My December

Yeah, I'm keeping up with the Linkin Park theme like I did for yesterday's post. Yet I can't seem to help it.... A good part of yesterday and all day today I have had this stuck in my head....

credit

"My December"

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

The music without the lyrics is cathartic. Yet the lyrics really add to it... It's one of their deepest songs that I know.


To me, that song meaning is about regrets, loneliness and sadness.....

It's hard for me to put into words what I feel with this song.... There are days that it would be so easy to think back and wish we had done this and that differently. That we wished someone loved us better, or that we loved them better. That we wished we had never given up on a person or that we wished that someone had never given up on us.


For my life, it's always been broken promises, which some of that I allow, likely. You see, in my thirty something years of life, the only one who has not given up on me in any sort is my husband. (I don't count my kids in that yet. Too young.) Yet sometimes over the 17 years we have been together, (Married 13 years) I'm surprised he hasn't. Everyone else I have ever known has, at least at one time or another and many of them forever. I say I got used to it but really I didn't. It just made my heart harder..... Made me more angry, more co-dependent in that I wanted to control everything that went on around me, or at least know everything that was going on and why it was. I'm still like that..... It's worked well in some cases and not so well in others.

My most lonely years were the years I battled the worst depression I ever had. It was honestly a good thing I didn't have depressing music to listen to at that time or it would have been even worse.... I felt loved by nobody. Not even my beloved grandpa. He couldn't see us very often and we could only go to him every so often. Even after he gave me my first flute and I went into band, that happiness only lasted so long before the tentacles of depression and despair took over.... Again. I was twelve. Yet even today you see in the news and social media kids as young as eight killing themselves.... I was eleven when I got the first note in school saying that I should just be dead. Now it hadn't been the first time I heard it said to me but it was the first time I saw it written about me by someone who then pretended to be a friend. It's a good thing I didn't trust her much anyway but still....

I told my daughter just tonight, who is ten that if she learns nothing in life, to please never give up, no matter how bad it gets...... NEVER!

By the time I was her age she is now, the depression had not started yet but it wasn't far off. Yet I had seen more in those ten years than many would in a lifetime..... It's kinda ironic now how my kids have seen more than many kids have by this point yet I look at them and see how much better they have it than I ever did. They never have to doubt love, compassion, trust and hope.... I pray that as they get older, they never will either. Though, life will bring heartbreaks, I pray their foundation is better than mine ever has been.

I still remember when I was nearly fourteen, going into my last group home looking out the bedroom window that first night, seeing the moon and thinking about my destiny.

credit

I sat by the window that night looking out honestly thinking about so much..... Of course twenty one years later, I don't remember all of it. I do remember figuring at first that it was just another hellhole to survive. Well I did! Often that's what life can be. Good and bad, perceptions change following different things and times in our lives.

Do you all remember the movie Forest Gump? Remember the scene where Jenny was wanting to jump and all she did there is sit and cry? That's where I was....

I had been there so many times before.... Yet in that moment at the group home, I decided never again. It was time for me to heal, to finally be what I could be, and do my best for it.
By the time the courts decided it was time for me to go back home, I didn't want to. A part of me hated living with thirteen other girls but at least I was doing pretty good in school, was doing pretty decent in band and was finally relatively happy. I was safe.... I was in a place where I was heard. Where when my grandpa died, the one solid rock I ever had in my life, in one of my weakest times of grief, the staff there had my back. The teachers at my high school had my back.

I was forced to go back to a school district that had a history of not. Of kids who knew of my past cutting, my last few psych placements, and into a place where I had never been accepted or wanted by anyone prior., but for two girls I was in band with when I first started that.


Now I have listened to music often that compelled me to write. Yet after a long while of not having heard My December, somehow in the passing of Chester, this song has brought out much more... It's like the older I've gotten, the more deep I have gotten but also the more my brain runs away with me.... The older I have gotten, the more my eyes are opened to the world yet also to so much deep stuff in people's lives. Maybe that's because I have hardly any social life but still.... ;)

As I've gotten older, and as a mom, the more I have also spoken up about things. I don't know how much of that is "healing" or just as being an advocate or just simply that I like to talk. (Obviously... lol) Yet often I will find my heart aching and or yearning for more. Sometimes it yearns for unconditional love by family. Sometimes for people to have more compassion and less judgment. Sometimes for my heart to feel the joy that I see in others during times of worship. Sometimes for me to see life the way my three year old son does and not as a thirty something year old woman who has seen way too much in those years. Sometimes it yearns for truly feeling the love that God promises and I believe but often don't feel it....

I think to some degree, everyone struggles with this and more. Yet it's kinda ironic that I fight that stuff over 20 years later after accepting Christ.... Is that normal? That I don't know... I don't doubt my faith, it's not like that, it's just there's so much deep stuff to think on in life, that sometimes I can't help but to think the way I do, you know? I remember that night though. Days before we went to state for our marching band show (We won first in our class) and I remember looking out at the full moon sitting in the big van our group home had and staring at it. At first I figured salvation would bring the "easy life" where everything wouldn't be perfect but all would be smooth. Yeah, I'm laughing at myself too. I remember looking up and wondering if I was really forgiven for all the crap I had done and said all those years. If I would ever be truly healed of my past and what all had been done to me and said to me.

Yet even now I have healed from much yet I still have more to do. I still have questions, I still have doubts. Not doubts in my faith but as I said earlier, I think it's more questions than anything. Sometimes even jealousy/envy for where others are. Yet if not for where I have been, I wouldn't be able to relate to so many who I know my words can help. So then there is that. If it had not been for all the "hellholes" and stuff, then those who hurt, I would not relate to, and they may suffer in silence as a result.


So what will you do with your pain? What will you do with the past you had, no matter how bad? I am not ashamed that I am in Celebrate Recovery and probably will always be a part of to some degree. It proves to me that I'm not alone. It shows me that I can emerge victoriously, even if it takes a while. As the lyrics in the song Live on Forever says, 

"Dark days are gonna go away
They won't have the final say
These bones were always gonna fade
'Cause we were made for another place
The moment of our final breath
When all our fears are put to rest
Every tear will disappear
Heaven is real"




Hang in there, those of you who are hurting...... Listen to this....

"If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do"


~ Special Momma ~

In The End......

Yesterday left me with many thoughts in my head.... Some of you will know why that title is what it is, some of you won't, yet. All of you will by the time this post is done. And sorry for the long hiatus....

Last night leaving Celebrate Recovery, it was towards sunset, bright orange sun on the west, pink sky with rain-bands to the north and a very faint rainbow facing east against a purple sky. So beautiful..... I wish I could have gotten pics yet I couldn't. The view was one of the most beautiful......Yet somber... I was in shock..... I was in disbelief, yet so many memories were flooding into my head.... The rainbow kept fading in and out. I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in." in that moment.......I'll get more into that shortly.

I went to bed with this stuck in my head....

"It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised

It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter"


I saw this said today and I can totally agree.... Hearing Chester could be best described with how he described his dear friend, Chris Cornell, "your voice was joy and pain, anger and forgiveness, love and heartache all wrapped into one.."

That's what Linkin Park was for me....... Linkin Park is music I related to right after high school, going into college years and still do to some of the top hits..... In The End, Numb and One Step Closer are just three..... So many memories yet too reminders I wasn't alone...... The main albums I knew were Hybrid Theory and Meteora. (I had to double check release dates because I thought One Step Closer single came out while I was IN high school but it was right after. Hey, I had the year right at least!) No it's not Christian music but it is where I was. It's like Chester and LP were singing to me through much of those but especially those three.

Suicide doesn't rid the pain, it only explodes it...... It ends your suffering but it takes your pain and explodes onto everyone around you, starting with those who love you the most, even if you don't see it.... Chester's wife and six kids now have to deal with that loss the hardest.

Yet as the days go by, more and more will forget about this, they will move on, it will just be another celebrity lost. Even many have already moved on from Robin Williams.... (Best actor EVER!) Yet to those closest to Chester, his children and wife, they will never move on from this. Yeah, the days may get easier but it will never be the same.

Some have called Chester a coward, some have called him a POS, some have called him a pathetic person for doing this. Others have felt sorry for him... I have read comments on YouTube of fans saying that they too want to commit suicide now, yet so little do we realize that what we do, affects the people we would think of the least.

This was the best thing I saw today:

credit

So the question then is, "why suicide?" There's so many things that can lead up to it..... For me it was that all my life up till that point, I was taught by almost everyone that I wasn't worth anything, that I was just alive to be abused and mistreated, that I was alive because it was a mistake made, that I was worth as much as a piece of used toilet paper that should have just been thrown away. And the rare ones that believed I was worth something, I didn't believe them. Even today, almost 21 years after accepting my faith in Christ, I still struggle with my value. Though, it's nothing like it was. My darkest times were at 11-13. That's when I wanted to die, and I don't mean just wonder what life would be like if I wasn't here. I mean seriously wanted death. I prayed for it, even though I didn't believe in the faith then. I wished for it, I thought of the ways I would end it..... Most painless yet quick..... My days in school of bullies only added to it, especially when the staff at the school didn't want to do anything about it. I've shared my story on here before.... Mainly here and here.

Isolation, depression, anger, bullying, substance abuse, cutting, etc. is not limited to any race, gender socioeconomic class or anything. Nobody is immune. NOBODY!

We are all one trauma, one tragedy, one life changing event away from the potential of depression and or anxiety sticking it's slimy tentacles on you and refusing to let go no matter what...... No matter what your religious beliefs are, nobody is immune......

"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."

― from "Faithful: A Novel"

It's so much easier to feel accepted and loved in a place where you know others are on the journey with you, no matter what that journey for you is. For me it's like when I'm in Dallas yet it's also easier there to really share the journey, step out on faith that you will be accepted because you know those around you are where you are. Yet even for those who deal with depression, that can feel like not enough. Not because they are ungrateful or whatever but because it's truly not..... The pain, sorrow, anguish, anger, bitterness and whatever else feelings are being felt by the person facing those demons scream every single moment of every single day..... Those voices and feelings are so loud that they can often drown out everything else, even the words from those we love and who love us the most.

Remember me saying "I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in."in that moment."

I need to work on allowing the rainbow within me to be seen more often..... To shine brighter, to not allow life to snuff it out or even to dim it. Perfection? I wish.... Yet something I could strive to do better.

Now to share some honesty and raw truth, especially for those who have not seen my posts here before.

I will admit I have always struggled with being loved and even "good enough" For so many and for so long, I was never good enough, and for some I'm still not. Nothing I say or do is good or perfect enough. Yet I have to remember that they are not what matter, what should matter to me is God. First and foremost. The next opinion that should matter is my husband. That's it. And even him I can sometimes disagree with but stay civil. For so long, my worth I was keeping in how good of a parent I was, how good I was at doing the "right thing" no matter what, at doing all I could to fight whatever battle was next and to always have the armor on, ready to fight. There are times I still must do that, yet maybe it's time to sometimes take that armor off too..... I just hope I don't wind up like the poor knight in Knight in Rusty Armor, where it won't come off. I still like that story, all these years later.


I just want to get to the point where I can feel and experience unconditional love and acceptance without conditions or at least perceived conditions from God.


Someday I'll get there.... For now I suppose I just have to keep going. There is no other way..... I know the story isn't over though. Though no matter how dark or light or everything in between life is, people are watching us. People are looking for others who are where they are. They are looking for someone who they can either help or be helped from.




                  Where are you at?
            What are you willing for?
                  What will you do?

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~

"What beauty dwells in the heart of those tortured, 

That feel love so deep but hatred stains. 

Sadness upon there brow. 

Theses tortured once bright. 

Will almost never return to the light."
~ Unknown ~

“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”

— Mike McHargue"

That is how to help the hurting.... Who do you know that is hurting today? Who are you going to talk to and commit to being a true friend to?

Now, go do it! You never know what it might do for them.... You may prevent a suicide and not even know you did....


~ Special Momma ~

The scars we wear

I'm going to start a several post series on this kind of topic. It's not where I thought I would go but I feel like the need is there..... Even for locals in this town. The posts will be very dark but the places of light in those posts will shine very bright among the dark. I think it's something that needs talked about.....


I've been told that my story shouldn't be told, that I just need to be quiet. I've been told that I tell too much in this blog. I've been encouraged that I should just cover up my scars so people won't ask. I've been told that I just need to see a shrink and deal with things that way. I've been told that sharing my story will get CPS called on me and more....



Why? If others showed me compassion and love instead of hate and condemnation, my life would be very different, yet my story would not be able to help others.

Is it any wonder people don't talk about their PAST? The scars we wear? It's all a matter of fear....

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Khalil Gibran ~



I've even been told that because my son has two major head scars with more to come, that I should just encourage him to grow his hair out so his scars won't be seen. Scars shouldn't matter in that.... Really... Here's why.

Scars tell a story that needs told.... You never know what your scars will do for someone else.

"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."

― from "Faithful: A Novel"

Honestly my fear in doing the posts isn't sharing my story, it's the crap I'll get from family and possible locals..... Though being an outsider already, I don't think that will change much.....


Many thoughts were going through my head last night thinking about the past the present and the future thinking about where I've been the present and where am I going. Thinking about Shelby and her story wondering and thinking about my own life, about where my story will touch somebody else or change their life.

One thing I've not really had is unconditional love and real, true friends who either didn't flee at the first sign of a storm on the horizon, just forget about me or didn't stab me in the back with betrayal. I test everyone.... I have to... Saves from being betrayed. Almost nobody passes my test.

Something about that book Faithful has triggered something within me. What I don't know but something did. I don't know if it was how the story started, with Shelby locked up in a mental ward trapped within herself, the fact that one second in time changed her entire life, or that it took her over 10 years to finally be free again. I don't know what spawned me to read that Kindle book, as I had never heard of Alice Hoffman but I did... I finished it within two days.....

So....... Here goes nothing.....


.......

credit


credit

I'll start with a post I made recently... Just before I found that Hoffman book. Here are my not so beautiful thirty something year old legs....

These scars I have always been ashamed of. Always hid. Rarely let seen let alone told about. Many know my story, several know the name, few know the face. These scars tell the story of childhood depression, abuse, suffering. They tell the story of years of nobody listening to a child try to tell the truth. I was 8 when I was sent away the first time. I was 12 when most of these scars were self inflicted with a box cutter on two different occasions. It had not been my first but my legs were my worst. I really did want to die... I was nothing to anybody. I was destined to be a failure everyone said, a burden to society, destined to live in a psych ward or prison. I was better off dead...... Much of this wasn't from kids at school.... To them I was just a worthless nobody. Nobody knows of all the marks I had from pushpins and needles before and after the boxcutter was done till now. Nobody knew that I prayed to a god who I figured hated me like everyone else did, that I would just die in my sleep and be done with a world that hated me and who wanted nothing to do with me but to use and abuse me. Many nights before and after that happened, I prayed like that..... Nobody knew of those till now. I was sent away days later after using the box cutter the first time and put away for much longer after the second. Later I told how it was God that stopped me from slicing my wrists like I wanted, both times. It was my legs instead.... I was 15 when I was last in a group home. Quite a handful of residential treatment facilities, psych wards, group homes and a foster home all in that 7 years between 8-15. I will get more into the times away in another post. I was 19 when I really faced the trauma I survived.


I still have demons I face. My struggles now stem from rejection and being unloved by pretty much everyone...... To this day even.... I would rather be in control of the world around me than to let one more person "take the wheel" and screw up everything.... And that's another topic for later....


I had decided that since I had survived all that I did, I vowed at 18 that never again would I not be heard. Never again will I deal with being called a liar for the truth. Never again would anybody determine my destiny. Never again will I be silenced.


I may scream out In a world that drowns me out yet I know some hear my voice. I know my story has changed some. People wonder why I beat a dead horse over my blog posts. Because if I don't call out injustice, inequality and hypocrisy, who will?


So I have decided that for the first time, I will wear clothing this summer that shows my legs without worry, without apprehension, without fear. When people ask, I will tell. Why? Because I am not afraid of my scars. They have faded a lot in the 23 years since but they are still there. Not all are but the deepest ones I made remain on both legs.


 This post is for everyone who has struggled.... The next posts will be as well.

Many teens and even adults hurt themselves physically as a way to try and relieve the hurt that is taking over their lives. Cutting is behavior that stems from depression, which is a much deeper problem than the marks in your skin. Self-injury is considered to be an addiction, and it's not easy to just stop. Behaviors include, but are not limited to:

Cutting
Burning
Picking or interfering with wound healing
Infecting oneself
Punching/hitting self or objects
Inserting objects in to skin
Bruising or breaking bones and
Some forms of hair pulling

It's not only a stress relief but also a cry for someone to notice that something is wrong in their lives. A guy or girl who hurts themselves may feel empty, lonely, fearful, or is unable to express his or her feelings. The act may have been brought out because of past abuse or depression. Cutting is a result of a deeper issue within the heart.

If you are struggling with self-harm yourself, please find help in a trusted adult right now. Even though these actions may seem like they help, they could eventually develop into even greater struggles like addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even eating disorders, or worse..... In fact, you may be dealing with some of that right now. But, you don't have to suffer alone. You really don't...... Call the crisis hotline at least, where you will speak with someone anonymously.

1-800-273-8255

If you know someone who cuts, have compassion, show them love, embrace them. (Ephesians 4:32). They are struggling and don't know how else to deal with their pain. Don't judge or condemn them. It's not their "fault" or something they're doing to hurt you. God wants to heal them, and you can help. Galatians 6:2 says to "bear one another's burdens." How can you love your friend and show them that they matter to you and to God?

Silence is the enemy of truth. That's how I see many things..... My scars tell a story and I will not be afraid to put a face, a name, even a label to that story. Not anymore. Because the more I can help bring them back from depression, despair, from suicide, the more I know my story is not in vain. The hardest thing to heal from isn't the physical wounds we leave on ourselves, it is the emotional and mental that not just others put on us but what we too put on ourselves....

The next few posts will be similar to this... Yet if you know someone who could use the words I shared here, please share.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

"I see this woman who is really focused, very strong, and her heart is changing toward more love now, She is moving on in life but also trying to build other peoples' lives. She is doing something which she never thought she would do." ~ MoniCa Singh ~ Survived a brutal acid attack and is overcoming.

Medicaid

This is going to be a hot post but one I think I have to do. Healthcare has always been a hot topic for me but even more so recently. In Sunday School this last Sunday we were starting to wrap up our James study so we were reviewing all of James. The one we talked of the most was James 2:1-9 which says:

"My brothers and sisters, do not show prejudice if you possess faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. For if someone comes into your assembly wearing a gold ring and fine clothing, and a poor person enters in filthy clothes, do you pay attention to the one who is finely dressed and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and to the poor person, “You stand over there,” or “Sit on the floor”? If so, have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil motives? Listen, my dear brothers and sisters! Did not God choose the poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor! Are not the rich oppressing you and dragging you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme the good name of the one you belong to? But if you fulfill the royal law as expressed in this scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. But if you show prejudice, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as violators."

Now part of what also got brought up was panhandlers in this area. Some are sincere, others are not. There is one in particular who has been seen as not in need but getting anyway because he can. One said that he refuses to give to any of them, mainly the younger ones because they can get jobs instead.

Honestly the first thought I had was to all the stories I have heard about over the years of kids who are or were homeless. Many of them weren't runners, many of them were simply unwanted, kicked out, abandoned..... What do we do for them? They dirt too? No, dirt wasn't the term used at all but yet the very attitude was there.... I don't hold it against him for saying this but I do think that light needs shown on that.

I also got to thinking of the institutions I was in and out of from 8-15. Mental wards, juvy, short term psych floors at hospitals, foster homes, group homes, etc. Is that how the world saw people like me? I know those that knew me saw me like that but did the rest of the world put us in that mold also? I did grow up feeling very unloved and unwanted for most of my life...... For the reasons that nothing has changed now.... The social statuses we label those around us with. 

Then the question got asked, from James ch. 2 what touched us the most. I mentioned those verses. Why? Not just because of what was said in class but of what has been said of me. My kids get SSI, which is a government based program. That is the only "help" we get. That's it. Yet I have been accused of just sitting at home on my butt doing nothing to better us. I'm told that since I "stay at home all day" I should have a perfect house, I have time to be the perfect housewife and not ask for anything. The best one is "You had your kids, you chose your kids, you deal with it and quit mooching off of everyone else."

I was surprised I didn't start with the tears in class sharing because I started getting fired up on this.... I shared how that despite my husband working full time, with pretty decent insurance, we still have to have Medicaid for my kids.... Therapies and hearing aids are not covered at all under our primary and so much more just isn't covered enough.....  I deal with most everything at home, appointments, meetings, fights with SSI, fights with insurance, I travel alone with the kids for most appointments, sometimes for days out of town. If I worked also, it would hurt us more because we would no longer have Medicaid. I would have to make like at least 40k a year just to break even. No emergency fund or anything. (Not that we have anyway because of SSI rules but...) Imagine trying to get days in a row off at least three or more times a year. Let alone the half days I would have to take to make appointments work. Think I could keep a job with those demands? Let alone keep a job AND make the entire budget balance? I think not...... Let's not get on the subject of when my kids needs surgeries and miss weeks of school.

Now, as to Medicaid, rumors are all over the place in this state. Arkansas is ranked as one of the worst in good care for those on Medicaid. Yet many of us fear that the direction Arkansas politicians are taking it will only make it worse. One representative has personally told me that Medicaid either cuts services or goes bankrupt. They are not looking at other options for revenue. They assume that raising taxes is the only option.

Here's some of what is being said by the "fat cat bureaucrats who run the show yet know nothing about medical necessity." Now granted Roger Marshall is in Kansas while Charlie Collins is in Arkansas but you see where things come in here.

   Source

From Twitter

None of these people consider families and individuals with disabilities. Or at least they don't show it.... It takes into consideration what providers want, how to save money for big health care, and puts too much power out to too few people. That's the goal in this....


Here's the goal for cutting Medicaid federally, let alone via the states. Arkansas is ranked among the lowest in the US for not just healthcare but also for Medicaid coverage as it is.

    

     

   

Let's break that down:

There is even discrimination among those who need an organ transplant. Don't think it doesn't happen? Here's one mom sharing her story. "I saw an example of discrimination when my son was being evaluated for a lung transplant. At the time, he was a foster child and they were really concerned about his social status." Thankfully the child recovered but they were more concerned about the social status of a child than his need.



Yet even the politicians, all they think of us is lazy leeches who need a job and that all we do is live off of benefits just because we want to. Many have said that too! You read what even Roger Marshall said to a group of many just like him!
Speaking this morning in defense of House Republicans' Obamacare replacement plan, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz said that rather than “getting that new iPhone that they just love,” low-income Americans should take they money they would have spent on it and “invest it in their own health care.”
Source  And another Source 

Let's start with the most generous comparison, and post it that someone wants to buy the most expensive iPhone — a brand new 7 without a contract and with the luxurious “Plus” version's 5.5" screen — which has a sticker price of $769. With tax, that comes to around $800.

Conversely, a year of individual insurance coverage on the open market will run you about $393 per month, or $4,617 per year, per eHealth. For the purpose of this comparison we'll assume you're a healthy individual who doesn't have to worry about deductibles (which run over $4,000 for these plans), and that that $4,617 is all you have to pay.

To put things in perspective for just our family, we pay about 4k a year for insurance. Our co-pay for in network is 35/55 per doctor's visit. Prescriptions range from 20-70 for only covered meds. Deductible is 1k/2k at 80/20 and our out of pocket max for us is 3,500 per individual with a max of 14k. That's all for what is covered. Now, put in everything that is not. The only ones who are on Medicaid in this house are the two kids. That's how they get much of what they need. So let's add all of that up shall we? Not counting ANY prescriptions, to get to where our main insurance will cover 100% of only IN-NETWORK care, we have to shell out up to 20k. I won't give specifics but that would be over 70% of what we get annually. Again as I said earlier, our primary doesn't touch a lot of what the kids need, unlike Medicaid does. Know how much a basic pair of hearing aids cost for a child? I won't even get into the costs of therapies without coverage...... That's more in a year than the cost of your average home! I'll just say that each session of PT, OT or Speech would be about 100 a session. Now times that by 3 types at twice a week minimum. I'll leave it at that. 

So tell me, how in the heck does that compare to an iPhone, which honestly most of those that I know that are on SSI/Medicaid are lucky to have a basic smart phone from Wal-Mart that's no more than 100 bucks. And that has to last for years. Unlike those who typically are on Verizion/AT&T with a smartphone, they pay for a new phone at worst every two years. We have StraightTalk with a basic smartphone that honestly messes up a lot but I deal with it because that is the best we can do. Now even I have to use my phone to track how many migraines my daughter has in a month, what her asthma is doing, her peak flow meter readings twice a day, the medical records that two children's hospitals have, e-mails from physicians, logs to track miles I do for medical trips, and a few more we need.

If only it was as simple as a friggin iPhone vs healthcare..........

Medicaid isn’t a program that people use to “suck off the system”. Medicaid is a lifeline for the most vulnerable to have access to health care and services. What happens when that gets cut? Are people in favor of genocide because that's essentially what will happen..... Think I'm kidding? Many just want to cut the disabled, especially the severely because they "can't contribute to society." Oh wait, doesn't then technically Stephen Hawking fits that description too then. Yet nobody is saying to "cut him off" or that his family "leeched the system." Or let's come back to the States. Christopher Reeve didn't face those comments! Both have done huge things for those around them. Yet the disabled who are not "famous" or "smart" in the eyes of the world are often labeled as "useless"

Double standard much? 

So yeah, many of us are just leeches.... Many of us parents are "just grasping at straws" to allow our kids to have a CHANCE at life.  Oh and by the way, many of us pay taxes. Our house does for sure!

All I see here is Ebenezer Scrooge saying "decrease the surplus population!"

Let me show you this. Quoted from HERE. "Children and adults with disabilities rely on government funded programs to survive. It isn’t because they are leaches on society, but it is because most of them cannot work due to serious health conditions or physical disabilities that prohibit them. These are people that would love to contribute to society but cannot because their bodies or minds won’t allow it. The unemployment rate for people with disabilities is twice that of the national average. In 2015, according to this survey, only 17.5% of people with disabilities were employed. When I think of my son’s future, I see an 82.5% chance that he will never have a job. These statistics are what keep me up at night in fear. If he will be unable to work, he will need some form of assistance to have access to health care and to live. When he is an adult, what happens to him if there is no Medicaid?"
"Medicaid was created in 1965. Care for the poor in the 1950s was done through direct reimbursements to providers. It was calculated on a per-capita basis — the average cash and medical needs of those the programs covered. Those amounts were capped, based on age and demographics. This is quite similar to how many Republican proposals might function. When these capped amounts weren’t enough to pay for the programs, states had to make cuts. They began to restrict who would be covered, what would be covered and how much care beneficiaries could use. Some states refused to cover children at all. Others didn’t cover doctors’ visits or drugs." source

Is that what it's coming to again??? I fear for how many lives will be lost and or seriously affected by this...... 


How are we supposed to say we love and care for each other if this is the attitudes and biases we have? Is this the way the world works? Even those very same ones who claim they are Christian and "follow Christ" do the very least. I don't think Jesus would be like this towards those less fortunate and rich.....


I saw the general attitude recently toward me. A friend asked me how our recent trip to Dallas went. I filled her in on that, then what news I got yesterday morning about my son. The next few weeks will be really interesting...... Medical update HERE but does not have the new info from yesterday in it. Just Dallas mainly.

So anyway,

I was asked why I even had my son anyway when I knew that there was a "risk of defects and him being messed up." She went on to say that "Even with all the crazy stuff in parts of the family and just how ugly some are, along with the medical issues some in that family have I still can't believe you went on and had more children. You had your daughter not knowing the risks but you knew the risks with your son. You shouldn't have even had him. Now you have two who require Medicaid, not just one." Yeah, she went there...... (By the way, her kids are on Medicaid too but in her case, household income doesn't count, for us it does. She plans on having more kids even though one of hers is special needs.) She's not the first or the last I have heard it from. Even some family and church people that would rather see my kids for what's wrong with them than what is right with them. And there is a lot right too..... Yet she isn't the only one to "go there" locally against us.... In reality it's all over this country. The poor, the disabled and our veterans are seen as third class citizens.

So yeah, Jesus did say that there will always be the poor among us but if he said he didn't care about the poor, would he have hung out with them? Would he have rebuked the rich so much?  I think not! Now Jesus didn't "hate" the rich either. However he had words of caution for those who were wealthy because often they relied on their money over God, and were often selfish with what they had.

I've said this before but I think we would have a lot more respect, love and compassion for those around us if we saw each other as equals. God sees us like that so why can't we see each other like that? God doesn't see if someone is white or black. Rich or poor. Popular or ostracized. Talented or not. Bedridden or an Olympic athlete. So why do we? Why most of all those who claim to be Christian do this the worst? Most of those guilty of trying to cut those most vulnerable without trying to even find other solutions are many of the very ones who sit in the pews every Sunday.  When we can get past this, when we can get past the fact that we even if we never admit it, truly feel some deserve more love and compassion than others, till we deal with that, we will never see anyone truly be like Jesus. Most don't even try...... We are more concerned about those abroad then we are those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. Yet so often we boast about how we are helping this country or that country.

I'm not saying that of itself is bad, but shouldn't we be taking care of our own too? How can we boast that we are taking care of others in the world when those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist.

So yes, I'm angry, I'm concerned for my kids and millions like them. I do admit some worry and anxiety. As if us parents don't have enough.

So many are worried about not just quality of life but of preservation of life. With these cuts proposed and the attitudes that we as a society has on those who are on Medicaid for whatever reason, I think we have just cause..... Until we get to the point that everyone, regardless of disability or social status, deserves a quality chance at life, we will have this.....

In church on Sunday, our pastor shared of a time where he went into a nursing home and played the guitar for those who never had visitors. Those forgotten, those abandoned. Those unloved or no longer loved. Yet he did that to show love. Why can't we do that?


Sometimes the person you show yourself to be will be the only love someone else has ever seen. Sometimes you are the only Jesus that anyone has. Sometimes you are the only one who can make a difference in the life of another...

The next post will go more into that....


So yeah, the Medicaid program is in crisis but the rainbow in this is that there are many like me fighting back...... Will you join us? If you are in Arkansas you can join here.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Sometimes you will be the only Jesus people ever see.....

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. John 13:35

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed because they cannot repay you.  For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” (Luke 14:13-14)
“Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins.  And He said, ‘Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them.  For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”  (Luke 21:1-4)