Are we really willing?
This has been making it's rounds on Facebook again. It's not the first time or the last time I've seen it. Yet are those words true? We all share that stuff, saying it's true, "Yes I'd do that!"
Do we really though?
I gotta be real with you.....
I'm broken and lost guys.... I really am....
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My core feels like it's been ripped out of me, yet so many just stomp on it......
Or at least that's what it feels like.....
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Look into these eyes. What do you see?
My core feels like it's been ripped out of me, yet so many just stomp on it......
Or at least that's what it feels like.....
Look into these eyes. What do you see?
Does one bear the soul and one look "normal"? How would you describe the "normal" one? What feelings or emotions do you get out of them? Be honest now.
No seriously.... The brown one is mine. Yet for the most part, it isn't seen at all as being one who has suffered, one who has been broken, one who has heard way more in her life than I ever should have.
I fight because I have to... Because I have no choice... Because if I don't, then I have failed. If I don't fight, who will? God gave me my kids, it's my job to get what they need.... Fighting for the last 30ish years is the only way I have survived, though even survival almost didn't happen at times..... I have learned that I can't give up, no matter how bad it gets.... Even to a fault..... Losing a battle or war is the hardest thing to swallow.
Though I can't do it all alone, even though I usually do........
Yet I think if we all took the time like that pic said:
I think that would make a HUGE difference..... I'll get more into that in a bit. I have much to share, good and bad.
We have been having a really hard time with insurance bureaucratic stuff for a good month now, and it came crashed down August 11th and has been continuing since. Insurance through employment changed as of July 1st. All of the fighting, advocating, hope, paperwork, and it all crashed down August 11th.... Yet really of all of those that have asked me either how I'm doing or more specifically about the insurance, only two have listened and stuck with me as the days have dragged on......
I admit I've been really down about it too... I really have. So few words have been of support, most have been telling me to get over it, even those who I thought would support, want nothing to do with it. I'm ignored, I'm told to get over it, I'm told to quit griping, I'm told to suck it up, I'm told I'm a bad parent because I can't afford to pay out 60% plus for everything in Dallas now, and more... How the heck are we supporting people behaving like that? Most of what I have heard this negative stuff from are people within the church!!!! (Not saying MY church but "the church") Fellow believers, those who claim to follow Christ!
Last I checked, Jesus didn't teach like that!
This is what I have to say to health insurance companies too: Don't tell me you care about patients, families and all of that if you really are full of yourself and don't even know a dang thing you are talking about. If you know nothing about the healthcare world and what it really is, you have no business in it. Period! That goes for anyone down to the office staff taking in patients all the way up to the fat cats in politics and insurance companies..... It's amazing how much power insurance has in who you can and cannot see, what procedures you can have and can't have done and when, and really if you live or die. It's BS! Sometimes the hospitals/clinics are just as bad if not worse......
BUT!
While driving to Celebrate Recovery, August 17th, I saw a sun dog and a sun halo. Sundogs have always been a sign to me of my grandpa. A sun halo has been a sign of God reminding me to "hang in there" as I was going through a bad storm when I remember seeing the first one when I was 19. God whispered then to hang on a bit longer. That's how I see them now. I saw both together just before walking into CR that night. I was told before the worship time that I would be leading the adult women of family dysfunction group and when it starts. Soon after Worn was played that night also during worship time.... Pierced me as that is right where I was......
Later that evening, I got to thinking that this whole insurance storm has been a test of my faith due to that I am soon leading a group of women. I sound crazy but for those of you who have been through it, know what I mean. I'll say this though, If there was a grading system to get into Heaven, I'd pass with a D- likely. lol Faith requires action and belief.... Sometimes the hardest to keep in the storms.....
This last Monday the battles and the brick walls started all again..... So did the tears. I swear you guys, I have cried more tears since August 11th then I even did when I lost my middle child in miscarriage..... Yeah..... I have not had tears since though at least... That's something right???
Tuesday while I had to get a filling done, (joy) and some song lyrics popped into my head out of nowhere. I had not even admittedly listened to this song in a while.
Then on the way to do an errand after the dentist, I saw this. One church sign, both messages.
I just wish I could have gotten the chance to tell everyone in Dallas goodbye..... The doctors, nurses, staff, Ronald McDonald House..... All of that is gone.... I want to see how this storm is used already though.... I'm done hurting from this mess......Yet I blame insurance for it all....
Goodbye to this skyline......
The pain is real guys.... It may sound really stupid to some but it really is real..... 10 years.... So much talk though of that I just need to let this go, I need to suck it up, I need to pay up or shut up, etc.
So....... Keep thinking of that first pic that's been going around Facebook.
Those pics of the eyes.... When you really look at someone, do you see their soul or do you just see the shell? Most of you would say the shell right? What if I told you I and many others in this world are this.
BUT we really feel this: Our soul, our heart speaks yet so few hear.....
Or this:
Are those words said then to silence people really that encouraging? Is that what you want said to you when you are in a storm? Think about it....
Yesterday I posted on FB, "The church is so often focused on the "lost" that they overlook that there are many who are not lost but are hurting and struggling. We overlook that, or worse, hold judgment against them and sometimes that causes those who were saved to step away from faith.... If we can't be there for those hurting, how are we to keep those who are also lost?"
As the words from a lady who commented said, "Just a reminder, not all is due to everyone else having it together and not reaching out but everyone having their own hurts and difficulties they are trying desperately to survive. Do we as the church need to be better? Well of course we do. But I try to remember that I will not be fully redeemed until Christ comes and I receive my new body that will not be fighting constantly with my flesh. I feel like Paul most days when he says I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I need to do.
I think one of the biggest tragedies is the game we play on social media that our family is all together and we don't have a care in the world. It's makes everyone feel like they are alone and that no one cares when in reality, the nice accolades and filtered pics are a mask of what we want our lives to be.
I feel like we are barely treading water but if you look at my social media you won't know that. At the same time I want to enjoy the good moments and share them with family and friends that I don't live close too. Treading our own waters of difficulties has made me not reach out to anyone like I know the Lord calls me too and I hate that and want to do better. May the Lord help me in it.
Pls know that I pray for you and your sweet babies and pls forgive me for not encouraging you with that."
I replied, "I'm just worn with this whole insurance storm and have seen that the less I talk about it, the better it is because I know those few who are listening are probably tired of me talking about it. Yet it's something new with it every day..... I"m afraid my kids will suffer for it yet the silence is deafening....... Even in storms past, the silence has been deafening, it's just the older I get, the louder that is"
Yet she also said that she is encouraged as a mom by my fight for my kids.
The point of that FB post was that too many are not quick to listen but are quick to judge or silence those around them...... We need to be quick to love and show compassion instead...
Today while talking to a mom who is working on a study with me, I told her what I wished for the most right now besides keeping the team we have, is us as Christians to be there for one another like we should. It hurts when you feel betrayed and isolated from those who should support you the most. I told her that's why so many posts in the blog about it. What happened to us being Christ like? I told her that night on August 11th, I had a dear mom who has been on this medical journey and then some, who came right into it with me when we started ours and has been there since. I was up messaging her till 2am, crying, yelling, sharing fears, venting, you name it. There were words said that I felt like I needed to say yet I know the talk we had would scare off most people. Yet at least I had that. I told the mom I met with today though, where is that within our churches? Where is the support? Why do we feel like when our world crashes (sometimes for the upteenth time..) we can't turn to anyone, even within our own faith?
Now perhaps there are a few we can, but then how do we overcome the fears of rejection and judgment?
When will we all take our masks off and start being real? Not just face to face but via social media too. When will we quit faking it?
Where's the support and discipleship in that? If we ourselves refuse to reach out to others who we know are in a storm or likewise us in the storm refuse to reach out to others to talk, how are we to be built up? How are we to feel love? How can we feel love when we are constantly rejected or judged?
How are we to be like Jesus and comfort others?
Think on that. I will too.... And may I do better at giving this journey to God, as I should be doing....... Just Be Held is what I should be..... I give and take back and give and take back..... I can't seem to help wanting to control everything going on around me, even in the storm....
Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~
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