One thing her book says in week 4 is "We believe that we are loved and not despised, held and not forsaken, cherished and not rejected, enjoyed and not just endured."
How can one hang on to that promise when that is the very thing I have struggled with my whole life?
Something Beth said in session 2, "If we have bondage, we are living in unbelief" So would that mean that anybody who has a hurt, habit or hang-up is living in unbelief? Does that mean then that if we have any sin in our life, either repetitive or not, we are in unbelief? Does that mean programs like Celebrate Recovery are in vain because then according to Beth, we are unbelievers then who believe we believe? Is it all just then a figment of our imaginations that we are at all right with God?
James 2:22 says, "You see that faith was active together with his works, and by works, faith was perfected." He says that without works, how can faith be seen? How can others see the faith in us if we have nothing to show for it?
So then when you have someone like me who has the faith and has shown works, yet many say or I feel as if my works isn't/are not good enough or I need to just shut up in what I say, how then can I know that I am in the right place?
Day 4 in week 3 talks about folly of favoritism. James 2:1-7
"Favoritism Forbidden
My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are blaspheming the noble name of him to whom you belong?"
Soon after Beth gives the example of you being in a small group study. "Two contrasting people walk in that "don't belong", what happens then? Which one do we seat well, so to speak? Note how pitifully little has changed in what determines our prejudgment. It's much of it still about attire?"
It happens all the time. This world is full of that. My earlier posts speak of this. The better you look, the better you dress, the more money you have, the more friends you have, etc. the more respect you have. The more likability you have.
"Believers with more trust God with less. In some ways, it's simple math. Have much/need little. Have little/need much. Blessed are those who need God. Blessed are those who need Him enough to know Him enough to love Him enough to KNOW he's enough."
"The Christians do not simply discriminate against the poor, but they do so in favor of the rich." The study goes on to say, "This means that they are siding with the very class which both historically and at present persecutes the impoverished believer. They have made the church into a tool of persecution; they have, in effect, sided with the devil against God."
OUCH
Yet even Solomon had everything. EVERYTHING he ever wanted, and at the end of his life, it was all meaningless. All of that turned to ashes.
One of the questions asked in day 3 of week 3 was: "Where does God stir up your passion?"
Mine is for the hurting, the unloved, the outcasts, the disabled, the "weak". Why? I am that. I have been that. I see that. I lived that. So therefore I can sit with someone else who is that and hopefully show them that they are not alone like they feel.
James goes on to say later in 2:14-16 "Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead
What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?"So then are my works just not good enough? I'm no Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer but is anything I'm doing really good enough? Then I had a thought:
We blew through Bible Study last night, (gods at war) I had many thoughts about the lesson and still do.... There were things I wanted to share but there wasn't enough time. There are days I hold my head high and say being a hermit is the best thing for me because then I don't have to bother with drama. Yet it further shows just how quickly people are forgotten about. As much as I want to say that doesn't bother me any, it honestly does and yet it also further cements in that being a hermit is a good thing. Why fight to fit in or be a part of a group when it only makes you stand out and look like a fool more? When the reaching out you do, is in vain, trying to find my place only yields foolishness and me looking like an idiot. Life has proven that to be true.
The chapter on the god of success in the gods at war book had one question that had me thinking..... There are many things that I would hope I would have done, have achieved or at least know I did right. Yet every month I know I will have a continued battle with at least SSI if not insurance, doctors and more. I fight alone. Just how it is. Even Moses and everyone else in the Bible had to do the work, God didn't do it all for them. He just provided the way. I struggle with often having discontentment with myself for not getting things done I had hoped I would have. Not thinking of stuff like keeping a perfect house type thing. I'm talking about the constant battles, fights, isolation, etc. If I was good enough, maybe then things would go right type of thing. Maybe if I was good enough, for even God's favor that the fight wouldn't be so long and hard.... And most of all, there would be support for myself and others like me.
I had many thoughts going through my head last night walking to get my kids. Groups of women were ahead and behind me just chattering away and I was alone in my world, in my thoughts. Sometimes I probably do just think too much.... Much of what I just shared is what I was thinking about.....
Is Beth Moore right? Or am I misinterpreting it?
So is that where I am? That because my deeds are not good enough, I'm spiritually dead? That because I have fought bondage my whole life, that I am living in unbelief, despite my faith? Is that why I struggle with what I do? Am I really just not good enough? Celebrate Recovery is a place where at least I feel at home. I'm in a place with broken people like me, people like me with struggles, hurts, habits and hangups. If that is wrong then I'm sorry but that is the only place where I feel safe, at home, at a place where I can share what is on my heart and mind and know that I am not hated for it, despised for it, told to shut up for it, an outcast for it, the woman with the scarlet letter. I am none of that there.
Then I had a thought:
Maybe we all need to be more like Jesus. Quit looking at the outside of people and their lifestyle and instead start looking at their hearts. Look hard, look into their heart and seek to comfort the wounds, the scars, the pain instead of adding to it.
I pray when it is my day to stand in judgment, I can at least say that even though I may not have mattered to those around me, that those were around me know that they mattered. Most of all that my children will know that I will always have their back and fought for them, even when nobody else would. That's more than I ever had. And as I get older, I see that nothing has changed.
The loudest most persistent voice isn't what you hear with your ears but what is left in your mind with your thoughts. That is what echos inside your head.
Again, maybe we all need to be more like Jesus. Quit looking at the outside of people and their lifestyle and instead start looking at their hearts. Look hard, look into their heart and seek to comfort the wounds, the scars, the pain instead of adding to it.
Let's work on reaching out to those that are hurting, in pain, in bondage, and show them mercy and grace, just like Jesus did us. Let's take legalism out and just show Jesus, as He would want us to.
Yet even though most of my days are to myself, I pray that at least someone in the cyber world is touched by my words, understands my words, and is lifted up or at least sees that they are not alone in their struggles through my words. That is what this blog is really about. Finding the rainbow in the storm.
Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~
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