Do we really?

Are we really willing?

This has been making it's rounds on Facebook again. It's not the first time or the last time I've seen it. Yet are those words true? We all share that stuff, saying it's true, "Yes I'd do that!"

Do we really though?

I gotta be real with you.....



I'm broken and lost guys.... I really am....

credit


My core feels like it's been ripped out of me, yet so many just stomp on it......


Or at least that's what it feels like.....

credit


Look into these eyes. What do you see?

  
credit

credit

credit

Does one bear the soul and one look "normal"? How would you describe the "normal" one? What feelings or emotions do you get out of them? Be honest now.

Is it something like, broken? Emotional distress? Shattered? Void? Empty? Shattered? Stared at the eclipse too long recently?

No seriously.... The brown one is mine. Yet for the most part, it isn't seen at all as being one who has suffered, one who has been broken, one who has heard way more in her life than I ever should have.

I fight because I have to... Because I have no choice... Because if I don't, then I have failed. If I don't fight, who will? God gave me my kids, it's my job to get what they need.... Fighting for the last 30ish years is the only way I have survived, though even survival almost didn't happen at times..... I have learned that I can't  give up, no matter how bad it gets.... Even to a fault..... Losing a battle or war is the hardest thing to swallow.


Though I can't do it all alone, even though I usually do........
 

Yet I think if we all took the time like that pic said:

I think that would make a HUGE difference..... I'll get more into that in a bit. I have much to share, good and bad.
We have been having a really hard time with insurance bureaucratic stuff for a good month now, and it came crashed down August 11th and has been continuing since. Insurance through employment changed as of July 1st. All of the fighting, advocating, hope, paperwork, and it all crashed down August 11th.... Yet really of all of those that have asked me either how I'm doing or more specifically about the insurance, only two have listened and stuck with me as the days have dragged on......

I admit I've been really down about it too... I really have. So few words have been of support, most have been telling me to get over it, even those who I thought would support, want nothing to do with it. I'm ignored, I'm told to get over it, I'm told to quit griping, I'm told to suck it up, I'm told I'm a bad parent because I can't afford to pay out 60% plus for everything in Dallas now, and more... How the heck are we supporting people behaving like that? Most of what I have heard this negative stuff from are people within the church!!!! (Not saying MY church but "the church") Fellow believers, those who claim to follow Christ!

Last I checked, Jesus didn't teach like that!

This is what I have to say to health insurance companies too: Don't tell me you care about patients, families and all of that if you really are full of yourself and don't even know a dang thing you are talking about. If you know nothing about the healthcare world and what it really is, you have no business in it. Period! That goes for anyone down to the office staff taking in patients all the way up to the fat cats in politics and insurance companies..... It's amazing how much power insurance has in who you can and cannot see, what procedures you can have and can't have done and when, and really if you live or die. It's BS! Sometimes the hospitals/clinics are just as bad if not worse......

BUT!

While driving to Celebrate Recovery, August 17th, I saw a sun dog and a sun halo. Sundogs have always been a sign to me of my grandpa. A sun halo has been a sign of God reminding me to "hang in there" as I was going through a bad storm when I remember seeing the first one when I was 19. God whispered then to hang on a bit longer. That's how I see them now. I saw both together just before walking into CR that night. I was told before the worship time that I would be leading the adult women of family dysfunction group and when it starts. Soon after Worn was played that night also during worship time.... Pierced me as that is right where I was......

Later that evening, I got to thinking that this whole insurance storm has been a test of my faith due to that I am soon leading a group of women. I sound crazy but for those of you who have been through it, know what I mean. I'll say this though, If there was a grading system to get into Heaven, I'd pass with a D- likely. lol Faith requires action and belief.... Sometimes the hardest to keep in the storms.....

This last Monday the battles and the brick walls started all again..... So did the tears. I swear you guys, I have cried more tears since August 11th then I even did when I lost my middle child in miscarriage..... Yeah..... I have not had tears since though at least... That's something right???

Tuesday while I had to get a filling done, (joy) and some song lyrics popped into my head out of nowhere. I had not even admittedly listened to this song in a while. 

"Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held,"

Then on the way to do an errand after the dentist, I saw this. One church sign, both messages.

I just wish I could have gotten the chance to tell everyone in Dallas goodbye..... The doctors, nurses, staff, Ronald McDonald House..... All of that is gone.... I want to see how this storm is used already though.... I'm done hurting from this mess......Yet I blame insurance for it all....

Goodbye to this skyline......

The pain is real guys.... It may sound really stupid to some but it really is real..... 10 years.... So much talk though of that I just need to let this go, I need to suck it up, I need to pay up or shut up, etc.

So....... Keep thinking of that first pic that's been going around Facebook.

Those pics of the eyes.... When you really look at someone, do you see their soul or do you just see the shell? Most of you would say the shell right? What if I told you I and many others in this world are this.

BUT we really feel this: Our soul, our heart speaks yet so few hear.....

credit

Or this:

credit

Are those words said then to silence people really that encouraging? Is that what you want said to you when you are in a storm? Think about it....

Yesterday I posted on FB, "The church is so often focused on the "lost" that they overlook that there are many who are not lost but are hurting and struggling. We overlook that, or worse, hold judgment against them and sometimes that causes those who were saved to step away from faith.... If we can't be there for those hurting, how are we to keep those who are also lost?"

As the words from a lady who commented said, "Just a reminder, not all is due to everyone else having it together and not reaching out but everyone having their own hurts and difficulties they are trying desperately to survive. Do we as the church need to be better? Well of course we do. But I try to remember that I will not be fully redeemed until Christ comes and I receive my new body that will not be fighting constantly with my flesh. I feel like Paul most days when he says I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I need to do.
I think one of the biggest tragedies is the game we play on social media that our family is all together and we don't have a care in the world. It's makes everyone feel like they are alone and that no one cares when in reality, the nice accolades and filtered pics are a mask of what we want our lives to be.
I feel like we are barely treading water but if you look at my social media you won't know that. At the same time I want to enjoy the good moments and share them with family and friends that I don't live close too. Treading our own waters of difficulties has made me not reach out to anyone like I know the Lord calls me too and I hate that and want to do better. May the Lord help me in it.
Pls know that I pray for you and your sweet babies and pls forgive me for not encouraging you with that."

I replied, "I'm just worn with this whole insurance storm and have seen that the less I talk about it, the better it is because I know those few who are listening are probably tired of me talking about it. Yet it's something new with it every day..... I"m afraid my kids will suffer for it yet the silence is deafening....... Even in storms past, the silence has been deafening, it's just the older I get, the louder that is"

Yet she also said that she is encouraged as a mom by my fight for my kids.

The point of that FB post was that too many are not quick to listen but are quick to judge or silence those around them...... We need to be quick to love and show compassion instead...


Today while talking to a mom who is working on a study with me, I told her what I wished for the most right now besides keeping the team we have, is us as Christians to be there for one another like we should. It hurts when you feel betrayed and isolated from those who should support you the most. I told her that's why so many posts in the blog about it. What happened to us being Christ like? I told her that night on August 11th, I had a dear mom who has been on this medical journey and then some, who came right into it with me when we started ours and has been there since. I was up messaging her till 2am, crying, yelling, sharing fears, venting, you name it. There were words said that I felt like I needed to say yet I know the talk we had would scare off most people. Yet at least I had that. I told the mom I met with today though, where is that within our churches? Where is the support? Why do we feel like when our world crashes (sometimes for the upteenth time..) we can't turn to anyone, even within our own faith?

Now perhaps there are a few we can, but then how do we overcome the fears of rejection and judgment?


When will we all take our masks off and start being real? Not just face to face but via social media too. When will we quit faking it?

Where's the support and discipleship in that? If we ourselves refuse to reach out to others who we know are in a storm or likewise us in the storm refuse to reach out to others to talk, how are we to be built up? How are we to feel love? How can we feel love when we are constantly rejected or judged?

How are we to be like Jesus and comfort others?

Think on that. I will too.... And may I do better at giving this journey to God, as I should be doing....... Just Be Held is what I should be..... I give and take back and give and take back..... I can't seem to help wanting to control everything going on around me, even in the storm....


Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Do we really show love?

Romans 12:9 says Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.

But do we? Do we who claim to be Christians and love Christ REALLY believe this? Think about it.

Can you step out and see closer in to the world around you too? Now a week in a mission field in another country or state or even county is about 2% of our life for the year. That remains 98% of our time in our own country, our own neighborhood, much of that within a fifty mile radius of where we sleep at night, right?

I can't help but think on this. I heard that verse Sunday morning while there was testimony about some kids who went to Nicaragua on a mission trip.

I need to do better too about this myself here at home, but one thought I have always had about foreign trips is, what about those at home? Are we all so caught up in how impoverished other countries are that we overlook the impoverished both physically and spiritually back here in our own backyards?



An example is this video I saw the other day:

That's what's wrong with faith today. Where is the genuine love and compassion? Where is the "not going to give up" at? Is it any wonder that so many are outcasts, despised, in prison, homeless? Because they have never had anyone to genuine love them. They have never felt unconditional love. Why do we who claim to be brothers and sisters in Christ treat each other worse than we would a stranger on the side of the road needing help changing a tire? We show strangers more compassion than we do those within our own towns! Instead of seeing someone who is struggling and just ignoring them or worse, gossiping about then, stand up and see what that person needs, without judgment.

We I would dare say, are one of the most impoverished and dying from starvation spiritually than most of the nations out there in the world! What are we doing about it?

credit

I will point out that this isn't about asking for money, stuff or anything else but simply for people within the church to reach out to those who are spiritually starving and honestly need someone to love on them without barriers, church without walls, church without "I'll do this if you do that" mentality. However the biggest barriers I think are those among economic classes.

As shared by a friend on Facebook, B posted Sunday as well, "The inconvenient reality of compassion: While discussing James 2 this morning in life group, the issue of poverty and "the poor" came up. There was some comparison of the poor here to the poor around the world, and the assertion that many American poor are that way, to some extent, by their own choosing, or purposely as a way to "game the system" (is that a phrase?). It's hard to want to help and show compassion to people who put themselves in a position of need. But if we're going to claim Christianity, and show the love of Christ to the world, then their needs and what we can do to help should be the only two points of interest. How they got where they are, or their attitude towards our help, or their willingness to change their ways don't matter. The love of Jesus is unconditional towards us. We didn't earn what He freely gave us, we often don't show gratitude for our salvation, and we chose, and continue to choose actions (sin) which require Help that we can't provide for ourselves. It's a good thing that when God looks down at us, living our lives marred by sin, and disgusting compared to His holiness, that He doesn't roll His eyes and shake His head, like we're some bum with a cardboard sign. Because we are all about as worthy of Salvation as the bum on the side of the road is entitled to my help. That's Christianity; helping BECAUSE it's needed, and not worrying about WHY it's needed. And that is a very inconvenient idea, especially in our Americanized church" B went on to say in the comments, "I do think the church should be a place and group that transcends the effects of social class, but unfortunately, often you still find the "us" and "them" cliques"

Now I gotta say those cliques go way beyond just money. They go to where you were born, where you went to school, what you wear, what you say, what you believe in, and so much more. High school anyone?

So that brings me to this:

Now I'm going to get a little political here. Bear with me. What about those who say they are "right to life?" How do they treat others around them? Respect is only deserved while an innocent baby in the womb yet we throw all of that out the window after they are born and tell the families "Too bad you are on your own but you are going to hell if you get an abortion."

So wait a minute, aren't most of these against abortion conservative Christian? YES! So then, where's the compassion commanded of us for those "less then us" if we condemn those who also do abortion? (No I am not pro-abortion)


Okay so then let's say you are pregnant with a child who has been just diagnosed in utero with Down Syndrome. (Or insert any other life changing diagnosis) What is that mom likely to hear? "No quality of life. Abort it!" "Iceland eliminated Down Syndrome through abortion you know." "That child will be a burden, abort it." "What? You are thinking of an abortion? How dare you!" "You better not have more kids after this because they may be defective too!" "That child is innocent and abortion is murder!" and more..... Think I'm joking? Go ask any special needs mom and they will tell you all they have been told..... Now, say that child is born and does indeed have Down Syndrome or any other "special need", what will you say now?  "You had this child, deal with it! Don't ask for help!" I know people within churches even talk like that because I have heard it. Is that the right attitude?

James 2:1-9 which says:

"My brothers and sisters, do not show prejudice if you possess faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. For if someone comes into your assembly wearing a gold ring and fine clothing, and a poor person enters in filthy clothes, do you pay attention to the one who is finely dressed and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and to the poor person, “You stand over there,” or “Sit on the floor”?

If so, have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil motives?

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters! Did not God choose the poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor! Are not the rich oppressing you and dragging you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme the good name of the one you belong to? But if you fulfill the royal law as expressed in this scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. But if you show prejudice, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as violators."

Okay, Now let's go farther.

What are your genuine thoughts of those on Medicaid? What is Medicaid to you?

Do those who are on any government program like food stamps, welfare, medicaid, social security, medicare, SSI, SSDI, etc. worth less to you than those who are not?

Which is worth less to you? The lower working class in poverty, the single mom of kids with many daddies on welfare or the upper class who are rich and on no aid whatsoever?

Be real with me. Don't sugarcoat to make yourself look good. Be honest.

Now let's get really into this: How should Christians see these people? Do they see and treat people equally or not? Why?

If you don't treat people equally, why not? No BS answers now, I want your heart answers.

I dare you to say what you think. Especially since a good handful of locals here think I'm a leech.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know everyone who is on any form of aid, despite reason or length get accused of abusing it at some point in it? Or of being leeches? Even the foster parents who's DHS custody kids in their care get it. I know of one mom who fosters kids and got nasty looks because the foster kids get WIC.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been accused of gaming the system and being a leech, even by people in my church because my kids have SSI with Medicaid as secondary insurance.

Little do they know..... Yet when I explain what Medicaid really does for them, I'm blown off. Medicaid pays for therapies (ST, PT, OT) that primary doesn't, and so much more.....

I've even been told that I better not have more children lest they be leeches too. Yes, by those even within the faith that claims to believe in Christ.

By the way, we pretty much get no other help, not by family, not by society and not by the government. Nobody helps us but ourselves. Hubs works full time, I handle almost everything when it comes to school meetings, appointments, travel to said appointments and scheduling for all along with procedures.... Yet I'm just a leech.....

You would be shocked by how rampant Christians proclaim those ideas and how looked down upon one is if they are not middle or upper class.

Now all of that leads to this:

That 98% that you spend within the confines of your community, how are you impacting it? Are you truly helping others or are you out for yourself? Are you snickering and sneering at others with your buddies over how someone looks or because they are on food stamps yet pretend to show love like Christ on Sunday mornings?

Are you one to sit there in the pew and say "I am like Christ because I do this, this and this! I'm doing fine!" yet condemn those who are not as well off as you for whatever reason it is?


What do people want in a church then?


They want to see compassion, friendship, commitment, love from the heart. Real love, not the "I love you but..." or the "I love you because I have to but I want nothing to do with any other Christ like requirements." They don't want someone to avoid them because of what they look or dress like. Overlook all of that. Overlook that they talk funny, overlook that they are not from your small town. Overlook that they honestly sin differently than you.

Jesus Christ came for everyone and died for everyone, from the serial rapist and killer of children all the way to the one who tells white lies once a year yet otherwise "does awesome deeds and behaves so well."

So what are you willing to do to break those barriers and REALLY be like Christ?

You know the saying, "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? Though I think for each cup of vinegar, it takes two cups of sugar to sweeten it, so that would make three cups of honey?  Dang, no wonder people can't handle me.... I'm too spicy. I'm like a habanero  pepper dipped in honey. I'm sweet at first than once people feel the heat, they can't handle it. Okay, so can I then just dump that on some people and just say I was being sweet and tangy while passing on some James wisdom?

via GIPHY

Okay so maybe not..... Let's keep praying though for ourselves and those around us, Mmmkay? Let's have less judgment and cliques and just tear down those walls. It's really that simple.


~ Special Momma ~

My December

Yeah, I'm keeping up with the Linkin Park theme like I did for yesterday's post. Yet I can't seem to help it.... A good part of yesterday and all day today I have had this stuck in my head....

credit

"My December"

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

The music without the lyrics is cathartic. Yet the lyrics really add to it... It's one of their deepest songs that I know.


To me, that song meaning is about regrets, loneliness and sadness.....

It's hard for me to put into words what I feel with this song.... There are days that it would be so easy to think back and wish we had done this and that differently. That we wished someone loved us better, or that we loved them better. That we wished we had never given up on a person or that we wished that someone had never given up on us.


For my life, it's always been broken promises, which some of that I allow, likely. You see, in my thirty something years of life, the only one who has not given up on me in any sort is my husband. (I don't count my kids in that yet. Too young.) Yet sometimes over the 17 years we have been together, (Married 13 years) I'm surprised he hasn't. Everyone else I have ever known has, at least at one time or another and many of them forever. I say I got used to it but really I didn't. It just made my heart harder..... Made me more angry, more co-dependent in that I wanted to control everything that went on around me, or at least know everything that was going on and why it was. I'm still like that..... It's worked well in some cases and not so well in others.

My most lonely years were the years I battled the worst depression I ever had. It was honestly a good thing I didn't have depressing music to listen to at that time or it would have been even worse.... I felt loved by nobody. Not even my beloved grandpa. He couldn't see us very often and we could only go to him every so often. Even after he gave me my first flute and I went into band, that happiness only lasted so long before the tentacles of depression and despair took over.... Again. I was twelve. Yet even today you see in the news and social media kids as young as eight killing themselves.... I was eleven when I got the first note in school saying that I should just be dead. Now it hadn't been the first time I heard it said to me but it was the first time I saw it written about me by someone who then pretended to be a friend. It's a good thing I didn't trust her much anyway but still....

I told my daughter just tonight, who is ten that if she learns nothing in life, to please never give up, no matter how bad it gets...... NEVER!

By the time I was her age she is now, the depression had not started yet but it wasn't far off. Yet I had seen more in those ten years than many would in a lifetime..... It's kinda ironic now how my kids have seen more than many kids have by this point yet I look at them and see how much better they have it than I ever did. They never have to doubt love, compassion, trust and hope.... I pray that as they get older, they never will either. Though, life will bring heartbreaks, I pray their foundation is better than mine ever has been.

I still remember when I was nearly fourteen, going into my last group home looking out the bedroom window that first night, seeing the moon and thinking about my destiny.

credit

I sat by the window that night looking out honestly thinking about so much..... Of course twenty one years later, I don't remember all of it. I do remember figuring at first that it was just another hellhole to survive. Well I did! Often that's what life can be. Good and bad, perceptions change following different things and times in our lives.

Do you all remember the movie Forest Gump? Remember the scene where Jenny was wanting to jump and all she did there is sit and cry? That's where I was....

I had been there so many times before.... Yet in that moment at the group home, I decided never again. It was time for me to heal, to finally be what I could be, and do my best for it.
By the time the courts decided it was time for me to go back home, I didn't want to. A part of me hated living with thirteen other girls but at least I was doing pretty good in school, was doing pretty decent in band and was finally relatively happy. I was safe.... I was in a place where I was heard. Where when my grandpa died, the one solid rock I ever had in my life, in one of my weakest times of grief, the staff there had my back. The teachers at my high school had my back.

I was forced to go back to a school district that had a history of not. Of kids who knew of my past cutting, my last few psych placements, and into a place where I had never been accepted or wanted by anyone prior., but for two girls I was in band with when I first started that.


Now I have listened to music often that compelled me to write. Yet after a long while of not having heard My December, somehow in the passing of Chester, this song has brought out much more... It's like the older I've gotten, the more deep I have gotten but also the more my brain runs away with me.... The older I have gotten, the more my eyes are opened to the world yet also to so much deep stuff in people's lives. Maybe that's because I have hardly any social life but still.... ;)

As I've gotten older, and as a mom, the more I have also spoken up about things. I don't know how much of that is "healing" or just as being an advocate or just simply that I like to talk. (Obviously... lol) Yet often I will find my heart aching and or yearning for more. Sometimes it yearns for unconditional love by family. Sometimes for people to have more compassion and less judgment. Sometimes for my heart to feel the joy that I see in others during times of worship. Sometimes for me to see life the way my three year old son does and not as a thirty something year old woman who has seen way too much in those years. Sometimes it yearns for truly feeling the love that God promises and I believe but often don't feel it....

I think to some degree, everyone struggles with this and more. Yet it's kinda ironic that I fight that stuff over 20 years later after accepting Christ.... Is that normal? That I don't know... I don't doubt my faith, it's not like that, it's just there's so much deep stuff to think on in life, that sometimes I can't help but to think the way I do, you know? I remember that night though. Days before we went to state for our marching band show (We won first in our class) and I remember looking out at the full moon sitting in the big van our group home had and staring at it. At first I figured salvation would bring the "easy life" where everything wouldn't be perfect but all would be smooth. Yeah, I'm laughing at myself too. I remember looking up and wondering if I was really forgiven for all the crap I had done and said all those years. If I would ever be truly healed of my past and what all had been done to me and said to me.

Yet even now I have healed from much yet I still have more to do. I still have questions, I still have doubts. Not doubts in my faith but as I said earlier, I think it's more questions than anything. Sometimes even jealousy/envy for where others are. Yet if not for where I have been, I wouldn't be able to relate to so many who I know my words can help. So then there is that. If it had not been for all the "hellholes" and stuff, then those who hurt, I would not relate to, and they may suffer in silence as a result.


So what will you do with your pain? What will you do with the past you had, no matter how bad? I am not ashamed that I am in Celebrate Recovery and probably will always be a part of to some degree. It proves to me that I'm not alone. It shows me that I can emerge victoriously, even if it takes a while. As the lyrics in the song Live on Forever says, 

"Dark days are gonna go away
They won't have the final say
These bones were always gonna fade
'Cause we were made for another place
The moment of our final breath
When all our fears are put to rest
Every tear will disappear
Heaven is real"




Hang in there, those of you who are hurting...... Listen to this....

"If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do"


~ Special Momma ~

In The End......

Yesterday left me with many thoughts in my head.... Some of you will know why that title is what it is, some of you won't, yet. All of you will by the time this post is done. And sorry for the long hiatus....

Last night leaving Celebrate Recovery, it was towards sunset, bright orange sun on the west, pink sky with rain-bands to the north and a very faint rainbow facing east against a purple sky. So beautiful..... I wish I could have gotten pics yet I couldn't. The view was one of the most beautiful......Yet somber... I was in shock..... I was in disbelief, yet so many memories were flooding into my head.... The rainbow kept fading in and out. I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in." in that moment.......I'll get more into that shortly.

I went to bed with this stuck in my head....

"It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised

It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter"


I saw this said today and I can totally agree.... Hearing Chester could be best described with how he described his dear friend, Chris Cornell, "your voice was joy and pain, anger and forgiveness, love and heartache all wrapped into one.."

That's what Linkin Park was for me....... Linkin Park is music I related to right after high school, going into college years and still do to some of the top hits..... In The End, Numb and One Step Closer are just three..... So many memories yet too reminders I wasn't alone...... The main albums I knew were Hybrid Theory and Meteora. (I had to double check release dates because I thought One Step Closer single came out while I was IN high school but it was right after. Hey, I had the year right at least!) No it's not Christian music but it is where I was. It's like Chester and LP were singing to me through much of those but especially those three.

Suicide doesn't rid the pain, it only explodes it...... It ends your suffering but it takes your pain and explodes onto everyone around you, starting with those who love you the most, even if you don't see it.... Chester's wife and six kids now have to deal with that loss the hardest.

Yet as the days go by, more and more will forget about this, they will move on, it will just be another celebrity lost. Even many have already moved on from Robin Williams.... (Best actor EVER!) Yet to those closest to Chester, his children and wife, they will never move on from this. Yeah, the days may get easier but it will never be the same.

Some have called Chester a coward, some have called him a POS, some have called him a pathetic person for doing this. Others have felt sorry for him... I have read comments on YouTube of fans saying that they too want to commit suicide now, yet so little do we realize that what we do, affects the people we would think of the least.

This was the best thing I saw today:

credit

So the question then is, "why suicide?" There's so many things that can lead up to it..... For me it was that all my life up till that point, I was taught by almost everyone that I wasn't worth anything, that I was just alive to be abused and mistreated, that I was alive because it was a mistake made, that I was worth as much as a piece of used toilet paper that should have just been thrown away. And the rare ones that believed I was worth something, I didn't believe them. Even today, almost 21 years after accepting my faith in Christ, I still struggle with my value. Though, it's nothing like it was. My darkest times were at 11-13. That's when I wanted to die, and I don't mean just wonder what life would be like if I wasn't here. I mean seriously wanted death. I prayed for it, even though I didn't believe in the faith then. I wished for it, I thought of the ways I would end it..... Most painless yet quick..... My days in school of bullies only added to it, especially when the staff at the school didn't want to do anything about it. I've shared my story on here before.... Mainly here and here.

Isolation, depression, anger, bullying, substance abuse, cutting, etc. is not limited to any race, gender socioeconomic class or anything. Nobody is immune. NOBODY!

We are all one trauma, one tragedy, one life changing event away from the potential of depression and or anxiety sticking it's slimy tentacles on you and refusing to let go no matter what...... No matter what your religious beliefs are, nobody is immune......

"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."

― from "Faithful: A Novel"

It's so much easier to feel accepted and loved in a place where you know others are on the journey with you, no matter what that journey for you is. For me it's like when I'm in Dallas yet it's also easier there to really share the journey, step out on faith that you will be accepted because you know those around you are where you are. Yet even for those who deal with depression, that can feel like not enough. Not because they are ungrateful or whatever but because it's truly not..... The pain, sorrow, anguish, anger, bitterness and whatever else feelings are being felt by the person facing those demons scream every single moment of every single day..... Those voices and feelings are so loud that they can often drown out everything else, even the words from those we love and who love us the most.

Remember me saying "I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in."in that moment."

I need to work on allowing the rainbow within me to be seen more often..... To shine brighter, to not allow life to snuff it out or even to dim it. Perfection? I wish.... Yet something I could strive to do better.

Now to share some honesty and raw truth, especially for those who have not seen my posts here before.

I will admit I have always struggled with being loved and even "good enough" For so many and for so long, I was never good enough, and for some I'm still not. Nothing I say or do is good or perfect enough. Yet I have to remember that they are not what matter, what should matter to me is God. First and foremost. The next opinion that should matter is my husband. That's it. And even him I can sometimes disagree with but stay civil. For so long, my worth I was keeping in how good of a parent I was, how good I was at doing the "right thing" no matter what, at doing all I could to fight whatever battle was next and to always have the armor on, ready to fight. There are times I still must do that, yet maybe it's time to sometimes take that armor off too..... I just hope I don't wind up like the poor knight in Knight in Rusty Armor, where it won't come off. I still like that story, all these years later.


I just want to get to the point where I can feel and experience unconditional love and acceptance without conditions or at least perceived conditions from God.


Someday I'll get there.... For now I suppose I just have to keep going. There is no other way..... I know the story isn't over though. Though no matter how dark or light or everything in between life is, people are watching us. People are looking for others who are where they are. They are looking for someone who they can either help or be helped from.




                  Where are you at?
            What are you willing for?
                  What will you do?

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~

"What beauty dwells in the heart of those tortured, 

That feel love so deep but hatred stains. 

Sadness upon there brow. 

Theses tortured once bright. 

Will almost never return to the light."
~ Unknown ~

“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”

— Mike McHargue"

That is how to help the hurting.... Who do you know that is hurting today? Who are you going to talk to and commit to being a true friend to?

Now, go do it! You never know what it might do for them.... You may prevent a suicide and not even know you did....


~ Special Momma ~