Music

Music... Something that has always been in my life.....

Music sets the tone for everything.

Music lifts but also lowers the spirit.

Music for some is just a CD, for others it's a way of life.

Seasons change in everyone's life at one time or another. The music we listen to over time changes and often we get songs stuck in our heads, remember people by songs, laugh, scream, cry and sing to songs we know.

Music is something everyone knows about. For me, I grew up around music. Not just records and cassettes. (Yes, I gave my age away. lol)

My maternal grandpa was a music teacher and trombone player. My mom and her siblings all played instruments as well. I was almost 12 when I was presented with my first flute. An Artley student flute it was. Started playing in beginning band when I was 12. Did band starting in 7th grade. One of my fellow flutists at that time never gave up on me, even though she never knew how dark my life really was at that time..... Most of my years of playing I had to learn on my own. No private lessons most years. Too expensive. Yet playing was one of the best things I ever could have done. I have many fond memories now because I did. Winning state in '96 was just one. Marching Band with WHS. Grandpa never knew this but it also helped during one of the darkest times of my life when I battled the worst depression I had ever had. The band director we had at WHS was so much like my grandpa..... He died when i was a senior at a different high school. My director there found out the morning of a competition..... That day I dedicated our show to him. Our program was called, The 4th Angel. Amazing show despite barely getting to State. 

My dream for being like my grandpa died not when he did, but a few years later. My music dreams died when I was a senior in high school when college for a music education major was out of my grasp. I still play because I enjoy it. My senior year was perfect in that realm because I got first flute but third chair. No piccolo parts nor flute solos. lol I also got a Division I at State Solo & Ensemble that year so I was happy. Yet disappointed that what private lessons I was getting then was ended because I was not majoring in any form of music. My then Armstrong 80B flute was collecting dust.... When I moved to Arkansas I was given an opportunity to play at my church which I have done for almost 10 years now. Soon after I also started playing with our local community band. I am nowhere near as good as I once was nor will I probably ever be but at least I can still play. After I started playing with the community band, I started on a Yahama 461H flute which was a HUGE improvement to what I had, for how I play. Took some getting used to. Over time I started to get over stage fright, which was always a struggle.

My struggle right now is where does God really want me to be? There is better talent in my church than me and I'm doubting if I belong on stage now..... 

What's funny is in high school, I was a band geek who dressed preppy but listened to rock music. I still do but I listen to a lot of stuff. Christian rock mostly now. RED is a favorite. In high school all I wanted was to teach music like my grandpa did. I wanted to go to college and major in it..... Yet even though playing music was always enjoyable, life rarely was, still hard to see it like that. I would listen to music that would feed anger or depression. Even now it's still a struggle some days.

I'm about to completely change the topic but it's connected. 

Matthew 13: 5-6
"Others fell on the rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil. But when the sun had risen, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away."

I know Ken Freeman had another explanation for this parable but sometimes I do feel as if I was planted among the rocks and the desolate. Nobody has it completely easy. If they do, they are spoiled brats. :) See how in this crack, surrounded by asphalt this weed is growing? It's desolate and alone yet growing despite the environment.

Why do I think I was planted away from everything else? I have always struggled with many things in life. Much has been handed to me over the years and other times it's my own battles with the mind.

I heard a song recently that I hadn't heard in years. Sorry for the single word in here.... https://youtu.be/5CO-QL6oErY It brought back many memories. Again, music. There are songs that remind me of my past, songs that lift me up, songs that feed sadness, anger, but also joy and hope. That song fed depression. There were things I had to deal with that I was at that time in the process of.

"I am not here
I think I've never been here at all or ever will
I feel like a place
Where no one goes anymore

Why can't you see that everything's broken
And why can't you see that my life's turned gray?
I can't believe in anything sacred
When I don't believe that I am real"

Another one called, Away from the sun by 3 Doors Down is a frequent flyer too...

"It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know"

Yet even recently I was fighting moments of isolation, desolation, broken solace, jealousy, frustration, anger..... Yeah..... Not at my household but at life.

Then I try to listen to stuff like Just Be Held by Casting Crowns.

"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held
Just be held"

My life has always been one of hardship and triumph, full of doubts, fears, worry, and isolation. Somehow I never quite fit in to any one 'mold' that is expected of me to fit in to society or groups within a community. Always been that way. I am by no means stupid but I do take a little longer to get things to 'click' in my head. I have always been one to show expression in writing and music mostly. I usually try to not show much emotion to the outside world in fear of judgment and condemnation. I hold it in and release it through writing and through what music I listen to. Just always been that way. It's amazing I graduated from community college with an associates in Early Childhood Education back in 2003......

That is why I think God planted me in a desolate spot. Often I think of it as atonement but I am seeing that perhaps it's not. After 30+ years, maybe it's really not. Maybe it's to make my thick head learn to count on only Him and nobody else. Maybe it's so that those who are worse off than me can see that people like me struggle too.... Maybe it's to give others hope when over the years I kept being told I had no hope. Everyone but my grandfather and a child psychologist I had for a few years early on had given up on me. Everyone...... It's hard for me to trust people, even now. Those who say they are here for me or things like that, I honestly don't trust because over the years, everyone who ever said that, ran. Many even before any storms rolled in......

Yet being planted in desolation gives me time to reflect on life, what I have been dealt and time alone to deal with what gets handed to me. I don't like it sometimes but it is what it is. It often makes me think of the analogy of Holland vs Italy. My journey was destined for Italy but I got dropped off in Holland instead.

Even today though, I had a moment of my heart being pulled at me. I didn't show it but it is still in my head. Another thing often in my head I admit it is how God can really love me. Okay okay, I know what the Bible says, I believe in Christ who died for me. I know why He died. I get it. Yet why don't I feel His love often? Is it because of my past, despite that I have dealt with that?

The music in my head is what I often write into words, often here. The songs I play reflect how I am feeling or thinking about. The flute that I play is in a way a release but also as a way to make my grandpa proud of where I am. Even though I cannot visit him, when I do things with music either composition or playing my flute it brings me back.

Yet some days, even that doesn't hide the desolation my journey is. That is when I write.

Sometimes I wonder if grandpa would be proud of where I am now. Would he be proud of my kids? Would those who said I would never make it or amount to anything be shocked with where I am now? What about God? Is He pleased?

Someday the song of my journey will end and I hope the symphony carries on through my children. As crazy as life gets, as much ups and downs as it has, I wonder what kind of 'music composition' will be left after me. What kind of concerto will be written?

Now that my blog post has gone all over the place, I will call it a night. Now that my brain is empty of words for now. For now. ;) As many emotions I had writing this, I hope this makes sense......

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Happy Thanksgiving

No matter how dark or light our lives are in our stages of life, we can always have something to be thankful for. Today on Thanksgiving, I want to wish you all a good and safe one and leave you with this favorite story.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Thanksgiving Roses
Author unknown


Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind.

Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week an
d the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. THEN! Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

"She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.

"I....I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara...let me get your order."

She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers?

She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again." She said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ahh, that lady just left with, uh....she left with no flowers!"

"That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "WHY? WHY Me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is, I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving
arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously.

"Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny, here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us.

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too...fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious.

We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment.

"I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read:

My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses, thank Him for the thorns.

We are broken, not bitter

So close yet so far. Heart aches yet nobody sees it. So many faces yet I am a mere ghost. I am seen but yet I am not. They say I am loved but am I really? If I was, wouldn't they want to value friendship? Value time? Value your company?

If one is loved, then why does the world show otherwise? Why in the midst of the trials in life, do they flee?

Why is it that those you think will be an anchor with you, abandon and leave you alone to fight? Why do they choose to stab you when you are blind to them?

Why is it the ones you least expect this from, give it to you first?

Stick with me here.

We aren't called to walk in this world alone but so often it seems as if you are. Sometimes walking in solace is good. Sometimes being alone is good. Often it is not. Yet why do we often feel as if our solace is broken? Solace means peace in times of trial.

"But rains pour down upon us, storm clouds darken the skies and we get lost in the storm. Have you been there? Wandering in the darkness, crying out only to be greeted with utter silence?"
~ Lesley Hitchens ~

"I may not be out of the dark yet. I may not be standing in full sunshine. But the moon has risen in the dark, and it’s full, and it’s bright, and I can imagine the sunlight on the horizon. For now, that’s enough." ~ Beth Woolsey ~

Many of us aren't bitter, we are broken. Broken from years of lies, backstabbing and outright hate.

Years of broken promises, false love, false security. Years of being told by others that they are your friend and there for you and yet it's all a lie. We are broken, not bitter.

We are promised that we could have a mentor, friend or someone like that, yet when times get tough and they start to see the ugly in you that every single one of us have, they back away.

They see all of you and they run. You rarely hear from them if at all....

They all say you are irreplaceable yet it's in the storms, in the dark, you are replaced because nobody wants to deal with it with you.

It is then that you realize you really are alone...... Yet we are not because God is with us, even if we can't feel it..... Sometimes it's all but impossible to see that. Sometimes....

It's hard to feel God's love when you don't feel loved by most around you. It's hard to feel like we matter to anyone when they don't value us. It is hard to see ourselves when the world sees us as a broken reflection. It is hard to see the love in this world when our eyes have been shattered too many times that we can't see it any other way.

We are broken, not bitter.

Yet once something is broken, it is never the same.

Glass once broken shatters. Even if you put every piece back together in it's proper places, it doesn't look the same. It's been broken.

Yet sometimes in that brokenness, beauty can be found in the most unlikely places. Think of a glass mosaic. All pieces of broken glass intended likely for something else. Yet put together with glue, plaster, etc. to make the most interesting creation.

Feel free...... There are days that we feel trapped but we truly are free, if we allow ourselves to be. In the end, nobody's opinion matters but God's. Even if the pain that others inflict on us created us to be broken, not bitter. Maybe it is time to release ourselves from those who make us feel broken. If they won't change, then we must be the ones to make the change happen.  Don't become bitter as this leads to hate and apathy.


I shared other thoughts last night in the post titled, Night Reflections

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~




"God uses broken people like you and me to rescue broken people like you and me."
~ Eddie Cortes ~

Night Reflections

This pic is an older one I took but even as it rained last night on my way home from community band, my thoughts were going. My son right now has a common illness but still no fun. I'm just glad it happened now and not during a time of appointments that we really had to have for him. Looking on TimeHop (An 'on this day' in the past app) it's crazy to see where we have been. A year ago I was already waiting on my son's first MRI that would be a few months later. Two years ago today a tornado hit where I used to live at in Indiana, and was the funeral for a fellow cranio patient I had the honor to meet in Louisville back in 2011... Three years ago my daughter was still recovering from surgery, and five years ago we were dealing with a new asthma diagnosis with my daughter.

It's always at night or on drives that thoughts go in my head the most.... Hence, night reflections. In the rains and storms, the roads are hard to see sometimes, especially at night. The lights reflect back so much that it almost looks like your road is a mirror. The journey feels like that sometimes..... Yet after the storms, so much is made clearer.

This pic was after the storms and rain moved out. It was much more brilliant than my camera can get. Soon after though, I got this as the sun was setting.

Darkness was falling upon us and night was coming yet sometimes as the storms, as the dark rolls into our lives, we can know the good and beauty that comes out of it. We can't see the brilliance of the moon without it being dark first. Light is brighter the darker it is.

Sometimes it's so hard to remember this but we must......

Sometimes the journey feels like it's midnight and we are climbing up the steep mountain of vanity it feels like and despite the little light from the moon shining down upon us, we feel like we are about to fall to our death.We look up and we can see the stars and the moon in the sky during our climb but as a foot slips, we also look down into the never ending dark abyss below and wonder how long we can keep holding on...... 

I can't find the quote right now for the life of me to properly post it here but the one I know, it basically says that sometimes when the moon is full and bright in a dark time of our lives, we can use that to remember that dawn will come. Accept the full moon for now and the light it gives.

Here it is, I finally found it. "I may not be out of the dark yet. I may not be standing in full sunshine. But the moon has risen in the dark, and it’s full, and it’s bright, and I can imagine the sunlight on the horizon. For now, that’s enough."
Quoted from HERE
Hang on to even that last thread of the rope that you are clinging to because dawn will come, you will have your footing again and you will make it.

Hang in there!
~ Special Momma ~

Glowing in the Dark

I have had this in waiting working on it but then never got back to it.... Sorry about that... Life tends to sometimes get crazy....

Anyway,
This was another snippet that came from our revival recently with Ken Freeman I wanted to share about.


We all have seen things that glow in the dark. Things from stars to cups to stickers to paint and even on some clothing. Yet what does it take to glow in the dark? It doesn't just do it on it's own does it? No. Glow in the dark doesn't work without light. The longer and brighter the light is, the brighter and longer the glow will last before it dims out.

Even if you break it, it will still glow as long as it's been exposed to light before being in darkness.

Yet a glow stick, you have to break it before it will glow, however it can only glow once and then it's over. You can never make that glow again.

How are we going to be? Will we stay in the light so therefore when it is dark, we will stay glowing till it is light again? Though we may dim over time in the darkness, we will still be the brightest thing showing in that darkness.



That time in the darkness can really test us..... On bad days I try to listen to uplifting music only but there are a few that I listen to that reflects my mood. Away from the Sun by 3 Doors Down is one of them.

"It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Oh no yeah

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Now I can't tell what I've done
Now again I found myself so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I found myself so far down
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down away from the sun again
Oh no yeah"
That's a song about depression. Depression can be some of the darkest times in one's life..... Yet no matter how dark it gets, the light we have no matter how bright, will be seen the best the darker it is. The thing we have to remember is to cling to the Light, no matter what. Never lose the faith no matter how dim life seems in the moment, it will get better.... We all just have to hang on for the ride and see who can hang on with us through it. Look at it like this, at least we can have fun watching how funny some look falling off our ride that was given to us. I just pray that we ourselves don't..... And if we do, it doesn't hurt too badly to get back up and keep going.... We have no other choice....

Yet think of this too which is what I will end with.
How far away can a single candle flame be seen in darkness? If Earth were flat, or if you were standing atop a mountain surveying a larger-than-usual patch of the planet, you could perceive bright lights hundreds of miles distant. On a dark night, you could even see a candle flame flickering up to 30 mi. (48 km) away. Our eyes can see a galaxy 2.6 million light-years away. That's just our human eyes!

How incredible is that?! Focus on the light, no matter what. This is a dark world, so how will you be the light for someone else?

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~