PUSH

230 in the morning and I'm up. Seems to happen often but tonight I'm led to type where I'll likely finish in the morning.  Well, what I call morning.

Pray
Until
Something
Happens

That's what I have to do right now. I don't like it but it is what it is. Not that I don't like praying, I don't like waiting.

"God, I know that I'm still waiting on Medicaid. The clouds are rolling in really dark and the wind is blowing. I feel a storm rolling in and am helpless to stop it. The bills are starting and the EOB'S are honestly scary..... We are still without therapy as well.... Waiting is not my strong suit yet I have no choice. My faith is being tested and stretched.... As the song says,

"I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining."

Maybe you are showing me the answer and I just don't see....."

Yet even as I'm typing this, Blogger is having glitches to work right. Maybe the answer for Medicaid is right in my face.

======================================

I started that early this morning..... Shortly into the writing, my son awoke crying briefly. Didn't last long but hubs woke too. He busted me on the tablet typing that up. We wound up for an hour talking and ended it by praying. As much as I hate mornings, I'm glad we did that. 

Tonight I'm sitting in a room at the Ronald McDonald House in Dallas looking out my window at the Dallas lights and the DART trains at times whizzing by.

Our life, our journey, our ups and downs....


I often come here and each night that we are here in Dallas, I think of the future. What If's mainly..... Followed by Whens..

Pray
Until
Something
Happens

Yet I also have to remember 

Fully
Rely
On
God
Grace
In
Everything

No matter what, may I always remember that.... Even as the storm clouds roll in and the thunder roars.....


Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

Singing in the Rain

The following is a day written in "Rain on Me" by Holley Gerth. Day twenty is titled, Singing in the Rain.

"I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

The words above are part of the well known song, "Praise You in This Storm" song by Mark Hall of Casting Crowns. In Lifestories: Finding God's "Voice of Truth" through Everyday Life, Hall shares the story behind the song. It was actually inspired by a little girl named Erin, who lost her life to cancer at the age of ten.
Erin loved Casting Crowns and even had the opportunity to perform a dance she helped create especially for them. Erin's mom, Laurie, kept the band informed about her daughter's condition throughout her struggle with cancer. Those updates, including one where Laurie literally stood on the Word of God and read from the Scriptures over her dying daughter, touched Mark Hall deeply, and "Praise You in This Storm" is the result.
Laurie says about her final time with her daughter, "It was not like how I expected her last minutes to be. I thought I'd be hysterical, but I wasn't. She was where she always wanted to be. She told me when she was six years old that she couldn't wait to get to heaven. She said she had felt an emptiness in her heart, but when she asked Jesus into her heart, she never felt it again because Jesus had filled her and would never leave her. For the ten years she was on this earth, God used her in a remarkable, powerful way." Laurie describes having a tremendous peace that was like a shower from the Holy Spirit.
Throughout the years of fighting cancer, Laurie and Erin both praised God through the storm as the lyrics so eloquently describe. The first verse of the song says,

"I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining."

 It's one thing to look back on the storm and praise God; it's quite another to raise your hands to heaven when the lightning is flashing and the thunder is roaring. It's only through the amazing grace of God that we can do so. Rather than drowning out our voices, the praise we give God during difficult times is the most audible of all to the world.
The songs the world hears from our hearts are also for our healing. God desires our praises, but He doesn't need them. However, He knows that WE do. In the deepest, darkest moments of our lives, we need to affirm what is true: We are loved, there is a greater plan, and God is still in control. The words we lift to heavens also lift our hearts from despair. 
Like Erin and Laurie, we're all called to sing in the rain. When we do so, our Heavenly Father hears every word, the world takes notice, and our hearts are never the same. "

The question that day's devotional then asked was, What do you find to be the hardest part of "singing in the rain" to God? Why? Followed by, what are some ways you can praise God during this time?

I challenge you to either publish your comment or just think about it. Why?

I will answer mine here. The hardest part of singing in the rain to God for me is the unknown. How will I survive the storm? What will be the end result on the other side? Will we still be okay on the other side? How much will be lost in the storm?
I can praise God though by remembering that with God ALL things are possible and that this isn't our permanent home. Heaven is where we are going and THAT is my final destination. No matter what life does to me here, this world can't destroy my soul, and therefore I know how the story ends.

(My biggest storm right now is Medicaid and bills that are coming in as a result of issues and we go back to Dallas for my son soon. He woke with a horrible night terror night before last so yesterday I feared another episode as well.....)

The story ends in Heaven where I will be eternally. How about you?

Think about it.

One last thing I will share for today is this. For the longest time on our journey with my daughter, I would end my Caringbridge posts with HOPE! We have been all over hills and valleys the last eight years. My daughter has had highs in meeting P.O.D and singing three favorite songs with Sonny Sandoval along with other good things in her life so far yet lows in horrible headaches and missed activities and hospital stays....

In that same book I shared the devotional from, there is a perfect quote about HOPE I'll end today with.

"Hope is more than a word-
it's a state of being.
It's a firm belief that
even if you don't know how,
even if you don't know when
God will come through
and better days are ahead.
Life brings rain....
Hope dances in the puddles
Until the sun comes out again."

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

James 1:17

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"God has not given us these children to punish us. Their lives were not an accident; they are not an anomaly in God’s eyes. In His perfect wisdom, He chose to give us the children He did. God knew the route would be difficult, but He’s given us an excellent guidebook. God has placed a challenging and oftentimes wearisome calling before us, but He’s equipped us for the task!"

― from "Unlocking the Treasure: A Bible Study for Moms Entrusted with Special-Needs Children"

Ever struggle with that? Even if you don't have children with special needs, they can be a struggle sometimes to raise.....

We are still fighting to get things done that need to be. My son has been without his therapy for a while now thanks to Medicaid issues. We are fixing to head back to Dallas to his surgeons soon for follow ups. Yet other things have been bearing into my head recently.

There are two songs I listen to often. In light of that, I wrote this recently:

"My mind is sharp, my soul yearns yet my heart battles being buried beneath the ashes of being burned.... The ashes fall like snow and the smoke from the burning still permeates. I walk through the ashes, my footprints alone behind me. My skin is covered in powered ash, my lungs burn with it. The more I walk, the deeper the ash gets, the stronger the smoke from the burning fills my nose.
How long till I'm buried beneath? How long till I become ashes myself? How long till my heart is saved of this? How long will the flame in my soul burn? How long till the ashes choke the flame?

My mind is tired, my soul aches as the ashes continue to fall like snow. I walk alone in the burning fire. I see the images of a few silhouetted in the shadows of the falling ash but they can't reach me. I hear them calling from a lost and distant shore. My heart wanders lost and wounded, wondering where to go from here. Miles and miles lie ahead if the burned down world around me. Miles and miles ahead of ash that gets deeper and deeper.
I know in my soul that there is lush green ahead, somewhere in the distance that my eyes cannot see yet.
I see glimpses in my dreams but I am not there yet. I pray that the ashes from the burning doesn't bury me first."
Inspired from Hymn for the Missing and Let it Burn by RED.

Are you feeling like the ashes are burying you? Does it feel like the life you thought you would have is burning down and burying you? Does the reality really feel that bad? Take heed and know that it won't last forever.....

In the story about the man born blind, the disciples asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
John 9:2-3

"Does our suffering always result directly from personal sin? No. Through the life of Job we see that there are times we simply do not know why God allows certain pain and suffering to come into our lives. But what we can know for certain is that God is good. He is a loving, kind, merciful, patient, and immensely personal God. God is in control of this world—and our lives—and we can trust Him. In times of deep pain it’s good to rehearse what the Bible tells us about God. Psalm 103 is a wonderful place to start! The LORD is merciful! He is kind and patient, and His love never fails. The LORD won’t always be angry and point out our sins; He doesn’t punish us as our sins deserve. How great is God’s love for all who worship Him? Greater than the distance between heaven and earth! How far has the LORD taken our sins from us? Farther than the distance from east to west! Just as parents are kind to their children, the LORD is kind to all who worship Him, because He knows we are made of dust. The LORD is always kind to those who worship Him, and He keeps his promises to their descendants. Ps. 103:8–14,17 (CEV)"

― from "Unlocking the Treasure: A Bible Study for Moms Entrusted with Special-Needs Children"

Nothing is in vain if we learn and grow from it. Good or bad.

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~

The world we live in

The child seen walking down the road is ignored
People walking past her in their own little world
Tears running down her face
She ran away from home
She thought she would find love here in the world
Instead of the parents who abused her at home

This is the world we live in
God is weeping for His children in pain
People crying to be saved of this
Yet salvation doesn't end the darkness
This world is dark but the Spirit is light
So few find that light as darkness overtakes

The boy at school sitting taking notes
He's not paying attention in the class today
He's writing his note for his family and friends
When he got home shots rang out
BOOM! This child took a bullet to his head.
His parents found him and his note on the floor

This is the world we live in
God is weeping for His children in pain
People crying to be saved of this
Yet salvation doesn't end the darkness
This world is dark but the Spirit is light
So few find that light as darkness overtakes

The mother went to the clinic today
She was told her child would be different than what the world likes
She went to an abortion clinic and had it done
Come to find out her child would have lived well
She went home and wept for what she had done.

This is the world we live in
God is weeping for His children in pain
People crying to be saved of this
Yet salvation doesn't end the darkness
This world is dark but the Spirit is light
So few find that light as darkness overtakes

People find this world completely hopeless
Yet there is a light never extinguished
All they need to do is cry out to Him
He will give them Salvation to be saved.
This world will live in darkness as it always has
But eternal life is yet to come. Will you go?

This is the world we live in
God is weeping for His children in pain
People crying to be saved of this
Yet salvation doesn't end the darkness
This world is dark but the Spirit is light
So few find that light as darkness overtakes


 I wrote this today. Inspired from Open Your Eyes by Staind and Youth Of The Nation by P.O.D

Maybe one of them will make it into song lyrics! :)

Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~

Yes today's post was dark but also talks of salvation.

Climbing in the dark

"Look for the silver lining" "Look for the rainbows" "There is always a light spot somewhere"

I could go on. We hear it all the time. Yet sometimes, we still struggle with believing it. Sometimes more than we want to admit.

Sometimes the journey feels like it's midnight and we are climbing up the steep mountain of vanity it feels like and despite the little light from the moon shining down upon us, we feel like we are about to fall to our death.We look up and we can see the stars and the moon in the sky during our climb but as a foot slips, we also look down into the never ending dark abyss below and wonder how long we can keep holding on......


One of my favorite songs by Creed.

"My Own Prison"

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one


I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time


It's been a hard week...... I have been letting things get to me. It has been a week where I have been nick picked at and where I admit I have wondered at times if dealing with family is really worth it if I'm going to be treated like that, no matter who it is.

What is God trying to teach me? Why am I feeling so exhausted in dealing with this? Even at church, I was feeling bogged down and exhausted.


I try to keep the light in this blog but I wouldn't be real if I didn't show the hard stuff too. Yet we can't stay in that. God is good no matter what, no matter what, God is good. No matter how dark life gets or how far we stray, God is waiting for us to receive Him again.

If nothing else, there is chocolate! :) Just don't EVER give up!

Blessings!

~ Special Momma ~



"Salvation"

[Introduction that is at the end of the previous track, "Madness in Me".
Little girl recites Isaiah 53:5-6:] [Jen Ledger:] Are you far? [Jen Ledger:] Am I left to die? [Jen Ledger:] Will You come to my rescue? [Little girl:] He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. [Jen Ledger:] My heart will burn for You. [Little girl:] He was beaten so we could be whole. [John Cooper:] You're keepin' me alive. [Jen Ledger:] My heart will burn for You. [Little girl:] He was whipped so we could be healed. [John Cooper:] You're keepin' me alive. [Jen Ledger & John Cooper:] My heart will burn for You. [Little girl:] All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. [Little girl:] We have left God’s paths to follow our own. [Jen Ledger:] It's all I can do.. [Little girl:] Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.

All alone, lost in this abyss
Crawling in the dark
Nothing to wet my longing lips
And I wonder where you are
Are you far?
Will you come to my rescue?
Am I left to die?
But I can’t give up on you
I feel you keeping me alive
You are my salvation
Touch you, taste you, feel you here
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I feel you keeping me alive
You are my salvation
Hold me, heal me, keep me near
Oh oh, yeah yeah
My heart will burn for you
It’s all I can do
Salvation
Salvation
(Keeping me alive)
Salvation
(You’re keeping me)
Salvation
(You’re keeping me alive)
Been out from under who I am
And who I want to be
Held you tightly in my hands
Why are we unraveling?
Was it me?
Will you come to my rescue
Or did I push to far
When I turned my back on you?
I feel you keeping me alive
You are my salvation
Touch you, taste you, feel you here
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I feel you keeping me alive
You are my salvation
Hold me, heal me, keep me near
Oh oh, yeah yeah
My heart will burn for you
It’s all I can do
Salvation
Salvation
(Keeping me alive)
Salvation
Touch you, taste you, feel you, need you
Give it all just to find you
Hold me, heal me
I will find you
Keeping me alive
You are my salvation
Touch you, taste you, feel you here
Oh oh, yeah yeah
Our love will never die
You are my salvation
Hold me, heal me, keep me near
Oh oh, yeah yeah
My heart will burn for you
It’s all I can do
Salvation
Salvation
Touch you, taste you, feel you, need you
Salvation