Marathon training - Epiphany and setbacks

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Sitting here listening to Shadowfall by Audiomachine.... It's the song I always start my training on to better increase my walking pace and distance.

Friday,  I posted my last entry here, I did another half marathon distance later that morning. Two in one week. I felt pretty dang good after I did that Friday. Nothing was hurting either.

I posted this Saturday morning.

"Training has shown me this. Time alone on the open road with thoughts, plans and dreams of a finish with my son. I only hope I can continue. I hope I can make a difference and know I'm finally worth something in this world beyond "staying home and being lazy." No longer am I letting the emotions of this medical world control me. Yes there will be days but those days won't go beyond. If my children can face the medical world as bravely and triumphantly as they do, then surely I can handle the training to the finish. The morning that started this was April 7th, the day after the Hogeye. Next goal beyond getting help covering the cost for his chariot Ainsley's Angels will provide will be running a 5k in June while pushing my son. Just since Monday the 15th , I have done 43.71 miles this week at about 19 minutes per mile. Both are better than the week prior. That's with big hills too. You all haven't seen anything yet. I'm just getting started. Week three is ahead."

Friday of last week

vs Wednesday of last week.

Total of last week, time it took me is the graph.

However Saturday the right knee under the kneecap area has been hurting, especially if rotated a little like getting into a car. We wound up having to call a locksmith for us, my contribution to Easter dinner failed and had to do plan B and my mood was crap. Hey at least I've lost five pounds since the 12th! And I need a belt for several of my jeans now. Good and bad. Sunday my knee was still hurting but I wanted to go out the next day and at least walk on the level trail. No jogging till the knee stops hurting. I'm not making it worse.

Sunday morning I also got a rude text basically saying "Why would anyone want to cover that "chariot" for you as you called it? You sit there and beg for something that you can't pay for yourself. You should have thought about that before training for a marathon I don't see you finishing anyway. What's the point when this will likely be just another fad anyway? Get over yourself and just be glad your son is accepted with Ainsley's Angels or whatever. Quit being a leech living off others and the government. Live like the rest of us have to. Pay your own way and quit asking for stuff."

I was bound and determined to not let rude people get in my way. I've dealt with comments from people for my life but especially since my son was born. It's one thing to be told growing up that I should have been aborted or that I will never succeed at anything. It's a whole other ballgame when you tell me that I will fail at a promise I made my kid. Chariot or no chariot, I will find a way, the chariot just will make that much easier to obtain because I'll have build the endurance before a race day to push him versus not.

I did three miles yesterday on the flat trail and my pace was around 20 per mile. Not my goals but something right? It flared the knee up a little more.

Then the setback came in.....

I got reminded that I'm pushing too hard and I need to slow my pace down on this. I know they are right but man am I mad. Not at them but at me. I'm just honestly pissed at myself for the injury that I could have prevented by being more careful dealing with the block on the trail Friday, at least...... I just feel like a weakling simply because I stretched my right leg too much trying to go under a dead tree that fell on the trail Friday....... I'm just frustrated. Just for once I want to do something right and be good at something for once. Yet my weak 180 pound "lazy overweight " (as some family have called me) butt is pathetic and can't. I stretch and what not before and after each time out on a track/trail yet I still manage to screw something up.

The epiphany coming home yesterday from community band was this: the reason why I'm pushing myself so hard now to do this is indeed for Ainsley's Angels and my son as I have said. Yet it is also to prove to my son that I won't fail him like I did in late 2017. One of my friends knows how I feel about that. Had I not failed him then, he wouldn't have a TBI and epilepsy now. I failed my son once before because I wasn't loud enough and trusted doctors timing. Losing Dallas a few months prior to that only added to it. I have had that guilt compounded in recent months with neuropsych results and continued visuals of the encephalomalacia on his MRI'S..... When he asked me to join him at the Hogeye I couldn't and he was not happy about it. Yet that is something I can control. What I do..... So I have. And now with this flareup or whatever with my knee thanks to climbing over lap 1 and under lap 2 a downed tree Friday, I feel like I'm failing again. Sounds dumb maybe but I refuse to fail him again and yet I struggle with feeling like I already have by having to backtrack all of this I've done so far.

It's frustrating feeling like I failed, even if deep down I know I have not. He is my responsibility and so therefore I struggle with feeling like it still is, even though I know that responsibility wasn't mine.... I just want to feel like I did something right for him, you know? Not be a failed mom for my kids...... I feel like I'm failing the one group that has such good inclusion and God who trusted me with them and I feel like I failed Him too....

So all of that said, with  much reluctance, I have agreed to do the couch to 5k plan..... Less chance of overdoing it if I stick with it..... It'll still give me the chance to do the 5k in June I want to do with Ainsley's Angels. At least I can say I did almost 44 miles in one week at that only being my second week of training..... Did three miles yesterday with the eldest. Wanted to do more though..... My knee was fussing still some but I did not push hard yesterday AND did a flat trail. It's supposed to rain the next few days here so I suppose that's God making me sit still and let this thing heal before I go back out at this point..... I hope I can go out Thursday or Friday for a few anyway.... Even if it's just the 20 minutes couch to 5k has for day one.

I'll settle the knee than work on incorporating jogging and begin the couch to 5k.....I'm going to have to push that a tad harder than it says due to the timing of the 5k I want to do and push my son for the first time with Ainsley's Angels though. Maybe I shouldn't but I can't help myself..... I just don't want to be stupid either. Now to ease back into this in a slower pace..... May my spirit let me pace it.....

Time to go wipe my face again......

Tears do not tell the tale of defeat, but only of a change of plans..... The goal is the same, just the means are different. June 8th I will push my son, even if I have to walk some of it. I will push him in my first 5k and I don't care what my weak, fat flesh says. I'm doing it.
One thing I have been learning in life is this from Dolly Parton "Storms make trees take deeper roots" or as I'll also add, they knock down and kill the trees. Other trees lose branches but still stand. Though they will forever remain without those branches, especially if they were large ones. It's a stark reminder of the storm that tried to kill them.

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Just because I have lost many branches over the years of either crushed dreams, stalled ideas, "not being good enough fast enough" abuse growing up, facilities/group homes over the span of eight, almost nine years of that it doesn't mean I'm dead. It doesn't mean that new branches have not grown out of what was broken. The scars of what was is still there, but it doesn't mean that nothing new can come from it. All my life I've been told to either "get over it" or that I'm a liar or drama queen. We may not be able to change what has been but we can do something about what will be. Even if it's harder than hell...... When it comes to marathon training and all that goes with it, a good song that fits that honestly is Highway to Hell...... Well it does!! "And I'm goin down..all the way! I'm on the highway to hell....." May I be refined and ready for this when I come back. God willing.....

I gotta say though I never thought working through training would bring up so much emotional crap with it too. I was warned it would but wow, I didn't think it would be like this.....



I'm going to end this post with one of my favorite lyrical songs for today. It fits well, even if I can't be racking up the miles much this week......

"Not Gonna Die"By: Skillet

Death surrounds
My heartbeat’s slowing down
I won’t take this world’s abuse
I won’t give up, I refuse!
This is how it feels when you’re bent and broken
This is how it feels when your dignity’s stolen
When everything you love is leaving
You hold on to what you believe in
The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye
And then I heard you flat line
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Break their hold
'Cause I won’t be controlled
They can’t keep their chains on me
When the truth has set me free
This is how it feels when you take your life back
This is how it feels when you finally fight back
When life pushes me I push harder
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger
The last thing I heard was you whispering goodbye
And then I heard you flat line
No, not gonna die tonight
We’re gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Don’t you give up on me
You’re everything I need
This is how it feels when you take your life back
This is how it feels when you fight back
No, not gonna die tonight
We’re gonna stand and fight forever
(Don’t close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We're gonna fight for us together
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
No, we’re not gonna die tonight
Not gonna die
(Not gonna die)
Not gonna die
(Not gonna die)
Not gonna die tonight

I'm not done yet! I refuse to fail my kid again....... I just need a body that does what my mind wants it to do...... In the meantime I'm glad I finally have an Ainsley's Angels shirt, I can do my training in that, run/walk with that at events and be proud that a program like this exists for my son and many more out there like him.

"Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance."
— Samuel Johnson

~ Special Momma ~

Marathon training - Rambling

Yesterday after I posted here, the negative hit me hard..... Most of this Blogger post I wrote last night and did editing this morning  since the writing was on my tablet. It's shared as I wrote it last night. This post is raw, real and honest..... Even this morning I'm still struggling some but hitting the outdoors later will help. Hubs is going with me today. Let's see if he can keep up. 

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 I shared the following on Facebook but later took it off: 

"It's frustrating when you write something uplifting in Blogger just to get full of doubts later the same day........ I know what's discouraging me but yet I hate how when something comes from the heart, all the self-doubt of everything working hits soon after.

 How you start to question if what you are doing will make a difference. If it'll be something I push through and conquer. If it'll be something else I struggle feeling like I'm doing enough with. If the cost is worth it. If yet again I'm trying to fly and instead I smash my face....... Again...... 

 It's not that I want attention or recognition but I want to feel like I'm doing good. Like I'm making a difference. If the tough doesn't break me. If when the moment of truth comes, can I overcome and finish? I know some doubters think I'll just quit this "fad" thing. My stubborn will is there, but is my endurance? My doubts also come with summer coming and school letting out. It takes a few hours to do 10 miles now. 

Can I continue this summer with the eldest home? What about  next summer when two kids are? Theoretically I'd hope to have that pushchair for my son by then but because of how loud the past speaks, I carry doubts..... The only reason neuropsych happened is because some family paid into over half of the balance. Otherwise we would still be waiting for it..... 

I shouldn't doubt but I can't lie. I should just trust and have faith, I know. To trust the unknown, to trust hope, to trust the will to make a difference is hard. Harder than those hills I've done several times this week and will do again tomorrow likely. Why? Why can't I just keep the faith? Why can't I trust that it'll work out? I can't fail because than I'll fail the promise I made to my son..... 

 Determination isn't always enough but it helps..... 

What is my fate here? 

What about the next Children's admission? How will that length of stay affect my training? What if I fail finishing that marathon because  of life keeping me from training? I hold fear at the moment of that. If not life than my weak flesh or mind....

I'm doing a good job of the showing faith right? NOT! Maybe the brick walls aren't  the physical endurance but more so walls of the mind and spirit. I may have broken the half-marathon wall in four and a half hours already but I'm seeing there's much more ahead. I need to shorten that time, walking or not. I hope those mind and spirit walls, I hope I'm strong enough to break those walls too...... Thanks for hearing me ramble......" 

 A friend commented: "While goals and hope are important, you're missing the acknowledgement and accomplishment of today by shifting your focus to what has not yet happened. Focus on today, what lies ahead no farther than when your head finally hits that pillow and your eyes close for the night. Those hills are such a big feat. Not many can conquer them like you are! You spoke inspiration in blogger today and released the words that you had pent up inside, begging to be put into written text. Marvel at your accomplishments. Look at your sweet babies and your dear hubby and breathe in with eyes open, pause, and as you slowly release that breath, close your eyes and give yourself the credit you so deserve. Today was a success among bigger successes. Those accomplishments needed today in order to be what they'll be later. Close the book tonight with love for the page written in it. Rub your thumbs lovingly on its cover before you set it down to write in it more tomorrow. Thank it for all that was today, for the lessons you didn't even know you learned, for the growth you made without realizing it, and for the inspiration you brought to others with great love and purpose."  

 She's right yet why won't my brain shut up already? 

 I had been tagging a few people on my achievement posts in the last week, the first Ainsley's Angels post last Friday and the one I did yesterday as the part two. After a few hours of waging war within my own self, I took off the tags on most of it this evening. I don't want to just be "annoying" with my stuff either. 

Do other people training for marathons tag people during it? Or write blog posts about it? Unlikely.....   Why do I post in the kids' group page, can see who's seen it and yet silence pretty much all around? I'm used to the silence on mine because as I've been told, I "Chase everyone away." Why am I even thinking about Facebook? Why am I even bothered about social media? 

Why can't I just stay focused on this goal and silence the doubts and crap? Why do I even carry the fears of and with this goal? Are these mental roadblocks I'm having normal?  

The fundraising for a push chair, I fear it flopping. Why? Because all in the past I've been involved with did but one and that's only because of a family member with the neuropsych testing you read about earlier. 

Why? Why can't we just be a family that can be able to afford stuff? Why can't we be a family that people are willing to help once in a while and support like others get a surplus of? We all can name at least one or two who asked for a little help and got a lot, yet some out there get little to nothing. Is it just another popularity contest? A way people tally up who's worth it or not?

Yeah, yeah life's not fair. Don't preach it to me. It's still a valid question. Yet without it, how do I effectively keep the training going when he's home? He's too big for regular ones now that generally cost less.  

 The village thing, I believe that, yet I can't help but wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure again. Setting myself up with hope that gets crushed like it always had before.  

 As I lie in bed writing this up, I want to just blame the rainy day we had on all of these thoughts. Yet I know there's more to it. What and why? Do others who train for something big like this do the same as I am with the battle within?  Or are these just demons within I gotta find a way to kick out?  

I just gotta know that I'm doing this right AND good enough......  

Time will tell.......   

 From Pinterest 

 I hope it is at least...... 


I don't need to fail my son too.....  

 ~ Special Momma ~     


After I posted this, I was still struggling some with this. I commented on a post in the Ainsley's Angels group about it. This was shared with me. It really helped. I'll be out later and that will help to. May I persevere!  

Marathon training - Ainsley's Angels pt. 2

An actual pic from just past the first large hill on one of my trails. The dogwood is so worth the trek!

Training is NOT for the faint of heart!

Let me tell you, it's a chore. It's hard and I'm not even running yet! I've been told that it'll take about three months before it gets better. So be it.... One place I've hit has been easy. Another clearly not. Yet the one that is not, I finished, not one but TWO laps the first day I really aimed to get all the way to the top of the hill.The first pic is the easy track. The second pic is a trail with lots of elevation in a mile span of it I took a shorter way back to the start point not realizing how short it really was. Monday was the first pic. Tuesday was the second.

Yesterday I did this.

You can see that in the third mile and 8th mile, that elevation is what I hit. I typically do that trip twice around. A full lap for me is about five miles. I found a longer way to expand how far it goes out. The latter half of the lap is the easiest thankfully. Compared to the huge hills, it's nothing. Yet after I did that yesterday, I felt like I really accomplished something. I thought I was going to die trying to get that last mile in though. It seemed like it took FOREVER! My phone was about dead too. I need to get one of those pocket packs to keep it charged with. Especially since I listen to music while going at it. Night before last I also only got four hours of sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep for a while. I hate nights like that but thankfully they aren't too often. 13.2 miles on four hours of sleep.

I wore that tank yesterday for my training. I planned on at least 10 miles but once I hit that, I figured what was three more? That last mile about did me in but I was NOT going to quit. I think I was a little crazy for that but I proved I could do it. Last night and today I've done a little bit of a penguin walk thanks to being sore.

via GIPHY

Next week I begin integrating some jogs in the miles. NOT on the huge hill segments though! Not yet at least. Good Lord, I could just see that.... Just no snow with it. haha

via GIPHY

I'm glad I remembered how to do deep muscle massages on my calves from marching band after that. Good thing I have close to a year to get my pace smaller though because trying to finish an actual half-marathon even at close to five hours I won't accept of myself, hills or not. I'm a little sore after the last two days but not bad at all. Especially all considering. It just proves that the training is working. Had you told me the day of the Hogeye that I would have done this less than two weeks later, I would have thought you were crazy!

I will say though, yesterday was my 8th day into training! Training walking days total of 6. Six days and on day 6 of the actual walking with my pace generally above 3mph, and I did over a half-marathon distance.

They are why. My son is why. For a good cause is why.

All of my posts about my progress on Facebook have had these two hashtags on them.

#ForAinsleysAngels #ForMySon

I also got messaged recently over that dancing video of my son. (Last post I shared it) "No wonder you have been writing about them and training. I want to learn more and see if my kids can be involved where we live at! Keep up the training! You'll get that marathon done!" I sent her the link to the website and hope she keeps me updated!

If that isn't doing something right, I don't know what is.

Honestly, I have not felt this good emotionally in quite a while..... Just being real now. Really since losing Dallas officially in August 2017 especially, I had been going down a hole. Much of that hole was my own digging but with inspiration from so many who had so much to say that didn't help. Most of those words and actions came from locals or family. Honestly....  The hole was deepest since June till honestly the Hogeye. Thanks to this inspiration, I'm crawling out. I know some of my posts here have reflected where I have been. I don't regret those posts, as I was speaking truth. I don't have regrets in that. However, reading the stories every day on the Ainsley's Angels Facebook group restores some hope in humanity. I never thought it would take an event like a marathon to first REALLY see it. I saw it at the other Ainsley's Angels events too but my heart had too much hurt to see it sooner than the marathon....

Yet seeing the difference in what nine days now has done is something I would not have fathomed even a month ago. Especially with everything I have been learning in regards to my son and his brain stuff. Even training since the 9th, I have heard our county EMS on two different sessions. Both times it brought everything back......all the memories of my son's first epileptic seizure at home hit me. I remember the seizure well, the EMS ride and our local hospital being stupid about it. Days later he had two more and was diagnosed with epilepsy and his MRI showed newly found encephalomalacia (TBI type injury) caused  by another medical diagnosis and too high of pressure on his brain for too long......  It wasn't there the prior MRI months before. Yes, I know I shared that last post too..... Still... It happened earlier this week too. It is a reminder of why I'm doing this, even when it's tough.

I still have had some moments though of wishing I could change things for my son..... I'm told that will get better too... Had it not been for his journey, I probably would never have heard of Ainsley's Angels and certainly would never think of training for a marathon!

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Also, I know I don't come out with details on my family much on here but I have been given an opportunity to help further my goals with Ainsley's Angels. The president of AA has set up a Crowdrise fundraiser to help my son get his own chariot for days he is home and I'm training. It would also help me build the endurance to push him during races. I would be grateful if you can at least share the campaign. This is the chair. To know that a president of an organization would set this up for my son speaks so many volumes. I hope we get the funding for this.

What also amazes me is how young my son is yet his story has touched so many. How he seems to light up a room and cheer people up. Well except if you tell him "no" to something. haha Every time we go to Children's since this summer, he has insisted on visiting the staff on the two inpatient floors we were on. 20 days inpatient and runs up to them like he's known them forever. He's not terrified at all of the hospital, unless he knows he's getting labs drawn then it's all over.... Yet for children to go through so much yet still shine is a testament of itself.

To go to all of the events I have with Ainsley's Angels and see the joy on the faces of all who are there, riders and athletes alike, is so contagious!

Why can't the world be more like that?

To know that the people we see at CR and Ainsley's Angels events bring joy to my son brings me joy too. To know all that he had endured is not in vain makes the pain of the bad days more bearable. To see my son show others inclusion and involving them brings me joy. This video was at an event recently we went to. Red is my son's favorite color yet he chose on his own to share with another child.

Maybe, just maybe God is using my son to do just that. That I will always write about. The world needs more of it. I am not sure where all of this will take me honestly. Considering the other day was semicolon day, I know I have come so far. From being suicidal at age 12 and wanting my life over to what all I have achieved and survived since then is a story of itself. It's a testimony novel. Yet to see Christ in Celebrate Recovery and especially recently many of those I have seen within Ainsley's Angels brings renewed hope that all I have done and will do is not in vain. To know now that I am not alone in this. To know that no matter what happens from here, they have my back makes me emotional honestly.

I've never had that before.
That is the God honest truth!

May all of this bring renewed healing for my heart as well..... There is still much I need to heal from. Yet to know God used my husband's friend to bring us to Ainsley's Angels and God called one to lead our local chapter to bring joy to so many is inspiring and aweing as well. Nothing is impossible with God yet we are the ones who put Him in a box..... Too long I have let the hurt build. Too long I have carried the guilt of what my son has faced since we lost Dallas. Too long I gave up on myself.

NOT ANYMORE! (May I keep that stance too!)

And neither is yours!!

As I saw in a blog recently, we all need to remember the following:

Love rules in the place of selfishness.

Kindness in the place of cruelty.

Generosity in the place of greed.

Humility in the place of pride.

Social justice in the place of inequality.

Mercy in the place of fear.

And grace rules in the place of judgment.

When we get there, we will be more like we should be. For now, I am thankful I have found it where I have. I just gotta remember that on the hard days too...... 

All of that to say, I can't wait till I cross that finish line for the first time. I don't care what my time is or what my place is, as long as I finish. It'll all be thanks to God, my children, husband and Ainsley's Angels for giving me the inspiration to do this crazy deed. Join the club! I've been crazy long before this! I just think this plan proves it. 🤣 I can't wait to see how many more brick walls I'm going to smash through during my training and the time to come in the future. Yesterday was my first smashed wall. Over 13 miles! My son is worth it and so is Ainsley's Angels. If my children believe in me, then surely I can believe in myself with this.

via GIPHY

I'm smiling at the fire ahead of me, and I will win.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on!" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race!"
~ President Calvin Coolidge ~

Together we shall!

~ Special Momma ~

Ainsley's Angels

How do I begin on this organization? They have touched me to my core honestly. A friend of my husband first told us about this. That was not long before last Christmas. That was the first run my son had with them. I met our local ambassador there as well.

We have had four or five others total now.

One of them he decided to run the last bit to the finish. This was a fairly recent 5k.

This clip was caught after the race. He went a little viral. haha

All have been good but none as memorable as the Hogeye half marathon April 6th. That was an early day, let me tell you!! I was nervous honestly. I didn't know how my son would do for three hours in his big chair. He did it though. His team walked most of it yet still finished. First place or last place here, everyone cheered. your name(s) were announced and you got the glory of a finishing time and more. There was inclusion here. There was acceptance. There was love. We need more of that in the real world. There were people cheering on the walkers and runners alike no matter what. Here's just a few pics. And yes, he did a victory dance again. haha

It was this day I decided it's time I'm a part of this beyond spectating. To feel the energy of walking the last quarter mile with my son and his team was amazing. To cheer them on at different mile points was amazing. To be a part of that is something I want more of. It was then I really saw just how inclusive not just Ainsley's Angels were but all of them. Many runners who were at the marathon to run it alone or with a friend cheered on so many of the Angel riders and athletes alike. High fives and so much more.

I found my village. Celebrate Recovery is a village I am in also but I found another one.

I'll say it again. I found another village.

It's all thanks to the friend of my hubs and also to Jarrett Banks. Yeah, I called him out. (You're welcome Jarrett!) He's our ambassador for this area. There isn't a soul within these kids and adults alike that are in Ainsley's Angels that he doesn't involve and cheer on. He's the one who mimed and shared the video of my son dancing. He was the one cheering him on the loudest.

All of that said, I have decided it's time. Being real here. Time for me to go from over 180 pounds back to a healthier weight. Time to get out of my size 16 jeans and back into something smaller. Going to where I was before kids is unrealistic. A size 8 at 120 pounds would be epic but won't happen. Yet healthier than I am now would be.

So.......

I decided early this week that I'm doing this. Even if I walk, I'm doing a half-marathon in a year.

That mug was given to me back in 2012 near the time of my daughter's last surgery. I still have it. It's always a reminder to never let go of hope. Never let that light go out, no matter what the world does to you. However maybe walking is better anyway. haha

I am not to the point of running yet but I will get there. Then I'll be wicked as some think I am here. haha No seriously, When I can get my average down more, than I'll start the work on that. I've always made the joke that if I'm running, you better be to because I'm running from something.

It's not that I despised it, it's just I was never in good enough shape for it. Even with years of marching band, running as part of our warmup I hated. I was always last. Now I don't care if I'll be last. I'm doing this not for anyone but Ainsley's Angels, my children, God and myself.

The pic below here was from today. Hey, it's a quarter marathon total so I can say I did a marathon-ish already right? haha Lovely view of the Arkansas river. Last lap was to map the long way. This was a new spot for me so I had to figure out the longest route. It's saved now. Total was 6.67 miles today with a just under 18 pace between the two rounds. Total steps 14620 and calories burned 724! My legs may REALLY hate me by morning. haha. I have not done this far in 17 years. No joke!

Honestly, no joke. Yet it's day 3 of me doing this. First week. I took yesterday off since as a beginner again, doing too much is bad. Tuesday was day one. I did that at a different location. I did four miles. I did just under four miles Wednesday. Today this. And this was my view today.

The last two times, these were my views. All three times out like this now I have seen at least one red cardinal. Good signs to me.

Now that hill, the last pic my phone has happened to troll me as I have come to it. I have yet to get to the top where the steep is even more than this pic and finish the full three miles up one way BUT I gotta tell you. my phone really is a troll. Pandora was being played on my phone. Highway to Hell by AC/DC came on as I got on that hill the first day. The second day Dream On by Aerosmith did, but Highway to Hell finished as I approached it! Yeah! My phone is a troll. At least it didn't play "Another one bites the dust"! haha That hill can bite dust!

🤣 🤷

My heart may struggle in many ways with life yet to find the moments of light, the days of inclusion no matter who is first or last, the days of cheering, smiles, dances and laughter from all. Runners, riders, walkers and more. That brings me joy. That makes me know that somewhere I know I'm doing something good. Something my children will forever remember and know they were a part of. If my children and many other children out there who face this medical world can do it, then what are some leg cramps for me? NOTHING! Well, with Advil and more at it the next day anyway... lol Seriously, the other day on the trail I started wondering how long till I see progress. Till the weight starts coming off. Till I can actually run something. I heard our county EMS and all the memories of my son's first epileptic seizure at home hit me. I remember the seizure well, the EMS ride and our local hospital being stupid about it. Days later he had two more and was diagnosed with epilepsy and his MRI showed newly found encephalomalacia (TBI type injury) caused  by another medical diagnosis and too high of pressure on his brain for too long......  It wasn't there the prior MRI months before.

That's why I'm doing this. For my son. For myself. To prove I can do it. To show him that if he can face multiple diagnoses and still smile, then I can man-up so to speak and run this. Pain and all because my leg cramps are nothing compared to his medical world.

My shirt for some days I'm out for this yet it's the truth.... Even in recent weeks there have been more things I've been learning medical world wise and I don't exactly like it.... Now that we have seen what Ainsley's Angels does though, I would be willing to bet at least some of them have my back now too.

It's a much different reality than what I have seen in recent years overall honestly....


Today's Bible verse from YouVersion was so fitting.

May I finish at my first half-marathon. May I finish a 5k first. I have a year to do the half-marathon. I want to do it for the Hogeye but also eventually for Russvegas which benefits Arkansas Children's. If I run it now, it would be an epic fail. Walk maybe but a run would look like either of these gifs. haha Not even a half mile in either! I'll just crawl into my son's stroller and have his team push me! haha

via GIPHY


via GIPHY


via GIPHY

With Ainsley's Angels I shall do this. I challenge all of you to look them up and be a part of it. There are many more stories than just ours out there of children who have been loved and included in this.

As their motto says on their website,
"Together, We Shall Labor as One, For the Greater Good of All."

source

Someday soon when I get brave enough to write my testimony for Celebrate Recovery, I do know Ainsley's Angels will be in it.

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on!" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race!
~ President Calvin Coolidge ~

Roll on! Inclusion for all! Together we shall!

~ Special Momma ~

Part 2 here

Words - Part II

I again was shown how badly part one was needed...... So today will be part two with more to come.

Are you living or dying? That was a question asked during the sermon Sunday.

Honestly, I've been dying. For several reasons.... Not literally but you know what I mean. I'll be living again soon but we all go through these cycles. It's like the time between the mountain tops and the low valleys. We gotta do time in both and in the middle of going to and from.

What really resonated with me and what I will be talking about here today is this:

To have fresh water, you have to have a good inflow and a good outflow. Right? You must have both or the water becomes stagnant.

So why do others encourage us to have outflow too but if it's not picture perfect, we face negativity? Think of it like this. Each negative is a stick attempting to make a dam. Like beavers make dams. Each positive is a stick being removed. Get enough sticks piled up and it slows down or totally blocks flow coming in, going out or both. So what happens? Water gets stagnant. Which only makes things worse right?

Now before you all correct me, I know that's not exactly how beaver dams work but the analogy works. The sticks people stack on us don't filter, they don't let the water flow. They totally block and or redirect in a good way or a bad way. What happens when the flow is blocked? Water backs up. It pools. It sits. It gets stagnant. Stagnant is bitter and smells bad.

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See where the dam is and all of the sludge? See where the outflow is much less than what's coming in? Same idea.....So why do we try to dam others up? To silence them? To fix them? To make them fit the mold you want? To make them conform? To make them fit into the crowd? To make them not tarnish the spitting image you want your business/organization/ministry/whatever you have?


You can't have the rose without the thorns.
You can't have the light without the darkness.
You can't have a rainbow without the rain.
You can't have the mountain without the valley.
You can't have the victory without the battle.
You can't have growth without pain.
You can't have joy without the sorrow.
You can't have the quiet without the noise.
You can't have the snow without the cold.
You can't have the good without the bad.
You can't cherish the sweet without knowing about bitter.
You can't enjoy the savory without knowing the bland.
You can't have the concert without hours of practice.

To continue what I started in part one, I feel like I gotta go onto this.

After the last post, I saw this. I'm sure many of you have heard cliches similar to this. Well intended, sometimes but it's not biblical truth. God won't just give special kids to special people. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that. Please just stop with them..... Also don't tell people they should only share the good, if you won't even hear them tell that. Why should they share more with you if you won't even listen to that? Especially if all you are doing is telling them cliches or flippant positivity without anything to back it up, especially biblical truth.

Like this.... People again asked how things went with testing my son recently had and then I hear from family and others later that I talked too much, shared too many details, worry too much, ask for trouble, I brought this on myself, I chose all of this, not basic, broken down info enough, my faith in God isn't good enough, I don't trust enough, etc. I hear at least some if not all of that every single time.... And I'm sorry to those who try to teach or explain anything to me and all I do is exacerbate your patience. I'm sorry to those who I try to make small talk with all I do is look like an idiot. That's my social anxiety hard at work, and when the face you give me confirms that all I did was look like a moron or all I do is annoy you, I'll just leave you alone. Sorry I tried. Same to those who look at me while saying "hi" to others and ignore me. I pray I'm never like that. Well, thank you for helping me prove my point and for allowing me to be more of a hermit. As if I've not gotten social anxiety in recent years now anyway due to that exact thing. If you didn't want to hear me talk then why ask me about stuff? Many of us hear sayings like "God won't give you more than you can handle " or "Satan is really testing you with this right now" stuff. Or worse "If you weren't a sinner, your child wouldn't have to go through___" or the "This is your atonement for making God mad." stuff. "If you pray more/harder this wouldn't have happened/happening" My latest "favorite" "Your child wouldn't have epilepsy if you only prayed more. Or this one when I share anything prayer request wise or with a person who asks and I don't give 100% positive news "You have unrepentance you need to go to God about." or "If you would be more positive and stronger in the faith, this wouldn't happen/be." “Just pray about it”, "just don't think about it", "Everything happens for a reason., and more... I felt done talking to people.... I still do....  I'm happier when I don't hang around other people......

Yet I do wish I had a few that "get it" and would not start crap with me. Who would truly sit down and listen. Who we could share stories with. Who we could learn from. Who I could call on a bad day and they listen instead of trying to fix me or tell me how wrong/messed up I am.

Why do we have to tell other that if they are having a hard time, they asked for it or their faith isn't enough? Why can't we just simply offer to sit down with someone and let them speak their heart, no matter what it reveals? Why can't we minister to people like that? Isn't that what Jesus did? Aren't we commanded to be like Him? Well, then why don't we?

From an anonymous mom who contributed to the last post "I feel like if there was more understanding and explanation and less of "if you would just try harder" that it would have been better because at least I would know it was nothing I was doing wrong. So understanding and explaining more than judgement I feel would have helped a lot more. it could have taken the pressure off."

Fake positivity and cliches are so toxic...

A local church in this area is about to start a series about "God never said that" and I look forward to hearing it. I'll have to listen to it after services as I don't go to that church right now but I can't wait to hear it. I'll likely use some of that here, especially when I go into talking about how to talk to others who are struggling.... That's in an upcoming post.

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Think about your words.... Think about what you are saying, or not saying. Is what you are telling a person who is struggling what you want to hear when you are? What sticks are you putting on someone? Are they blocking flow? Are they helping it flow better? Don't be the reason someone stagnates, or worse walks away from the faith...... Many comments I've seen over the years point to people walking from the faith for that reason or they look at Christianity with a negative light due to so much judgment and stigmas within...... Let's be what Jesus commanded..... No more "rules" beyond that, "regulations" that are unbiblical, "UNBIBLICAL cliches",  and "labeling". Just stop....


~ Special Momma ~