The scars we wear

I'm going to start a several post series on this kind of topic. It's not where I thought I would go but I feel like the need is there..... Even for locals in this town. The posts will be very dark but the places of light in those posts will shine very bright among the dark. I think it's something that needs talked about.....


I've been told that my story shouldn't be told, that I just need to be quiet. I've been told that I tell too much in this blog. I've been encouraged that I should just cover up my scars so people won't ask. I've been told that I just need to see a shrink and deal with things that way. I've been told that sharing my story will get CPS called on me and more....



Why? If others showed me compassion and love instead of hate and condemnation, my life would be very different, yet my story would not be able to help others.

Is it any wonder people don't talk about their PAST? The scars we wear? It's all a matter of fear....

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Khalil Gibran ~



I've even been told that because my son has two major head scars with more to come, that I should just encourage him to grow his hair out so his scars won't be seen. Scars shouldn't matter in that.... Really... Here's why.

Scars tell a story that needs told.... You never know what your scars will do for someone else.

"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."

― from "Faithful: A Novel"

Honestly my fear in doing the posts isn't sharing my story, it's the crap I'll get from family and possible locals..... Though being an outsider already, I don't think that will change much.....


Many thoughts were going through my head last night thinking about the past the present and the future thinking about where I've been the present and where am I going. Thinking about Shelby and her story wondering and thinking about my own life, about where my story will touch somebody else or change their life.

One thing I've not really had is unconditional love and real, true friends who either didn't flee at the first sign of a storm on the horizon, just forget about me or didn't stab me in the back with betrayal. I test everyone.... I have to... Saves from being betrayed. Almost nobody passes my test.

Something about that book Faithful has triggered something within me. What I don't know but something did. I don't know if it was how the story started, with Shelby locked up in a mental ward trapped within herself, the fact that one second in time changed her entire life, or that it took her over 10 years to finally be free again. I don't know what spawned me to read that Kindle book, as I had never heard of Alice Hoffman but I did... I finished it within two days.....

So....... Here goes nothing.....


.......

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I'll start with a post I made recently... Just before I found that Hoffman book. Here are my not so beautiful thirty something year old legs....

These scars I have always been ashamed of. Always hid. Rarely let seen let alone told about. Many know my story, several know the name, few know the face. These scars tell the story of childhood depression, abuse, suffering. They tell the story of years of nobody listening to a child try to tell the truth. I was 8 when I was sent away the first time. I was 12 when most of these scars were self inflicted with a box cutter on two different occasions. It had not been my first but my legs were my worst. I really did want to die... I was nothing to anybody. I was destined to be a failure everyone said, a burden to society, destined to live in a psych ward or prison. I was better off dead...... Much of this wasn't from kids at school.... To them I was just a worthless nobody. Nobody knows of all the marks I had from pushpins and needles before and after the boxcutter was done till now. Nobody knew that I prayed to a god who I figured hated me like everyone else did, that I would just die in my sleep and be done with a world that hated me and who wanted nothing to do with me but to use and abuse me. Many nights before and after that happened, I prayed like that..... Nobody knew of those till now. I was sent away days later after using the box cutter the first time and put away for much longer after the second. Later I told how it was God that stopped me from slicing my wrists like I wanted, both times. It was my legs instead.... I was 15 when I was last in a group home. Quite a handful of residential treatment facilities, psych wards, group homes and a foster home all in that 7 years between 8-15. I will get more into the times away in another post. I was 19 when I really faced the trauma I survived.


I still have demons I face. My struggles now stem from rejection and being unloved by pretty much everyone...... To this day even.... I would rather be in control of the world around me than to let one more person "take the wheel" and screw up everything.... And that's another topic for later....


I had decided that since I had survived all that I did, I vowed at 18 that never again would I not be heard. Never again will I deal with being called a liar for the truth. Never again would anybody determine my destiny. Never again will I be silenced.


I may scream out In a world that drowns me out yet I know some hear my voice. I know my story has changed some. People wonder why I beat a dead horse over my blog posts. Because if I don't call out injustice, inequality and hypocrisy, who will?


So I have decided that for the first time, I will wear clothing this summer that shows my legs without worry, without apprehension, without fear. When people ask, I will tell. Why? Because I am not afraid of my scars. They have faded a lot in the 23 years since but they are still there. Not all are but the deepest ones I made remain on both legs.


 This post is for everyone who has struggled.... The next posts will be as well.

Many teens and even adults hurt themselves physically as a way to try and relieve the hurt that is taking over their lives. Cutting is behavior that stems from depression, which is a much deeper problem than the marks in your skin. Self-injury is considered to be an addiction, and it's not easy to just stop. Behaviors include, but are not limited to:

Cutting
Burning
Picking or interfering with wound healing
Infecting oneself
Punching/hitting self or objects
Inserting objects in to skin
Bruising or breaking bones and
Some forms of hair pulling

It's not only a stress relief but also a cry for someone to notice that something is wrong in their lives. A guy or girl who hurts themselves may feel empty, lonely, fearful, or is unable to express his or her feelings. The act may have been brought out because of past abuse or depression. Cutting is a result of a deeper issue within the heart.

If you are struggling with self-harm yourself, please find help in a trusted adult right now. Even though these actions may seem like they help, they could eventually develop into even greater struggles like addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even eating disorders, or worse..... In fact, you may be dealing with some of that right now. But, you don't have to suffer alone. You really don't...... Call the crisis hotline at least, where you will speak with someone anonymously.

1-800-273-8255

If you know someone who cuts, have compassion, show them love, embrace them. (Ephesians 4:32). They are struggling and don't know how else to deal with their pain. Don't judge or condemn them. It's not their "fault" or something they're doing to hurt you. God wants to heal them, and you can help. Galatians 6:2 says to "bear one another's burdens." How can you love your friend and show them that they matter to you and to God?

Silence is the enemy of truth. That's how I see many things..... My scars tell a story and I will not be afraid to put a face, a name, even a label to that story. Not anymore. Because the more I can help bring them back from depression, despair, from suicide, the more I know my story is not in vain. The hardest thing to heal from isn't the physical wounds we leave on ourselves, it is the emotional and mental that not just others put on us but what we too put on ourselves....

The next few posts will be similar to this... Yet if you know someone who could use the words I shared here, please share.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

"I see this woman who is really focused, very strong, and her heart is changing toward more love now, She is moving on in life but also trying to build other peoples' lives. She is doing something which she never thought she would do." ~ MoniCa Singh ~ Survived a brutal acid attack and is overcoming.

Medicaid

This is going to be a hot post but one I think I have to do. Healthcare has always been a hot topic for me but even more so recently. In Sunday School this last Sunday we were starting to wrap up our James study so we were reviewing all of James. The one we talked of the most was James 2:1-9 which says:

"My brothers and sisters, do not show prejudice if you possess faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. For if someone comes into your assembly wearing a gold ring and fine clothing, and a poor person enters in filthy clothes, do you pay attention to the one who is finely dressed and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and to the poor person, “You stand over there,” or “Sit on the floor”? If so, have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil motives? Listen, my dear brothers and sisters! Did not God choose the poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor! Are not the rich oppressing you and dragging you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme the good name of the one you belong to? But if you fulfill the royal law as expressed in this scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. But if you show prejudice, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as violators."

Now part of what also got brought up was panhandlers in this area. Some are sincere, others are not. There is one in particular who has been seen as not in need but getting anyway because he can. One said that he refuses to give to any of them, mainly the younger ones because they can get jobs instead.

Honestly the first thought I had was to all the stories I have heard about over the years of kids who are or were homeless. Many of them weren't runners, many of them were simply unwanted, kicked out, abandoned..... What do we do for them? They dirt too? No, dirt wasn't the term used at all but yet the very attitude was there.... I don't hold it against him for saying this but I do think that light needs shown on that.

I also got to thinking of the institutions I was in and out of from 8-15. Mental wards, juvy, short term psych floors at hospitals, foster homes, group homes, etc. Is that how the world saw people like me? I know those that knew me saw me like that but did the rest of the world put us in that mold also? I did grow up feeling very unloved and unwanted for most of my life...... For the reasons that nothing has changed now.... The social statuses we label those around us with. 

Then the question got asked, from James ch. 2 what touched us the most. I mentioned those verses. Why? Not just because of what was said in class but of what has been said of me. My kids get SSI, which is a government based program. That is the only "help" we get. That's it. Yet I have been accused of just sitting at home on my butt doing nothing to better us. I'm told that since I "stay at home all day" I should have a perfect house, I have time to be the perfect housewife and not ask for anything. The best one is "You had your kids, you chose your kids, you deal with it and quit mooching off of everyone else."

I was surprised I didn't start with the tears in class sharing because I started getting fired up on this.... I shared how that despite my husband working full time, with pretty decent insurance, we still have to have Medicaid for my kids.... Therapies and hearing aids are not covered at all under our primary and so much more just isn't covered enough.....  I deal with most everything at home, appointments, meetings, fights with SSI, fights with insurance, I travel alone with the kids for most appointments, sometimes for days out of town. If I worked also, it would hurt us more because we would no longer have Medicaid. I would have to make like at least 40k a year just to break even. No emergency fund or anything. (Not that we have anyway because of SSI rules but...) Imagine trying to get days in a row off at least three or more times a year. Let alone the half days I would have to take to make appointments work. Think I could keep a job with those demands? Let alone keep a job AND make the entire budget balance? I think not...... Let's not get on the subject of when my kids needs surgeries and miss weeks of school.

Now, as to Medicaid, rumors are all over the place in this state. Arkansas is ranked as one of the worst in good care for those on Medicaid. Yet many of us fear that the direction Arkansas politicians are taking it will only make it worse. One representative has personally told me that Medicaid either cuts services or goes bankrupt. They are not looking at other options for revenue. They assume that raising taxes is the only option.

Here's some of what is being said by the "fat cat bureaucrats who run the show yet know nothing about medical necessity." Now granted Roger Marshall is in Kansas while Charlie Collins is in Arkansas but you see where things come in here.

   Source

From Twitter

None of these people consider families and individuals with disabilities. Or at least they don't show it.... It takes into consideration what providers want, how to save money for big health care, and puts too much power out to too few people. That's the goal in this....


Here's the goal for cutting Medicaid federally, let alone via the states. Arkansas is ranked among the lowest in the US for not just healthcare but also for Medicaid coverage as it is.

    

     

   

Let's break that down:

There is even discrimination among those who need an organ transplant. Don't think it doesn't happen? Here's one mom sharing her story. "I saw an example of discrimination when my son was being evaluated for a lung transplant. At the time, he was a foster child and they were really concerned about his social status." Thankfully the child recovered but they were more concerned about the social status of a child than his need.



Yet even the politicians, all they think of us is lazy leeches who need a job and that all we do is live off of benefits just because we want to. Many have said that too! You read what even Roger Marshall said to a group of many just like him!
Speaking this morning in defense of House Republicans' Obamacare replacement plan, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz said that rather than “getting that new iPhone that they just love,” low-income Americans should take they money they would have spent on it and “invest it in their own health care.”
Source  And another Source 

Let's start with the most generous comparison, and post it that someone wants to buy the most expensive iPhone — a brand new 7 without a contract and with the luxurious “Plus” version's 5.5" screen — which has a sticker price of $769. With tax, that comes to around $800.

Conversely, a year of individual insurance coverage on the open market will run you about $393 per month, or $4,617 per year, per eHealth. For the purpose of this comparison we'll assume you're a healthy individual who doesn't have to worry about deductibles (which run over $4,000 for these plans), and that that $4,617 is all you have to pay.

To put things in perspective for just our family, we pay about 4k a year for insurance. Our co-pay for in network is 35/55 per doctor's visit. Prescriptions range from 20-70 for only covered meds. Deductible is 1k/2k at 80/20 and our out of pocket max for us is 3,500 per individual with a max of 14k. That's all for what is covered. Now, put in everything that is not. The only ones who are on Medicaid in this house are the two kids. That's how they get much of what they need. So let's add all of that up shall we? Not counting ANY prescriptions, to get to where our main insurance will cover 100% of only IN-NETWORK care, we have to shell out up to 20k. I won't give specifics but that would be over 70% of what we get annually. Again as I said earlier, our primary doesn't touch a lot of what the kids need, unlike Medicaid does. Know how much a basic pair of hearing aids cost for a child? I won't even get into the costs of therapies without coverage...... That's more in a year than the cost of your average home! I'll just say that each session of PT, OT or Speech would be about 100 a session. Now times that by 3 types at twice a week minimum. I'll leave it at that. 

So tell me, how in the heck does that compare to an iPhone, which honestly most of those that I know that are on SSI/Medicaid are lucky to have a basic smart phone from Wal-Mart that's no more than 100 bucks. And that has to last for years. Unlike those who typically are on Verizion/AT&T with a smartphone, they pay for a new phone at worst every two years. We have StraightTalk with a basic smartphone that honestly messes up a lot but I deal with it because that is the best we can do. Now even I have to use my phone to track how many migraines my daughter has in a month, what her asthma is doing, her peak flow meter readings twice a day, the medical records that two children's hospitals have, e-mails from physicians, logs to track miles I do for medical trips, and a few more we need.

If only it was as simple as a friggin iPhone vs healthcare..........

Medicaid isn’t a program that people use to “suck off the system”. Medicaid is a lifeline for the most vulnerable to have access to health care and services. What happens when that gets cut? Are people in favor of genocide because that's essentially what will happen..... Think I'm kidding? Many just want to cut the disabled, especially the severely because they "can't contribute to society." Oh wait, doesn't then technically Stephen Hawking fits that description too then. Yet nobody is saying to "cut him off" or that his family "leeched the system." Or let's come back to the States. Christopher Reeve didn't face those comments! Both have done huge things for those around them. Yet the disabled who are not "famous" or "smart" in the eyes of the world are often labeled as "useless"

Double standard much? 

So yeah, many of us are just leeches.... Many of us parents are "just grasping at straws" to allow our kids to have a CHANCE at life.  Oh and by the way, many of us pay taxes. Our house does for sure!

All I see here is Ebenezer Scrooge saying "decrease the surplus population!"

Let me show you this. Quoted from HERE. "Children and adults with disabilities rely on government funded programs to survive. It isn’t because they are leaches on society, but it is because most of them cannot work due to serious health conditions or physical disabilities that prohibit them. These are people that would love to contribute to society but cannot because their bodies or minds won’t allow it. The unemployment rate for people with disabilities is twice that of the national average. In 2015, according to this survey, only 17.5% of people with disabilities were employed. When I think of my son’s future, I see an 82.5% chance that he will never have a job. These statistics are what keep me up at night in fear. If he will be unable to work, he will need some form of assistance to have access to health care and to live. When he is an adult, what happens to him if there is no Medicaid?"
"Medicaid was created in 1965. Care for the poor in the 1950s was done through direct reimbursements to providers. It was calculated on a per-capita basis — the average cash and medical needs of those the programs covered. Those amounts were capped, based on age and demographics. This is quite similar to how many Republican proposals might function. When these capped amounts weren’t enough to pay for the programs, states had to make cuts. They began to restrict who would be covered, what would be covered and how much care beneficiaries could use. Some states refused to cover children at all. Others didn’t cover doctors’ visits or drugs." source

Is that what it's coming to again??? I fear for how many lives will be lost and or seriously affected by this...... 


How are we supposed to say we love and care for each other if this is the attitudes and biases we have? Is this the way the world works? Even those very same ones who claim they are Christian and "follow Christ" do the very least. I don't think Jesus would be like this towards those less fortunate and rich.....


I saw the general attitude recently toward me. A friend asked me how our recent trip to Dallas went. I filled her in on that, then what news I got yesterday morning about my son. The next few weeks will be really interesting...... Medical update HERE but does not have the new info from yesterday in it. Just Dallas mainly.

So anyway,

I was asked why I even had my son anyway when I knew that there was a "risk of defects and him being messed up." She went on to say that "Even with all the crazy stuff in parts of the family and just how ugly some are, along with the medical issues some in that family have I still can't believe you went on and had more children. You had your daughter not knowing the risks but you knew the risks with your son. You shouldn't have even had him. Now you have two who require Medicaid, not just one." Yeah, she went there...... (By the way, her kids are on Medicaid too but in her case, household income doesn't count, for us it does. She plans on having more kids even though one of hers is special needs.) She's not the first or the last I have heard it from. Even some family and church people that would rather see my kids for what's wrong with them than what is right with them. And there is a lot right too..... Yet she isn't the only one to "go there" locally against us.... In reality it's all over this country. The poor, the disabled and our veterans are seen as third class citizens.

So yeah, Jesus did say that there will always be the poor among us but if he said he didn't care about the poor, would he have hung out with them? Would he have rebuked the rich so much?  I think not! Now Jesus didn't "hate" the rich either. However he had words of caution for those who were wealthy because often they relied on their money over God, and were often selfish with what they had.

I've said this before but I think we would have a lot more respect, love and compassion for those around us if we saw each other as equals. God sees us like that so why can't we see each other like that? God doesn't see if someone is white or black. Rich or poor. Popular or ostracized. Talented or not. Bedridden or an Olympic athlete. So why do we? Why most of all those who claim to be Christian do this the worst? Most of those guilty of trying to cut those most vulnerable without trying to even find other solutions are many of the very ones who sit in the pews every Sunday.  When we can get past this, when we can get past the fact that we even if we never admit it, truly feel some deserve more love and compassion than others, till we deal with that, we will never see anyone truly be like Jesus. Most don't even try...... We are more concerned about those abroad then we are those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. Yet so often we boast about how we are helping this country or that country.

I'm not saying that of itself is bad, but shouldn't we be taking care of our own too? How can we boast that we are taking care of others in the world when those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist.

So yes, I'm angry, I'm concerned for my kids and millions like them. I do admit some worry and anxiety. As if us parents don't have enough.

So many are worried about not just quality of life but of preservation of life. With these cuts proposed and the attitudes that we as a society has on those who are on Medicaid for whatever reason, I think we have just cause..... Until we get to the point that everyone, regardless of disability or social status, deserves a quality chance at life, we will have this.....

In church on Sunday, our pastor shared of a time where he went into a nursing home and played the guitar for those who never had visitors. Those forgotten, those abandoned. Those unloved or no longer loved. Yet he did that to show love. Why can't we do that?


Sometimes the person you show yourself to be will be the only love someone else has ever seen. Sometimes you are the only Jesus that anyone has. Sometimes you are the only one who can make a difference in the life of another...

The next post will go more into that....


So yeah, the Medicaid program is in crisis but the rainbow in this is that there are many like me fighting back...... Will you join us? If you are in Arkansas you can join here.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Sometimes you will be the only Jesus people ever see.....

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. John 13:35

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed because they cannot repay you.  For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” (Luke 14:13-14)
“Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins.  And He said, ‘Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them.  For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”  (Luke 21:1-4)

Blind Faith and Belief/Living in Christ

A great soul, with a great purpose, can make a weak body strong and keep it so... 

~Mark Twain

We view God the closest to how we saw our Earthly father. That's what I have been told. 

If that is the case then God should see me as worthless, used, nothing, bad, never doing anything right, etc. I know that's not true but honestly it is a struggle..... 

"In my research on rejection, I discovered two core fears that feed a person’s sensitivity to rejection: The fear of being abandoned The fear of losing one’s identity As a little girl, being abandoned and losing my identity weren’t words I would have used. But rejection’s sting was a feeling I knew well. When a man is physically present but emotionally absent, a girl’s heart can feel quite hollow and helpless. This is true whether that man is her father, her husband, or even a man whom she deeply respects."

― Lysa TerKeurst

It wasn't just my father, but most everyone. All but 3 teachers in all my years of school had any faith in me. All of the rest treated me and acted like I was a reject who would get nowhere. For family I was never good enough, I was messed up all the time, I also would most likely not be productive to society, I wasn't smart enough, etc. Up till my senior year of high school, I was completely the social outcast, the reject, the "different" one because I did have a lot of baggage.... As a start.. I won't get onto the subject of physical appearances.

I was unloved, uncherished, rejected, despised, hated, given up on, and more.....

Hence you see why it is sometimes hard for me to keep the faith sometimes, especially when at times it is completely blind? Yet I have to.......

I pray eventually I come to this: "My whole life I’ve searched for a love to satisfy the deepest longings within me to be known, treasured , and wholly accepted. When You created me, Lord, Your very first thought of me made Your heart explode with a love that set You in pursuit of me. Your love for me was so great that You, the God of the whole universe, went on a personal quest to woo me, adore me, and finally grab hold of me with the whisper, “I will never let you go.” Lord, I release my grip on all the things I was holding on to, preventing me from returning Your passionate embrace. I want nothing to hold me but You. So, with breathless wonder, I give You all my faith, all my hope, and all my love. I picture myself carrying the old, torn-out boards that inadequately propped me up and placing them in a pile. This pile contains other things I can remove from me now that my new intimacy-based identity is established. I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me."
― Lysa TerKeurst


As another trip to Dallas fast approaches, many thoughts arise, usually the same ones. My daughter is due for her MRI. She will have to go from 430am till after her MRI at 1230 with nothing to eat nor drink. Clear liquid cutoff is at 8am. I'm used to it but a kid never does get used to that, especially since her brother will require breakfast. This will be a first honestly managing that by myself. I'll survive that. I wonder what news I'll hear.... I'm not as nervous about her appointments for this as much as I would be for my son's simply because his is a little more complex but I still wonder what I'll hear and if anything needs done anytime soon.....



There are a few other things that honestly cause some anxiety going on but there isn't anything I can do about that..... All of that is always at the mercy of others....

So much blind faith required in life.....

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I honestly sometimes struggle with that. God is not a genie and you get whatever you wish, I know that. We are also in a fallen world so there is a lot of bad that is around us and happens to us. Yet I think many of us get hurt when we pray like this verse says and things don't work out like we expect.

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I see it much like that pic. Jesus won't "fix" everything but we don't face them alone. Too bad it doesn't work like a magical genie huh? :) However even Job didn't give up. Jesus himself prayed that this "cup" be taken from him. He knew he was going to die horribly, prayed he wouldn't have to yet he died anyway. Yet the blessing from that death is far bigger than anyone can fathom. When Jesus became a curse for us, He was cursed by men not God. Jesus did not tell his followers to do whatever they wanted or to act however they wanted just because they were His. NO! His greatest commandment after putting God first was loving others as Christ loved them.


(see this) "Jesus was not cursed by God. Another way to try to explain what Jesus has done for us: If I murdered someone in the morning, I deserved to be hanged. A man named Jesus came into the picture, and freely took my punishment on Him self. He took the curse I had brought on my self, and died in my place so I could be set free. The Judged (God) accepted this replacement, and released me from the prison. Would such a replacement lead to Jesus being cursed by the Judge?

Absolutely not. This act of Jesus would be the ultimate agape love. And the Judge response to me, would be the perfect product of forgiveness.

The judged did not have to release Jesus from the dead. Jesus Him self is the author of life, the very creator God. Death has no power over Him. Jesus gave up His life for me, as a free gift. And the most beautiful part. This was a command He had received from the judge, GOD alone.

Jesus bore our curses to the cross. And nullified them with His own blood, redeeming us. That is something totally different. Jesus was sinless. He did not have to pay for anything."

Yet He did....

Passion of the Christ

What I truly think that verse is saying is to pray in BLIND FAITH that something will be done for the greater good of God's glory. Even when prayers aren't answered the way our human minds think the should be, we can use that to bless others and to help encourage others who are riding out storms also. I think back to a scene in God's Not Dead where the daughter stood up for what she believed in and her family turned their back on her and threw her to the street. Did God desire that outcome? Surly not yet she stood for what she believed in. Are we afraid to stand for what we believe in? I am not. Blind faith to me is having faith that all will work out in the end....

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

~ C. S. Lewis ~

And honestly blind faith for me is trusting that God truly does love me, has my best interest at heart and will NOT forsake/abandon me knowing all that He knows...... Because to have that faith goes against everything else I have been taught..... That I was/am unworthy to be loved and or cared for. If I was then maybe those who God commanded to love, would love me too....

Those in this world who were commanded to love like Christ, loved me the least. And not much has changed in that.

So that brings me to this: 

Are we really living like Christ commanded us? Many say: "I got Bible studies down, I pray I *fill in the blank*. Yeah I got it." "Okay but do you really love others like Christ did, even the least "worthy"?" "Well...... I try..."

In the words that my step-dad used to use on me often was this:

We need to do our part for others though also.

I truly think that if we are really going to go out with a fire and a passion to lead people to Christ, we all have to clean up our own churches and our own individual hearts first. If an outsider sees inside a church and can't tell the difference between it and the outside world with it's darkness, we got a serious problem.....

Why do I say this? Well, I saw a blog post this morning by a dear mom and then soon after a FB post by a pastor I'm friends with that really say the same things when you look at the center of it. Recently I also saw this.

As Barb put it, "Regardless of ability, pastors (Leaders overall my words) seem to have groupies among the faithful. And people often have the strange, subliminal belief that being in a pastor’s good graces equals being on good terms with God.  As a result of this cult of personalities and also by virtue of being connected to such a vast pool of people, pastors typically get all of the personal help they need when they face challenges.

When a pastor (Leaders overall my words) has a loved one with a special need or disability, congregants and staff are at the ready to help. Sure, there is the fishbowl effect that every pastor feels in judgment when they have any sort of trial. Nevertheless, an army of assistance is there to assist and accommodate more often than not.

Sadly, the average person seeking God and wanting to experience Jesus in real ways in their disability journey usually finds themselves disappointed by the Church. Whether it be a physical challenge, a chronic illness, or a mental health issue, most individuals are not finding themselves loved like Jesus by His followers."

Until we can learn to truly be like Christ and accept everyone as worthy of not just salvation but of love also, then we are no different then those around us who are unbelievers.

Until we can get to the point that we are less focused on attendance and money raised and instead more focused on discipleship/tending to others we will continue to miss the boat I think.

"Until the church (members even) finds a way to be radically kinder and more compassionate than the world at large, we tell outsiders they’re better off on their own. And the truth is, many times they are."
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The FB post by a pastor was that of him sharing of a brother in Christ who came up to him sobbing because his own pastor was cussing him out and doing that more than trying to help him with his actual situation. It's disturbing. He had lost all hope, walking in the rain hurting and torn. I just thank God the pastor that posted this was there for this man..... 

I have personally felt more at home at Celebrate Recovery than anywhere else abiding with believers honestly.... (CR isn't just for chemical or drug addiction. I go because I struggle with anger, anxiety and co-dependency.) In the last couple of months, I honestly have stayed a hermit. Part of that was to see if anyone would notice, part of that is because I am not asked to be joined with anyone. I have not been to MOPS either this semester. Mainly because with stuff coming up, that 25 fee was needed elsewhere in the budget but.... In my life, the only time I am wanted or asked about is when someone needs a favor. I'm willing to help others, sometimes to a fault but I will not be used. I've been told that the reason why people don't talk to me at church or elsewhere is because I don't approach them. I don't because when I have, I look like a fool for it and it further isolates me so I just don't. Besides, is that a requirement that I approach everyone? Could someone approach me on their own accord? I sit in Bible Studies, church, Sunday School and listen. I chime in sometimes but only when I know I won't look like an idiot for it...... Honestly.... I'm reading Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited. I'm not really far in but I can really relate to what she has said... I got quotes from here some also.

Typically I'm one of the first to arrive for class/study and I sit and wait for things to start. When people come in, I smile and say "hi" then watch. By the time stuff starts, I am typically by myself/with my husband and the others are in their own group. Should I just barge in and sit where I am not invited? I was taught that such behavior is rude...... Again, I've been told that the reason why people don't talk to me at church or elsewhere is because I don't approach them. I don't because when I have, I look like a fool for it and it further isolates me so I just don't. Besides, is that a requirement that I approach everyone? Could someone approach me on their own accord?

Sometimes I really wish I could just sit across from Jesus Himself and be real and honest knowing that I will hear what I need to hear but I will also feel His love and compassion.
I don't get that from anyone else.... Some of that may be on me but I don't think all of it is.

“Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

“Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections. The need for belonging runs deep.”

― Lysa TerKeurst

The post a fellow mom made started like this: "There’s a struggling family or ministry in your church that needs your attention. They are isolated. Helping hands are in desperate need. Donations to these ministries lag. They are families and ministries living immersed in the daily details of disability. And I have to wonder, What if this was your lead pastor? You would likely be tripping over yourself to help."

In the words of David Platt: “If our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to wonder if Christ is in us at all.” –Radical, David Platt"

This country sees the poor and the disabled as the lowest of "scum" Okay, maybe a little dramatic in my words but prove me wrong... Just look at where this country is headed.... Keep reading... The next lowest "scum" is often seen within places of faith are those who often stumble and sometimes fall in their spiritual walk. I think we all need Celebrate Recovery, especially if we are in denial that we all honestly stumble and sometimes fall... Why then do some around us look down on us? Prime example is what that pastor friend shared... That may be a little unusual to hear a pastor have treated someone like that but a pastor is also called to be like Christ. Our church recently did a "Every member is a minister" series. If every member is a minister then everyone who claims to be a Christian should be on the same standard. All the way from the pastor to the janitor.

It should start at the top but if it does not, then why don't you start it? 

That brings me to another thing..... How the poor and disabled are looked at....  

"I am so tired of being at the mercy of people whose job it is to sit behind a desk and shuffle through paperwork that paints actual human beings as mere words on paper, taking away their humanity. It's not the person's fault. They are just doing their job. It's the nature of the beast, I suppose. But at the end of the day, after they have cut someone's nursing hours, or coverage of medications, or refused to cover a medical procedure, they go home and their life is the same as before they used that rubber stamp. But for us, that simple rubber stamp that they don't even give a second thought to, it is life changing for people like us us." 

~ Lacey Nicole Buchanan ~

"This is unfair because the federal government is paying a greater portion of the cost of coverage for able-bodied adults, than for the disabled, elderly, and most vulnerable patients. This disparity also creates a perverse incentive for States when they have budget shortfalls and need to trim their Medicaid program. That’s because it creates an incentive for States to reduce services or provider payments related to the most vulnerable patients, rather than able-bodied adults."

(A GOP senator from Arkansas talking about potential Medicaid cuts on the kids vs. able bodied adults through the ACA)


I say: Why can't cuts be made in other places instead of against kids? Better yet, why don't they find more ways of also generating income that is NOT related to increasing income taxes? Why is the first cut made, made against the most vulnerable? When I ask about that, I get either excuses or silence..... Yes even by politicians on both sides. I've called, emailed and written letters. Why can't the bureaucrats who decide what will and will not be covered and how much with any insurance company, Medicaid too, live in the shoes of those who have to deal with those decisions for a day. 

Even those in high places look upon the poor and disabled with disdain..... Yet in all reality it really shouldn't be up to the government to care for those who need it the most. Yet for many of us, that is all we have..... Even if it is just till some get back on their feet.

Barb continued in her blog:

"WE CHURCH ATTENDERS EACH HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES, “AM I TREATING THIS PERSON/THIS FAMILY/THIS MINISTRY WITH THE SAME COMPASSION I WOULD TREAT MY LEAD PASTOR IN THIS SAME SITUATION?” IF THE ANSWER IS NO, WE ARE OPERATING WITHIN THE CHURCH WITH BIAS.

THIS IS CHRIST’S MANDATE FOR US TO US TO INCLUDE AND SERVE EVERY PERSON OF EVERY ABILITY IN THE CHURCH, REGARDLESS OF THEIR POSITION OR POPULARITY. WE ARE TO TREAT THEM LIKE ROYALTY, JUST AS IF WE WERE DOING THE SAME FOR JESUS HIMSELF. [SEE MATTHEW 25:31-46]"

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The question this bring us to then is this: Why do some families who are facing a crisis get showered with love yet another family with the same crisis but "poorer" get ignored? I've seen it on Facebook and I don't mean in this post, my family but others though I have personally seen it also.... As an example: I see one post where a family has a loved one with cancer and they shower her with cards, well wishes, texts, gifts, food, help, company, etc. Yet another family that lives nearby is lucky to have even one person offer to help babysit the siblings while one child gets chemo, let alone visit, offer any help, well wishes, etc.? Or fundraisers.... We can't have anyway now thanks to SSI but another example, same community: One family within a month raises way beyond what the goal was and another, "poorer, less popular" family was lucky to get 10% raised in three months. How do some families have people flocking to them offering to help with their kids if anything comes up yet others are told "You chose to have those kids, deal with it." I have not been told the latter but I certainly don't have offers of help either. I was reminded today that I will not be able to take my son on my daughter's appointments once he starts school. It's no different then me having to take my daughter for his. I do it because I have no choice........ 


That's what Barb is talking about. I have read in several blog posts that many see modern churches are just like high school except it's church.... You have the cliques, the popular vs the geeks, vs the outcasts, etc. Those who are more popular get of course the most support and compassion...... Yet how do we look at the "least of these"? How do you react and think when you see someone who looks disheveled, on the street corner asking for food? The woman in line with a few kids in her cart using food stamps and WIC? Do you bother to ask about their stories, what they have overcome to get where they are or do you just ignore them at best and treat them like dirt, at least in your mind at worst? Maybe the one using food stamps just got the kids out of an abusive situation.... Maybe the one on the street corner got laid off and has nobody to help. Maybe the one looking disheveled just had a disaster happen in their life and how they look is the least of their worries?

How can we expect to be told to have blind faith and trust in Christ when those very ones who tell us this are not acting Christ like?  How can we expect to do what we are told to do by others in the faith when we see all around us of everything but what we are told by those same ones?

I'm going to end today's post with the best words that Barb had in her post because they are the most accurate.... 



"We need to remember that our entire Christian witness hinges on how we behave in the area of inclusion. People are watching. If we don’t get this right, if we don’t treat the least with love, nothing else matters."
~ Barbara Dittrich ~

How can I pray for you? I may just be across a computer screen but I can at least do that for you. Too bad we all have not found that genie yet. ;) If any of you are struggling with stuff I shared in here, please know you are not alone..... There are many out there with you.... All we can do is what we are commanded to and that is to truly love others..... Even if people around you treat you like crap, go out there and help those around you. Find your ministry.... You only have to answer to God but remember, you are an ambassador for God, not God himself..... Listen with your heart..... 

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

“I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

“Though we may get our hearts broken from the effects of sin in this in-between time, God’s goodness will eventually set the world right.” 

― Lysa TerKeurst

Unleashed

I'm kinda bouncing places in this post. Sunday's sermon was by a guest and I took a lot of notes but also thinking a lot about when I heard a song on Friday.


I heard a song again the other day called Friends Forever. That was a song that I heard during my senior year of high school. Brought back so many memories..... I wasn't popular by any means but I had more friends then and friends that wanted me to do things with them then I do now. I was an extrovert then. I am much more introverted now.

The song talks about all the changes and fears of graduation and after. Where will we be when we turn 25 and all of that. Year wise, my senior year was the best. I was right where I wanted to be in the top band, I had lunch period where I had friends and we all played euchre, talked band and a best friend who I could tell anything to.

I graduated and reality hit. I have seen one friend since high school that I went to school with. My best friend and I had a falling out when I got proof that my then boyfriend was indeed cheating on me with her. He didn't treat me right anyway.... We reconnected later but I have not talked to her in a while. I realized college for what I really wanted to get a career in would never happen, I was lucky to afford the loans for the community college. Yet even that career didn't happen.

I had a lot to learn.....

So often in life, we plan one way and something else becomes.

Yet in that something else, another chapter began in my story.

I have stories to share but what legacy do I have? That was the point of Sunday's sermon.

How did you celebrate holidays as a kid? Time with family? Kids today lose that. We still can prove our faith by our stories. How did you come to know Jesus? How has God proven Himself in your life? Share those stories! Well God has proven himself in many ways. I defied the odds that so many put on me for one. My children are alive and thriving. We are making the bills, we are not homeless, my story has touched others, I have helped others who are starting the medical journey, and more.

We only have so much time to tell our stories, to share how God touched each part of our lives. I regret not sharing more time with my maternal grandpa. I may not have been able to see him as much as I wanted but I failed to write much while in my last group home.... Then the day came where I learned he passed. No more stories, no more flute lessons, no more music talk, no more fishing, no more Christmas..... 20 years later I still wish I had done better but yet I know that even though I couldn't become a music teacher like he was, I am still continuing the music legacy. And now my daughter is too.

We only have so much time before the clock loses it's tock and from there, it's only memories and silence. 

Our job as parents is to raise our children up while we still have time. Teach them up to rise up and take the baton. They will live what we teach them. Not always but we WE parents have the largest impact on our children. If we didn't have that as children, it is up to US, not those around us to break that curse. I was abused and neglected as a child. That doesn't mean I will nor have done that to my children. I made the choice to break that curse, those chains. We are not, especially as adults to turn around and make the world feel sorry for us, to expect everyone else to do things for us or to have everyone enable us. No! We need to grow up, put on our armor and go to war ourselves. Sometimes we have to be wounded before we see that we have to fight back.

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Deuteronomy 6:5-9
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

If you want to leave a spiritual legacy, don't just have accomplishments that are just titles but testimonies, what you did with life. How you impact others. Yet you won't accomplish anything without God. Try all you might, you will get burned out. We have to lead our children and grandchildren to have a heart for God. Are we going to brand our children and grandchildren that they belong to God like a farmer heats a branding iron and marks his cattle as his? Not literally burning our kids but are we going to put a burning fire, a passion in their hearts?

I may not have had positive influences most of my life, and indeed it did affect me but I MAKE THE CHOICE to continue that or not. Same foe you. Just because nobody showed you how to love, how to have mercy, how to share Jesus, doesn't mean you can't.

With that in mind, why can't we receive the hurting, the abused, the homeless, the dirty, the poor like Jesus did? Fear? Now I'm not saying don't take people you don't know into your home. Indeed that could be dangerous. Why not go where they are to show them Jesus? Serve and love on the homeless at the shelter, at a domestic violence shelter, at a children's home.

If church had not been offered to us girls at the last group home, I probably would not have accepted Christ at 14. If we didn't have BACA come in at the shelter for children I used to work at, some of those kids would have never had a father figure or a mother figure play ball with them, cook for them, craft with them, etc. If God had not intervened when I was 12, I would be dead. If I had not gone to my last group home, I don't think I would have ever been seen for the potential I was. It was thanks to two teachers at that school that I finally was seen for something other than worthless. If I had not survived all I did, I would not be as strong of a fighter as I am now. I would not be assertive in what my kids need, and so much more. 

Share your stories! Use the times you have been stuck in your own prison to reflect and grow and therefore break free to help others do the same. Especially the next generation!!

How many moments do we have in life with those around us that we can use as teachable moments? Find something every single day. Wisdom helps others grow.

"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"

~ Unknown ~

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Share the big and little God moments in your life. Share those with the world, no matter the reactions you get. Those stories are what show others proof of God. The darker your past was or the darker some moments have been, the brighter those God moments can shine. It may have taken some time to heal. In some ways, the healing never stops, the memories do not go away, the scars will forever remain but it is in HOW you wear those battle scars that tells your story in a good way or a bad way. Letting go is NOT giving up. Letting go is freeing yourself from the bondage holding you back. 

What are you going to do? 

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Rip that leash off, break those chains. Unlock the prison gates and be free. Step out of that dark dungeon of bondage and soul torture. Break out of yours so you can embrace those around you that do finally break free. Guide them, help them learn. You can't have the light shine without some darkness and the light can't be seen as bright without any darkness. A candle shines brighter when surrounded by darkness then it does surrounded by light.

That is how you truly heal.

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BE UNLEASHED!!! BE HEARD!!! BE BOLD!!



DON'T BE AFRAID...... GO ROAR!!!









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Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~