The scars we wear

I'm going to start a several post series on this kind of topic. It's not where I thought I would go but I feel like the need is there..... Even for locals in this town. The posts will be very dark but the places of light in those posts will shine very bright among the dark. I think it's something that needs talked about.....


I've been told that my story shouldn't be told, that I just need to be quiet. I've been told that I tell too much in this blog. I've been encouraged that I should just cover up my scars so people won't ask. I've been told that I just need to see a shrink and deal with things that way. I've been told that sharing my story will get CPS called on me and more....



Why? If others showed me compassion and love instead of hate and condemnation, my life would be very different, yet my story would not be able to help others.

Is it any wonder people don't talk about their PAST? The scars we wear? It's all a matter of fear....

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Khalil Gibran ~



I've even been told that because my son has two major head scars with more to come, that I should just encourage him to grow his hair out so his scars won't be seen. Scars shouldn't matter in that.... Really... Here's why.

Scars tell a story that needs told.... You never know what your scars will do for someone else.

"Every story had the same message: what was deep inside could only be deciphered by someone who understood how easily a heart could be broken."

― from "Faithful: A Novel"

Honestly my fear in doing the posts isn't sharing my story, it's the crap I'll get from family and possible locals..... Though being an outsider already, I don't think that will change much.....


Many thoughts were going through my head last night thinking about the past the present and the future thinking about where I've been the present and where am I going. Thinking about Shelby and her story wondering and thinking about my own life, about where my story will touch somebody else or change their life.

One thing I've not really had is unconditional love and real, true friends who either didn't flee at the first sign of a storm on the horizon, just forget about me or didn't stab me in the back with betrayal. I test everyone.... I have to... Saves from being betrayed. Almost nobody passes my test.

Something about that book Faithful has triggered something within me. What I don't know but something did. I don't know if it was how the story started, with Shelby locked up in a mental ward trapped within herself, the fact that one second in time changed her entire life, or that it took her over 10 years to finally be free again. I don't know what spawned me to read that Kindle book, as I had never heard of Alice Hoffman but I did... I finished it within two days.....

So....... Here goes nothing.....


.......

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I'll start with a post I made recently... Just before I found that Hoffman book. Here are my not so beautiful thirty something year old legs....

These scars I have always been ashamed of. Always hid. Rarely let seen let alone told about. Many know my story, several know the name, few know the face. These scars tell the story of childhood depression, abuse, suffering. They tell the story of years of nobody listening to a child try to tell the truth. I was 8 when I was sent away the first time. I was 12 when most of these scars were self inflicted with a box cutter on two different occasions. It had not been my first but my legs were my worst. I really did want to die... I was nothing to anybody. I was destined to be a failure everyone said, a burden to society, destined to live in a psych ward or prison. I was better off dead...... Much of this wasn't from kids at school.... To them I was just a worthless nobody. Nobody knows of all the marks I had from pushpins and needles before and after the boxcutter was done till now. Nobody knew that I prayed to a god who I figured hated me like everyone else did, that I would just die in my sleep and be done with a world that hated me and who wanted nothing to do with me but to use and abuse me. Many nights before and after that happened, I prayed like that..... Nobody knew of those till now. I was sent away days later after using the box cutter the first time and put away for much longer after the second. Later I told how it was God that stopped me from slicing my wrists like I wanted, both times. It was my legs instead.... I was 15 when I was last in a group home. Quite a handful of residential treatment facilities, psych wards, group homes and a foster home all in that 7 years between 8-15. I will get more into the times away in another post. I was 19 when I really faced the trauma I survived.


I still have demons I face. My struggles now stem from rejection and being unloved by pretty much everyone...... To this day even.... I would rather be in control of the world around me than to let one more person "take the wheel" and screw up everything.... And that's another topic for later....


I had decided that since I had survived all that I did, I vowed at 18 that never again would I not be heard. Never again will I deal with being called a liar for the truth. Never again would anybody determine my destiny. Never again will I be silenced.


I may scream out In a world that drowns me out yet I know some hear my voice. I know my story has changed some. People wonder why I beat a dead horse over my blog posts. Because if I don't call out injustice, inequality and hypocrisy, who will?


So I have decided that for the first time, I will wear clothing this summer that shows my legs without worry, without apprehension, without fear. When people ask, I will tell. Why? Because I am not afraid of my scars. They have faded a lot in the 23 years since but they are still there. Not all are but the deepest ones I made remain on both legs.


 This post is for everyone who has struggled.... The next posts will be as well.

Many teens and even adults hurt themselves physically as a way to try and relieve the hurt that is taking over their lives. Cutting is behavior that stems from depression, which is a much deeper problem than the marks in your skin. Self-injury is considered to be an addiction, and it's not easy to just stop. Behaviors include, but are not limited to:

Cutting
Burning
Picking or interfering with wound healing
Infecting oneself
Punching/hitting self or objects
Inserting objects in to skin
Bruising or breaking bones and
Some forms of hair pulling

It's not only a stress relief but also a cry for someone to notice that something is wrong in their lives. A guy or girl who hurts themselves may feel empty, lonely, fearful, or is unable to express his or her feelings. The act may have been brought out because of past abuse or depression. Cutting is a result of a deeper issue within the heart.

If you are struggling with self-harm yourself, please find help in a trusted adult right now. Even though these actions may seem like they help, they could eventually develop into even greater struggles like addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even eating disorders, or worse..... In fact, you may be dealing with some of that right now. But, you don't have to suffer alone. You really don't...... Call the crisis hotline at least, where you will speak with someone anonymously.

1-800-273-8255

If you know someone who cuts, have compassion, show them love, embrace them. (Ephesians 4:32). They are struggling and don't know how else to deal with their pain. Don't judge or condemn them. It's not their "fault" or something they're doing to hurt you. God wants to heal them, and you can help. Galatians 6:2 says to "bear one another's burdens." How can you love your friend and show them that they matter to you and to God?

Silence is the enemy of truth. That's how I see many things..... My scars tell a story and I will not be afraid to put a face, a name, even a label to that story. Not anymore. Because the more I can help bring them back from depression, despair, from suicide, the more I know my story is not in vain. The hardest thing to heal from isn't the physical wounds we leave on ourselves, it is the emotional and mental that not just others put on us but what we too put on ourselves....

The next few posts will be similar to this... Yet if you know someone who could use the words I shared here, please share.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

"I see this woman who is really focused, very strong, and her heart is changing toward more love now, She is moving on in life but also trying to build other peoples' lives. She is doing something which she never thought she would do." ~ MoniCa Singh ~ Survived a brutal acid attack and is overcoming.

Medicaid

This is going to be a hot post but one I think I have to do. Healthcare has always been a hot topic for me but even more so recently. In Sunday School this last Sunday we were starting to wrap up our James study so we were reviewing all of James. The one we talked of the most was James 2:1-9 which says:

"My brothers and sisters, do not show prejudice if you possess faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. For if someone comes into your assembly wearing a gold ring and fine clothing, and a poor person enters in filthy clothes, do you pay attention to the one who is finely dressed and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and to the poor person, “You stand over there,” or “Sit on the floor”? If so, have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil motives? Listen, my dear brothers and sisters! Did not God choose the poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor! Are not the rich oppressing you and dragging you into the courts? Do they not blaspheme the good name of the one you belong to? But if you fulfill the royal law as expressed in this scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. But if you show prejudice, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as violators."

Now part of what also got brought up was panhandlers in this area. Some are sincere, others are not. There is one in particular who has been seen as not in need but getting anyway because he can. One said that he refuses to give to any of them, mainly the younger ones because they can get jobs instead.

Honestly the first thought I had was to all the stories I have heard about over the years of kids who are or were homeless. Many of them weren't runners, many of them were simply unwanted, kicked out, abandoned..... What do we do for them? They dirt too? No, dirt wasn't the term used at all but yet the very attitude was there.... I don't hold it against him for saying this but I do think that light needs shown on that.

I also got to thinking of the institutions I was in and out of from 8-15. Mental wards, juvy, short term psych floors at hospitals, foster homes, group homes, etc. Is that how the world saw people like me? I know those that knew me saw me like that but did the rest of the world put us in that mold also? I did grow up feeling very unloved and unwanted for most of my life...... For the reasons that nothing has changed now.... The social statuses we label those around us with. 

Then the question got asked, from James ch. 2 what touched us the most. I mentioned those verses. Why? Not just because of what was said in class but of what has been said of me. My kids get SSI, which is a government based program. That is the only "help" we get. That's it. Yet I have been accused of just sitting at home on my butt doing nothing to better us. I'm told that since I "stay at home all day" I should have a perfect house, I have time to be the perfect housewife and not ask for anything. The best one is "You had your kids, you chose your kids, you deal with it and quit mooching off of everyone else."

I was surprised I didn't start with the tears in class sharing because I started getting fired up on this.... I shared how that despite my husband working full time, with pretty decent insurance, we still have to have Medicaid for my kids.... Therapies and hearing aids are not covered at all under our primary and so much more just isn't covered enough.....  I deal with most everything at home, appointments, meetings, fights with SSI, fights with insurance, I travel alone with the kids for most appointments, sometimes for days out of town. If I worked also, it would hurt us more because we would no longer have Medicaid. I would have to make like at least 40k a year just to break even. No emergency fund or anything. (Not that we have anyway because of SSI rules but...) Imagine trying to get days in a row off at least three or more times a year. Let alone the half days I would have to take to make appointments work. Think I could keep a job with those demands? Let alone keep a job AND make the entire budget balance? I think not...... Let's not get on the subject of when my kids needs surgeries and miss weeks of school.

Now, as to Medicaid, rumors are all over the place in this state. Arkansas is ranked as one of the worst in good care for those on Medicaid. Yet many of us fear that the direction Arkansas politicians are taking it will only make it worse. One representative has personally told me that Medicaid either cuts services or goes bankrupt. They are not looking at other options for revenue. They assume that raising taxes is the only option.

Here's some of what is being said by the "fat cat bureaucrats who run the show yet know nothing about medical necessity." Now granted Roger Marshall is in Kansas while Charlie Collins is in Arkansas but you see where things come in here.

   Source

From Twitter

None of these people consider families and individuals with disabilities. Or at least they don't show it.... It takes into consideration what providers want, how to save money for big health care, and puts too much power out to too few people. That's the goal in this....


Here's the goal for cutting Medicaid federally, let alone via the states. Arkansas is ranked among the lowest in the US for not just healthcare but also for Medicaid coverage as it is.

    

     

   

Let's break that down:

There is even discrimination among those who need an organ transplant. Don't think it doesn't happen? Here's one mom sharing her story. "I saw an example of discrimination when my son was being evaluated for a lung transplant. At the time, he was a foster child and they were really concerned about his social status." Thankfully the child recovered but they were more concerned about the social status of a child than his need.



Yet even the politicians, all they think of us is lazy leeches who need a job and that all we do is live off of benefits just because we want to. Many have said that too! You read what even Roger Marshall said to a group of many just like him!
Speaking this morning in defense of House Republicans' Obamacare replacement plan, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz said that rather than “getting that new iPhone that they just love,” low-income Americans should take they money they would have spent on it and “invest it in their own health care.”
Source  And another Source 

Let's start with the most generous comparison, and post it that someone wants to buy the most expensive iPhone — a brand new 7 without a contract and with the luxurious “Plus” version's 5.5" screen — which has a sticker price of $769. With tax, that comes to around $800.

Conversely, a year of individual insurance coverage on the open market will run you about $393 per month, or $4,617 per year, per eHealth. For the purpose of this comparison we'll assume you're a healthy individual who doesn't have to worry about deductibles (which run over $4,000 for these plans), and that that $4,617 is all you have to pay.

To put things in perspective for just our family, we pay about 4k a year for insurance. Our co-pay for in network is 35/55 per doctor's visit. Prescriptions range from 20-70 for only covered meds. Deductible is 1k/2k at 80/20 and our out of pocket max for us is 3,500 per individual with a max of 14k. That's all for what is covered. Now, put in everything that is not. The only ones who are on Medicaid in this house are the two kids. That's how they get much of what they need. So let's add all of that up shall we? Not counting ANY prescriptions, to get to where our main insurance will cover 100% of only IN-NETWORK care, we have to shell out up to 20k. I won't give specifics but that would be over 70% of what we get annually. Again as I said earlier, our primary doesn't touch a lot of what the kids need, unlike Medicaid does. Know how much a basic pair of hearing aids cost for a child? I won't even get into the costs of therapies without coverage...... That's more in a year than the cost of your average home! I'll just say that each session of PT, OT or Speech would be about 100 a session. Now times that by 3 types at twice a week minimum. I'll leave it at that. 

So tell me, how in the heck does that compare to an iPhone, which honestly most of those that I know that are on SSI/Medicaid are lucky to have a basic smart phone from Wal-Mart that's no more than 100 bucks. And that has to last for years. Unlike those who typically are on Verizion/AT&T with a smartphone, they pay for a new phone at worst every two years. We have StraightTalk with a basic smartphone that honestly messes up a lot but I deal with it because that is the best we can do. Now even I have to use my phone to track how many migraines my daughter has in a month, what her asthma is doing, her peak flow meter readings twice a day, the medical records that two children's hospitals have, e-mails from physicians, logs to track miles I do for medical trips, and a few more we need.

If only it was as simple as a friggin iPhone vs healthcare..........

Medicaid isn’t a program that people use to “suck off the system”. Medicaid is a lifeline for the most vulnerable to have access to health care and services. What happens when that gets cut? Are people in favor of genocide because that's essentially what will happen..... Think I'm kidding? Many just want to cut the disabled, especially the severely because they "can't contribute to society." Oh wait, doesn't then technically Stephen Hawking fits that description too then. Yet nobody is saying to "cut him off" or that his family "leeched the system." Or let's come back to the States. Christopher Reeve didn't face those comments! Both have done huge things for those around them. Yet the disabled who are not "famous" or "smart" in the eyes of the world are often labeled as "useless"

Double standard much? 

So yeah, many of us are just leeches.... Many of us parents are "just grasping at straws" to allow our kids to have a CHANCE at life.  Oh and by the way, many of us pay taxes. Our house does for sure!

All I see here is Ebenezer Scrooge saying "decrease the surplus population!"

Let me show you this. Quoted from HERE. "Children and adults with disabilities rely on government funded programs to survive. It isn’t because they are leaches on society, but it is because most of them cannot work due to serious health conditions or physical disabilities that prohibit them. These are people that would love to contribute to society but cannot because their bodies or minds won’t allow it. The unemployment rate for people with disabilities is twice that of the national average. In 2015, according to this survey, only 17.5% of people with disabilities were employed. When I think of my son’s future, I see an 82.5% chance that he will never have a job. These statistics are what keep me up at night in fear. If he will be unable to work, he will need some form of assistance to have access to health care and to live. When he is an adult, what happens to him if there is no Medicaid?"
"Medicaid was created in 1965. Care for the poor in the 1950s was done through direct reimbursements to providers. It was calculated on a per-capita basis — the average cash and medical needs of those the programs covered. Those amounts were capped, based on age and demographics. This is quite similar to how many Republican proposals might function. When these capped amounts weren’t enough to pay for the programs, states had to make cuts. They began to restrict who would be covered, what would be covered and how much care beneficiaries could use. Some states refused to cover children at all. Others didn’t cover doctors’ visits or drugs." source

Is that what it's coming to again??? I fear for how many lives will be lost and or seriously affected by this...... 


How are we supposed to say we love and care for each other if this is the attitudes and biases we have? Is this the way the world works? Even those very same ones who claim they are Christian and "follow Christ" do the very least. I don't think Jesus would be like this towards those less fortunate and rich.....


I saw the general attitude recently toward me. A friend asked me how our recent trip to Dallas went. I filled her in on that, then what news I got yesterday morning about my son. The next few weeks will be really interesting...... Medical update HERE but does not have the new info from yesterday in it. Just Dallas mainly.

So anyway,

I was asked why I even had my son anyway when I knew that there was a "risk of defects and him being messed up." She went on to say that "Even with all the crazy stuff in parts of the family and just how ugly some are, along with the medical issues some in that family have I still can't believe you went on and had more children. You had your daughter not knowing the risks but you knew the risks with your son. You shouldn't have even had him. Now you have two who require Medicaid, not just one." Yeah, she went there...... (By the way, her kids are on Medicaid too but in her case, household income doesn't count, for us it does. She plans on having more kids even though one of hers is special needs.) She's not the first or the last I have heard it from. Even some family and church people that would rather see my kids for what's wrong with them than what is right with them. And there is a lot right too..... Yet she isn't the only one to "go there" locally against us.... In reality it's all over this country. The poor, the disabled and our veterans are seen as third class citizens.

So yeah, Jesus did say that there will always be the poor among us but if he said he didn't care about the poor, would he have hung out with them? Would he have rebuked the rich so much?  I think not! Now Jesus didn't "hate" the rich either. However he had words of caution for those who were wealthy because often they relied on their money over God, and were often selfish with what they had.

I've said this before but I think we would have a lot more respect, love and compassion for those around us if we saw each other as equals. God sees us like that so why can't we see each other like that? God doesn't see if someone is white or black. Rich or poor. Popular or ostracized. Talented or not. Bedridden or an Olympic athlete. So why do we? Why most of all those who claim to be Christian do this the worst? Most of those guilty of trying to cut those most vulnerable without trying to even find other solutions are many of the very ones who sit in the pews every Sunday.  When we can get past this, when we can get past the fact that we even if we never admit it, truly feel some deserve more love and compassion than others, till we deal with that, we will never see anyone truly be like Jesus. Most don't even try...... We are more concerned about those abroad then we are those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. Yet so often we boast about how we are helping this country or that country.

I'm not saying that of itself is bad, but shouldn't we be taking care of our own too? How can we boast that we are taking care of others in the world when those in our own backyard we would just rather sweep under the rug and pretend they didn't exist.

So yes, I'm angry, I'm concerned for my kids and millions like them. I do admit some worry and anxiety. As if us parents don't have enough.

So many are worried about not just quality of life but of preservation of life. With these cuts proposed and the attitudes that we as a society has on those who are on Medicaid for whatever reason, I think we have just cause..... Until we get to the point that everyone, regardless of disability or social status, deserves a quality chance at life, we will have this.....

In church on Sunday, our pastor shared of a time where he went into a nursing home and played the guitar for those who never had visitors. Those forgotten, those abandoned. Those unloved or no longer loved. Yet he did that to show love. Why can't we do that?


Sometimes the person you show yourself to be will be the only love someone else has ever seen. Sometimes you are the only Jesus that anyone has. Sometimes you are the only one who can make a difference in the life of another...

The next post will go more into that....


So yeah, the Medicaid program is in crisis but the rainbow in this is that there are many like me fighting back...... Will you join us? If you are in Arkansas you can join here.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Sometimes you will be the only Jesus people ever see.....

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. John 13:35

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed because they cannot repay you.  For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” (Luke 14:13-14)
“Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins.  And He said, ‘Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them.  For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”  (Luke 21:1-4)