Last night leaving Celebrate Recovery, it was towards sunset, bright orange sun on the west, pink sky with rain-bands to the north and a very faint rainbow facing east against a purple sky. So beautiful..... I wish I could have gotten pics yet I couldn't. The view was one of the most beautiful......Yet somber... I was in shock..... I was in disbelief, yet so many memories were flooding into my head.... The rainbow kept fading in and out. I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in." in that moment.......I'll get more into that shortly.
I went to bed with this stuck in my head....
"It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter
One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised
It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter"
I saw this said today and I can totally agree.... Hearing Chester could be best described with how he described his dear friend, Chris Cornell, "your voice was joy and pain, anger and forgiveness, love and heartache all wrapped into one.."
That's what Linkin Park was for me....... Linkin Park is music I related to right after high school, going into college years and still do to some of the top hits..... In The End, Numb and One Step Closer are just three..... So many memories yet too reminders I wasn't alone...... The main albums I knew were Hybrid Theory and Meteora. (I had to double check release dates because I thought One Step Closer single came out while I was IN high school but it was right after. Hey, I had the year right at least!) No it's not Christian music but it is where I was. It's like Chester and LP were singing to me through much of those but especially those three.
Suicide doesn't rid the pain, it only explodes it...... It ends your suffering but it takes your pain and explodes onto everyone around you, starting with those who love you the most, even if you don't see it.... Chester's wife and six kids now have to deal with that loss the hardest.
Yet as the days go by, more and more will forget about this, they will move on, it will just be another celebrity lost. Even many have already moved on from Robin Williams.... (Best actor EVER!) Yet to those closest to Chester, his children and wife, they will never move on from this. Yeah, the days may get easier but it will never be the same.
Some have called Chester a coward, some have called him a POS, some have called him a pathetic person for doing this. Others have felt sorry for him... I have read comments on YouTube of fans saying that they too want to commit suicide now, yet so little do we realize that what we do, affects the people we would think of the least.
This was the best thing I saw today:
So the question then is, "why suicide?" There's so many things that can lead up to it..... For me it was that all my life up till that point, I was taught by almost everyone that I wasn't worth anything, that I was just alive to be abused and mistreated, that I was alive because it was a mistake made, that I was worth as much as a piece of used toilet paper that should have just been thrown away. And the rare ones that believed I was worth something, I didn't believe them. Even today, almost 21 years after accepting my faith in Christ, I still struggle with my value. Though, it's nothing like it was. My darkest times were at 11-13. That's when I wanted to die, and I don't mean just wonder what life would be like if I wasn't here. I mean seriously wanted death. I prayed for it, even though I didn't believe in the faith then. I wished for it, I thought of the ways I would end it..... Most painless yet quick..... My days in school of bullies only added to it, especially when the staff at the school didn't want to do anything about it. I've shared my story on here before.... Mainly here and here.
Isolation, depression, anger, bullying, substance abuse, cutting, etc. is not limited to any race, gender socioeconomic class or anything. Nobody is immune. NOBODY!
We are all one trauma, one tragedy, one life changing event away from the potential of depression and or anxiety sticking it's slimy tentacles on you and refusing to let go no matter what...... No matter what your religious beliefs are, nobody is immune......
"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."
― from "Faithful: A Novel"
It's so much easier to feel accepted and loved in a place where you know others are on the journey with you, no matter what that journey for you is. For me it's like when I'm in Dallas yet it's also easier there to really share the journey, step out on faith that you will be accepted because you know those around you are where you are. Yet even for those who deal with depression, that can feel like not enough. Not because they are ungrateful or whatever but because it's truly not..... The pain, sorrow, anguish, anger, bitterness and whatever else feelings are being felt by the person facing those demons scream every single moment of every single day..... Those voices and feelings are so loud that they can often drown out everything else, even the words from those we love and who love us the most.
Remember me saying "I could feel God telling me "That fading in and out is you. Your rainbow shines sometimes, and sometimes it does not. And other times it's only able to be seen by a few. To really let it shine, you have to allow more light in."in that moment."
I need to work on allowing the rainbow within me to be seen more often..... To shine brighter, to not allow life to snuff it out or even to dim it. Perfection? I wish.... Yet something I could strive to do better.
Now to share some honesty and raw truth, especially for those who have not seen my posts here before.
I will admit I have always struggled with being loved and even "good enough" For so many and for so long, I was never good enough, and for some I'm still not. Nothing I say or do is good or perfect enough. Yet I have to remember that they are not what matter, what should matter to me is God. First and foremost. The next opinion that should matter is my husband. That's it. And even him I can sometimes disagree with but stay civil. For so long, my worth I was keeping in how good of a parent I was, how good I was at doing the "right thing" no matter what, at doing all I could to fight whatever battle was next and to always have the armor on, ready to fight. There are times I still must do that, yet maybe it's time to sometimes take that armor off too..... I just hope I don't wind up like the poor knight in Knight in Rusty Armor, where it won't come off. I still like that story, all these years later.
I just want to get to the point where I can feel and experience unconditional love and acceptance without conditions or at least perceived conditions from God.
Someday I'll get there.... For now I suppose I just have to keep going. There is no other way..... I know the story isn't over though. Though no matter how dark or light or everything in between life is, people are watching us. People are looking for others who are where they are. They are looking for someone who they can either help or be helped from.
Where are you at?
What are you willing for?
What will you do?
"Without pain, how could we feel joy? Without regret, how could we cherish pride? Without sadness, there's no use in being happy. Without death, what value is a life lived?"
~ Unknown ~
"What beauty dwells in the heart of those tortured,
That feel love so deep but hatred stains.
Sadness upon there brow.
Theses tortured once bright.
Will almost never return to the light."
~ Unknown ~
“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”
— Mike McHargue"
That is how to help the hurting.... Who do you know that is hurting today? Who are you going to talk to and commit to being a true friend to?
Now, go do it! You never know what it might do for them.... You may prevent a suicide and not even know you did....
~ Special Momma ~
That is how to help the hurting.... Who do you know that is hurting today? Who are you going to talk to and commit to being a true friend to?
Now, go do it! You never know what it might do for them.... You may prevent a suicide and not even know you did....
~ Special Momma ~
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