GPS

To my Garmin GPS:
Voice Command!
"Say a command"
Find Place!
"Speak the name of a place."

"Ummmmm so where really am I? I have no idea where I am but I know where the destination is but what the heck is around me in the meantime?"


With GPS, you know where you are starting and where your final destination is. It tells you how far and how long. Yet unless you search for it, you are at it's mercy on the route it takes you. Even it doesn't know ahead of time of traffic, construction or any other delays that may come your way. The GPS I have has traffic updates on it so at least I can know what to expect ahead but even sometimes it doesn't always work.

How life works..... I know where my destination ultimately will be yet all of the curves, hills, mountains, valleys, "spooky" places, the really dark places, the sunny places, the storms, etc. GPS doesn't help with that.

Really I'm kinda all over in this post today. I was thinking about the journey, how much of a dark place I was almost two weeks ago, my last blog post touched a little on that. Crazy how some weeks can feel like such a roller coaster..... We have battles still going and going... No end in sight. I remember well the night of January 3rd recently. It was already a bad week and I was just getting pushed and pushed..... It's what spawned the last blog post but it wasn't to the peak yet.... Tuesday night I was driving headed to a small study I'm in. It's amazing I was even able to drive..... I was raging in the car. I was listening to this and raging..... I knew the next day I would have yet another fight to face and I was already worn and weary...... I won't even repeat half of what I said but I'll just say that I'm glad God has broad shoulders and can take what I dish at Him.... Yeah I did.... I was sobbing, yelling, words flew out that you would have been shocked to hear, you name it..... I was angry! I went to study, shared about that moment and going home I listened to this sobbing and yelling in the car again, yet more out of despair.....  That was the day I lost hope... Yeah I really did....

Here are some of the lyrics:

"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left"

I felt better by the time I got home but things weren't over yet..... I had not lost my faith but I had stumbled in the dark, I was wounded, bleeding and with nobody willing to find me and help me heal.

Silence sometimes is the loudest noise to ever be heard. 

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Those two days I felt like there was a cannon pointed at my face point blank range and at anytime someone with more power than me, was going to pull the trigger. (No I'm not talking suicide so don't get that in your head.) I mean that the fight was over, those with greater strength and numbers than me were going to win this anyway. I was just exhausted..... I was fed up,broken, I had lost almost all hope..... I was just done being the only one fighting..... God promises to provide everything we need yet that's felt like it was dangling in front of my face with breath being what would break the string..... I walked into that battle the next day and my heart felt like I was walking to the gallows..... Anxiety is real guys..... So are scars. Scars prove we survived, even the scars that nobody else sees, let alone understands.

I bought this the day I saw it, the day of the last battle for my kids.... Which I still have more work to do on that battle because things aren't getting done again..... 

Yet I can't help but think on this: 

I'm not going to get political here. However a lot of changes are happening in the world of healthcare, The ACA and Medicaid/Medicare programs across the country are changing, and without any answers, a lot of people are concerned, me being one.

I was not a fan of some of the stuff yet the idea that my children will not be punished for having a preexisting condition nor be "kicked off" after a 1M cap, which both have surpassed, were two of the biggest parts that children like mine need, and millions more children out there.


Is this what the world really has become? Even Jake in Avatar was "disabled" yet he went on to win a war that he didn't think could be won.


Yet I know we are some of the lucky ones thus far.... Sometimes it makes me wonder how much longer we will be lucky on getting things covered for the kids.... Yet it also makes me think on what plans God really has for them.

Though living in fear, anxiety of the next ball being dropped is no way to live either..... Fear is from the devil. That's what I hard on the radio Saturday... I prayed that I would no longer have fear and anxiety over seeing the SSI building, even driving by it, I would have no fear by letters that come in the mail, my anxiety would be gone when I have to speak to them.....
I saw one of the workers at church Sunday morning during praise and worship. I couldn't focus on my flute music because just by seeing her, my heart went in my chest and it got tight.....

What is wrong with me? Anxiety is real...... I would rather see all of the doctors my children see then to feel fear on stage and my music having nothing to do with it......

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So why am I struggling so much with this? I know God is in control, I know ultimately the war is already won, He has a plan that will ultimately be for the greater good so why the struggle? Why do I feel like I am getting nowhere? I have always struggled with seeing the bright side in things. I try, I really do but in my mind, I can't seem to help myself but wonder when the shoe will drop, what's the catch, etc. Nothing is unconditional in my mind.... It's hard not to think that when things are messed up or go wrong that it's my atonement or punishment for something I did or didn't do before.

Yet my heart has always been towards those who have had it bad. I like hearing their stories, I like sharing mine. My heart has always been with those who have been abused, neglected, hated, despised, rejected, disowned, and more...... So many look at them and ignore them or just throw the book at them. Oh yeah crimes need punished yet they weren't born thinking they will turn out like that. I didn't..... I got out of my pit..... I have fallen in others over the years but nothing like the one when I was 12 and was literally ready to be six feet under.....

Yet I still struggle too..... Yet knowing that this blog, my story, the journey with my kids, has helped others makes it all worth it...... Even on the dark days...

So often I have fallen off the path, I have fallen off a cliff, into thorns, not knowing where I am or even sometimes how I got there. Most of the times I had to figure out how to get out on my own, wounded or not, bleeding or not, I had to pull myself up and out.

Yet by being alone, I have learned how to do it on my own, with nobody else. As frustrating as being alone is sometimes, it made me learn to do it and also made me see that I can do it. It made me see that even if everyone else has left, which often has, that I alone with God can do it..... There are days I think I can't..... There are days that I'm just ready to say screw the world and just forget about everything. Yet I don't. And I won't.


Because I know out there, someone needs me, someone needs my story, someone needs to see that struggles hurt like hell but they make us stronger. Even in a storm of my own with my son's first major surgery, I was able to help and pray over another family.... That is what I gotta focus on.

Pray with me on this..... That I can see the bigger picture..... Pray that instead of me watching for every storm cloud that heads my way with anxiety that I can focus on the sun that is shining in the moment..... That when I get caught up in appointment planning, financials, travel, therapies, meetings, etc. that I focus on what really matters......


My GPS may be taking me in places that I have no idea, that I fear, that I dread yet I need to remember that I will be traveling to wonderful places also, I just gotta focus on where I am on the map and find the gems in that among the coal and ashes....... And most of all to overcome the fear and anxiety of the journey.....


Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~