consequences for decisions made, that does not mean that we should not be loved and love others both before, during and after.


When churches spend so much time preaching about who shouldn't be among them, it ostracizes everyone.

We have gotten to the point in modern churches now where divorce and remarriage is overlooked yet someone who doesn't dress, look or have the same social status as others in the pews gets more judged, we have a problem. When we are okay with reading Fifty Shades of Gray but complain about how our children dress, we have a problem. When we turn the other cheek to bullying or worse, encourage our children to be mean, we have a problem. When we are okay with leaving people out in the cold (or heat) because they "don't belong" than we are no better than the rest of the world, and in fact worse.
Someone I know recently got sent an anonymous letter saying  he was "loving people straight to hell" because he shows love to sinners. Um..... Isn't that what Jesus did? Show love to sinners? They were being loved straight to hell too till Jesus forgave them. I think they forget what Jesus had done during his ministry years and most especially why he was on the cross! Seesh..... At  least that person is bringing Christ to those who most would otherwise wash their hands of..... Many have washed their hands of me yet I'm better for it. People can disagree or agree with the choices others make without spewing hate about it....
Is it any wonder so many take the wide gate? Why should those who see Christians be like this to others, want to be a part of that? Why would they want to follow Jesus when they see those who say they follow Christ, treat their neighbors like that?

So let's talk more about this. Recently there has been a photo all over the news of a father and daughter who drowned in the Rio Grande...... The comments I have seen and heard have been polarized. Either sympathy or disregard. People who feel sorry for the family or those who say they should have never come anyway so they deserved death. No joke..... Go onto social media and see the comment sections....

What's going on at these camps is incomprehensible and a pathetic example of what we should be. Yet if the example of how this country and many of its citizens are okay with how the homeless, poor, veterans, and "outcasts" get treated, this sadly isn't surprising to see in what should be the largest "Christian" nation in the world!

Yet the flip side is how do we honestly help? This country can't even help itself, let alone others. Prayer is one way but prayer isn't the answer alone.

Praying about something you know needs intervention somehow is simply having the ability to say you "did something" when in reality you want someone or something else to do the work.

Seriously!!


So now what? Just let the media continue to outrage us, desensitize us and then we justify that we can't do anything about anything going on in the world so why bother? "Thoughts and prayers" mentality only?

Did the Bible say "Just pray and let someone else do that" or not? NO! The Bible said to GO AND DO the will of God.

So is God's will for those to suffer? To be homeless? To be abused? To have medical diagnoses that need to be treated? Invisible illness? Mental illness? To be thrown into camps just to be treated worse than those in prison? To be ostracized simply because they don't fit into a cookie cutter clique?


No. However, we have let the following become the norm, and it shouldn't be.


"We are all socialized into systems that oppress.

We learn to accept oppression as normal.

We are born into a social system which teaches us to accept things as they are.

We are rewarded for accepting things as they are.

We are congratulated for accepting things as they are.

We become “model members of society” when we accept things as they are.

We gain comfort, money, connections and power when we accept things as they are. People who go against the grain, pay the price.

I know [there’s] a tiny voice deep in your heart is saying “I do not oppress people.”

That might be true, you may not actively oppress others- but here is the reality- oppression is still happening, because this cycle and the systems they support continue to run uninterrupted.

Oppression is the norm, not the exception.

Justice is the exception, not the norm.

Institutions influence individuals and individuals influence institutions.

This process is pervasive, consistent, circular, self-perpetuating, and invisible.

The simplest thing to do is nothing.

But we have failed to realize that we have become participants in our own oppression by doing nothing.

Will you take responsibility for the oppression that continues? Will you stand up and confront the systems, rules, and norms?

How, where, and when you confront injustice is irrelevant, as long as you do it.

You and I are responsible for interrupting oppression. We are responsible for dismantling it. We are responsible for creating new systems and ways to share social power.

Society will not transform itself. We have to break the chains.

We all have to pay the price, so that can happen.

Let’s get to work y’all, because freedom ain’t free."

~ Desiree Adaway ~

Let's quit being a buffet where people pick and choose what they want to heed and not heed and take this as a full course meal as it should be. No more scraps for those "less than worthy" lest you take the scraps and those "less than worthy" get the full meal.

Matthew 25:31-46
The Sheep and the Goats

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”


Let's do something. Let's get over ourselves, talk to people and do something. Walk the walk.

~ Special Momma ~

Marathon Training - Frustrations

So many peaks and valleys in this training journey. Today it's a valley of frustration and impatience. Yeah I admit it..... You've been warned, this post isn't sunshine.... 

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I didn't expect to be participating in this coming weekend's 5k but I am!

YEAH!!

I'm not pushing my son though because I'm not taking him from the one who is. I'll be in the 5k and he'll ride in the 10k. At least this one is a free event for Ainsley's Angels athletes. Hopefully I'll finish before he does. I'm mostly walking this one..... Though I hoped to be doing more running by now.

Part of my mood though is this: Why does everything have to be about money as a start? Everything is always too expensive despite doing the best I can with what I have. Right, I should have thought about that before doing this right? Yeah I got told that. I shouldn't bother asking about his chariot because that's being a lazy leech and I either need to get it myself or quit doing this till I can and then maybe pick it back up. None of this was said by my spouse by the way. 

What happened to supporting others around us? Oh wait, asking for help isn't allowed right? Because anyone who needs help is just lazy and or incapable of doing it themselves? Or does that just apply to me and nobody else around? Double standards much? What happened to community?

Why can't I just get my right lower side to quit being a jerk? Blisters which aren't a huge issue yet still annoying to knee twinges/slight pain once in a while with my fears of a flareup again, like it's kinda hurting tonight (I blame the weather!) to like stretched occasional thigh pain at the tendon inside the right one (just aches. No injury) I had forgotten I had injured that right knee as part of a job hazard back in 2005. So why all the problems now? Why simply did it decide to start just from going under a tree? Because I'm much more mobile than I have been in honestly years?

Why can't I run much of anything yet? Oh wow a whole 10th of a mile max! What about the 5k?

I know I'm fat and overweight but holy crap, can't I just be decent at this yet?

I've lost about 10 pounds. Yeay! Yet then there's the cost of replacing jeans soon. Yeay, more money spent....

Two events a year where I've already heard groans at how much. 30+80 for the two roughly. If I hear about being a registered athlete pushing my son at only two events then I'm even more glad others will push him with the other ones as I'm sidelined due to costs. Yet then what's the point in all of this? Is all of it really worth all of this training if in the end it's going to be "too expensive for our budget" anyway?? Still better than even a few months of a gym!!! If I really wanted, I could just do the gym membership and do weight training with the treadmills without having to worry about weather at all! Yet I don't because of cost. I got leggings on $3 clearance for this. I got shorts secondhand at Savers. All to keep costs down. I got my shoes on clearance even!

Yet I'm a lazy leech who mooches off my spouse. Get real!

Yet the whole intent honestly for this was so I could push my son at events. He wants me to! Also so I could honestly also get healthier. So why the struggles with it?

Why the struggle to take it up a notch?
Why the struggle with my old, fat joints? Just the one knee even!! That's the only problem!!!
Why the struggle over costs when I'm trying to do this as inexpensively as I can do it?
Why the struggle to get to the point of running much of anything? Am I just doomed to walk and then finish last at any of these?
Is all of this in vain anyway?
Why does everything always boil down to money?


I'm training pretty much on my own doing the best with what I can do and can get yet it's just not good enough seems like.... Worse, I get told/reminded that yet again I'm not good enough. Just for asking for help or something that will help me in doing this.

If the critics wanna step up/in helping me do better than by all means keep talking, otherwise shut up already.

Today would make six completed weeks of training done with tomorrow being the start of week seven. (My math was wrong apparently!)

So why can't I just get better at all of this?
Can't I actually run yet without dying at 1/10th of a mile and or my knee threatening to be a jerk?


I blame it on being Monday......  My knee especially but also Monday along with the doubters/haters can just do this.

Thank you to all of those who have stood by me with this. Audra especially. I owe you a million times over!

~ Special Momma ~

Marathon Training - Phoenix Rising

Okay I'm not Jean Grey either. haha Having her powers as Jean Grey would be nice sometimes but I would not want her battle with Phoenix as well.

I saw where someone had shared an attempted suicide scar and wanted to know what to do with it as a way to remind herself what she had overcome. Someone mentioned a Phoenix as a way to show how she had risen from the ashes of what was to where she is now.

I loved that idea.

The Phoenix. They rise from their own ashes and they represent rebirth. The Phoenix is rising transformed and transmuted out of the flames of destruction. The Phoenix comes out of being trapped within and flies.

via GIPHY

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There's one song with Audiomachine called Phoenix Rising as well. It's a favorite! As you can probably guess I'm listening to that while writing. Music while writing feeds me.

The Phoenix is rising out from within me. It's amazing what honestly this training has been doing for me. Seriously!

You see these scars? Yeah my legs are covered in them. Age shows too.

 

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I've thought about getting something done on both to signify what those scars told, what created them, and I don't mean the blade that did, but where I was. The darkest pit I had ever been in. Yet the years it took to climb out of that. To continue overcoming. To learn that giving up would mean those who hurt me would win. To learn that I am worth something. To learn that I could be loved. To learn that these battle scars would help me to handle the battle of the medical world. To battle the training I'm also in now.

Those who abused me did not win. The ones who should have loved me the most and didn't, did not destroy me. The depression at 11-14 did not win. The suicide attempt at 12 did not win. Ultimately that credit goes to God. The continued desire for death till summer of  turning 14 did not win. Marching band saved me first. It really did. To know what I was a part of and that the show would not do as well without even me in it meant something. I may have sucked at playing and marching that first year but we took State anyway. I accepted Christ days before this.

At the time I accepted Christ, I had the thought that it would automatically get better. Easier. I'd just stop the potty mouth I had, The hate in my heart for myself but also all who had hurt me. The mind war. It wasn't that simple. It's been a slow road. A lot of mountains and valleys to climb up and down. Good but a lot of not good in all of it. Just being real.

Salvation is amazing. Salvation brings my forever home. Yet salvation isn't an "get out of the jail of life" card either. We gotta keep working. Keep striving to heal. To go forward, even if it's just centimeters a day vs miles a day. Celebrate your Recovery from whatever still stands in our way.

Anger, anxiety and control issues are my current ones. (I get my four year chip this fall!)

Even now I still struggle with the consequences of my son's epilepsy and encephalomalacia and what it all means later. Would he be where he is now in needing as much support come kindergarten if what caused both had been handled properly in the first place? What was my part in that? Where did I fail? Was that a battle lost because I didn't outcry over the wait loud enough?

Overall I have gone quiet. Been quiet for close to a year now. I've mostly enjoyed it. I got quiet because I was tired of the hurt from others and honestly I had to regroup from the new diagnoses in the medical world... Been much better since starting training over six weeks ago now. My heart and mind were too dark a little while before that..... I've mostly enjoyed the time training now. Lets me outdoors, losing weight, toning up and know it's for a good cause.
Yet to go out there and have my goal to keep him in inclusion by joining the cause with Ainsley's Angels brings victory. That even though I couldn't stop what has happened, those ashes can still be turned into something good.

(May I also remember that the next MRI and whatnot that comes.....)

Sharing about inclusion, what Ainsley's Angels does and allow the joy on the riders faces to warm us up too, no matter what life has done to us.... Little did I know what my son's simple request during the half-marathon April 6th would do......

Nearly seven weeks later and I've lost near 10 pounds. People are noticing that what I'm doing is paying off. May what I'm doing help others too..... As a friend said to me a couple days ago "I’m always amazed to hear what you have endured. You certainly are changing the script for not just your kids. Others are seeing and reading and changing even if they don’t say anything. Ripples are turning into waves."
Almost seven weeks of training now and today I began some running intervals in the walking. My fastest pace time walking I am at 14:40 per mile. I achieved that early this week. Today I began some interval running and my best distance with the running part was a tenth of a mile. Yeah..... I see that as lame honestly.....

BUT I did find some humor with it today.
In the voice of Jeff Foxworthy, "I can walk half-marathons three times in the almost seven weeks of training I've done but I can't run a tenth mile without dyin!" 🤣🤷

Yet the day I finish the 5k in a few months, it'll be another victory. Regardless of if I walk some of it or run all of it. It'll be a victory. When I finish a half-marathon in March it'll be a victory. I've already gotten a half-marathon distance done three times so far and my shortest time was just over four hours.

I can't wait to push my son with Ainsley's Angels and come out the finish line with victory! As long as I don't finish last....... Even if we don't get his chariot, I pray I find a way to always be able to keep training, even when he's with me because he is the inspiration. Ainsley's Angels may be the resource but my son is the inspiration. 

So much of the training has brought so much out. As a friend said, layer after layer just starts coming off. Sweat out all the crap that doesn't belong and in with the new. It doesn't change the challenges ahead but at least I feel like I'm actually achieving something that benefits more than just us here. Where I feel like I have value again beyond just having to fight battles over and over again.

Yet it's bought more courage and strength than I thought it would.  Seriously!!!


To come from the lowest I was at near 13 and ready to die, hoping God or whatever would just take me in my sleep, to trying to kill myself to where I am now twenty some years later is crazy. I have had to learn so much the hard way. Yet I have done it. I have been mostly alone in the war yet I have done it. I'm continuing to do it. The war will eventually be won. Yet I am no longer silent.

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I talk freely when the time is needed now. I don't care who I offend or upset.

Silence was my enemy then. People were my enemy then. Not anymore.
Many may hate me or wish to silence me for being so outspoken about so much stuff now but that's why. Never again. Never again will silence and being quiet win. Never again will it.
I don't care what the topic is, silence wins nothing.
Sitting back and doing nothing wins nothing.
Refusing to let others be heard wins nothing.
Spewing hate at others because they see things differently wins nothing.


I'm thankful that my children have a better relationship and foundation with me than I ever did any anyone growing up. For all the things I do wrong, I know I'm doing better than what was ever shown to me.

With that in mind, keep this in mind as well.

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The Phoenix is here and she is not going anywhere. The Phoenix has risen from ashes to soar above the world. The birth of the Phoenix was difficult but she is here. She is not cowering or sitting in silence ever again. She will declare victory. The war with many battles will not be easy to win but victory will ultimately prevail!

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~ Special Momma ~

Thoughts on a hot button topic

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I read a blog post the other night that really had me thinking about baby loss and where I stand on that. I will do my best to not get political here but this will talk about pro-life vs pro-choice. No I will not get detailed on abortion procedures or all of that. That's not for here. I can't do that...... This post will talk about statistics, baby loss, how people get treated regarding and will share my story.

You've been warned....

That blog post was about a pastor who has experienced the loss of a baby but had to make a really hard decision about it. You see, the baby they expected had a heartbeat, it moved, but "We were told that although our baby seemed to have healthy organs, there was nothing to contain those organs. Surgery was not an option. Our baby will certainly die during the birthing process."

Their sweet child had no chance to survive either way.... Birth would certainly have been more traumatic for both the family and the baby.

To be in that position, to know your child is alive and moving yet to face news like that is traumatic. It's hard. It's ugly and it's very difficult both emotionally and spiritually.

These were the options for this family and others who have had similar. "One option was to do nothing but wait until the pregnancy reaches full term and the baby is able to be born naturally or by C-section. However, because of the severity of the defect, we would be unable to hold our dead child, and may not want to see him or her. Our baby’s remains would be immediately prepared for a funeral service.

The second option was to terminate the pregnancy immediately. However, if we chose this option, it would be considered an abortion, and due to the political climate of the day, there was only one hospital in the state of Georgia which would perform an abortion this late in the pregnancy. He said that we could go to several clinics, but we may have to endure picket signs and possibly hecklers from religious groups opposed to abortion. The thought of my wife, who was still wiping tears from her eyes, being called a “murderer” or a “baby killer” by people claiming to follow Jesus, people who had no idea who we were, or what we were going through, made me furious. We were also told that although our child had a strong heartbeat, because of politics, for the record they would state that our child had “no viable heartbeat.”

Although the second option sounded dishonest, even illegal, it was obvious to us that it was the best, most compassionate option. I could not imagine Lori waiting three more months, feeling the baby move and kick, feeling another life inside of her, all the while knowing that this life will never have a chance. We scheduled an appointment for a procedure to end the pregnancy two days later."

He ended his post by saying this: "Life is not easy. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. Sometimes the solutions are not black and white. Sometimes those decisions are not between a clear good and a clear evil. Sometimes we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils. I want to live in a country where I am free to prayerfully make such difficult choices, especially choices that are so personal in nature, without any interference from the government."

Just imagine how much harder the healing would have been had they not been able to do this.... There are cases where I believe an abortion would be more humane.... It also depends on the type of procedure.

Yeah I said it. Judge me, go ahead. In a case like this, how would it be any different than a dog being euthanized because it has cancer or something else serious? Don't tell me that it's "just a dog so no comparison" either. I'm serious. What's really worse sometimes?

I am not saying I am pro-choice strictly either. In most situations I am against abortion. Yes, even in cases of disability most of the time. Part of it is my religious beliefs. Part of it stems from being told so much as a kid that I should have been aborted, I was worthless, I was worth poop, and so much more, I refused to believe in that being a cause to abort. I have a few other reasons overall as well. However, just because I am pro-life in most cases, that doesn't give me the right to judge and hold picket signs against those who have had an abortion.

That's just my feelings though. Yet what else would you have done in the story shared a bit ago? I can't blame them for going the way chosen......

Here are some statistics on why abortions are done.

According to the NIH, most abortions are done due to either relationship or financial reasons.......

• Not financially prepared: 40 percent
• Bad timing, not ready, or unplanned: 36 percent
• Partner-related reasons (including the relationship is bad or new, she doesn't want to be a single mother, her partner is not supportive, does not want the baby, is abusive, or is the wrong guy): 31 percent
• Need to focus on her other children: 29 percent
• Not emotionally or mentally prepared: 19 percent
• Interferes with educational or vocational plans: 20 percent
• Health-related reasons (includes concern for her own health, the health of the fetus, use of prescription or non-prescription drugs, alcohol, or tobacco): 12 percent
• Want a better life for a baby than she could provide: 12 percent
• Not independent or mature enough for a baby: 7 percent
• Influences from family or friends: 5 percent
• Doesn't want a baby or to place the baby for adoption: 4 percent
• Partner-related issues: 31 percent

As the pastor said as well however, not everything is black and white. So much goes into decisions that have to be made and there is never always an easy decision in matters like what they faced. I'll go more into that shortly but first I want to share our story.

A friend got me this after my baby loss.
It's a memorial ring.
Aquamarine is the birthstone.
I have hardly taken this off since 2013.

I am one in four who lost one early. Went for the first ultrasound and no heartbeat.  Silence......  First thing a family member said was "The Muenke was too strong in that one." A craniofacial syndrome had nothing to do with it. The HGC counts were falling as confirmation.  Thankfully when I had the D&C done at the surgery center there were no protesters but my mind was the worst one...... I chose the D&C because I didn't have the heart to have the inevitable happen at home.... Seeing "abortion" on the EOB was worse. I felt like I was a murderer or at least that my defective body was. It was hard..... 3-19-13 will always be in my memory......

Other than "I'm sorry" the other question I heard more than once was "what did you do to cause it?"

Absolutely nothing!

The other common thing I heard was "It was just a miscarriage. A bundle of cells not even looking human yet. What's the big deal?" Or "Well at least you lost it early instead of as a stillborn or it being so defective at birth that it was a toll on you and society."

No joke.... IT WAS A HUMAN!!! People who told me this stuff were people in the church...... Honest...... It stung too. That child would have been a living, breathing being just like anyone reading this is. That child, that "blob of cells" meant something to me. I was told those things by those who were pro-life......

Yet for weeks after, I listened to Hymn for the Missing by RED.

"Hymn For The Missing"

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

RED's new album had come out about the same time so Hold Me Now was also played a lot during that time. (This is the official video but redone by someone else. I couldn't find the one RED put up.)

"Hold Me Now"

Fall asleep to dreams of home,
Where the waves are crashing.
The only place I've ever known,
Now the future has me.
I see the fire in the sky,
See it all around me.
I said the past is dead, the life I had is gone.
Said I won't give up,
Until I see the sun

Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.

Waking up and letting go,
To the sound of angels.
Am I alive or just a ghost?
Haunted by my sorrows.
Hope is slipping through my hands,
Gravity is taking hold.
Said I'm not afraid, that I am brave enough.
I will not give up,
Until I see the sun.

Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Crying out,
These tired wings are falling,
I need you to catch me.

As I burn,
As I break,
I can't take it anymore.
I return to the place,
Where the water covers over everything.
Rescue me some how.

Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Crying out.
These tired wings are falling,
I need you to catch me.
Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.

That song I will never hear without thinking of the miscarriage. I wanted my baby back.... I blamed God. I blamed my defective body. I knew I could carry to term as my daughter was almost six at the time. Yet she didn't understand. She knew she was going to get a sibling then she didn't.... She knew enough to make something for her angel sibling and watch it go to heaven. We recorded that, and it took me everything to not get choked up recording it. Hymn for the Missing I know I tortured myself with during the weeks following yet when I heard it, I would just sit there singing the lyrics as if my angel was right there able to hear it. The tears would fall, my voice would crack but it was cathartic. I had heard it first a while before my miscarriage yet it brought all new meaning then.....

Now I can usually listen to it as I am now writing this and be okay. Still cathartic as ever but less outward emotions with it.

I got my positive pregnancy test with my son on what would have been my angel's due date. My angel would be five and a half now had I not lost him/her. Yet my son would not be here. Would we have had more after our angel had I carried him/her to term? I do not know. Yet life as I know it now it would definitely be different.

Baby loss is one of those topics few want to ever discuss. It's like it's taboo. Worse, the looks of either pity or even like you did something to cause it. Just let us talk about it! Listen to us! In the eyes of many I caused mine simply because I had a child born previously with an overall mild craniofacial condition. That's it!

Why? Why do we do this? Why the taboo? Why the doubts? Why the judgment?

Here's some statistics to show how common baby loss is.....

• 1 in 4 women have had at least one miscarriage and or stillborn.
• In the United States in 2006 there were nearly 26,000 "fetal deaths" (stillbirths) and about 19,000 babies died in their first month. In total, 1 out of 60 births resulted in stillbirth or neonatal death. When one takes into account the number of miscarriages, that number skyrockets to 1 out of 4 pregnancies. -S-
• Stillbirth effects about 1% of all pregnancies, and each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.¹ That is about the same number of babies that die during the first year of life and it is more than 10 times as many deaths as the number that occur from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).²

Now, did you know this:

Nearly one in four U.S. women will choose to have an abortion before age 45. -S-


Do you know how many that equates to and how many people you know who may have had one? Either a baby loss or abortion.

Would you treat Jane Doe the same after learning she had an abortion at 15 due to parental demands? Jane had to choose the baby or get disowned by her family for not aborting. Yes, that seriously happens too..... Sometimes it's the other way around..... What about a case of incest against a child? That happens too.... I've seen the stories. I've seen the heartbreak and fear.
Now what about other cases of pregnancy? What about the stories like what the Banks faced? What would you do?


Sometimes when things go wrong in a pregnancy, the blame game is the worst thing you can do. Instead be there for them. Set differences aside and just be there. That simple.


No matter what diagnoses my kids have nor whatever their kids have I can't fathom the decisions that may or may not have to ever be made like what you may have and many others since have had to face. I may be considered pro-life but I also feel there are exceptions to that as sometimes there has to be. Most of all though, we need less judgment......

I only pray that those who have to make those hard decisions have a village who will love them through it.

On another angle....

Adults could learn this too....

I have read posts from other medical mommas who were told they should have aborted.... One I'm thinking of was told multiple times that her daughter was just a burden on society, a waste of space and so much more..... I've heard some of it, as have many, many others who have children with disabilities. Why?

What about those who become disabled later in life? Do some feel the same about them? Like Terri Schiavo? Like Alfie Evans? Like those who get refused a life saving organ transplant because they have a disability like Down Syndrome? Happened to a little girl named Annie.... Remember the story of Baby Doe in 1982? Did they ask for your judgment and sentence that ultimately got carried out? NO!

Ebenezer Scrooge felt that way too. He would rather have the burdens on society be rid of. Decrease the surplus population!

Why do we do that? Why do we tell mom's to abort or "get rid of" if the child isn't perfect yet scream pro-life at others? Why screech for foster parents to take in children yet then judge them for whatever baggage the kids came in with? For having any government assistance for those kids? Why even judge the kids in the middle of this? We question what moms did to cause the disability, miscarriage, stillbirth, loss at any age BUT if they don't do it all "the Christian way" and do adoption or keep the baby, the mom faces hell from the church? While at it, why do those who become single moms outside of marriage ostracized/judged but those who have been divorced/dating after/remarried treated well? Technically both are considered sin. Why the hypocrisy?

My big question to those who are pro-life is this: Why pro-life during pregnancy but after the baby is born, depending on who became the mom or what the baby has, they get treated like a leech on society and told such? Why support and love some but not others? Why cherry-pick?

Because it's convenient? Because it's easier than to love all? Because you know some can 100% support themselves and others can't? Because the mom and or child (ren) are on Medicaid or another government program? Because of popularity or who knows who? 

Did Jesus teach that?

Why?

Just stop with the excuses already! How will you be like Jesus truly was if you keep doing this? That's called legalism and it's what the Pharisees did! Jesus wasn't a fan of them. No wonder the world is laughing at us......

If you are going to claim you are pro-life, be pro-life in all stages of life, no matter who or what! Not just pregnancy either. Don't cherry-pick who you'll support in any method either. Be a doormat and be used? No. But don't assume all are going to use you or "fake" what's going on either. Don't NOT be like Jesus for selfish reasons.

All means all.
Is that not what Jesus taught?

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If any of you have faced this, you aren't alone. I promise that..... I pray for you. Many love you even if those around you don't.

Let me know of those who don't feel loved, or feel outcast because I will be willing to listen, even if it is only through the cyber world. I challenge you to do the same.

Set aside your judgment and listen instead. May your judgment wash away and Jesus shine instead....

As Jarrett said at the end of his sermon today, "I KNOW, without a doubt, with absolute certainty that the risen Christ is here, and he is calling you and me, and if we answer this call, what a wonderful world this would be."

Indeed it would be a much warmer world, as God intended.
We need to listen more and speak less......

As Mother's Day today comes to a close I want to share this prayer that the same pastor I talked about earlier shared this morning. It's the perfect way to end this post.

"A Pastoral Prayer for Mother’s Day On May 11, 2015 By Jarrett Banks

The words of this pastoral prayer are adapted from a letter written by Amy Young to pastors.

Gracious God, Father and Mother of us all,

During this time, with our hearts and minds turned toward motherhood, we give you thanks for all those in our lives who possess the soul of a mother.

We give you thanks and celebrate with those in our community who have given birth this year, and we give thanks and anticipate with those in our community who are expecting a child.

We give thanks and pray for all mothers who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains and wearied bodies. And we pray for and mourn with those who have lost a child, for those who have experienced loss through accidents, sickness, DNCs, miscarriage, failed adoptions Or an unjust system. We pray for mothers who feel like their children are lost to drugs or other addictions.

We pray for and walk beside those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment. Forgive us when we say foolish things for we certainly do not mean to make this harder than it is.

We give you thanks for those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – for this world so desperately needs them, perhaps more now than ever.

We give you thanks for and celebrate with mothers who have warm and close relationships with their children. And we pray for and sit with those mothers who have disappointment, heartache and distance with their children.

We pray for and grieve with all children who lost their mothers this year. And we pray for and acknowledge the experience of children everywhere who have experienced abuse at the hands of their mothers.

We pray for those who are single, yet long to be married and mothering their own children. We mourn that life has not turned out the way they have longed for it to be.

We pray for those who step-parent and walk with them on complex paths. And we pray for and grieve with all those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be.

We pray for, grieve with and rejoice alongside all those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year.

We pray for those who placed children up for adoption. We ask you to bless them for their selflessness and comfort them as they hold that child in their heart.

O God, on this Mother’s Day, we pray that you help us to walk with all mothers, for mothering is not for the faint of heart, and on this day, we have real warriors in our midst."

~ Special Momma ~