Paint Colors

Our pastor was talking about spiritual gifts. I still don't know what my purpose really is. Everyone says I have one but do I really? James study earlier that morning talked about the seasons between the rains. Rains in this sense of spiritual pouring onto your soul. Rains of really feeling God. Was I intended to be a desert in that sense? I have felt rain but it's few and far between. Why? When the rain in this sense comes, it feels amazing but is short.

I feel as if my gift is sharing my story, my journey yet to hopefully encourage others in that. Yet why no clarity? Why backlash from those around me for speaking? Granted I shouldn't grumble over that because Jesus spoke and was really an outcast for it. Yet He was the savior of the world! Our pastor talked about gifts as being colors of paint and how it all blends in different ways. Sometimes we see ugly colors yet they are all colors AND beautiful to God. So why don't we see it like that? Sometimes I think I was once a beautiful blend of colors when I was born but over the years many "ugly" colors got added due to things in my life and so many placements starting when I was 8, that since all of that, The only colors most everyone had seen with me since I was a very young child were the ugly ones. I'm often told even to this day that most of my battles I face, I brought on myself. Hence why I also struggle with if it's atonement or not when I face trials.....

Seeing a dad cuddle his teen daughter at church today was nice to see but I did feel a twinge of jealousy..... I have struggled my whole life with wondering if I was ever truly loved and cherished. Oh yeah I was told "I love you" by two mainly but I rarely felt like I was truly loved, cherished, missed or whatever for the most part by anyone else. Pretty much everything was conditional. My first placement when I was 8 was the first time I really was told by adults (Beyond my father) that I would never make it, that I would either be in prison, on the streets or in a psych ward for my life. Before I was 18, I had been or still was on a slew of psych meds with diagnoses ranging from ADHD and depression all the way to psychotic and bipolar. Yet I have overcome all of that. I proved everyone wrong! I thank God for His provisions! Okay I do have ADHD but in most cases I deal with that well. I do have some anxiety also.... However if you all survived and saw the stuff I have, you would understand.... Some of the best paint colors in my life was/is music, marching band, my husband and my children. Some of the worst were from people that should have loved and nutured me, and also the darkest time when I was 12..... I remember many of those colors/days like they were yesterday.... 

So many colors of paint yet do you feel like all you are seen as is ugly? I don't mean appearance, I mean inside.  By how the world paints you. I often do and think that that's why I'm such an outcast here....

He went on with the lesson notes. The three that I felt like were perhaps me I talk about next.


Gift of prophecy is proclaiming the truth. Truth of God. That was one of the notes in the sermon. His example cracked me up. Bold, honest and often seen as judgmental. Many think of prophecy as telling the future, Revelation type thing. Not JUST that. Sounds like me.... lol I'm not afraid to call things out and to be brutally honest, even I admit though I'm not always right. And I certainly try to be tactful but sometimes, tact is thrown out out of a 20 story window. lol

Teaching was listed to clearly instruct and communicate truth. "Man, this person needs to learn this. This an opportunity for teaching the truth." Well,if that's the case then all parents of kids with special needs would do that as a start! How often do you have to educate those around you and your kids about life, talk about blessings and hardships.

The last one that touched me was the gift of Mercy. Compassionate to those in distress. So many opportunities of that this journey has brought.... First time my son was in the PICU is one that sticks out....The gift of mercy means you are compassionate toward those who are in distress.



Yet sometimes I wish I had encouragement.....Often I don't, especially in the real world. I can see things online that encourages me but that's impersonal. The world is full of people willing to stab others in the back and full of hate.... Even often in places where you would least expect it. Everyone is so busy, so wrapped up in their life, their world that they forget about those who they even see as family or friends. Often I'm judged, looked down upon and or condemned for the things I say or post. More often, I struggle with just keeping my mouth shut feeling like others don't want to hear me. I admit sometimes I have a potty mouth, I try to keep it tamed. I really do. Yet I have been judged more harshly for that than those I see that sin "worse" than that...... That's not right either. 


One of the phrases that the tail end of the James study says is:

This makes me want to touch on something else in this post. If I didn't step on toes already, I will with this part. You've had your disclaimer.

I saw a pic on Facebook that I want you to really look at.

I said with this:

Till we are pro-life for the unborn AND the already born, we are not truly pro-life. Till we get ourselves to the mindset that no child deserves or does not deserve fair treatment, nourishment, love and healthcare, we will never be pro-life. When we see that ALL children have a right to those things and should be given as such, we will never be truly pro-life.

It's not about the rich deserve life and the poor do not. Either all do or do not. I vote that all do. Quit preaching right to life if you are not willing to help those have a quality of life. Don't insist on birth but then wash your hands of those children in need.

Where is your mercy and compassion?

Where is our mercy and compassion for all of those suffering? For all of those in need? For those honestly trying to make everything work and still failing... Are we all so cold anymore that we lost that? We are quicker to judge those around us than we are to stop, pray and maybe learn a little about them. I"m not saying that all of your money should go to those who are NOT doing anything to better themselves. HOWEVER maybe at least learn the stories of those around us, maybe then we can have more mercy and compassion for not just who they are but why they are the way they are. 

I first started to share my past with others when I was 11, almost 12. I got called a liar, I was told by my counselor at the time that I was a liar, that I made everything up and that I will never be believed. Soon after, that is when I wanted to kill myself..... I had nobody then..... In my mind I did not... Even soon after when I was in my 4th/5th (Same place twice. First time a few days, second time two weeks) placement, I was alone, nobody listened to me. They would rather drug me up and diagnose me with whatever labels they wanted than to listen to me. Even at my 6th placement, I was not heard..... I was no longer suicidal by the time I got out of no. 6 but I knew I was alone..... I was no longer in any placement by 15 1/2, I had just left my 8th placement. I didn't really begin to heal though till I was 20. 


Those in this world who were commanded to love like Christ, loved me the least. 

 
That was my world, overall my life. And I still struggle with it...... That's why stuff like what I'm about to say upsets me. It is NOT what we are commanded to be.... 

This is not who we are called to be..... Do I agree with the lifestyles sometimes? NO! Does that mean they are less than me? NO!! What were we taught? Love like Christ loved.


“Give me your tired, your poor, 
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: 
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

― Emma Lazarus


What happened to this? Now I'm not saying that everyone should just have free reign. However banning people, blaming all for the actions of a few, hatred, racism, etc. There isn't excuses for that... We need to keep our country safe indeed, keep the world safe... Yet this is also a fallen world.... And banning people just because they LOOK like terrorists for example is not what Emma had in mind.... Nor did God. 
 


Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

James 1:17
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

1 John 3:17
But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

Romans 12:13
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Galatians 6:2
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Philippians 2:4
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Acts 20:35
In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’


Shall I say more?


Eph 2:19-22
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,
And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.


Maybe if you use your paint colors, your spiritual gifts to make this world a better place, than those around you will not appear so "ugly" just because they aren't like you...... 


If people around you refuse to help themselves, we are commanded to love them anyway. However we are NOT commanded to enable their behavior or to act fools. We are not to tell them when they come to you upset that they are idiots and they asked for whatever. Even if they did, you show them love and compassion without enabling or encouraging the negative behavior. I'm nobody's doormat and I refuse to be however I have no problems listening to what stories or advice people seek. I tell them what I think.... I do not always do that as I should but I try.... God is working on me. 

Think about this though, what colors are you painting yourself and the world around you? What colors are you throwing onto others without even knowing them or their story, or simply what their day is like? Before throwing them under the bus, listen to their story, show compassion, look at life from their perspective. 

We whine and complain about how the world sees us as Christians, maybe it's time that instead of whining, we show action. We show what Christ really commanded of us. THEN maybe the world will judge us a little less. Besides, we aren't supposed to live as if we love what is in this world anyway, we should live for what comes after. 

Maybe if those who said they followed Jesus had loved me the way they should have, I wonder if my darkest point would have happened...... Yet because of that story, I know I have helped others, and maybe, just maybe that's when the healing really started. When I knew my story has shown others that they are not alone in a world that has no qualms about making them feel as if they are. 


Now go out there and share your story. Impact a life, encourage and give them hope......
 

Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

~ Special Momma ~  

GPS

To my Garmin GPS:
Voice Command!
"Say a command"
Find Place!
"Speak the name of a place."

"Ummmmm so where really am I? I have no idea where I am but I know where the destination is but what the heck is around me in the meantime?"


With GPS, you know where you are starting and where your final destination is. It tells you how far and how long. Yet unless you search for it, you are at it's mercy on the route it takes you. Even it doesn't know ahead of time of traffic, construction or any other delays that may come your way. The GPS I have has traffic updates on it so at least I can know what to expect ahead but even sometimes it doesn't always work.

How life works..... I know where my destination ultimately will be yet all of the curves, hills, mountains, valleys, "spooky" places, the really dark places, the sunny places, the storms, etc. GPS doesn't help with that.

Really I'm kinda all over in this post today. I was thinking about the journey, how much of a dark place I was almost two weeks ago, my last blog post touched a little on that. Crazy how some weeks can feel like such a roller coaster..... We have battles still going and going... No end in sight. I remember well the night of January 3rd recently. It was already a bad week and I was just getting pushed and pushed..... It's what spawned the last blog post but it wasn't to the peak yet.... Tuesday night I was driving headed to a small study I'm in. It's amazing I was even able to drive..... I was raging in the car. I was listening to this and raging..... I knew the next day I would have yet another fight to face and I was already worn and weary...... I won't even repeat half of what I said but I'll just say that I'm glad God has broad shoulders and can take what I dish at Him.... Yeah I did.... I was sobbing, yelling, words flew out that you would have been shocked to hear, you name it..... I was angry! I went to study, shared about that moment and going home I listened to this sobbing and yelling in the car again, yet more out of despair.....  That was the day I lost hope... Yeah I really did....

Here are some of the lyrics:

"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left"

I felt better by the time I got home but things weren't over yet..... I had not lost my faith but I had stumbled in the dark, I was wounded, bleeding and with nobody willing to find me and help me heal.

Silence sometimes is the loudest noise to ever be heard. 

credit

Those two days I felt like there was a cannon pointed at my face point blank range and at anytime someone with more power than me, was going to pull the trigger. (No I'm not talking suicide so don't get that in your head.) I mean that the fight was over, those with greater strength and numbers than me were going to win this anyway. I was just exhausted..... I was fed up,broken, I had lost almost all hope..... I was just done being the only one fighting..... God promises to provide everything we need yet that's felt like it was dangling in front of my face with breath being what would break the string..... I walked into that battle the next day and my heart felt like I was walking to the gallows..... Anxiety is real guys..... So are scars. Scars prove we survived, even the scars that nobody else sees, let alone understands.

I bought this the day I saw it, the day of the last battle for my kids.... Which I still have more work to do on that battle because things aren't getting done again..... 

Yet I can't help but think on this: 

I'm not going to get political here. However a lot of changes are happening in the world of healthcare, The ACA and Medicaid/Medicare programs across the country are changing, and without any answers, a lot of people are concerned, me being one.

I was not a fan of some of the stuff yet the idea that my children will not be punished for having a preexisting condition nor be "kicked off" after a 1M cap, which both have surpassed, were two of the biggest parts that children like mine need, and millions more children out there.


Is this what the world really has become? Even Jake in Avatar was "disabled" yet he went on to win a war that he didn't think could be won.


Yet I know we are some of the lucky ones thus far.... Sometimes it makes me wonder how much longer we will be lucky on getting things covered for the kids.... Yet it also makes me think on what plans God really has for them.

Though living in fear, anxiety of the next ball being dropped is no way to live either..... Fear is from the devil. That's what I hard on the radio Saturday... I prayed that I would no longer have fear and anxiety over seeing the SSI building, even driving by it, I would have no fear by letters that come in the mail, my anxiety would be gone when I have to speak to them.....
I saw one of the workers at church Sunday morning during praise and worship. I couldn't focus on my flute music because just by seeing her, my heart went in my chest and it got tight.....

What is wrong with me? Anxiety is real...... I would rather see all of the doctors my children see then to feel fear on stage and my music having nothing to do with it......

credit

So why am I struggling so much with this? I know God is in control, I know ultimately the war is already won, He has a plan that will ultimately be for the greater good so why the struggle? Why do I feel like I am getting nowhere? I have always struggled with seeing the bright side in things. I try, I really do but in my mind, I can't seem to help myself but wonder when the shoe will drop, what's the catch, etc. Nothing is unconditional in my mind.... It's hard not to think that when things are messed up or go wrong that it's my atonement or punishment for something I did or didn't do before.

Yet my heart has always been towards those who have had it bad. I like hearing their stories, I like sharing mine. My heart has always been with those who have been abused, neglected, hated, despised, rejected, disowned, and more...... So many look at them and ignore them or just throw the book at them. Oh yeah crimes need punished yet they weren't born thinking they will turn out like that. I didn't..... I got out of my pit..... I have fallen in others over the years but nothing like the one when I was 12 and was literally ready to be six feet under.....

Yet I still struggle too..... Yet knowing that this blog, my story, the journey with my kids, has helped others makes it all worth it...... Even on the dark days...

So often I have fallen off the path, I have fallen off a cliff, into thorns, not knowing where I am or even sometimes how I got there. Most of the times I had to figure out how to get out on my own, wounded or not, bleeding or not, I had to pull myself up and out.

Yet by being alone, I have learned how to do it on my own, with nobody else. As frustrating as being alone is sometimes, it made me learn to do it and also made me see that I can do it. It made me see that even if everyone else has left, which often has, that I alone with God can do it..... There are days I think I can't..... There are days that I'm just ready to say screw the world and just forget about everything. Yet I don't. And I won't.


Because I know out there, someone needs me, someone needs my story, someone needs to see that struggles hurt like hell but they make us stronger. Even in a storm of my own with my son's first major surgery, I was able to help and pray over another family.... That is what I gotta focus on.

Pray with me on this..... That I can see the bigger picture..... Pray that instead of me watching for every storm cloud that heads my way with anxiety that I can focus on the sun that is shining in the moment..... That when I get caught up in appointment planning, financials, travel, therapies, meetings, etc. that I focus on what really matters......


My GPS may be taking me in places that I have no idea, that I fear, that I dread yet I need to remember that I will be traveling to wonderful places also, I just gotta focus on where I am on the map and find the gems in that among the coal and ashes....... And most of all to overcome the fear and anxiety of the journey.....


Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Stumbling in Darkness

"....they are children stumbling in the dark, searching for guidance. A gift can often be a curse. Give someone wings, and they may fly too close to the sun." ~ Charles Xavier from X-Men Apycalypse ~

This is me..... I saw this movie for the first time the other day and didn't really have the quote sink in till I watched it again to catch the stuff I missed the first time. Charles explains me perfectly, except I'm not a "mutant" despite that often I wonder if there is a defect with me...... "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

Ephesians 3:16‭-‬19 NLT

Why is this such a struggle for me? "Willpower is a very poor strategy for the ongoing transformation of our character in the Christian life." Is that it? My willpower sucks? If growing spiritually = less sinful behavior (Col. 2:6-7) than why do I struggle with where my place is? Where am I? Where should I be right here, right now?

In James, Sunday morning we were talking about judgment. For a time I was facing a period, especially after my son was born, where I would feel like I was judged by many, mainly for having another special needs child. I also have for them being on SSI/Medicaid. What choice do I have? I could go on a healthcare and insurance rant but not now. There are times I still struggle with it.... I'm not guiltless, in fact, probably in feeling the judgment/condemnation from others, I too have judged them.... It's one reason why I'm better as a hermit so often. Less hurt. So therefore the less I'm around others, the less they can do to me and if they truly cared, they would check on me, and they don't. Texts go unanswered, I sit alone, Everything is small talk.... I'm used to people giving up on me, it's nothing new. So many say they won't but they all eventually do. Eventually. Their silence is telling, but I can't make myself listen......

Yet a devotional that was sitting on a bathroom counter suggested that we talk and feel about our faith as If we were madly in love with someone and that's all we think and talk about. I know I'm saved yet why has my heart never felt that? Do I not know how? Do I lack faith? An I unworthy compared to those that do feel their faith like that? Is that why I have always fought feeling love from anyone? Everything is conditional in life, so is that why my struggle? I feel like God is conditional even though I don't think that's my issue. I know God's love isn't conditional as He can forgive the "worst of the worst" yet then why do I not have that fire within me? Has my heart been beaten so much and relentlessly the last 30+ years that now I'm numb?

Is it that with this cold, heartless world that I too have grown cold? Not cold in hate filled but in that I would anymore rather stay a hermit at home than deal with with the fact that I'm a social outcast, a pebble in everyone's shoes that they would rather well rid of me. So cold in the sense of distant. Like how I explained earlier..... If you have seen the first three "prequels" to the X-Men, you learn the stories of especially how Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr begin their journeys. I told my husband that in some ways I relate to Erik the most. Of course I have not done much of what he has, yet because of their early lives, I understand Erik the most. Are these struggles why everyone gives up on me? Almost everyone I have ever known since I was born gave up on me. 99% of everyone has, and I feel like it's a matter of time before the rest do. Why would it stop now? I'm thankful that those in my house have not. At least not yet. My words to God right now would be this: "Sorry I'm not everything I wanted to be for you. I know it's not too late because until time runs out, it's not over. Yet I wish I knew why these struggles..... I try so hard to keep finding the rainbow in the storm, the silver lining, the candle among the darkness. Yet sometimes it's so hard..... Sometimes our feelings are so deep, they become our graves.... One can't trust feelings yet when all I hear in my heart is silence, how do I know what and where I should be? What is my place in the grand scheme of things? We are all but pieces of tiny grains of sand in the vast universe. We all were born and someday we all will die. Even the wealthiest can't postpone eventual death. Pride comes before a fall and so we should stay humble as we are all worth the same, right?" If we are all worth the same to God, then why can't we see each other like that? Why must we rank those around us as we do? Why can't you sit by the "nerd" the "outcast" the "ugly" the "social outcast" the "outsider" or even the "She's not from here" person? Why do we all make promises than break them like shattered glass? When that glass breaks, do you know who and what you really pierce with it as the shards fall? Do you care to know? Do you know what your words and actions really mean? Do you not see that the words spoken or not spoken can impact those around you for a lifetime? Think on that.... 

 ~ Special Momma ~