Yes, I'll come on here and admit that's one of my struggles. I have some others but that's irrelevant right now. (I mean who DOESN'T have struggles?) My tendencies toward depression is NOTHING like it was when I was 12-13, however I can't lie and say it's not there.
Here were the three that I know I face...
How painful it is when people dismiss your problems or aren't respectful of your feelings.
The daily battle of negative and intrusive thoughts constantly in my head.
The difficulty it is to listen to the right voices, the ones that want to help you, rather than the ones that stigmatize or judge.
That's what this storm has taught me..... It has shown me so much and honestly it's eye opening yet also stings, bad.....
I won't get into more of that stuff specifically but honestly, the struggle is real....
Looking up at the night sky makes me think of my heart right now being in that deep, dark abyss with just a small beam of light shining out with that light only visible to those willing to see me. How the moon can be seen by everyone, so few can see the light within me. The small light is best seen when it is dark, hence why you can see stars at night when it's dark. Yet so few are willing. Those who do, quickly flee in terror over what they see or hear. I guess my wounded and scarred soul is a fearsome beast. Yet nobody sees the tears or the ache.
Today the chapter on Dallas officially closed. Unless a Lazarus coming back from the dead miracle happens, the funeral was today. I fear the future honestly. I fear who will take over seeing my kids.....
I need reassurance and love and I have neither. Or at least it feels like it.....
This whole thing has me between two huge boulders with the cliff edge under me..... That's how stuck I feel with this storm.... This is where insurance put us....
Top that off with this morning I learned of another chiari patient died. It's the third one I know of this week. Two of them were from chiari complications.
So yeah.... I've also been told again that I need to be quiet and quit posting stuff anywhere.
#WhatYouDontSee
The battles I face, I share to help others through theirs yet it's also honestly therapy in a way for me. Oh yeah, I've been told I need professional help too more than once in the last couple of weeks. Well, if people want to pay that copay then go right on ahead. All they will do is suggest better coping ways beyond writing. It's not like they could change anything that has happened, is happening or will happen.
Though I also confess to you all that finding the silver lining, the rainbow in this storm has proven difficult. Yeah, I am thankful we still have insurance, yet so much unknown, so much uncertainty, so much fear.....
Fear....
That's exactly where I am. We all get afraid of things at one time or another, even if we won't admit it. Yet when I read where more with chiari are not surviving, or where three cranio kids also died recently, (Medical related deaths all were) then what else are you supposed to do? I'm always told to "give it to God" and those people that tell me that walk away, not willing to listen when I need it.
Really......
And yet so many wonder why I post what I do about how we as the church should be towards one another. I saw more "church" among strangers on the news helping each other in Houston then I see in American church pews!
Yet many wonder why writing is my therapy.....
My December sure has been my song for this storm and also Audiomachine - Requiem of the Night
Probably not the "best" music but it is what I feel...... The longer the storm goes on, the more silence I hear and it's very loud to the point of deafening.....
Yet at least I know God has not left..... Even though it's hard to hear Him right now too.... I know eventually this storm will have a purpose too. That's the silver lining.
I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, 'You are my servant.' For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.
Isaiah 41:9
Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~
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