Blind Faith and Belief/Living in Christ

A great soul, with a great purpose, can make a weak body strong and keep it so... 

~Mark Twain

We view God the closest to how we saw our Earthly father. That's what I have been told. 

If that is the case then God should see me as worthless, used, nothing, bad, never doing anything right, etc. I know that's not true but honestly it is a struggle..... 

"In my research on rejection, I discovered two core fears that feed a person’s sensitivity to rejection: The fear of being abandoned The fear of losing one’s identity As a little girl, being abandoned and losing my identity weren’t words I would have used. But rejection’s sting was a feeling I knew well. When a man is physically present but emotionally absent, a girl’s heart can feel quite hollow and helpless. This is true whether that man is her father, her husband, or even a man whom she deeply respects."

― Lysa TerKeurst

It wasn't just my father, but most everyone. All but 3 teachers in all my years of school had any faith in me. All of the rest treated me and acted like I was a reject who would get nowhere. For family I was never good enough, I was messed up all the time, I also would most likely not be productive to society, I wasn't smart enough, etc. Up till my senior year of high school, I was completely the social outcast, the reject, the "different" one because I did have a lot of baggage.... As a start.. I won't get onto the subject of physical appearances.

I was unloved, uncherished, rejected, despised, hated, given up on, and more.....

Hence you see why it is sometimes hard for me to keep the faith sometimes, especially when at times it is completely blind? Yet I have to.......

I pray eventually I come to this: "My whole life I’ve searched for a love to satisfy the deepest longings within me to be known, treasured , and wholly accepted. When You created me, Lord, Your very first thought of me made Your heart explode with a love that set You in pursuit of me. Your love for me was so great that You, the God of the whole universe, went on a personal quest to woo me, adore me, and finally grab hold of me with the whisper, “I will never let you go.” Lord, I release my grip on all the things I was holding on to, preventing me from returning Your passionate embrace. I want nothing to hold me but You. So, with breathless wonder, I give You all my faith, all my hope, and all my love. I picture myself carrying the old, torn-out boards that inadequately propped me up and placing them in a pile. This pile contains other things I can remove from me now that my new intimacy-based identity is established. I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me."
― Lysa TerKeurst


As another trip to Dallas fast approaches, many thoughts arise, usually the same ones. My daughter is due for her MRI. She will have to go from 430am till after her MRI at 1230 with nothing to eat nor drink. Clear liquid cutoff is at 8am. I'm used to it but a kid never does get used to that, especially since her brother will require breakfast. This will be a first honestly managing that by myself. I'll survive that. I wonder what news I'll hear.... I'm not as nervous about her appointments for this as much as I would be for my son's simply because his is a little more complex but I still wonder what I'll hear and if anything needs done anytime soon.....



There are a few other things that honestly cause some anxiety going on but there isn't anything I can do about that..... All of that is always at the mercy of others....

So much blind faith required in life.....

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I honestly sometimes struggle with that. God is not a genie and you get whatever you wish, I know that. We are also in a fallen world so there is a lot of bad that is around us and happens to us. Yet I think many of us get hurt when we pray like this verse says and things don't work out like we expect.

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I see it much like that pic. Jesus won't "fix" everything but we don't face them alone. Too bad it doesn't work like a magical genie huh? :) However even Job didn't give up. Jesus himself prayed that this "cup" be taken from him. He knew he was going to die horribly, prayed he wouldn't have to yet he died anyway. Yet the blessing from that death is far bigger than anyone can fathom. When Jesus became a curse for us, He was cursed by men not God. Jesus did not tell his followers to do whatever they wanted or to act however they wanted just because they were His. NO! His greatest commandment after putting God first was loving others as Christ loved them.


(see this) "Jesus was not cursed by God. Another way to try to explain what Jesus has done for us: If I murdered someone in the morning, I deserved to be hanged. A man named Jesus came into the picture, and freely took my punishment on Him self. He took the curse I had brought on my self, and died in my place so I could be set free. The Judged (God) accepted this replacement, and released me from the prison. Would such a replacement lead to Jesus being cursed by the Judge?

Absolutely not. This act of Jesus would be the ultimate agape love. And the Judge response to me, would be the perfect product of forgiveness.

The judged did not have to release Jesus from the dead. Jesus Him self is the author of life, the very creator God. Death has no power over Him. Jesus gave up His life for me, as a free gift. And the most beautiful part. This was a command He had received from the judge, GOD alone.

Jesus bore our curses to the cross. And nullified them with His own blood, redeeming us. That is something totally different. Jesus was sinless. He did not have to pay for anything."

Yet He did....

Passion of the Christ

What I truly think that verse is saying is to pray in BLIND FAITH that something will be done for the greater good of God's glory. Even when prayers aren't answered the way our human minds think the should be, we can use that to bless others and to help encourage others who are riding out storms also. I think back to a scene in God's Not Dead where the daughter stood up for what she believed in and her family turned their back on her and threw her to the street. Did God desire that outcome? Surly not yet she stood for what she believed in. Are we afraid to stand for what we believe in? I am not. Blind faith to me is having faith that all will work out in the end....

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

~ C. S. Lewis ~

And honestly blind faith for me is trusting that God truly does love me, has my best interest at heart and will NOT forsake/abandon me knowing all that He knows...... Because to have that faith goes against everything else I have been taught..... That I was/am unworthy to be loved and or cared for. If I was then maybe those who God commanded to love, would love me too....

Those in this world who were commanded to love like Christ, loved me the least. And not much has changed in that.

So that brings me to this: 

Are we really living like Christ commanded us? Many say: "I got Bible studies down, I pray I *fill in the blank*. Yeah I got it." "Okay but do you really love others like Christ did, even the least "worthy"?" "Well...... I try..."

In the words that my step-dad used to use on me often was this:

We need to do our part for others though also.

I truly think that if we are really going to go out with a fire and a passion to lead people to Christ, we all have to clean up our own churches and our own individual hearts first. If an outsider sees inside a church and can't tell the difference between it and the outside world with it's darkness, we got a serious problem.....

Why do I say this? Well, I saw a blog post this morning by a dear mom and then soon after a FB post by a pastor I'm friends with that really say the same things when you look at the center of it. Recently I also saw this.

As Barb put it, "Regardless of ability, pastors (Leaders overall my words) seem to have groupies among the faithful. And people often have the strange, subliminal belief that being in a pastor’s good graces equals being on good terms with God.  As a result of this cult of personalities and also by virtue of being connected to such a vast pool of people, pastors typically get all of the personal help they need when they face challenges.

When a pastor (Leaders overall my words) has a loved one with a special need or disability, congregants and staff are at the ready to help. Sure, there is the fishbowl effect that every pastor feels in judgment when they have any sort of trial. Nevertheless, an army of assistance is there to assist and accommodate more often than not.

Sadly, the average person seeking God and wanting to experience Jesus in real ways in their disability journey usually finds themselves disappointed by the Church. Whether it be a physical challenge, a chronic illness, or a mental health issue, most individuals are not finding themselves loved like Jesus by His followers."

Until we can learn to truly be like Christ and accept everyone as worthy of not just salvation but of love also, then we are no different then those around us who are unbelievers.

Until we can get to the point that we are less focused on attendance and money raised and instead more focused on discipleship/tending to others we will continue to miss the boat I think.

"Until the church (members even) finds a way to be radically kinder and more compassionate than the world at large, we tell outsiders they’re better off on their own. And the truth is, many times they are."
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The FB post by a pastor was that of him sharing of a brother in Christ who came up to him sobbing because his own pastor was cussing him out and doing that more than trying to help him with his actual situation. It's disturbing. He had lost all hope, walking in the rain hurting and torn. I just thank God the pastor that posted this was there for this man..... 

I have personally felt more at home at Celebrate Recovery than anywhere else abiding with believers honestly.... (CR isn't just for chemical or drug addiction. I go because I struggle with anger, anxiety and co-dependency.) In the last couple of months, I honestly have stayed a hermit. Part of that was to see if anyone would notice, part of that is because I am not asked to be joined with anyone. I have not been to MOPS either this semester. Mainly because with stuff coming up, that 25 fee was needed elsewhere in the budget but.... In my life, the only time I am wanted or asked about is when someone needs a favor. I'm willing to help others, sometimes to a fault but I will not be used. I've been told that the reason why people don't talk to me at church or elsewhere is because I don't approach them. I don't because when I have, I look like a fool for it and it further isolates me so I just don't. Besides, is that a requirement that I approach everyone? Could someone approach me on their own accord? I sit in Bible Studies, church, Sunday School and listen. I chime in sometimes but only when I know I won't look like an idiot for it...... Honestly.... I'm reading Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited. I'm not really far in but I can really relate to what she has said... I got quotes from here some also.

Typically I'm one of the first to arrive for class/study and I sit and wait for things to start. When people come in, I smile and say "hi" then watch. By the time stuff starts, I am typically by myself/with my husband and the others are in their own group. Should I just barge in and sit where I am not invited? I was taught that such behavior is rude...... Again, I've been told that the reason why people don't talk to me at church or elsewhere is because I don't approach them. I don't because when I have, I look like a fool for it and it further isolates me so I just don't. Besides, is that a requirement that I approach everyone? Could someone approach me on their own accord?

Sometimes I really wish I could just sit across from Jesus Himself and be real and honest knowing that I will hear what I need to hear but I will also feel His love and compassion.
I don't get that from anyone else.... Some of that may be on me but I don't think all of it is.

“Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

“Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections. The need for belonging runs deep.”

― Lysa TerKeurst

The post a fellow mom made started like this: "There’s a struggling family or ministry in your church that needs your attention. They are isolated. Helping hands are in desperate need. Donations to these ministries lag. They are families and ministries living immersed in the daily details of disability. And I have to wonder, What if this was your lead pastor? You would likely be tripping over yourself to help."

In the words of David Platt: “If our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to wonder if Christ is in us at all.” –Radical, David Platt"

This country sees the poor and the disabled as the lowest of "scum" Okay, maybe a little dramatic in my words but prove me wrong... Just look at where this country is headed.... Keep reading... The next lowest "scum" is often seen within places of faith are those who often stumble and sometimes fall in their spiritual walk. I think we all need Celebrate Recovery, especially if we are in denial that we all honestly stumble and sometimes fall... Why then do some around us look down on us? Prime example is what that pastor friend shared... That may be a little unusual to hear a pastor have treated someone like that but a pastor is also called to be like Christ. Our church recently did a "Every member is a minister" series. If every member is a minister then everyone who claims to be a Christian should be on the same standard. All the way from the pastor to the janitor.

It should start at the top but if it does not, then why don't you start it? 

That brings me to another thing..... How the poor and disabled are looked at....  

"I am so tired of being at the mercy of people whose job it is to sit behind a desk and shuffle through paperwork that paints actual human beings as mere words on paper, taking away their humanity. It's not the person's fault. They are just doing their job. It's the nature of the beast, I suppose. But at the end of the day, after they have cut someone's nursing hours, or coverage of medications, or refused to cover a medical procedure, they go home and their life is the same as before they used that rubber stamp. But for us, that simple rubber stamp that they don't even give a second thought to, it is life changing for people like us us." 

~ Lacey Nicole Buchanan ~

"This is unfair because the federal government is paying a greater portion of the cost of coverage for able-bodied adults, than for the disabled, elderly, and most vulnerable patients. This disparity also creates a perverse incentive for States when they have budget shortfalls and need to trim their Medicaid program. That’s because it creates an incentive for States to reduce services or provider payments related to the most vulnerable patients, rather than able-bodied adults."

(A GOP senator from Arkansas talking about potential Medicaid cuts on the kids vs. able bodied adults through the ACA)


I say: Why can't cuts be made in other places instead of against kids? Better yet, why don't they find more ways of also generating income that is NOT related to increasing income taxes? Why is the first cut made, made against the most vulnerable? When I ask about that, I get either excuses or silence..... Yes even by politicians on both sides. I've called, emailed and written letters. Why can't the bureaucrats who decide what will and will not be covered and how much with any insurance company, Medicaid too, live in the shoes of those who have to deal with those decisions for a day. 

Even those in high places look upon the poor and disabled with disdain..... Yet in all reality it really shouldn't be up to the government to care for those who need it the most. Yet for many of us, that is all we have..... Even if it is just till some get back on their feet.

Barb continued in her blog:

"WE CHURCH ATTENDERS EACH HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES, “AM I TREATING THIS PERSON/THIS FAMILY/THIS MINISTRY WITH THE SAME COMPASSION I WOULD TREAT MY LEAD PASTOR IN THIS SAME SITUATION?” IF THE ANSWER IS NO, WE ARE OPERATING WITHIN THE CHURCH WITH BIAS.

THIS IS CHRIST’S MANDATE FOR US TO US TO INCLUDE AND SERVE EVERY PERSON OF EVERY ABILITY IN THE CHURCH, REGARDLESS OF THEIR POSITION OR POPULARITY. WE ARE TO TREAT THEM LIKE ROYALTY, JUST AS IF WE WERE DOING THE SAME FOR JESUS HIMSELF. [SEE MATTHEW 25:31-46]"

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The question this bring us to then is this: Why do some families who are facing a crisis get showered with love yet another family with the same crisis but "poorer" get ignored? I've seen it on Facebook and I don't mean in this post, my family but others though I have personally seen it also.... As an example: I see one post where a family has a loved one with cancer and they shower her with cards, well wishes, texts, gifts, food, help, company, etc. Yet another family that lives nearby is lucky to have even one person offer to help babysit the siblings while one child gets chemo, let alone visit, offer any help, well wishes, etc.? Or fundraisers.... We can't have anyway now thanks to SSI but another example, same community: One family within a month raises way beyond what the goal was and another, "poorer, less popular" family was lucky to get 10% raised in three months. How do some families have people flocking to them offering to help with their kids if anything comes up yet others are told "You chose to have those kids, deal with it." I have not been told the latter but I certainly don't have offers of help either. I was reminded today that I will not be able to take my son on my daughter's appointments once he starts school. It's no different then me having to take my daughter for his. I do it because I have no choice........ 


That's what Barb is talking about. I have read in several blog posts that many see modern churches are just like high school except it's church.... You have the cliques, the popular vs the geeks, vs the outcasts, etc. Those who are more popular get of course the most support and compassion...... Yet how do we look at the "least of these"? How do you react and think when you see someone who looks disheveled, on the street corner asking for food? The woman in line with a few kids in her cart using food stamps and WIC? Do you bother to ask about their stories, what they have overcome to get where they are or do you just ignore them at best and treat them like dirt, at least in your mind at worst? Maybe the one using food stamps just got the kids out of an abusive situation.... Maybe the one on the street corner got laid off and has nobody to help. Maybe the one looking disheveled just had a disaster happen in their life and how they look is the least of their worries?

How can we expect to be told to have blind faith and trust in Christ when those very ones who tell us this are not acting Christ like?  How can we expect to do what we are told to do by others in the faith when we see all around us of everything but what we are told by those same ones?

I'm going to end today's post with the best words that Barb had in her post because they are the most accurate.... 



"We need to remember that our entire Christian witness hinges on how we behave in the area of inclusion. People are watching. If we don’t get this right, if we don’t treat the least with love, nothing else matters."
~ Barbara Dittrich ~

How can I pray for you? I may just be across a computer screen but I can at least do that for you. Too bad we all have not found that genie yet. ;) If any of you are struggling with stuff I shared in here, please know you are not alone..... There are many out there with you.... All we can do is what we are commanded to and that is to truly love others..... Even if people around you treat you like crap, go out there and help those around you. Find your ministry.... You only have to answer to God but remember, you are an ambassador for God, not God himself..... Listen with your heart..... 

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

“I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

“Though we may get our hearts broken from the effects of sin in this in-between time, God’s goodness will eventually set the world right.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

Unleashed

I'm kinda bouncing places in this post. Sunday's sermon was by a guest and I took a lot of notes but also thinking a lot about when I heard a song on Friday.


I heard a song again the other day called Friends Forever. That was a song that I heard during my senior year of high school. Brought back so many memories..... I wasn't popular by any means but I had more friends then and friends that wanted me to do things with them then I do now. I was an extrovert then. I am much more introverted now.

The song talks about all the changes and fears of graduation and after. Where will we be when we turn 25 and all of that. Year wise, my senior year was the best. I was right where I wanted to be in the top band, I had lunch period where I had friends and we all played euchre, talked band and a best friend who I could tell anything to.

I graduated and reality hit. I have seen one friend since high school that I went to school with. My best friend and I had a falling out when I got proof that my then boyfriend was indeed cheating on me with her. He didn't treat me right anyway.... We reconnected later but I have not talked to her in a while. I realized college for what I really wanted to get a career in would never happen, I was lucky to afford the loans for the community college. Yet even that career didn't happen.

I had a lot to learn.....

So often in life, we plan one way and something else becomes.

Yet in that something else, another chapter began in my story.

I have stories to share but what legacy do I have? That was the point of Sunday's sermon.

How did you celebrate holidays as a kid? Time with family? Kids today lose that. We still can prove our faith by our stories. How did you come to know Jesus? How has God proven Himself in your life? Share those stories! Well God has proven himself in many ways. I defied the odds that so many put on me for one. My children are alive and thriving. We are making the bills, we are not homeless, my story has touched others, I have helped others who are starting the medical journey, and more.

We only have so much time to tell our stories, to share how God touched each part of our lives. I regret not sharing more time with my maternal grandpa. I may not have been able to see him as much as I wanted but I failed to write much while in my last group home.... Then the day came where I learned he passed. No more stories, no more flute lessons, no more music talk, no more fishing, no more Christmas..... 20 years later I still wish I had done better but yet I know that even though I couldn't become a music teacher like he was, I am still continuing the music legacy. And now my daughter is too.

We only have so much time before the clock loses it's tock and from there, it's only memories and silence. 

Our job as parents is to raise our children up while we still have time. Teach them up to rise up and take the baton. They will live what we teach them. Not always but we WE parents have the largest impact on our children. If we didn't have that as children, it is up to US, not those around us to break that curse. I was abused and neglected as a child. That doesn't mean I will nor have done that to my children. I made the choice to break that curse, those chains. We are not, especially as adults to turn around and make the world feel sorry for us, to expect everyone else to do things for us or to have everyone enable us. No! We need to grow up, put on our armor and go to war ourselves. Sometimes we have to be wounded before we see that we have to fight back.

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Deuteronomy 6:5-9
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

If you want to leave a spiritual legacy, don't just have accomplishments that are just titles but testimonies, what you did with life. How you impact others. Yet you won't accomplish anything without God. Try all you might, you will get burned out. We have to lead our children and grandchildren to have a heart for God. Are we going to brand our children and grandchildren that they belong to God like a farmer heats a branding iron and marks his cattle as his? Not literally burning our kids but are we going to put a burning fire, a passion in their hearts?

I may not have had positive influences most of my life, and indeed it did affect me but I MAKE THE CHOICE to continue that or not. Same foe you. Just because nobody showed you how to love, how to have mercy, how to share Jesus, doesn't mean you can't.

With that in mind, why can't we receive the hurting, the abused, the homeless, the dirty, the poor like Jesus did? Fear? Now I'm not saying don't take people you don't know into your home. Indeed that could be dangerous. Why not go where they are to show them Jesus? Serve and love on the homeless at the shelter, at a domestic violence shelter, at a children's home.

If church had not been offered to us girls at the last group home, I probably would not have accepted Christ at 14. If we didn't have BACA come in at the shelter for children I used to work at, some of those kids would have never had a father figure or a mother figure play ball with them, cook for them, craft with them, etc. If God had not intervened when I was 12, I would be dead. If I had not gone to my last group home, I don't think I would have ever been seen for the potential I was. It was thanks to two teachers at that school that I finally was seen for something other than worthless. If I had not survived all I did, I would not be as strong of a fighter as I am now. I would not be assertive in what my kids need, and so much more. 

Share your stories! Use the times you have been stuck in your own prison to reflect and grow and therefore break free to help others do the same. Especially the next generation!!

How many moments do we have in life with those around us that we can use as teachable moments? Find something every single day. Wisdom helps others grow.

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~

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Share the big and little God moments in your life. Share those with the world, no matter the reactions you get. Those stories are what show others proof of God. The darker your past was or the darker some moments have been, the brighter those God moments can shine. It may have taken some time to heal. In some ways, the healing never stops, the memories do not go away, the scars will forever remain but it is in HOW you wear those battle scars that tells your story in a good way or a bad way. Letting go is NOT giving up. Letting go is freeing yourself from the bondage holding you back. 

What are you going to do? 

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Rip that leash off, break those chains. Unlock the prison gates and be free. Step out of that dark dungeon of bondage and soul torture. Break out of yours so you can embrace those around you that do finally break free. Guide them, help them learn. You can't have the light shine without some darkness and the light can't be seen as bright without any darkness. A candle shines brighter when surrounded by darkness then it does surrounded by light.

That is how you truly heal.

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BE UNLEASHED!!! BE HEARD!!! BE BOLD!!



DON'T BE AFRAID...... GO ROAR!!!









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Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~ 

Social Media

I could write a novel on this.... Boy could I. I'm kinda going on this from the last blog post...


When you hear that term, what pops into your head first? Facebook? Twitter? Phones? Teenagers?



What comes into mind for me is Facebook and Blogs first. I think about this being a world where people don't talk to each other face to face about life and feelings. They turn to social media in some form or fashion. Sometimes for the better, often for the worse.

I hope you all read this and use this to help someone who you know that might need it. Many people wonder why I am the way I am. I have been told that blogging/sharing will get me this or that bad thing. Yet I see parents out there sharing so much worse than I ever have and they are doing well. Why do I get told to be quiet yet those who share really more then they should are encouraged?


I am taught in Celebrate Recovery to use our stories to help others find healing. And that is what this post is going to be about. I go to Celebrate Recovery for anxiety, anger and co-dependency.


I'm dealing with some emotional healing that I knew I would eventually have to deal with yet dreaded. Mainly stuff in the past but I have daily reminders that I usually just push out of the way or I have other things that have to be dealt with first. I have also been wrestling with myself on where I should be within service in church. If I belong on stage after being there for over ten years as well as some other things..... Part of that comes with the Spiritual Inventory that Celebrate Recovery has us do. This blog is called Rainbow in the Storm for a reason. Not all of my posts will be "light, bright and cheery" nor will they all be "dark, depressing and angry" either. Often they have both. This blog's purpose is in many ways a therapy for me but also through my writing, I have helped others. I know of at least one I kept from suicide due to a past post. Even if all this does is help one but make everyone else ignore me, then so be it. If all this blog does is make people that know me angry and mad at me for "telling too much" yet that post that "told too much" helps someone else find healing then I did what the purpose of this blog is.

This blog has been here for almost two years now. 106 published posts prior to this one. I have had many types of posts. Several about awareness, one about memes and bullying, several on depression and suicide and how to help others, one about how I prayed over a PICU family who just lost their child, and many more. Most of the darker posts I share bits of my past, because sadly much of my life had many dark times to it. It is what it is. Denial or keeping silent just because won't change that. Speaking out will as will knowing that my story helps others. Kids have a heart to trust most anyone. I have a heart that trusts almost nobody because most everyone has burned me. Those who are commanded to love the most, have always loved me the least. It would be nice to be in a world where what people say they did. Where those who promise to be there, pray, love, care or whatever keep that promise. Instead I live in a world where being a hermit brings less pain so therefore I am.

With the rise of social media has also come the floodgates being opened of anyone and everyone being able to post whatever they want under the guise of "just being words online." Many families have been blessed by social media, mine has. My daughter got her wish twice because of social media. We went viral along with BABW because of social media. I have met families I have never seen or only seen once through social media who taught me I was NOT alone in the medical situations we had to face. Even lives can be saved thanks to social media, like this story. The dark side to social media has been sometimes pics stolen to make cruel memes, cyber bullying that has resulted in suicide, people just being rude and hateful just because with no remorse, some people really do share too much and bad things happen. Robberies at times have happened because of someone posting too much info of when they are or are not home on Facebook, etc. There is good and bad to everything. Food is required to survive yet eating too much results into many health issues. Too little water will kill us but so will drinking too much. All good things can become bad in excess.


When we get to the point that our worth is seen in how many likes or comments a post has, we have a serious problem. 




Yet so much good can come also. Many of you do not know my name, nor the names of my children. Some of you do because you know that I write this and a few know why I do. Today all of you will know why by the time I am done. I do not write anonymously just because but I do because it is safer for me to be real that way online.

This blog is my therapy. I have been told to call or text if I need to vent by some people instead of writing. When I tried that approach, at best I was usually ignored or treated like I was a moron for my feelings. At best...... I have been told before that I should just be quiet. I have been told before that I'm going to get CPS called on me for these posts. Yet I have also been thanked for these posts. By a good amount. Some of my posts have been shared a lot. My top viewed post has almost 1000 reads to it. There were several special needs pages on Facebook that have shared more than one of my posts on here. My top 5 viewed posts on here tally up to almost 4,000 reads. I have had many comments (some on the blog itself) of people who loved what I wrote. I have had some who all they saw was bad grammar, (I'm not an English teacher so deal! lol) I have been called a liberal, I have had some who said I shouldn't talk like this or that yet overall most have been glad I shared whatever I did that they read.


Knowing that my blog has helped others will not stop me from writing. Know that. Yet sometimes I get discouraged from wanting to write. Not because I don't have things to say, that's rarely an issue. It is because sometimes I do feel like what I write is meaningless in a world that is so cold and cruel that hate gets one farther than love. The hard thing for us all sometimes is to keep trying to be the light in a world that gets darker by the day.... We can't give up though. We have been encouraged to keep fighting the good fight of faith.

Psychologists often say that there is a curse, that what happens to you, you are destined to do to others. NO! If that was the case, my children would be suffering.... They would have been abused already, they would have been told by many that they were worthless, shouldn't have been born, are a mistake, will never succeed in life, will always be a burden, etc like I was by so many.....

It isn't up to the world to teach and most important to PROVE to my children that the curse can be broken. It is up to me and their dad to prove that. And you know what? We have. So nobody can sit here and say "I am doing this because this is all I know." NO! That may be all you have known but YOU have the power to change. YOU DO!

It's by God's miracle that I'm even here, thriving, living, and yet my kids are happy and doing well. I face struggles to this day that I have to face and conquer daily. We all do! Yet I will never put that burden on my kids.

Yet what saddens me is this world is not what it was when I was a child. I had it "bad" compared to many kids I knew yet at least we knew manners and respect, overall. How I see many kids act today, I would have been eating soap or a belt across my butt for. Yet the suicide rate in this country is really high...... And that breaks my heart. This brings back a lot of memories..... Had not heard this in a while till yesterday. Yet I have no fear sharing my story, even if some wish I would stay silent. I refuse!

In a world where everyone is connected through social media, we are also the most disconnected.

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We go to MOPS (For example) and instead of saying greetings to all the moms, the cliques sit together, talk and all the while their noses are in their phones. I have seen it at schools, church gatherings, and more. Why? I think we are addicted. Social media is a drug. Yet some of us also without social media would have no way of connecting to families who are familiar with where we are, where our journey is, what our journey is. In a world where in the 21st century, those who are looked at as different or disabled are still ostracized. Many are outcasts, despite any way they look at life. That's where social media comes in to be a good thing. That is where those who are truly outcasts in their community can come to make their own. Yet it too has a dark side.... We know these families only by their posts, their words. We do not really know WHO they are, their personality, their stories. Just by the masks they show the world.



We are the most disconnected we have ever been when yet technology is advanced enough that we could be the most connected.

We live in a country where it is still legal to practice Christianity. Yet do we really embrace that? Do we really practice that? Are we quick to listen and slow to speak? (I gotta work on that sometimes too.) There are so many translations of Bibles out there, pretty much any store that sells any books, you can get a Bible. There's many apps for a Bible on your device. How many of us can say we have even 10 verses memorized? 20? Read the entire Bible even once? Yet I bet we all have at least one book that isn't the Bible that we can quote from. Yes, even me..... We have the greatest opportunity to be Christ like in our country yet so often we are not. Christianity according to recent studies is one of the most persecuted religions in the world yet they don't quit sharing despite the risk. What about us here?


We are all so disconnected from so much that we don't know anyone, not even those we say are closest to us. We are so disconnected from reality that I doubt we can name 5 people who we know what their current situation is. I don't mean via Facebook posts know, I mean know face to face know. Have talked to them, even a phone call to know what is going on. 

There is a song called Disconnected by The Goo Goo Dolls. It came out in 1995. Little could they have known that their song would have more meaning now then it did then.

"Disconnected"

Goo Goo Dolls

I don't remember

It doesn't ring a bell

And when you call me everything is swell

I tend to forget about the times we had 

And now it doesn't matter cuz I feel so sad

I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothing's come along, yeah

We've paid the price and now we're both alone 

And if you call me, you'll find me home 

I've found another, someone to take your place 

Now if you don't mind, please get outta of my face

I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothin's come along, yeah

Cuz, I've been disconnected 

Someone pulled the plug 

Oh, you're so distant 

Nothing's come along

This is about a break-up but look at the lyrics and put it into today's society.

Which is my goal....... What is yours?

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Ugly Colors?

Today I'm bringing out the "darker, uglier" paint colors, the colors nobody likes so be warned.


I've heard this before. A philosophy teacher has a semester final test. The only question on that test is this:

Why?

Here is what I think:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Either to enlighten you, or to make you take another look at your choices, to either guide you toward something you didn't see or to something you will need to see, or to teach you about where you are headed or to give clarity to what you have already seen and lived. And other times, you are in the wrong place and either those events added to our lives with a little flare or with a lot. Everything falls together in the end....

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~ 

Though driving home from a Bible Study last night, all that was there was the road, my thoughts and the crescent moon in the sky. (Pic from an old shot where I was not driving.)

Thoughts of where I have been in life, where I am, where I wished I was,  where I would possibly be had this or that been different. Not thoughts in regret but more in inquiries. Driving, especially not in traffic my brain just lulls in thoughts. Every trip to and from Dallas especially but to and from Little Rock also really brings it out more. 

Two of the recent thoughts I had I will share, either boldly or being foolish. 


I've brought this up on Facebook before and usually got lectured for it but I think it's a legitimate question. How come is it that when families are in need of prayer, some get a ton of support, profile pics changed, money raised, clusters of prayer time, long time and term support. Yet there are other families out there largely ignored, even though they have the same needs..... Is it all just a popularity contest? The more popular gets the greater support?

When I have raised this question in the past, I have been told several answers (opinions). It's because your kids aren't sick enough. It's because you have ongoing. It's because they look healthy. It's because you chose to have special needs kids. I just need to be thankful I have people that pray for us at all. And more. 
Too many people see my children as a diagnosis, not as who they are as human beings..... Society has soooo much to do with that... 

Is that what it's REALLY about?

I wonder if we put so much focus on prayer and action that instead of popularity contests, this would really would be a better place if we quit putting social or economic status on people. Is that why we have so many homeless even in our country because nobody wants to deal with that? 

I know the journey will have storms and sunshine, darkness and light, rain and desert, cold and heat. And eventually it will all be over and Heaven will abound with everything good. I wonder if then is where I will get answers to so many of these questions.

Another question I have had before is this: (I know this will step on toes..) How is divorce and remarriage so rampant in society and church overlooked yet sins that man sees as less are that much more criticized? Shouldn't it all be equal like it is to God? Salvation doesn't just give us free reign to do what we want, quite the opposite actually! When I have asked that question, I'm told to quit judging, take the plank out of my eye, (I'm married to the same man first marriage for both of us for almost 13 years now) etc. How is a question judging? I think it's legitimate. There are many more questions like this I have yet I remain silent....

In the end all that will matter is not legalism within any church or sect, it will be if YOU have salvation through Christ. Through that salvation, how many lives will you change? How many will feel love and light from you?

That's the purpose in this blog for me. To share my thoughts, my heart, my stories AND also share light. I don't preach in here, or at least not my intent. This is for me to be real with whomever is reading it. Hopefully to bring words of comfort or light to you in the midst of a storm you or a loved one is in.

You can't have the light shine without some darkness and the light can't be seen as bright without any darkness. A candle shines brighter when surrounded by darkness then it does surrounded by light.

What beauty dwells in the heart of those tortured, 

That feel love so deep but hatred stains. 

Sadness upon there brow. 

Theses tortured once bright. 

Will almost never return to the light.

I was lucky.... I was one that came back to the light. Yet sometimes the darkness, the sadness, uncertainty, the thoughts, the questions with no answers, the feelings, the puzzles in life visit. It's in those moments that blog posts are born.

I have been told many times that I need to learn to be quiet, to quit blogging, all I do is chase people away. If that was truly the case then how is it that sharing my story, writing this blog, has helped some people? I blog because that's how I share pieces of my life, thoughts, feelings, my heart. It's where I can share where I am and know somewhere out there, it is helping someone else.

It honestly bothers me that we as a society have come to where we have..... Social media was intended to get people to connect, to know more people. Yet it is the opposite. We as a society are more infatuated with "likes" "friends" and political posts than we are people. We are quick to tell people "hi" but do not want further conversation. We see new people come into a social gathering and pretend they don't exist because we don't want them in our clique. We would rather leave the person who stays at home frequently fighting battles so few know about then to invite them to lunch and risk hearing their real story. We would rather say we are Christian than to really act like one. We would rather just go to church, pretend to listen to the sermon and figure we did our "christian" duty than to really step out on faith and be like Christ REALLY commanded us to be. We would rather be cold or lukewarm......


I think all of us no matter what we believe can agree with this: Society is not what it was when we were children. It is darker, the world is darker, there is much more distance, sadness, sorrow, anger, hate and more in this world than there was even 15 years ago.

YET! 

See how it is so dark here? You can see the end but nothing in between. That is life. That darkness is the unknowns in life, the loneliness, the sadness, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the depression, the worry, the whatever you want to call it. 

Yet this one, once light is shown even briefly, a camera flash, I can see the whole area. The big picture with everything in it. 

Eventually answers and reasons will be even clearer than that...... All of the colors will blend together to make the masterpiece. It is sad that those in today's society are so superficial and not even willing to see the world around them. The people around them, the numerous stories just waiting to be told. Mankind would rather paint everyone as gray, than to see the entire spectrum of colors just waiting to be seen and heard.


Will we ever get back to that? To the point where instead of painting those around us with ugly colors, we instead look at them as an blank canvas and start getting to know what all potential that canvas has? Will we see those around us as art, as masterpieces made by the Creator in this world or will we continue to only see the world as fallen and ugly? We may have to live in this fallen world but we choose how we will be to those around us. Not the other way around.

"The man stood over the endless battlefield. His gaze fixed on what was once his best friend, now dead. "Why?" He thought to himself, why indeed. He had no idea what he was fighting for anymore. Why must he lose a precious friend over another rich man's war? He stood there. Heart broken. Why? Because such is the life of a warrior. He will keep fighting until the day he may join his friend honorably." 

I found that today. Battlefield to me being life, overall. The dead friend being broken dreams, broken wishes, broken love, broken hopes. Yet the warrior does not give up. 

The world needs more peace and humility. Hope will always be somewhere.

Now given history on answers I have seen on that "Why?" question, I would probably fail that exam but now you have heard mine.


I will not quit blogging though. This blog to me is an empty canvas with each post. Each post is it's own unique reason for being written, sometimes even I don't know or see the full potential. Each post is there wiling for someone else to read and be touched by the words given. Each story, each person has a reason and purpose for being shared and heard.

Life is a broken road, with so much potential to find the beauty in the brokenness. Yet so often we instead take it all in and see the ugly instead of the potential. The broken road is harder to navigate on but in being forced to go slower, we can better look around us and see the world around us. If we choose.

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The question is: Are we willing to shut up and be still long enough to hear those around us?

"What I see beyond these mountains are just another lonely roads, broken and fixed. But Yet I choose the broken road because no one dares to venture on these unknown strips of broken concretes, I dare because I'm the only one... the only one alone." 
~ Unknown ~



I may walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. I don't know where it goes but I know where it ends. It is home to me, and I walk alone. However in the walk alone, I have also seen many places to stop and share my story, share open arms while they are sobbed in, share my heart to someone who feels like suicide is the answer, share the medical journey to someone just starting. I could go on. It is my road but I am choosing what to do with it. I am choosing what colors to paint it, I don't always have the perfect palate in mind compared to what I am given but once every single canvas comes together, the masterpiece then will all make sense and all the beauty will be seen clearly. Ugly and beautiful colors alike.

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~ Special Momma ~