Music

Music... Something that has always been in my life.....

Music sets the tone for everything.

Music lifts but also lowers the spirit.

Music for some is just a CD, for others it's a way of life.

Seasons change in everyone's life at one time or another. The music we listen to over time changes and often we get songs stuck in our heads, remember people by songs, laugh, scream, cry and sing to songs we know.

Music is something everyone knows about. For me, I grew up around music. Not just records and cassettes. (Yes, I gave my age away. lol)

My maternal grandpa was a music teacher and trombone player. My mom and her siblings all played instruments as well. I was almost 12 when I was presented with my first flute. An Artley student flute it was. Started playing in beginning band when I was 12. Did band starting in 7th grade. One of my fellow flutists at that time never gave up on me, even though she never knew how dark my life really was at that time..... Most of my years of playing I had to learn on my own. No private lessons most years. Too expensive. Yet playing was one of the best things I ever could have done. I have many fond memories now because I did. Winning state in '96 was just one. Marching Band with WHS. Grandpa never knew this but it also helped during one of the darkest times of my life when I battled the worst depression I had ever had. The band director we had at WHS was so much like my grandpa..... He died when i was a senior at a different high school. My director there found out the morning of a competition..... That day I dedicated our show to him. Our program was called, The 4th Angel. Amazing show despite barely getting to State. 

My dream for being like my grandpa died not when he did, but a few years later. My music dreams died when I was a senior in high school when college for a music education major was out of my grasp. I still play because I enjoy it. My senior year was perfect in that realm because I got first flute but third chair. No piccolo parts nor flute solos. lol I also got a Division I at State Solo & Ensemble that year so I was happy. Yet disappointed that what private lessons I was getting then was ended because I was not majoring in any form of music. My then Armstrong 80B flute was collecting dust.... When I moved to Arkansas I was given an opportunity to play at my church which I have done for almost 10 years now. Soon after I also started playing with our local community band. I am nowhere near as good as I once was nor will I probably ever be but at least I can still play. After I started playing with the community band, I started on a Yahama 461H flute which was a HUGE improvement to what I had, for how I play. Took some getting used to. Over time I started to get over stage fright, which was always a struggle.

My struggle right now is where does God really want me to be? There is better talent in my church than me and I'm doubting if I belong on stage now..... 

What's funny is in high school, I was a band geek who dressed preppy but listened to rock music. I still do but I listen to a lot of stuff. Christian rock mostly now. RED is a favorite. In high school all I wanted was to teach music like my grandpa did. I wanted to go to college and major in it..... Yet even though playing music was always enjoyable, life rarely was, still hard to see it like that. I would listen to music that would feed anger or depression. Even now it's still a struggle some days.

I'm about to completely change the topic but it's connected. 

Matthew 13: 5-6
"Others fell on the rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil. But when the sun had risen, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away."

I know Ken Freeman had another explanation for this parable but sometimes I do feel as if I was planted among the rocks and the desolate. Nobody has it completely easy. If they do, they are spoiled brats. :) See how in this crack, surrounded by asphalt this weed is growing? It's desolate and alone yet growing despite the environment.

Why do I think I was planted away from everything else? I have always struggled with many things in life. Much has been handed to me over the years and other times it's my own battles with the mind.

I heard a song recently that I hadn't heard in years. Sorry for the single word in here.... https://youtu.be/5CO-QL6oErY It brought back many memories. Again, music. There are songs that remind me of my past, songs that lift me up, songs that feed sadness, anger, but also joy and hope. That song fed depression. There were things I had to deal with that I was at that time in the process of.

"I am not here
I think I've never been here at all or ever will
I feel like a place
Where no one goes anymore

Why can't you see that everything's broken
And why can't you see that my life's turned gray?
I can't believe in anything sacred
When I don't believe that I am real"

Another one called, Away from the sun by 3 Doors Down is a frequent flyer too...

"It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know"

Yet even recently I was fighting moments of isolation, desolation, broken solace, jealousy, frustration, anger..... Yeah..... Not at my household but at life.

Then I try to listen to stuff like Just Be Held by Casting Crowns.

"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held"

My life has always been one of hardship and triumph, full of doubts, fears, worry, and isolation. Somehow I never quite fit in to any one 'mold' that is expected of me to fit in to society or groups within a community. Always been that way. I am by no means stupid but I do take a little longer to get things to 'click' in my head. I have always been one to show expression in writing and music mostly. I usually try to not show much emotion to the outside world in fear of judgment and condemnation. I hold it in and release it through writing and through what music I listen to. Just always been that way. It's amazing I graduated from community college with an associates in Early Childhood Education back in 2003......

That is why I think God planted me in a desolate spot. Often I think of it as atonement but I am seeing that perhaps it's not. After 30+ years, maybe it's really not. Maybe it's to make my thick head learn to count on only Him and nobody else. Maybe it's so that those who are worse off than me can see that people like me struggle too.... Maybe it's to give others hope when over the years I kept being told I had no hope. Everyone but my grandfather and a child psychologist I had for a few years early on had given up on me. Everyone...... It's hard for me to trust people, even now. Those who say they are here for me or things like that, I honestly don't trust because over the years, everyone who ever said that, ran. Many even before any storms rolled in......

Yet being planted in desolation gives me time to reflect on life, what I have been dealt and time alone to deal with what gets handed to me. I don't like it sometimes but it is what it is. It often makes me think of the analogy of Holland vs Italy. My journey was destined for Italy but I got dropped off in Holland instead.

Even today though, I had a moment of my heart being pulled at me. I didn't show it but it is still in my head. Another thing often in my head I admit it is how God can really love me. Okay okay, I know what the Bible says, I believe in Christ who died for me. I know why He died. I get it. Yet why don't I feel His love often? Is it because of my past, despite that I have dealt with that?

The music in my head is what I often write into words, often here. The songs I play reflect how I am feeling or thinking about. The flute that I play is in a way a release but also as a way to make my grandpa proud of where I am. Even though I cannot visit him, when I do things with music either composition or playing my flute it brings me back.

Yet some days, even that doesn't hide the desolation my journey is. That is when I write.

Sometimes I wonder if grandpa would be proud of where I am now. Would he be proud of my kids? Would those who said I would never make it or amount to anything be shocked with where I am now? What about God? Is He pleased?

Someday the song of my journey will end and I hope the symphony carries on through my children. As crazy as life gets, as much ups and downs as it has, I wonder what kind of 'music composition' will be left after me. What kind of concerto will be written?

Now that my blog post has gone all over the place, I will call it a night. Now that my brain is empty of words for now. For now. ;) As many emotions I had writing this, I hope this makes sense......

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~