Unleashed

I'm kinda bouncing places in this post. Sunday's sermon was by a guest and I took a lot of notes but also thinking a lot about when I heard a song on Friday.


I heard a song again the other day called Friends Forever. That was a song that I heard during my senior year of high school. Brought back so many memories..... I wasn't popular by any means but I had more friends then and friends that wanted me to do things with them then I do now. I was an extrovert then. I am much more introverted now.

The song talks about all the changes and fears of graduation and after. Where will we be when we turn 25 and all of that. Year wise, my senior year was the best. I was right where I wanted to be in the top band, I had lunch period where I had friends and we all played euchre, talked band and a best friend who I could tell anything to.

I graduated and reality hit. I have seen one friend since high school that I went to school with. My best friend and I had a falling out when I got proof that my then boyfriend was indeed cheating on me with her. He didn't treat me right anyway.... We reconnected later but I have not talked to her in a while. I realized college for what I really wanted to get a career in would never happen, I was lucky to afford the loans for the community college. Yet even that career didn't happen.

I had a lot to learn.....

So often in life, we plan one way and something else becomes.

Yet in that something else, another chapter began in my story.

I have stories to share but what legacy do I have? That was the point of Sunday's sermon.

How did you celebrate holidays as a kid? Time with family? Kids today lose that. We still can prove our faith by our stories. How did you come to know Jesus? How has God proven Himself in your life? Share those stories! Well God has proven himself in many ways. I defied the odds that so many put on me for one. My children are alive and thriving. We are making the bills, we are not homeless, my story has touched others, I have helped others who are starting the medical journey, and more.

We only have so much time to tell our stories, to share how God touched each part of our lives. I regret not sharing more time with my maternal grandpa. I may not have been able to see him as much as I wanted but I failed to write much while in my last group home.... Then the day came where I learned he passed. No more stories, no more flute lessons, no more music talk, no more fishing, no more Christmas..... 20 years later I still wish I had done better but yet I know that even though I couldn't become a music teacher like he was, I am still continuing the music legacy. And now my daughter is too.

We only have so much time before the clock loses it's tock and from there, it's only memories and silence. 

Our job as parents is to raise our children up while we still have time. Teach them up to rise up and take the baton. They will live what we teach them. Not always but we WE parents have the largest impact on our children. If we didn't have that as children, it is up to US, not those around us to break that curse. I was abused and neglected as a child. That doesn't mean I will nor have done that to my children. I made the choice to break that curse, those chains. We are not, especially as adults to turn around and make the world feel sorry for us, to expect everyone else to do things for us or to have everyone enable us. No! We need to grow up, put on our armor and go to war ourselves. Sometimes we have to be wounded before we see that we have to fight back.

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Deuteronomy 6:5-9
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

If you want to leave a spiritual legacy, don't just have accomplishments that are just titles but testimonies, what you did with life. How you impact others. Yet you won't accomplish anything without God. Try all you might, you will get burned out. We have to lead our children and grandchildren to have a heart for God. Are we going to brand our children and grandchildren that they belong to God like a farmer heats a branding iron and marks his cattle as his? Not literally burning our kids but are we going to put a burning fire, a passion in their hearts?

I may not have had positive influences most of my life, and indeed it did affect me but I MAKE THE CHOICE to continue that or not. Same foe you. Just because nobody showed you how to love, how to have mercy, how to share Jesus, doesn't mean you can't.

With that in mind, why can't we receive the hurting, the abused, the homeless, the dirty, the poor like Jesus did? Fear? Now I'm not saying don't take people you don't know into your home. Indeed that could be dangerous. Why not go where they are to show them Jesus? Serve and love on the homeless at the shelter, at a domestic violence shelter, at a children's home.

If church had not been offered to us girls at the last group home, I probably would not have accepted Christ at 14. If we didn't have BACA come in at the shelter for children I used to work at, some of those kids would have never had a father figure or a mother figure play ball with them, cook for them, craft with them, etc. If God had not intervened when I was 12, I would be dead. If I had not gone to my last group home, I don't think I would have ever been seen for the potential I was. It was thanks to two teachers at that school that I finally was seen for something other than worthless. If I had not survived all I did, I would not be as strong of a fighter as I am now. I would not be assertive in what my kids need, and so much more. 

Share your stories! Use the times you have been stuck in your own prison to reflect and grow and therefore break free to help others do the same. Especially the next generation!!

How many moments do we have in life with those around us that we can use as teachable moments? Find something every single day. Wisdom helps others grow.

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~

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Share the big and little God moments in your life. Share those with the world, no matter the reactions you get. Those stories are what show others proof of God. The darker your past was or the darker some moments have been, the brighter those God moments can shine. It may have taken some time to heal. In some ways, the healing never stops, the memories do not go away, the scars will forever remain but it is in HOW you wear those battle scars that tells your story in a good way or a bad way. Letting go is NOT giving up. Letting go is freeing yourself from the bondage holding you back. 

What are you going to do? 

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Rip that leash off, break those chains. Unlock the prison gates and be free. Step out of that dark dungeon of bondage and soul torture. Break out of yours so you can embrace those around you that do finally break free. Guide them, help them learn. You can't have the light shine without some darkness and the light can't be seen as bright without any darkness. A candle shines brighter when surrounded by darkness then it does surrounded by light.

That is how you truly heal.

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BE UNLEASHED!!! BE HEARD!!! BE BOLD!!



DON'T BE AFRAID...... GO ROAR!!!









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Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~ 

Social Media

I could write a novel on this.... Boy could I. I'm kinda going on this from the last blog post...


When you hear that term, what pops into your head first? Facebook? Twitter? Phones? Teenagers?



What comes into mind for me is Facebook and Blogs first. I think about this being a world where people don't talk to each other face to face about life and feelings. They turn to social media in some form or fashion. Sometimes for the better, often for the worse.

I hope you all read this and use this to help someone who you know that might need it. Many people wonder why I am the way I am. I have been told that blogging/sharing will get me this or that bad thing. Yet I see parents out there sharing so much worse than I ever have and they are doing well. Why do I get told to be quiet yet those who share really more then they should are encouraged?


I am taught in Celebrate Recovery to use our stories to help others find healing. And that is what this post is going to be about. I go to Celebrate Recovery for anxiety, anger and co-dependency.


I'm dealing with some emotional healing that I knew I would eventually have to deal with yet dreaded. Mainly stuff in the past but I have daily reminders that I usually just push out of the way or I have other things that have to be dealt with first. I have also been wrestling with myself on where I should be within service in church. If I belong on stage after being there for over ten years as well as some other things..... Part of that comes with the Spiritual Inventory that Celebrate Recovery has us do. This blog is called Rainbow in the Storm for a reason. Not all of my posts will be "light, bright and cheery" nor will they all be "dark, depressing and angry" either. Often they have both. This blog's purpose is in many ways a therapy for me but also through my writing, I have helped others. I know of at least one I kept from suicide due to a past post. Even if all this does is help one but make everyone else ignore me, then so be it. If all this blog does is make people that know me angry and mad at me for "telling too much" yet that post that "told too much" helps someone else find healing then I did what the purpose of this blog is.

This blog has been here for almost two years now. 106 published posts prior to this one. I have had many types of posts. Several about awareness, one about memes and bullying, several on depression and suicide and how to help others, one about how I prayed over a PICU family who just lost their child, and many more. Most of the darker posts I share bits of my past, because sadly much of my life had many dark times to it. It is what it is. Denial or keeping silent just because won't change that. Speaking out will as will knowing that my story helps others. Kids have a heart to trust most anyone. I have a heart that trusts almost nobody because most everyone has burned me. Those who are commanded to love the most, have always loved me the least. It would be nice to be in a world where what people say they did. Where those who promise to be there, pray, love, care or whatever keep that promise. Instead I live in a world where being a hermit brings less pain so therefore I am.

With the rise of social media has also come the floodgates being opened of anyone and everyone being able to post whatever they want under the guise of "just being words online." Many families have been blessed by social media, mine has. My daughter got her wish twice because of social media. We went viral along with BABW because of social media. I have met families I have never seen or only seen once through social media who taught me I was NOT alone in the medical situations we had to face. Even lives can be saved thanks to social media, like this story. The dark side to social media has been sometimes pics stolen to make cruel memes, cyber bullying that has resulted in suicide, people just being rude and hateful just because with no remorse, some people really do share too much and bad things happen. Robberies at times have happened because of someone posting too much info of when they are or are not home on Facebook, etc. There is good and bad to everything. Food is required to survive yet eating too much results into many health issues. Too little water will kill us but so will drinking too much. All good things can become bad in excess.


When we get to the point that our worth is seen in how many likes or comments a post has, we have a serious problem. 




Yet so much good can come also. Many of you do not know my name, nor the names of my children. Some of you do because you know that I write this and a few know why I do. Today all of you will know why by the time I am done. I do not write anonymously just because but I do because it is safer for me to be real that way online.

This blog is my therapy. I have been told to call or text if I need to vent by some people instead of writing. When I tried that approach, at best I was usually ignored or treated like I was a moron for my feelings. At best...... I have been told before that I should just be quiet. I have been told before that I'm going to get CPS called on me for these posts. Yet I have also been thanked for these posts. By a good amount. Some of my posts have been shared a lot. My top viewed post has almost 1000 reads to it. There were several special needs pages on Facebook that have shared more than one of my posts on here. My top 5 viewed posts on here tally up to almost 4,000 reads. I have had many comments (some on the blog itself) of people who loved what I wrote. I have had some who all they saw was bad grammar, (I'm not an English teacher so deal! lol) I have been called a liberal, I have had some who said I shouldn't talk like this or that yet overall most have been glad I shared whatever I did that they read.


Knowing that my blog has helped others will not stop me from writing. Know that. Yet sometimes I get discouraged from wanting to write. Not because I don't have things to say, that's rarely an issue. It is because sometimes I do feel like what I write is meaningless in a world that is so cold and cruel that hate gets one farther than love. The hard thing for us all sometimes is to keep trying to be the light in a world that gets darker by the day.... We can't give up though. We have been encouraged to keep fighting the good fight of faith.

Psychologists often say that there is a curse, that what happens to you, you are destined to do to others. NO! If that was the case, my children would be suffering.... They would have been abused already, they would have been told by many that they were worthless, shouldn't have been born, are a mistake, will never succeed in life, will always be a burden, etc like I was by so many.....

It isn't up to the world to teach and most important to PROVE to my children that the curse can be broken. It is up to me and their dad to prove that. And you know what? We have. So nobody can sit here and say "I am doing this because this is all I know." NO! That may be all you have known but YOU have the power to change. YOU DO!

It's by God's miracle that I'm even here, thriving, living, and yet my kids are happy and doing well. I face struggles to this day that I have to face and conquer daily. We all do! Yet I will never put that burden on my kids.

Yet what saddens me is this world is not what it was when I was a child. I had it "bad" compared to many kids I knew yet at least we knew manners and respect, overall. How I see many kids act today, I would have been eating soap or a belt across my butt for. Yet the suicide rate in this country is really high...... And that breaks my heart. This brings back a lot of memories..... Had not heard this in a while till yesterday. Yet I have no fear sharing my story, even if some wish I would stay silent. I refuse!

In a world where everyone is connected through social media, we are also the most disconnected.

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We go to MOPS (For example) and instead of saying greetings to all the moms, the cliques sit together, talk and all the while their noses are in their phones. I have seen it at schools, church gatherings, and more. Why? I think we are addicted. Social media is a drug. Yet some of us also without social media would have no way of connecting to families who are familiar with where we are, where our journey is, what our journey is. In a world where in the 21st century, those who are looked at as different or disabled are still ostracized. Many are outcasts, despite any way they look at life. That's where social media comes in to be a good thing. That is where those who are truly outcasts in their community can come to make their own. Yet it too has a dark side.... We know these families only by their posts, their words. We do not really know WHO they are, their personality, their stories. Just by the masks they show the world.



We are the most disconnected we have ever been when yet technology is advanced enough that we could be the most connected.

We live in a country where it is still legal to practice Christianity. Yet do we really embrace that? Do we really practice that? Are we quick to listen and slow to speak? (I gotta work on that sometimes too.) There are so many translations of Bibles out there, pretty much any store that sells any books, you can get a Bible. There's many apps for a Bible on your device. How many of us can say we have even 10 verses memorized? 20? Read the entire Bible even once? Yet I bet we all have at least one book that isn't the Bible that we can quote from. Yes, even me..... We have the greatest opportunity to be Christ like in our country yet so often we are not. Christianity according to recent studies is one of the most persecuted religions in the world yet they don't quit sharing despite the risk. What about us here?


We are all so disconnected from so much that we don't know anyone, not even those we say are closest to us. We are so disconnected from reality that I doubt we can name 5 people who we know what their current situation is. I don't mean via Facebook posts know, I mean know face to face know. Have talked to them, even a phone call to know what is going on. 

There is a song called Disconnected by The Goo Goo Dolls. It came out in 1995. Little could they have known that their song would have more meaning now then it did then.

"Disconnected"

Goo Goo Dolls

I don't remember

It doesn't ring a bell

And when you call me everything is swell

I tend to forget about the times we had 

And now it doesn't matter cuz I feel so sad

I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothing's come along, yeah

We've paid the price and now we're both alone 

And if you call me, you'll find me home 

I've found another, someone to take your place 

Now if you don't mind, please get outta of my face

I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothin's come along, yeah

Cuz, I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothing's come along

This is about a break-up but look at the lyrics and put it into today's society.

Which is my goal....... What is yours?

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Ugly Colors?

Today I'm bringing out the "darker, uglier" paint colors, the colors nobody likes so be warned.


I've heard this before. A philosophy teacher has a semester final test. The only question on that test is this:

Why?

Here is what I think:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Either to enlighten you, or to make you take another look at your choices, to either guide you toward something you didn't see or to something you will need to see, or to teach you about where you are headed or to give clarity to what you have already seen and lived. And other times, you are in the wrong place and either those events added to our lives with a little flare or with a lot. Everything falls together in the end....

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~ 

Though driving home from a Bible Study last night, all that was there was the road, my thoughts and the crescent moon in the sky. (Pic from an old shot where I was not driving.)

Thoughts of where I have been in life, where I am, where I wished I was,  where I would possibly be had this or that been different. Not thoughts in regret but more in inquiries. Driving, especially not in traffic my brain just lulls in thoughts. Every trip to and from Dallas especially but to and from Little Rock also really brings it out more. 

Two of the recent thoughts I had I will share, either boldly or being foolish. 


I've brought this up on Facebook before and usually got lectured for it but I think it's a legitimate question. How come is it that when families are in need of prayer, some get a ton of support, profile pics changed, money raised, clusters of prayer time, long time and term support. Yet there are other families out there largely ignored, even though they have the same needs..... Is it all just a popularity contest? The more popular gets the greater support?

When I have raised this question in the past, I have been told several answers (opinions). It's because your kids aren't sick enough. It's because you have ongoing. It's because they look healthy. It's because you chose to have special needs kids. I just need to be thankful I have people that pray for us at all. And more. 
Too many people see my children as a diagnosis, not as who they are as human beings..... Society has soooo much to do with that... 

Is that what it's REALLY about?

I wonder if we put so much focus on prayer and action that instead of popularity contests, this would really would be a better place if we quit putting social or economic status on people. Is that why we have so many homeless even in our country because nobody wants to deal with that? 

I know the journey will have storms and sunshine, darkness and light, rain and desert, cold and heat. And eventually it will all be over and Heaven will abound with everything good. I wonder if then is where I will get answers to so many of these questions.

Another question I have had before is this: (I know this will step on toes..) How is divorce and remarriage so rampant in society and church overlooked yet sins that man sees as less are that much more criticized? Shouldn't it all be equal like it is to God? Salvation doesn't just give us free reign to do what we want, quite the opposite actually! When I have asked that question, I'm told to quit judging, take the plank out of my eye, (I'm married to the same man first marriage for both of us for almost 13 years now) etc. How is a question judging? I think it's legitimate. There are many more questions like this I have yet I remain silent....

In the end all that will matter is not legalism within any church or sect, it will be if YOU have salvation through Christ. Through that salvation, how many lives will you change? How many will feel love and light from you?

That's the purpose in this blog for me. To share my thoughts, my heart, my stories AND also share light. I don't preach in here, or at least not my intent. This is for me to be real with whomever is reading it. Hopefully to bring words of comfort or light to you in the midst of a storm you or a loved one is in.

You can't have the light shine without some darkness and the light can't be seen as bright without any darkness. A candle shines brighter when surrounded by darkness then it does surrounded by light.

What beauty dwells in the heart of those tortured, 

That feel love so deep but hatred stains. 

Sadness upon there brow. 

Theses tortured once bright. 

Will almost never return to the light.

I was lucky.... I was one that came back to the light. Yet sometimes the darkness, the sadness, uncertainty, the thoughts, the questions with no answers, the feelings, the puzzles in life visit. It's in those moments that blog posts are born.

I have been told many times that I need to learn to be quiet, to quit blogging, all I do is chase people away. If that was truly the case then how is it that sharing my story, writing this blog, has helped some people? I blog because that's how I share pieces of my life, thoughts, feelings, my heart. It's where I can share where I am and know somewhere out there, it is helping someone else.

It honestly bothers me that we as a society have come to where we have..... Social media was intended to get people to connect, to know more people. Yet it is the opposite. We as a society are more infatuated with "likes" "friends" and political posts than we are people. We are quick to tell people "hi" but do not want further conversation. We see new people come into a social gathering and pretend they don't exist because we don't want them in our clique. We would rather leave the person who stays at home frequently fighting battles so few know about then to invite them to lunch and risk hearing their real story. We would rather say we are Christian than to really act like one. We would rather just go to church, pretend to listen to the sermon and figure we did our "christian" duty than to really step out on faith and be like Christ REALLY commanded us to be. We would rather be cold or lukewarm......


I think all of us no matter what we believe can agree with this: Society is not what it was when we were children. It is darker, the world is darker, there is much more distance, sadness, sorrow, anger, hate and more in this world than there was even 15 years ago.

YET! 

See how it is so dark here? You can see the end but nothing in between. That is life. That darkness is the unknowns in life, the loneliness, the sadness, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the depression, the worry, the whatever you want to call it. 

Yet this one, once light is shown even briefly, a camera flash, I can see the whole area. The big picture with everything in it. 

Eventually answers and reasons will be even clearer than that...... All of the colors will blend together to make the masterpiece. It is sad that those in today's society are so superficial and not even willing to see the world around them. The people around them, the numerous stories just waiting to be told. Mankind would rather paint everyone as gray, than to see the entire spectrum of colors just waiting to be seen and heard.


Will we ever get back to that? To the point where instead of painting those around us with ugly colors, we instead look at them as an blank canvas and start getting to know what all potential that canvas has? Will we see those around us as art, as masterpieces made by the Creator in this world or will we continue to only see the world as fallen and ugly? We may have to live in this fallen world but we choose how we will be to those around us. Not the other way around.

"The man stood over the endless battlefield. His gaze fixed on what was once his best friend, now dead. "Why?" He thought to himself, why indeed. He had no idea what he was fighting for anymore. Why must he lose a precious friend over another rich man's war? He stood there. Heart broken. Why? Because such is the life of a warrior. He will keep fighting until the day he may join his friend honorably." 

I found that today. Battlefield to me being life, overall. The dead friend being broken dreams, broken wishes, broken love, broken hopes. Yet the warrior does not give up. 

The world needs more peace and humility. Hope will always be somewhere.

Now given history on answers I have seen on that "Why?" question, I would probably fail that exam but now you have heard mine.


I will not quit blogging though. This blog to me is an empty canvas with each post. Each post is it's own unique reason for being written, sometimes even I don't know or see the full potential. Each post is there wiling for someone else to read and be touched by the words given. Each story, each person has a reason and purpose for being shared and heard.

Life is a broken road, with so much potential to find the beauty in the brokenness. Yet so often we instead take it all in and see the ugly instead of the potential. The broken road is harder to navigate on but in being forced to go slower, we can better look around us and see the world around us. If we choose.

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The question is: Are we willing to shut up and be still long enough to hear those around us?

"What I see beyond these mountains are just another lonely roads, broken and fixed. But Yet I choose the broken road because no one dares to venture on these unknown strips of broken concretes, I dare because I'm the only one... the only one alone." 
~ Unknown ~



I may walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. I don't know where it goes but I know where it ends. It is home to me, and I walk alone. However in the walk alone, I have also seen many places to stop and share my story, share open arms while they are sobbed in, share my heart to someone who feels like suicide is the answer, share the medical journey to someone just starting. I could go on. It is my road but I am choosing what to do with it. I am choosing what colors to paint it, I don't always have the perfect palate in mind compared to what I am given but once every single canvas comes together, the masterpiece then will all make sense and all the beauty will be seen clearly. Ugly and beautiful colors alike.

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~ Special Momma ~ 

Paint Colors

Our pastor was talking about spiritual gifts. I still don't know what my purpose really is. Everyone says I have one but do I really? James study earlier that morning talked about the seasons between the rains. Rains in this sense of spiritual pouring onto your soul. Rains of really feeling God. Was I intended to be a desert in that sense? I have felt rain but it's few and far between. Why? When the rain in this sense comes, it feels amazing but is short.

I feel as if my gift is sharing my story, my journey yet to hopefully encourage others in that. Yet why no clarity? Why backlash from those around me for speaking? Granted I shouldn't grumble over that because Jesus spoke and was really an outcast for it. Yet He was the savior of the world! Our pastor talked about gifts as being colors of paint and how it all blends in different ways. Sometimes we see ugly colors yet they are all colors AND beautiful to God. So why don't we see it like that? Sometimes I think I was once a beautiful blend of colors when I was born but over the years many "ugly" colors got added due to things in my life and so many placements starting when I was 8, that since all of that, The only colors most everyone had seen with me since I was a very young child were the ugly ones. I'm often told even to this day that most of my battles I face, I brought on myself. Hence why I also struggle with if it's atonement or not when I face trials.....

Seeing a dad cuddle his teen daughter at church today was nice to see but I did feel a twinge of jealousy..... I have struggled my whole life with wondering if I was ever truly loved and cherished. Oh yeah I was told "I love you" by two mainly but I rarely felt like I was truly loved, cherished, missed or whatever for the most part by anyone else. Pretty much everything was conditional. My first placement when I was 8 was the first time I really was told by adults (Beyond my father) that I would never make it, that I would either be in prison, on the streets or in a psych ward for my life. Before I was 18, I had been or still was on a slew of psych meds with diagnoses ranging from ADHD and depression all the way to psychotic and bipolar. Yet I have overcome all of that. I proved everyone wrong! I thank God for His provisions! Okay I do have ADHD but in most cases I deal with that well. I do have some anxiety also.... However if you all survived and saw the stuff I have, you would understand.... Some of the best paint colors in my life was/is music, marching band, my husband and my children. Some of the worst were from people that should have loved and nutured me, and also the darkest time when I was 12..... I remember many of those colors/days like they were yesterday.... 

So many colors of paint yet do you feel like all you are seen as is ugly? I don't mean appearance, I mean inside.  By how the world paints you. I often do and think that that's why I'm such an outcast here....

He went on with the lesson notes. The three that I felt like were perhaps me I talk about next.


Gift of prophecy is proclaiming the truth. Truth of God. That was one of the notes in the sermon. His example cracked me up. Bold, honest and often seen as judgmental. Many think of prophecy as telling the future, Revelation type thing. Not JUST that. Sounds like me.... lol I'm not afraid to call things out and to be brutally honest, even I admit though I'm not always right. And I certainly try to be tactful but sometimes, tact is thrown out out of a 20 story window. lol

Teaching was listed to clearly instruct and communicate truth. "Man, this person needs to learn this. This an opportunity for teaching the truth." Well,if that's the case then all parents of kids with special needs would do that as a start! How often do you have to educate those around you and your kids about life, talk about blessings and hardships.

The last one that touched me was the gift of Mercy. Compassionate to those in distress. So many opportunities of that this journey has brought.... First time my son was in the PICU is one that sticks out....The gift of mercy means you are compassionate toward those who are in distress.



Yet sometimes I wish I had encouragement.....Often I don't, especially in the real world. I can see things online that encourages me but that's impersonal. The world is full of people willing to stab others in the back and full of hate.... Even often in places where you would least expect it. Everyone is so busy, so wrapped up in their life, their world that they forget about those who they even see as family or friends. Often I'm judged, looked down upon and or condemned for the things I say or post. More often, I struggle with just keeping my mouth shut feeling like others don't want to hear me. I admit sometimes I have a potty mouth, I try to keep it tamed. I really do. Yet I have been judged more harshly for that than those I see that sin "worse" than that...... That's not right either. 


One of the phrases that the tail end of the James study says is:

This makes me want to touch on something else in this post. If I didn't step on toes already, I will with this part. You've had your disclaimer.

I saw a pic on Facebook that I want you to really look at.

I said with this:

Till we are pro-life for the unborn AND the already born, we are not truly pro-life. Till we get ourselves to the mindset that no child deserves or does not deserve fair treatment, nourishment, love and healthcare, we will never be pro-life. When we see that ALL children have a right to those things and should be given as such, we will never be truly pro-life.

It's not about the rich deserve life and the poor do not. Either all do or do not. I vote that all do. Quit preaching right to life if you are not willing to help those have a quality of life. Don't insist on birth but then wash your hands of those children in need.

Where is your mercy and compassion?

Where is our mercy and compassion for all of those suffering? For all of those in need? For those honestly trying to make everything work and still failing... Are we all so cold anymore that we lost that? We are quicker to judge those around us than we are to stop, pray and maybe learn a little about them. I"m not saying that all of your money should go to those who are NOT doing anything to better themselves. HOWEVER maybe at least learn the stories of those around us, maybe then we can have more mercy and compassion for not just who they are but why they are the way they are. 

I first started to share my past with others when I was 11, almost 12. I got called a liar, I was told by my counselor at the time that I was a liar, that I made everything up and that I will never be believed. Soon after, that is when I wanted to kill myself..... I had nobody then..... In my mind I did not... Even soon after when I was in my 4th/5th (Same place twice. First time a few days, second time two weeks) placement, I was alone, nobody listened to me. They would rather drug me up and diagnose me with whatever labels they wanted than to listen to me. Even at my 6th placement, I was not heard..... I was no longer suicidal by the time I got out of no. 6 but I knew I was alone..... I was no longer in any placement by 15 1/2, I had just left my 8th placement. I didn't really begin to heal though till I was 20. 


Those in this world who were commanded to love like Christ, loved me the least. 

 
That was my world, overall my life. And I still struggle with it...... That's why stuff like what I'm about to say upsets me. It is NOT what we are commanded to be.... 

This is not who we are called to be..... Do I agree with the lifestyles sometimes? NO! Does that mean they are less than me? NO!! What were we taught? Love like Christ loved.


“Give me your tired, your poor, 
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: 
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

― Emma Lazarus


What happened to this? Now I'm not saying that everyone should just have free reign. However banning people, blaming all for the actions of a few, hatred, racism, etc. There isn't excuses for that... We need to keep our country safe indeed, keep the world safe... Yet this is also a fallen world.... And banning people just because they LOOK like terrorists for example is not what Emma had in mind.... Nor did God. 
 


Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

James 1:17
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

1 John 3:17
But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

Romans 12:13
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Galatians 6:2
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Philippians 2:4
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Acts 20:35
In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’


Shall I say more?


Eph 2:19-22
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,
And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.


Maybe if you use your paint colors, your spiritual gifts to make this world a better place, than those around you will not appear so "ugly" just because they aren't like you...... 


If people around you refuse to help themselves, we are commanded to love them anyway. However we are NOT commanded to enable their behavior or to act fools. We are not to tell them when they come to you upset that they are idiots and they asked for whatever. Even if they did, you show them love and compassion without enabling or encouraging the negative behavior. I'm nobody's doormat and I refuse to be however I have no problems listening to what stories or advice people seek. I tell them what I think.... I do not always do that as I should but I try.... God is working on me. 

Think about this though, what colors are you painting yourself and the world around you? What colors are you throwing onto others without even knowing them or their story, or simply what their day is like? Before throwing them under the bus, listen to their story, show compassion, look at life from their perspective. 

We whine and complain about how the world sees us as Christians, maybe it's time that instead of whining, we show action. We show what Christ really commanded of us. THEN maybe the world will judge us a little less. Besides, we aren't supposed to live as if we love what is in this world anyway, we should live for what comes after. 

Maybe if those who said they followed Jesus had loved me the way they should have, I wonder if my darkest point would have happened...... Yet because of that story, I know I have helped others, and maybe, just maybe that's when the healing really started. When I knew my story has shown others that they are not alone in a world that has no qualms about making them feel as if they are. 


Now go out there and share your story. Impact a life, encourage and give them hope......
 

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

~ Special Momma ~  

GPS

To my Garmin GPS:
Voice Command!
"Say a command"
Find Place!
"Speak the name of a place."

"Ummmmm so where really am I? I have no idea where I am but I know where the destination is but what the heck is around me in the meantime?"


With GPS, you know where you are starting and where your final destination is. It tells you how far and how long. Yet unless you search for it, you are at it's mercy on the route it takes you. Even it doesn't know ahead of time of traffic, construction or any other delays that may come your way. The GPS I have has traffic updates on it so at least I can know what to expect ahead but even sometimes it doesn't always work.

How life works..... I know where my destination ultimately will be yet all of the curves, hills, mountains, valleys, "spooky" places, the really dark places, the sunny places, the storms, etc. GPS doesn't help with that.

Really I'm kinda all over in this post today. I was thinking about the journey, how much of a dark place I was almost two weeks ago, my last blog post touched a little on that. Crazy how some weeks can feel like such a roller coaster..... We have battles still going and going... No end in sight. I remember well the night of January 3rd recently. It was already a bad week and I was just getting pushed and pushed..... It's what spawned the last blog post but it wasn't to the peak yet.... Tuesday night I was driving headed to a small study I'm in. It's amazing I was even able to drive..... I was raging in the car. I was listening to this and raging..... I knew the next day I would have yet another fight to face and I was already worn and weary...... I won't even repeat half of what I said but I'll just say that I'm glad God has broad shoulders and can take what I dish at Him.... Yeah I did.... I was sobbing, yelling, words flew out that you would have been shocked to hear, you name it..... I was angry! I went to study, shared about that moment and going home I listened to this sobbing and yelling in the car again, yet more out of despair.....  That was the day I lost hope... Yeah I really did....

Here are some of the lyrics:

"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left"

I felt better by the time I got home but things weren't over yet..... I had not lost my faith but I had stumbled in the dark, I was wounded, bleeding and with nobody willing to find me and help me heal.

Silence sometimes is the loudest noise to ever be heard. 

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Those two days I felt like there was a cannon pointed at my face point blank range and at anytime someone with more power than me, was going to pull the trigger. (No I'm not talking suicide so don't get that in your head.) I mean that the fight was over, those with greater strength and numbers than me were going to win this anyway. I was just exhausted..... I was fed up,broken, I had lost almost all hope..... I was just done being the only one fighting..... God promises to provide everything we need yet that's felt like it was dangling in front of my face with breath being what would break the string..... I walked into that battle the next day and my heart felt like I was walking to the gallows..... Anxiety is real guys..... So are scars. Scars prove we survived, even the scars that nobody else sees, let alone understands.

I bought this the day I saw it, the day of the last battle for my kids.... Which I still have more work to do on that battle because things aren't getting done again..... 

Yet I can't help but think on this: 

I'm not going to get political here. However a lot of changes are happening in the world of healthcare, The ACA and Medicaid/Medicare programs across the country are changing, and without any answers, a lot of people are concerned, me being one.

I was not a fan of some of the stuff yet the idea that my children will not be punished for having a preexisting condition nor be "kicked off" after a 1M cap, which both have surpassed, were two of the biggest parts that children like mine need, and millions more children out there.


Is this what the world really has become? Even Jake in Avatar was "disabled" yet he went on to win a war that he didn't think could be won.


Yet I know we are some of the lucky ones thus far.... Sometimes it makes me wonder how much longer we will be lucky on getting things covered for the kids.... Yet it also makes me think on what plans God really has for them.

Though living in fear, anxiety of the next ball being dropped is no way to live either..... Fear is from the devil. That's what I hard on the radio Saturday... I prayed that I would no longer have fear and anxiety over seeing the SSI building, even driving by it, I would have no fear by letters that come in the mail, my anxiety would be gone when I have to speak to them.....
I saw one of the workers at church Sunday morning during praise and worship. I couldn't focus on my flute music because just by seeing her, my heart went in my chest and it got tight.....

What is wrong with me? Anxiety is real...... I would rather see all of the doctors my children see then to feel fear on stage and my music having nothing to do with it......

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So why am I struggling so much with this? I know God is in control, I know ultimately the war is already won, He has a plan that will ultimately be for the greater good so why the struggle? Why do I feel like I am getting nowhere? I have always struggled with seeing the bright side in things. I try, I really do but in my mind, I can't seem to help myself but wonder when the shoe will drop, what's the catch, etc. Nothing is unconditional in my mind.... It's hard not to think that when things are messed up or go wrong that it's my atonement or punishment for something I did or didn't do before.

Yet my heart has always been towards those who have had it bad. I like hearing their stories, I like sharing mine. My heart has always been with those who have been abused, neglected, hated, despised, rejected, disowned, and more...... So many look at them and ignore them or just throw the book at them. Oh yeah crimes need punished yet they weren't born thinking they will turn out like that. I didn't..... I got out of my pit..... I have fallen in others over the years but nothing like the one when I was 12 and was literally ready to be six feet under.....

Yet I still struggle too..... Yet knowing that this blog, my story, the journey with my kids, has helped others makes it all worth it...... Even on the dark days...

So often I have fallen off the path, I have fallen off a cliff, into thorns, not knowing where I am or even sometimes how I got there. Most of the times I had to figure out how to get out on my own, wounded or not, bleeding or not, I had to pull myself up and out.

Yet by being alone, I have learned how to do it on my own, with nobody else. As frustrating as being alone is sometimes, it made me learn to do it and also made me see that I can do it. It made me see that even if everyone else has left, which often has, that I alone with God can do it..... There are days I think I can't..... There are days that I'm just ready to say screw the world and just forget about everything. Yet I don't. And I won't.


Because I know out there, someone needs me, someone needs my story, someone needs to see that struggles hurt like hell but they make us stronger. Even in a storm of my own with my son's first major surgery, I was able to help and pray over another family.... That is what I gotta focus on.

Pray with me on this..... That I can see the bigger picture..... Pray that instead of me watching for every storm cloud that heads my way with anxiety that I can focus on the sun that is shining in the moment..... That when I get caught up in appointment planning, financials, travel, therapies, meetings, etc. that I focus on what really matters......


My GPS may be taking me in places that I have no idea, that I fear, that I dread yet I need to remember that I will be traveling to wonderful places also, I just gotta focus on where I am on the map and find the gems in that among the coal and ashes....... And most of all to overcome the fear and anxiety of the journey.....


Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Stumbling in Darkness

"....they are children stumbling in the dark, searching for guidance. A gift can often be a curse. Give someone wings, and they may fly too close to the sun." ~ Charles Xavier from X-Men Apycalypse ~

This is me..... I saw this movie for the first time the other day and didn't really have the quote sink in till I watched it again to catch the stuff I missed the first time. Charles explains me perfectly, except I'm not a "mutant" despite that often I wonder if there is a defect with me...... "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

Ephesians 3:16‭-‬19 NLT

Why is this such a struggle for me? "Willpower is a very poor strategy for the ongoing transformation of our character in the Christian life." Is that it? My willpower sucks? If growing spiritually = less sinful behavior (Col. 2:6-7) than why do I struggle with where my place is? Where am I? Where should I be right here, right now?

In James, Sunday morning we were talking about judgment. For a time I was facing a period, especially after my son was born, where I would feel like I was judged by many, mainly for having another special needs child. I also have for them being on SSI/Medicaid. What choice do I have? I could go on a healthcare and insurance rant but not now. There are times I still struggle with it.... I'm not guiltless, in fact, probably in feeling the judgment/condemnation from others, I too have judged them.... It's one reason why I'm better as a hermit so often. Less hurt. So therefore the less I'm around others, the less they can do to me and if they truly cared, they would check on me, and they don't. Texts go unanswered, I sit alone, Everything is small talk.... I'm used to people giving up on me, it's nothing new. So many say they won't but they all eventually do. Eventually. Their silence is telling, but I can't make myself listen......

Yet a devotional that was sitting on a bathroom counter suggested that we talk and feel about our faith as If we were madly in love with someone and that's all we think and talk about. I know I'm saved yet why has my heart never felt that? Do I not know how? Do I lack faith? An I unworthy compared to those that do feel their faith like that? Is that why I have always fought feeling love from anyone? Everything is conditional in life, so is that why my struggle? I feel like God is conditional even though I don't think that's my issue. I know God's love isn't conditional as He can forgive the "worst of the worst" yet then why do I not have that fire within me? Has my heart been beaten so much and relentlessly the last 30+ years that now I'm numb?

Is it that with this cold, heartless world that I too have grown cold? Not cold in hate filled but in that I would anymore rather stay a hermit at home than deal with with the fact that I'm a social outcast, a pebble in everyone's shoes that they would rather well rid of me. So cold in the sense of distant. Like how I explained earlier..... If you have seen the first three "prequels" to the X-Men, you learn the stories of especially how Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr begin their journeys. I told my husband that in some ways I relate to Erik the most. Of course I have not done much of what he has, yet because of their early lives, I understand Erik the most. Are these struggles why everyone gives up on me? Almost everyone I have ever known since I was born gave up on me. 99% of everyone has, and I feel like it's a matter of time before the rest do. Why would it stop now? I'm thankful that those in my house have not. At least not yet. My words to God right now would be this: "Sorry I'm not everything I wanted to be for you. I know it's not too late because until time runs out, it's not over. Yet I wish I knew why these struggles..... I try so hard to keep finding the rainbow in the storm, the silver lining, the candle among the darkness. Yet sometimes it's so hard..... Sometimes our feelings are so deep, they become our graves.... One can't trust feelings yet when all I hear in my heart is silence, how do I know what and where I should be? What is my place in the grand scheme of things? We are all but pieces of tiny grains of sand in the vast universe. We all were born and someday we all will die. Even the wealthiest can't postpone eventual death. Pride comes before a fall and so we should stay humble as we are all worth the same, right?" If we are all worth the same to God, then why can't we see each other like that? Why must we rank those around us as we do? Why can't you sit by the "nerd" the "outcast" the "ugly" the "social outcast" the "outsider" or even the "She's not from here" person? Why do we all make promises than break them like shattered glass? When that glass breaks, do you know who and what you really pierce with it as the shards fall? Do you care to know? Do you know what your words and actions really mean? Do you not see that the words spoken or not spoken can impact those around you for a lifetime? Think on that.... 

 ~ Special Momma ~