Stumbling in Darkness

"....they are children stumbling in the dark, searching for guidance. A gift can often be a curse. Give someone wings, and they may fly too close to the sun." ~ Charles Xavier from X-Men Apycalypse ~

This is me..... I saw this movie for the first time the other day and didn't really have the quote sink in till I watched it again to catch the stuff I missed the first time. Charles explains me perfectly, except I'm not a "mutant" despite that often I wonder if there is a defect with me...... "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

Ephesians 3:16‭-‬19 NLT

Why is this such a struggle for me? "Willpower is a very poor strategy for the ongoing transformation of our character in the Christian life." Is that it? My willpower sucks? If growing spiritually = less sinful behavior (Col. 2:6-7) than why do I struggle with where my place is? Where am I? Where should I be right here, right now?

In James, Sunday morning we were talking about judgment. For a time I was facing a period, especially after my son was born, where I would feel like I was judged by many, mainly for having another special needs child. I also have for them being on SSI/Medicaid. What choice do I have? I could go on a healthcare and insurance rant but not now. There are times I still struggle with it.... I'm not guiltless, in fact, probably in feeling the judgment/condemnation from others, I too have judged them.... It's one reason why I'm better as a hermit so often. Less hurt. So therefore the less I'm around others, the less they can do to me and if they truly cared, they would check on me, and they don't. Texts go unanswered, I sit alone, Everything is small talk.... I'm used to people giving up on me, it's nothing new. So many say they won't but they all eventually do. Eventually. Their silence is telling, but I can't make myself listen......

Yet a devotional that was sitting on a bathroom counter suggested that we talk and feel about our faith as If we were madly in love with someone and that's all we think and talk about. I know I'm saved yet why has my heart never felt that? Do I not know how? Do I lack faith? An I unworthy compared to those that do feel their faith like that? Is that why I have always fought feeling love from anyone? Everything is conditional in life, so is that why my struggle? I feel like God is conditional even though I don't think that's my issue. I know God's love isn't conditional as He can forgive the "worst of the worst" yet then why do I not have that fire within me? Has my heart been beaten so much and relentlessly the last 30+ years that now I'm numb?

Is it that with this cold, heartless world that I too have grown cold? Not cold in hate filled but in that I would anymore rather stay a hermit at home than deal with with the fact that I'm a social outcast, a pebble in everyone's shoes that they would rather well rid of me. So cold in the sense of distant. Like how I explained earlier..... If you have seen the first three "prequels" to the X-Men, you learn the stories of especially how Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr begin their journeys. I told my husband that in some ways I relate to Erik the most. Of course I have not done much of what he has, yet because of their early lives, I understand Erik the most. Are these struggles why everyone gives up on me? Almost everyone I have ever known since I was born gave up on me. 99% of everyone has, and I feel like it's a matter of time before the rest do. Why would it stop now? I'm thankful that those in my house have not. At least not yet. My words to God right now would be this: "Sorry I'm not everything I wanted to be for you. I know it's not too late because until time runs out, it's not over. Yet I wish I knew why these struggles..... I try so hard to keep finding the rainbow in the storm, the silver lining, the candle among the darkness. Yet sometimes it's so hard..... Sometimes our feelings are so deep, they become our graves.... One can't trust feelings yet when all I hear in my heart is silence, how do I know what and where I should be? What is my place in the grand scheme of things? We are all but pieces of tiny grains of sand in the vast universe. We all were born and someday we all will die. Even the wealthiest can't postpone eventual death. Pride comes before a fall and so we should stay humble as we are all worth the same, right?" If we are all worth the same to God, then why can't we see each other like that? Why must we rank those around us as we do? Why can't you sit by the "nerd" the "outcast" the "ugly" the "social outcast" the "outsider" or even the "She's not from here" person? Why do we all make promises than break them like shattered glass? When that glass breaks, do you know who and what you really pierce with it as the shards fall? Do you care to know? Do you know what your words and actions really mean? Do you not see that the words spoken or not spoken can impact those around you for a lifetime? Think on that.... 

 ~ Special Momma ~