Read the whole post, you will see where this is going.
"And all that she hopes is for someone to love her. Truly love her. She hopes that someone will stick around. Because everyone else walked away from her. And each time it happened, they took away a piece of her soul. They continued their happy lives and she was slowly dying. No one noticed because they all left." "And I guess I'm just a mess and maybe I'm just lonely or just bitter but I know my head's a storm and my chest is empty."
“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”
— Mike McHargue"
Learning that people ever want to hear happy stuff, nothing more, nothing less. Well, for many, less is better anyway. Goodbye is easier than regrets when it comes to people and also fears, worries, and any simile to that, should just be kept quiet. All talking about that does is chase people away. "One by one, people started leaving." And really, It slowly doesn't even matter anymore....
Most who ask how you are doing or what's going on in life only expects and wants a BS answer anyway. Real life here, not just Facebook. Worse in real life. Keep the happy face on and keep anything else buried. Got it! That's the mentality people expect.... I am burned, I am silenced. Just like before, I have been here before. It's not fun. Between our medical journey, and drama within families/friends, do you ever struggle with feeling like nobody wants to hear it? Nobody wants to see you? Nobody asks how things are going because they really don't care or are afraid of finding out the truth? I can't even talk to a select few about my thoughts and feelings even now without just being ignored. Silenced. Invisible, dead to them. It's like I don't exist.
Some days I get tired of talking knowing I am not being heard. Am I that easy to replace or was I just easy to forget? I get tired of trying when it's all in vain. The lingering emptiness where my heart was supposed to be is full of shattered glass.
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know
You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain
It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain
You watched me while I slowly disappeared
I reached for you to save me, you were frozen in your fear
I'm breaking, I can't do this on my own
Can you hear me screaming out?
Am I all alone?
Take it all away
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
Yet God comes to me in my brokenness and says, "I am here." My pieces, all laid out, broken, shattered, jagged, piercing, bleeding, wounded, and even though I am alone in a dark, lonely world, God is taking the glue and trying to make me into what He wants of me.
This molding hurts though, I'll say that..... I wish I could be changed without people walking away from me, leaving me alone to do this. I wish I could do this with more courage and confidence.... Some days I have it, today I do not.
Even while being burned though, new arises. So maybe things need to burn down within me for new to be created. The ashes of the past create new.
Maybe it's time to say goodbye to many who say they will stand with me no matter what and have proven otherwise. God is ultimately the only one who will be there till the end anyway..... Truthfully, that's what makes it so hard to let God have control over things, because so much is out of control, or at least the pieces I see are. That's what hurts though, even those that hurt you intentionally or not, at least are people around you. When you lose them, then it is when you see that you are standing alone... Maybe it's time to see that even those you thought would stand with you, weather the storm with you, truly have fled. Deep down, you knew in your heart they would anyway..... Because it always happens, it always has been just that. Your life. You learned early on that broken promises is what life is.
The world is a sea of faces, so many lost into their own lives that they forget anyone is around. That's what creates a cold, lonely world. A world without God is just that.
What Dreams May Come
Even Jesus prayed in the dark, afraid.....
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| Passion of the Christ |
Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~
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