When I was 10, Dorthy who worked at my school gave me this.
I had so much hate in my heart even at age 10. So much anger, sadness and bitterness at 10. I wanted revenge on those who hurt me. Especially my father..... That had not peaked yet though.
When I was 12, almost 13 and spent two visits nearly back to back in a hospital psych ward, these four were all I had. That was the lowest point in my life.... I wanted to live no more. The flame had died, I had nothing left. I was empty and bitter cold..... I truly wanted to die and I knew at that time in my heart that I would not be missed nor would I be a burden on anyone ever again....
Some may truly wish I was silent more often. That I would just shut up, be quiet, go with the crowd. Some may wish I would just be gone. Some may wish I wasn't so outspoken or opinionated at times. Yet if you knew where I came from, you along with most adults who were around me when I was growing up, would have said I would have never made it. I was told I would never be independent. I was told I would always be in an institution. I was even told that I would amount to nothing way more times then I was encouraged ever growing up. I was silenced as a child, told to shut up often, told that I was always a liar even when I knew I was telling the truth. I survived more in the first 18 years of my life then most ever would. I was in and out of institutions of sorts between 8-15 years old. With some of the abuse I endured, I really shouldn't be here at all. Yet here I am. And if anyone thinks they will bring me down now, you have one heck of a fight ahead because I fight back. I will never go back. When I was 12 I attempted suicide twice. Never going back. Had I not accepted Christ when I was 14, I would be in one of three places now. Dead, prison/mental ward or in my own personal hell. No I'm not perfect. I'm not where I want to be. I have backslid sometimes and also leaped forward before too. I will not be where I want to be till I'm in heaven. Till then, I'm a work in progress. You know what? I'll never be silenced. Never again. This is who I am. I am a survivor. That's always been my attitude.... Since I was 13, that has been.
Recently, I was going over the James study lessons.....
From Beth Moore's James study week 4, day four.
"You can be rescued by God from your Egypt and still be filled to the brim with bitterness. I certainly was. Research suggests plausible reason like mineral content to explain why that body of water in Exodus 15 was brackish and undrinkable. Likewise, plausible reasons suggest why people like us get bitter. All of us have been hurt and offended, misled and misused. Who in the world could blame us? We can find plenty of people who'll give us permission to keep that whirlpool of bitterness churned up within us, but we can only find One who can plunge beneath those waters and make them sweet. He alone can fill us through and through with the new wine of His spirit and purify all the murkiness until it's as clear as a crystal sea.
If you're like me, sometimes you don't even realize you still have some of that old bitterness inside of you until something foul springs like a fountain from your mouth. Jesus pinpointed the source in Matthew 12:34 "The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart."
Maybe it's time for a fresh work of Jesus right there in the wellspring of our hearts. Right there where the offense hit. Right there where the loss hit. Right there where the betrayal hit. Right there where the abuse hit. Right there, Child. He is the Lord your Healer."
I have often felt alone and isolated in a world where I have felt like I don't belong in this community. As much as I fight it, it has grown some and not for the better. People say they care for me and my kids yet I have always found it hard to trust that. It's nothing personal, just how I have always been. I have been burned way too much to really trust anyone right off. I have to 'test' them first. Test the waters so to speak. Most people when they say they care for us and or have been praying, I honestly take it superficially. Not because of them but because of the past, I have had to be hardened enough to not take anything anyone says to me like that as truth. Again, nothing personal. Yet even here when the storms rolled in and the sky's got dark, many ran who said they would be there. Normal fact of life but it has only made it harder to trust. Many of us aren't bitter, we are broken. Broken from years of lies, backstabbing and outright hate. That comes out as bitterness....
Years of broken promises, false love, false security. Years of being told by others that they are your friend and there for you and yet it's all a lie. We are broken, not bitter. We are promised that we could have a mentor, friend or someone like that, yet when times get tough and they start to see the ugly in you that every single one of us have, they back away. When you are real, they run. When we are fake, they stay, maybe....
They see all of you and they run. You rarely hear from them if at all....
They all say you are irreplaceable yet it's in the storms, in the dark, you are replaced because nobody wants to deal with it with you.
It is then that you realize you really are alone...... Yet we are not because God is with us, even if we can't feel it..... Sometimes it's all but impossible to see that. Sometimes....
It's hard to feel God's love when you don't feel loved by most around you. It's hard to feel like we matter to anyone when they don't value us. It is hard to see ourselves when the world sees us as a broken reflection. It is hard to see the love in this world when our eyes have been shattered too many times that we can't see it any other way.
You feeling like this? Maybe it's time to say goodbye to many who say they will stand with you no matter what and have proven otherwise. God is ultimately the only one who will be there till the end anyway..... Truthfully, that's what makes it so hard to let God have control over things, because so much is out of control, or at least the pieces we see are. That's what hurts though, even those that hurt you intentionally or not, at least are people around you. When you lose them, then it is when you see that you are standing alone... Maybe it's time to see that even those you thought would stand with you, weather the storm with you, truly have fled. Deep down, you knew in your heart they would anyway..... Because it always happens, it always has been just that. Your life. You learned early on that broken promises is what life is.
The world is a sea of faces, so many lost into their own lives that they forget anyone is around.
What dreams may come
That's what creates a cold, lonely world. A world without God is just that.
Yet feeling bitter at times has been an on/of struggle for decades for me.... I'm surrounded by people, other times I'm by myself, but almost always feeling alone. In my own world. The elephant in the room, lost in a sea of faces where nobody notices those around them.
I have struggled with bitterness and frustration in recent weeks,... I admit it... My heart was getting to the point of just saying "screw the world and I'm just tired of dealing with everyone because it's not like they want anything to do with me anyway!" thinking. I have thought sometimes in the past that the colder I have my heart, the less pain and disappointment I'll face.
Ice cold, that's what I figure. Not that I won't care but that I'll be numb to the bad around me. I'll take care of my household and to heck with everyone else because I'm just used by them anyway. Empty promises is all they are. That's where I got.
That's where I was when I read these words from Beth Moore.
"You can be rescued by God from your Egypt and still be filled to the brim with bitterness. I certainly was. Research suggests plausible reason like mineral content to explain why that body of water in Exodus 15 was brackish and undrinkable. Likewise, plausible reasons suggest why people like us get bitter. All of us have been hurt and offended, misled and misused. Who in the world could blame us? We can find plenty of people who'll give us permission to keep that whirlpool of bitterness churned up within us, but we can only find One who can plunge beneath those waters and make them sweet. He alone can fill us through and through with the new wine of His spirit and purify all the murkiness until it's as clear as a crystal sea.
If you're like me, sometimes you don't even realize you still have some of that old bitterness inside of you until something foul springs like a fountain from your mouth. Jesus pinpointed the source in Matthew 12:34 "The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart."
Maybe it's time for a fresh work of Jesus right there in the wellspring of our hearts. Right there where the offense hit. Right there where the loss hit. Right there where the betrayal hit. Right there where the abuse hit. Right there, Child. He is the Lord your Healer."
I was vacuuming the next day and saw cobwebs. Gross!
Then I could sense God whispering to me that "Only when the light is shown, shining right on the cobwebs can they be seen. Think of my vacuuming the house, and the light on that revealing webs, that the Light that Jesus IS is the only light that will reveal the cobwebs of bitterness, brokenness, sadness, anger, etc in your own heart and that like the vacuum, I alone can take those away."
Glass once broken shatters. Even if you put every piece back together in it's proper places, it doesn't look the same. It's been broken. Yet sometimes in that brokenness, beauty can be found in the most unlikely places. Think of a glass mosaic. All pieces of broken glass intended likely for something else. Yet put together with glue, plaster, etc. to make the most interesting creation. Yet God comes to me in my brokenness and says, "I am here." My pieces, all laid out, broken, shattered, jagged, piercing, bleeding, wounded, and even though I am alone in a dark, lonely world, God is taking the glue and trying to make me into what He wants of me. Even Jesus prayed in the dark, afraid.....
Feel free...... There are days that we feel trapped but we truly are free, if we allow ourselves to be. In the end, nobody's opinion matters but God's. Even if the pain that others inflict on us created us to be broken, not bitter. Maybe it is time to release ourselves from those who make us feel broken. If they won't change, then we must be the ones to make the change happen. Don't become bitter as this leads to hate and apathy. Let the cobwebs get cleaned out. Let the broken pieces be glued together to make something even better than the original.
The question is, are we going to live life as if this life is truly hell or are we going to try to make the best of it? As bruised, hurt and broken as I am some days, all I can do is pick myself back up and keep walking. No matter how dark or light it is.
“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”
— Mike McHargue"
Jesus did. All Jesus asked was for those he saw to follow Him. Nothing more. Shouldn't we?
Just knowing who Jesus is isn't enough. Even the demons and the devil know who Jesus is. Will you have the salvation though? Quality of faith is what counts.
~ Special Momma ~
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