Winners

Danielle Steel, one of my favorite authors..... I'm reading one of her newer books called, "Winners" I think it'll be a favorite. Malice and Accident are two others.

My world is medical. It's what fate decided for me I guess. It's not what I planned, what I planned first was being an entomologist, then a music teacher, then a therapist for abused kids, then life chose my fate.... Even once we get past all the stuff with either of the kids, I'm forever changed. I'll forever know what certain terminology means. Someday I'll likely work somewhere in the medical field now.

Even now as devastating losing Dallas has been, a lot has arisen from the ashes. Without spoiling Winners, it spoke many volumes to me. Some of the quotes from the book will be here but in many ways, I am like Bill, the father of Lily. Bill had so much anger and denial about not just what happened to his daughter but also anger for a while at any neurosurgeon who disagreed that Lily will walk again. Mine was Dallas, that nothing was better, I hated the new insurance company for causing this disaster in our lives and so much more....

Winners, even though it isn't finished, (1/3 left) really has touched me. I don't know if it's a matter of how "brave" everyone in the story is, or where I am in our real life journey right now or both. I want to share a few segments out of Winners that really resonated with me.

"I'll introduce you to my friends when they come to visit. The kids from my ski team said they would come by too," she volunteered, and Teddy looked skeptical. "Don't count on it, Lily," he said gently. "People mean it when they say it, but they're busy in the real world. They stop coming after a while. It's like we're shut away, and they forget. Whenever people leave here, they say they'll come back and visit, and they never do. And I think it makes people who don't have injuries uncomfortable to come here. It freaks them out to see us and realize it would happen to them. Don't expect your friends to come here too often. They just don't. I've seen it a lot in two years." He sounded philosophical about it, and he didn't want her to be disappointed and was sure she would be.

Another segment was:

He had been right about her friends - they never came to visit her. They always had an excuse not to, and instead of calling her, they texted her, "Sorry, I can't come by today... see you tomorrow." and tomorrow never came. "Oops, running late, catch you next time." "My mom won't let me go out.... my car broke down... I have exams... I have practice.... My dad won't let me drive the car." They had a thousand excuses not to visit her in rehab. Maybe it was just too hard for them, but it was a lot harder for her. It was what Teddy had predicted at the beginning. He had seen it happen to others in the past two years. He had seen very few friends come through and stick around. And Veronica, her best friend, was the worst offender. Lily got the feeling that she was trying to be Lily now, on the ski team, and with their friends. And she had seemed so fake the one time she did come to visit. She didn't even feel like a friend now, just someone Lily used to know. (Lily's boyfriend cheated on Lily while she was in the hospital and broke it off while Lily was just starting rehab also.)

One more was:

Thinking about The Lily Pad filled a void for Lily, and distracted her from the fact that none of her friends were coming to see her. Besides Veronica, a few of her classmates finally came once, and were so shocked to see Lily in her wheelchair that they didn't come again. They didn't know what to say or how to handle it so they didn't come at all. She talked about it to Teddy, but not to her father. She was too embarrassed to admit that she had no friends anymore. She felt like a total loser and as though she had ceased to exist for them. And in a way, she had. What had happened to her was just too shocking for them to absorb. Teddy was always sympathetic, and he was her only friend now, at the toughest time of her life.

Teddy was abandoned by his parents after he became a quadriplegic and was left at the Craig facility.

I remember anytime I left for a placement, I was told friends (What few I had) would be in touch with me, and especially when I moved out of the last group home and went back home and to the school district I had been in for a good while prior. Never happened. I would call them but they never called me and finally I quit trying, especially when all I got was excuses on why they couldn't talk long, if at all. Even after moving to Arkansas, except for once in a great while, a Facebook comment here or there, there are two I hear from still that I knew then.

Then the medical world changed a lot too. The older I get and the longer this medical journey lasts, the more and more silent my world becomes. The social life, what little I had, is barely anything now. Yet early on, I hated that. Now I sometimes cherish it. No drama! Sometimes I hate it still though.... I only wish the phone calls with insurance, clinics, and more was better sometimes. Not all are bad but sometimes even that is tiring, especially when people don't wanna listen or realize how serious something is.....

In a way it may sound corny but this is exactly the way I have seen how this change in our medical world was. Except my island wasn't goofball, it was Texas. I see where this devastation would fit many things, for different people. For our most recent, it being that we lost our team in Dallas due to insurance.

For a while now Inside Out has been my son's favorite movie. All he wants is Bing Bong, the imaginary friend.

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Yet the other day, watching this for the millionth time with him, watching the face on Joy as that island fell and disappeared, made me think of this change in the journey.

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I'll be honest though, my personality is more like Sadness.... Yeah, as if that was never noticed. lol Yet sometimes I think too much too. *Imagine that!* So yeah....

Yet if you have seen the movie, at the end Joy and Sadness worked together to make a new island. That's what has happened here in a way. It's scary though honestly... Yet I'm starting to see that maybe, just maybe there is hope and restoration in this horrible mess.

You see, my son's MRI looked great. All four doctors (Two we had in Dallas and the two new ones) said it did. Yet almost like it was a hunch, the new craniofacial doc had us go down the same day for a CT scan. That was fun..... Insurance wanted to be stupid about it and also all my son did during it was cry..... Though at least we were able to get the imaging needed. Now though the MRI was good, the CT was not. It showed fairly significant copper beating and more...

THEN not two weeks after the CT scan and plans to do something in a few months about it, we find out he has grade 3 papilledema. Oh boy.... Never saw that actually happen in either of my kids, though I knew what it was.... Game on though because things better get done in a timely manner now. If Dallas could have gotten my daughter's surgery last surgery done in 2012 within a month of things going south, surely that could be done in a smaller state and everything, if not even better timing.

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It took a couple of days of fighting scheduling stuff and me about to do the momma bear stuff to get all settled. I always stayed professional but I was firm in as late as mid December was not acceptable. I was told at first that it may have to be then.

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We do have a surgery date finally. A lot to do between now and then though....

Yet even last night as I'm tying this part up, a song came on in one of my playlists that I listened to a lot before and during the time of my daughter's last surgery in Dallas. Let it burn. Yet the epiphany I had listening to it, on repeat for a while.

I watch the city burn
These dreams like ashes float away
Your voice I never heard
Only silence
Where were you when our hearts were bleeding
Where were you? It all crashed down
Never thought that you'd deceive me
Where are you now?

How long can you stand the pain?
How long will you hide your face?
How long will you be afraid?
Are you afraid?
How long will you play this game?
Will you fight or will you walk away?
How long will you let it burn?

I watched my security in Dallas burn down. I watched it fall, it came down with a heavy crash covered in ashes. I cried out to God with tears, anger, despair, all of it. I felt like all I was hearing was silence. I felt like God deceived me, punishing me, going to make my kids suffer.... Yet all I did was hide behind my fear and anger..... My world crashed and there was nothing I could do about it......

Just like Bill in Winners.... Helpless against the waves that continued to crash into the wreckage left by the storm....

I have no choice though now but to hope.... Hope that my children will get what they need.... Hope that in the frustrations with these changes that I don't scare off the new team, that in fact I can show them that I'm an ally. Just like I was an ally with Dallas. Yet even with Dallas I was not afraid to speak up. I hope most of all, that as the unknowns approach, that this team will care for my children as well as Dallas did, if not even better....

I sure am going to miss this skyline though..... Nothing I can do about that.....

I'm going to have to get used to a new skyline at night, if I get to see much of one. I was one of the lucky ones to get this view the last two nights being admitted with my son following his decompression surgery.... It's a view I'll never forget.... It was an even better view in D-10 than it was at the Ronald McDonald House. That's a place I will miss too....... For many reasons....

The rules here are so different and our chances of ever getting a room at the one in Little Rock are almost nil, let alone getting for more than one night, no matter the reason, inpatient or not. Maybe part of that is we live over two hours out from the Little Rock one, not three and a half hours, which is about the farthest one could go in Arkansas to get to Little Rock. So, as I will always, ALWAYS support that charity, I will miss Dallas for several reasons.....

Too bad insurance doesn't cover hotels as secondary placement to the RMH.....

No matter what though, by the end of this journey, we will have won.... I just wonder how disheveled I'll look at the end. I'm definitely not model material now as it is and never was.

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Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~

So many thoughts....

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“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” 
~ Fred Rogers ~

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Saw the drowning pic this morning. Oh my, I could go so many places with this pic.

My oh my, how often do we get told we are being prayed for or being thought of yet so often we feel so alone...... How often do we see on social media (And we say it too!) that we are thinking of and or praying for someone? Do we honestly do it or do we just do our "social duty" with it? We say it, and move on? How often do we tell someone to their face we are praying for them? Do we really though? I wrote this post for me too because I needed this reminder as well.

How did that work for Moses? Think he would have just said, "I'll pray for the Red Sea to part and deal with it whenever it finally does." and not acted? Nope! That's not how it worked. What about Joshua and the Jordan river? "I'll just wait for the waters to recede and THEN try crossing." Nope!

They stepped out!
They did something!

Now, okay, next step: Let's really look at that pic. One guy is drowning and the other one is just standing there talking, does that help the one drowning? Clearly not! Would we help? We would all say "YES" right?

Of course! Now you are probably thinking I'm nuts now. (If you hadn't already lol)

So then what about in other situations? Now I'm not saying stick your nose in everything or everyone. That's not the intent here. Yet what CAN we do? What do we feel LED to do?

What about when you witness a car wreck? "Oh I'm sorry you are injured, I'll just pray for you" and walk away. Same concept going on here. If we witnessed a wreck, we would first call 911 right? THEN check on the injured, help keep traffic out of the way or something till at least the police got there right? The law says we can't leave the scene right?

Well then....

What about the family that's in the waiting room with you who you can tell is having a really bad day? What about the family who you overheard say to their children, "I'm sorry I don't have enough money for food since I had to pay the electric bill." Or the man sobbing while on the phone because he just heard from his wife that their child has cancer?

Would you figure, "That's not my business" and walk away or would you offer to do or say something?

I remember still my son's first surgery and the morning after I was on the way to the PICU when I met a family needing help outside. I saw a couple bringing out a large wagon of stuff but no child..... I feared the worst. Shortly after I saw a grandmother carrying a bouncy seat crying. As we approached her truck, I could tell she needed help. I was running a bit behind for when I wanted to be back in the PICU by but I knew I needed to be here.

I went to her and asked how I could help. She was sobbing. I held the truck door so it wouldn't hit the car beside it as she put the bouncy in. I knew in my heart she was with the couple that was bringing out the loaded wagon. I found out they were the aunt and uncle bringing stuff and the woman I helped was indeed the grandmother. Her granddaughter had just died a few hours before. I can't remember the name of the condition but it was a weak trachea and it collapsed again and this time they couldn't get it to open back up. The poor child suffocated. As she told me this out in the parking lot, I held her as she sobbed. I was wiping my eyes as well. Tears for a complete stranger. Soon after I walked in with her and I met the mother. I gave her huge hugs as well and told her as well that I would pray for the family. I went in to see my son. Very soon after I felt God tugging at me saying, "Why didn't you pray for them right there with them?" So, I made an excuse to go back out to the waiting room of the ICU. The whole family was there then. Most of them either sobbing or red eyes where they had just exhausted tears. I went to the grandmother and asked her if I could pray for all of them. I stepped out of my comfort zone and prayed out loud for all of them. They all thanked me, mostly by nodding and smiles. The next time I stepped out of the ICU, they were all gone.

I went back into my son's room and held him as much as I could and told him I loved him as I grieved for the family who had spent the last three months in that same ICU floor.

Now I have had other times where I probably should have said or done something over the years. Yet I didn't.... That morning on the way to ICU though taught me to be more aware, even in the middle of our storms.


So let's take that same pic:




We find a family struggling. We often think, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" or "That's not my business" or "They are just trying to leech off of people" or "Well I'm struggling too so they can just suck it up and deal with life like everyone else." "They brought these medical issues on themselves so they can just deal with it." "They chose these defective, jacked up kids so they can suck it up."

Do you know how much someone may be drowning in their life? When you think like that, no matter how well you know someone, do you see that they may be swimming well or are drowning?

Do you ask them, "What can I do to help you?" "How can I pray for you?" "I can watch the kids for you so you and your spouse(whatever) can go on a date." "I'm sorry you are dealing with ____" "Need some help with ___" "If you don't have enough for groceries, we can go to the store and I can get you some food." And so much more examples can be used......

Which way do you hope people are to you the next time you are in a storm? Or a bad season in life?

Do you dish out what you want served to you?

Do you think the family I met in the PICU waiting room would have been helped had I not done what I did? Do you think their day would have been worse or better by what I did? As if the day wasn't hard enough..... Yet to start with, all I saw was a woman trying to put stuff in a car. I knew nothing of their story to start with. At first it would have looked like the family was going home that day and all of that stuff was being loaded up to go home then the child would be discharged and all good. Nope.... I stepped out on faith either way and helped. Through my help and compassion, I learned their story.


Now, I'm sure almost everyone knows by now what happened in Vegas..... I took this pic last night on my way to community band.

All over the news they have plastered that psycho's face BUT they have also told of the stories where people acted as heroes. Risking themselves to help others. Several who died or were severely injured using themselves as a shield for whom they were protecting under them. Did they say "Well that person is ___ so I won't do anything for them" stuff?

NO!

Nothing mattered in that moment. People were out there helping each other, knowing the risk that the psycho shooter would wound or kill them too, yet instead of fleeing and hoping for the best, they stayed and helped. Even those that weren't there are going out and helping. GMA reported this morning that a GoFundMe had raised over a million in less then a day. Now it's over four million. Just over 59k people as of this post have donated. A lot showed up to do blood donations. People are going to check on the victims, to help, to pray.... And so much more...

I think the lesson here about this tragedy is several things. No I'm not talking about gun control or all of that. Think what you want on that. Here's what I think first and foremost on this:

1) Let's go back to all of us treating each other like we are human and deserve care, compassion, mercy and to be treated equal. I don't care what your religion, beliefs, financial status, and all of that is.

2) Learn to step out and ask others how you can help them, or just step in and do something if you see someone hurting and struggling. Don't put a price or stipulation on that. Just do it.

3) Learn to be human again..... Learn to be like Jesus taught how to treat others, no matter what your religious views are. Make this world a better place.....

4) Step out and report if you have suspicion of someone about to do something they shouldn't. A criminal is going to find a way to break the law regardless of how strict we make laws. Best thing we can do is report suspicious behavior to the proper authorities and hope for the best....


To me honestly, it's not about the guns, the alcohol, the drugs, the whatever. Anything can be used as a weapon to harm people. Cain killed Abel with a rock. What is it then? It's a heart problem. Let's work together to help each other heal wounds instead of playing blame games or worse, getting more cold toward everyone around us.


~ Special Momma ~