Many of you may think this was my father. Those who know my story would know it was not. Others would think it was my step-dad. It is not. Because he was not in till much of my childhood was over. This will be for my grandpa, the musician, the veteran, the teacher, the carpenter, the fisher, the one who I adored till he passed not long after I turned 15.
This is for you grandpa.
"The first memories I have of you are of fishing, ice cream, root beer floats, the fireplace and the Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco you always had. Your laugh was contagious. I can still hear it sometimes, despite you've been gone for 21 years. The fireplace always kept me entranced, at least till you got gas and no longer burned newspaper. The basement was your "man cave" but so was your workshop that was attached to the basement living area.You loved that area. The smell of sawdust, a hint of your tobacco and basement always lingered.
Christmases were special. There were family dynamics going on I didn't understand then till much later but at least we all got together and enjoyed it. For most of my birthdays or Christmases you got me at least one toy that taught or represented music in one way or another. The toy saxophone at roughly 4 or 5 I think mom found the most annoying. haha Or was it the harmonica when I was three?
As the years went on, we didn't get to see you as much as I wanted but I knew you loved it when we did. You even went overseas to see us. I never have forgotten.You never gave up on me, even when everyone else did. You never told me I'd amount to nothing. You never told me I'd wind up a criminal. You never told me I'd always be in prison. You never told me I belonged in psych hospitals for life. You never told me I should be or wished me dead. You never told me I'd be useless to society. You never told me I was too stupid to learn anything. You never told me I should be controlled. You never told me I should have been aborted. You never told me that doping me on pills was the right answer. I don't know if you ever thought any of that, or talked about it when I couldn't hear you but at least you never said anything like that to me or where I could hear it. Thank you for that at least. By you not being like that to my face, I believed you didn't listen to all the lies and hate that so many others in this world gave.
Music, your music.... I never got to hear you play your trombone but I heard the stories. I envision you much like the first pic on this post looking like that playing on it, and especially helping your brass students with their horns. I remember playing on grandma's organ. I remember playing on your piano. Those are fond memories but that's not what I remember the most. After time of playing a game called Professor Piccolo, I wanted to play in the band. I wanted to be like others in the family. I was wanting to play the clarinet. I do remember you said because of the orthodontic work I needed, clarinet was out but you had a flute from your old music store left and I started on that. I still have that old Artley. I only wish now I could get the overhaul done on it and also fix the plating so it looks like what it did when you gave it to me. Years of marching band all but ruined it.....
Now, I have wondered over the years if part of the no to the clarinet thing was because of affordability however, I learned to love the flute and what it began. (I have shared a few other posts here on what music has meant for me. Post here as the most recent. Here's the others if you wish. Music Al Fine Music Journey)
I did summer band going in as a 7th grader with the rest of the kids going in at 5th grade. Two years behind. I'd have to catch up, in a world that already saw little value in me. Game on! So that I did. Remember me calling you the night after doing my first day in 7th grade band? It was like the second or third day of school because they tried putting me in 5th grade band. I had a mountain to climb to learn in weeks what the other kids did in two years but in time I did it. I called you then too. When I finally mastered the Bb scale by memory, could play the version of William Tell we were working on, but I also told you about being told by others in the band how bad I was. You told me to keep going. To focus on the one that did encourage me in my section. To work hard, to practice and I would catch up. So I did. I don't learn the same way others do however, so to get things to "click" I had to see it done, to hear it done, not just read about it. That's what made practicing alone so hard early on, it was easier when I could play along or hear what it should sound like first.
My last group home, my music world expanded so much there... Our band director was just like you in many ways. He's passed on too you know.... My senior year he did. Yet he saw potential in all students, unlike many teachers I had prior. He had the patience of a saint and never got angry, at least where we could see it. I know I was slow to catch on, with many things. yet once I did, it never left. Even there I was told how stupid I was by some in the band, especially the flute section I was in. It took me a little longer than most to catch on to marching in time and playing right at the same time. At that point though I honestly did tell all of them to kiss my grits (Not put that nice...) and instead of jumping all over me telling me how stupid I was, how about they help, and have the section leaders act like leaders, not morons. You would have been proud, if you could have been there. They told me to not March and play at the same time, but you know, I did it anyway, despite how stupid they thought I was. The day we won state my freshman year..... Such an amazing and nerve-wracking day. Yet the only thing I wished beyond winning was anybody had been there to cheer me on.... Not a soul came... Most performances of mine though, especially once in high school, not a soul was in the crowd for me. I got used to it. That's not why I played though. It's one memory that is there, like it or not...... Auditions for chairs, I got last again. I was last in 7th due to being so new, last in 8th because of coming in mid-year but also because of skill. 9th I got last but it was close. It was that freshman year however that told me I needed to major in music teaching. The band director with his kind, old soul helped that. I finally had something to strive for. Several band pieces to this day, I can't hear without flooding memories of his teaching. First Suite in Eb by Holst to be one. Symphonic Suite by Williams to be another. I didn't do a solo for Solo & Ensemble but I did play in the flute choir. We got division 1 at district and state for that. It was finally then that the flute section started to accept me.
That next summer, we prepared for marching season again, I was a sophomore and was ready. That was the last summer I saw you alive.... I think you knew it was your last time getting to hear me. It didn't register when you gave me my final music lesson till after you passed, that you knew..... Your words encouraged me, they game me fight, the will to stay at it and to persevere. I only wish I called and wrote you more often, even as the group home allowed it. Your heart just gave out not long after. The first day back to school after your funeral was sooooo hard..... I just wanted more time. One more "I love you." One more lesson, one more float, one more day of fishing on the lake..... Just one more..... "I don't think you truly know how much the odds were stacked against me from day one. So few saw any worth, value or purpose in my existence. Those who were supposed to love and teach instead showed apathy, disdain and sometimes hate. No lie..... You were a bright candle in my dark world. I cherished the visits with you, even though they were too far apart and too short. Far too little time..... What you don't know is despite the depression I had been in when I started music, despite seeing no value in myself back then whatsoever, you introducing me to music saved me..... It saved me because it showed me I could be good at something. Even if it was the only thing.... (At that time, it pretty much was!) The depression and wanting to die almost won but it didn't...... You saved me from myself, though it took a little while to see it.... That day back to school, I heard several condolences that day. What touched me the most was our director hugging me and saying that I didn't have to play or march that day if I didn't want to. I chose to anyway. That day on the blacktop going over drills and learning new charts, I saw a brilliant sundog. I knew you were with me. As tears rolled down my face in that moment, it showed me you were still there and now you could hear every note I played, good or not. Playing that day was hard but I did it. Two months later, we went to state again but did not win this time. Solo & Ensemble that year I did my first solo. I got a second division but I didn't care. It was the first solo that I knew you could hear and given how I was really close to a first division, I took it. Playing three years and I did that accomplishment. I also was no longer last chair!
Soon after, I had to transfer schools again. That was a little rough but I was ready to keep going with music. I also got private lessons again, paid myself and also paid for an intermediate flute. Paid that off. I sure loved that Artley but it was really in disrepair and starting to hinder me..... Junior year I marched piccolo for the first time. Really enjoyed that. Concert season I got third chair in the second band, about the middle compared to all the flutes at this school. Big progress but I was bound to really hit it with Solo & Ensemble again. Went into the hardest division this time and got a second division rank. Messed up with the piano part, that was the only thing that got in my way of State. Senior year we got 9th at State marching band, heard about the passing of my first high school director at the first competition that year. Grandpa, had you known that director I had, I think you two would have been best friends..... Senior year also brought the end of not just school but of dreams.... I again knew my solo that year would be heard by you, and also it would be the last of S&E, at least for high school level. I got a first division at State. I was sooooo proud of that. I also got third chair, first band. I was happy. First part, no piccolo, no solos. Just as I wanted. Then the flute lessons stopped. They stopped because the dreams for teaching music died.... She refused to keep seeing me if I wasn't going to college for music. That year I was told I wasn't smart enough for scholarships, didn't qualify for grants, and despite working almost full time hours and doing school full time, no way I could pay for college by myself so music education died.... I couldn't afford it... I cried, which I know you saw.... I cried because I failed. I failed to dream good enough, to be good enough, to keep my promise...... Even when I did start college, it was hard to keep up. Working full time hours, keeping up with all the chores/housework I was responsible for both living at home and when I got on my own and full time college was rough. I know you were proud when I graduated community college though, especially top third of all of that community college combined campuses.
See, I wasn't as stupid as everyone made me out to be. I would have loved to see all of those who said I would be a nobody, dead, prison, psych wards and more to do what I did AND survive all I did. Though, you wouldn't have agreed to me doing that..... The huge desire to throw that in the faces of soooo many would have been so sweet tasting.....
After high school, the Armstrong flute mostly collected dust for nearly six years. Then came playing at church. First Sunday there I was sooooo nervous, despite not being the only flute player there. At one time for a while there was four of us. I gave up the piccolo forever after a mishap of attempting to play a piccolo part for one of the other flautists because she was late. That happened after I'd been in around a year. The embarrassment of that and being called out, I chickened out and quit that. Before that, it had been several years since I picked that piccolo of mine up. I could have used a pep talk that rehearsal day from you..... It wasn't long before I became the only flute player on stage most Sunday's. I learned to embrace it, because I could adjust the sheet music to sound good yet not overpowered by the small ensemble size. Sometimes I'm the only flute player up there and sometimes I'm not, but usually it's just me. I had seasons when I was out, especially time after the kids were born but I've stuck with it. 13 years completed there now and still going. Though I admit I still get timid with solo stuff. I also admit I still am bothered by how a former player's daughter told mine not long ago that they left the stage because of how bad I suck playing. That made me somewhat want to leave honestly. That was another day I wish I could have called you. Another pep talk..... Assurance that my years of service wasn't a waste, even though it's praise and worship music, it was obvious to me that I wasn't good enough.
Almost a decade after high school and I was able to replace the Armstrong flute I bought myself, and join community band as well. It took me a little getting used to the Yahama flute I upgraded to but I did it. The first night in community band, I was so nervous, last chair or not, I was. I had not played with a group like this in years.... I've been in that band just over a decade now. Hard to believe I started in there that long ago.... Still second to last chair with the flute but I don't care. I learned long ago that first, second or third part isn't as big of a deal as it is just getting to play and enjoy music.
It took a while for what you told me many years ago to come to fruition but you were right. It's not about how good you are, but how good you feel playing.
Now you know not long ago I picked up the clarinet. It's what I always wanted to learn, though I'm not going to waste my flute years either. I've been getting lessons since May, even despite the medical world and adulting, I've practiced a lot though I know I'm slow to learn.... Slow to catch on to not so much how it all works but getting the brain and fingers to work as they should, but also in getting the tone out well in all ranges, especially the upper on that. That part is harder than the flute for me. As most everyone ever told me all my life that I'm stupid, I know I'm probably slower than others to learn, yet once I do, I don't forget. And I do have one thing many parents don't. I know much more about the neuroscience world than they do and yet this "stupid" brain learned it, and more. With the clarinet, I have been determined to make it work, just like I did the flute. The pinnacle of my flute career so to speak may have been my senior year of high school, state solo awards and also the chair placement I wanted, it wasn't over despite not being able to do college for music education. Besides, I figured also that if I was going to be told that I suck, after 25 years on one instrument, and a couple of months into learning the clarinet anyway, I'll challenge that by learning what I originally wanted, and at least if I'll suck, it'll be because of how new I am at it. Game on! Started the end of May, spent almost a month total, with a week break at Children's with your great grandson. Really, I didn't start till this last July. I have been really playing only six months. Started on an student Artley, using a Noblet Stubbins intermediate clarinet now. Funny how my first flute and clarinet both were Artley's... Last night I took a leap of faith, with high anxiety to come with it, and for the first time as I begin my 11th year of being in community band, I didn't sit with the flutes, I sat with the clarinets. That felt really odd.... And scary..... Grandpa, it was like the first day of band again, and I knew it wouldn't go great but I had to do it. I can play by myself or duets all I want, those help but ensemble experience doesn't come with just being at home, you would remind me of that. I got a lot of practice to do but at least the one teaching me is sitting by me and can forgive my anxiety and squeaks due to it.... At least she knows I don't stink as bad usually as I did last night.... haha Hard to believe she puts up with me...... I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, and wished I could call you. I needed another pep talk..... In time I know I'll get better and I'll start playing the band music well. Hopefully by the concert for this. It'll be weird having my name with the clarinets, not the flutes though. I may be last chair but I don't care.... I am determined enough to make this work. And at least this time with a new instrument, behind everyone else's skill level, myself nor my children are told that I suck and shouldn't be there or that they left because of how bad I suck. For that, I'm thankful. Grace is good. So are earplugs for those around me the next few weeks as I adjust. 😂
As much as I still wish I could see you and hear you, I know since you died, you've not missed any concert of mine, any church service I've played in nor those "big" performances. I know you would tell me to keep going, to keep practicing and to play, not for everyone else but for myself. And that I will..... May I teach my children the same. They are also the reason I keep going with music. What am I teaching them if I give up, or if I don't take a chance?
Thank you grandpa for never giving up on me. Thank you for being a rare one who didn't. I will see you again. I look forward to the day I play in Heaven."
“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
~ President Calvin Coolidge ~
I could see him saying this too. He has similarly.
I play now not for myself, not for the community but to keep his memory alive. Because overall I enjoy it still. And to keep the tradition going. I only wish he was here to see how far I've come and also how far along his great granddaughter has gotten already. And honestly, sometimes I could still use the pep talks he used to give me.... Especially as I venture out in the unknown with the music world.....
No comments:
Post a Comment